A psychologist explained how to avoid conflicts with loved ones during quarantine

In any family, even the most prosperous, a quarrel can arise between parents and children. A child, regardless of age, has his own tastes, views and preferences. Children also tend to sense the mood of their parents very subtly.

According to many experts, quarrels and conflicts between fathers and children at every age of the child are a serious confrontation. This is due to the desire of parents to control every step of the child, even unconsciously. At any age, constant comments and lectures from elders cause violent protest among their children.

Problems in early childhood

There is a generation gap between parents and child; this explains the differences in worldview and in the opinions of adults and the little person. Moreover, each generation has its own truth; balance is not easy to achieve. At an early age, disagreements manifest themselves in the form of children’s whims and tears. But as children grow up, this conflict becomes more acute.

At first, the baby needs attention, care and love, but as he gets older, he increasingly needs freedom in all its manifestations. It becomes more difficult for an older child to be in the same house with his parents, in which case family conflicts are inevitable.

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Quarrel with parents

Hello, Elizaveta.

This shouldn't happen to anyone.

You are going through the most difficult moment in your life. It's like a storm or a hurricane, when feelings literally sweep you off your feet, and tears pour from your eyes like rain.

It is very painful, offensive, sad, in response to a seemingly clear and simple phrase about clothing, to receive an answer full of anger and misunderstanding.

I don’t know what the reasons are for what happened between you, what happened with your parents when they beat you. What happened, it seems to me, speaks more to the fact that it is very, very difficult for you now. However, so do parents. And their outbreak is also the result of some difficult life situations. But this is really not a reason for such an outbreak.

At such moments it is very difficult to love your parents and find something to love them for. And if you succeed, it deserves respect. And it speaks of how full you are of this love and strength. Even if you are just making an attempt, even if in order to protect yourself, this is already a strong step that, for some reason, mom and dad could not take. And it also shows that despite all the pain of the current conflict, you are doing what you were taught. Including - endure, speak, defend, love.

This is both a lot and a little. This is not yet enough to be able to express your desire in such a form that no conflict arises. This is not enough to think through the consequences, the result. But this is enough to learn.

One of the usual options is an attempt to appease parents. But it seems to me that this prevents one from truly understanding what happened and creates an erroneous understanding of parents that justifies aggression, and also lowers one’s own self-esteem. Therefore, it seems to me that it is better to try to understand, no matter how difficult it may be, what did you really want when you told your parents about clothes? Why do you think they reacted this way? What other ways are there to achieve what you want? What help and from whom do you need now?

You may be lonely and sad. It's difficult to talk about this. Surely you have a psychologist at school. Could you talk to him (her) about this?

I am ready to provide professional help to you, but for this you will have to inform your parents that you will contact me so that they know. This will be several consultations. Free.

I quarrel with my parents and my wife because of alcohol (1 answer)

Lanko Vladimir Vitalievich, psychologist Kharkov
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Problems of education

A wise and balanced parent will be able to build harmony in the family, create an atmosphere in which the child will feel needed and will know his place and role. In such a situation, even if the views of children and parents differ, they are complementary, everyone has the opportunity for self-realization, the fulfillment of desires, everyone can realize themselves in society, and improve themselves.

If mom and dad have character traits such as irritability, excessive control, lack of understanding and acceptance of others, the previously hidden conflict now becomes open. Confrontation can develop vigorously or sluggishly, this is due to the temperament of family members.

If disagreements are not resolved, the conflict drags on, adults do not reach an agreement with the child, this threatens a significant deterioration in the relationship, and children and parents subconsciously try to hurt each other.

Permanent psychological trauma does not go away without leaving a trace; in the future, this is fraught with a minimal likelihood of a peaceful resolution of the situation. The situation is aggravated in the presence of total control on the part of adults, and if they try not only to manipulate, but also to aggressively influence, using physical force, the child becomes closed, and auto-aggression may develop.

The Ministry of Health explained how not to drive loved ones crazy during quarantine

Being with loved ones 24/7 due to quarantine can negatively affect family relationships. The psychologist gave several useful recommendations that will help improve the microclimate in the house, as well as relationships with neighbors and friends.

The advice of the scientific director of the Institute of Cognitive Modeling Spartak Saturday was published by the Telegram channel “Psychological Support”, which was reposted by the official channel of the Ministry of Health of Ukraine about coronavirus.

How can being with loved ones 24/7 affect our relationships with them? Some useful recommendations that may change your views on relationships with family, neighbors or friends.

Being in a confined space, people begin to conflict. The number of calls to the police due to conflicts within the family is only growing, people are complaining more about each other, and are beginning to resort to threats of divorce. Someone is trying to leave, leaving loved ones alone.

Soon the number of conflicts that can lead to divorce will increase significantly. This is due to the fact that by being indoors, people increase contact with their loved ones. This is not bad at all, but no one has canceled personal space. As a result, this leads to people finding conflicts within the group with which they constantly interact.

The worst option is to look for an enemy among family members. Now the institution of the family is losing its importance compared to previous centuries, but we should not ignore the fact that the family is an important social group through which society as a whole is built.

Remember that restoring a relationship will be much more difficult than destroying it. To assess the consequences of a possible break, you can resort to a technique such as the Descartes square. The psychologist advises using it before making any decision in life. You can check it out on the Internet, because it is a very common technique. Many people ignore it, calling it a banal technique of writing out pros and cons. But in fact, it is one of the cognitive techniques that influences the quality of our choices.

Also, in order not to conflict with loved ones while being in the same room with them, it is recommended to engage in not only general leisure activities, but also choose something special for yourself (reading books, physical activity, meditation).

Try to find an opportunity to isolate yourself within the family. This means that you need to define your personal boundaries before conflicts start.

Each person's life has its own difficulties, which can cause quarrels in the family. To prevent them, it is worth resorting to certain preventive measures. Remember : there is nothing better than showing your independence, being able to say “no” and defining personal boundaries that will not be violated.

Previously, Strana cited advice from the Ministry of Health on how not to panic due to the coronavirus.

We also quoted the doctor’s recommendations on maintaining health during quarantine.

Consultation for parents “Family conflicts: causes and ways to prevent”

Family conflicts: causes and ways to prevent them

Unfortunately, we are structured very imperfectly: we react painfully to insults and insults, and show retaliatory aggression.

We would like to restrain ourselves, forgive the offense, and all world religions and ethical teachings call for this, but the number of people who want to “turn the other cheek” is not increasing...

Let's consider the causes of conflicts.

Many family conflicts are often a means of demonstrating the internal state of family relationships and, when tension arises, “signal” about trouble. Any conflict is generated by some specific contradiction.

The reasons for the conflict can be presented as follows:

Conflict situation + Incident + Conflict

(accumulated contradictions) reason (coincidence)

The causes of the conflict disappear only with the elimination of the conflict situation (contradiction), the exhaustion of the incident. Unfortunately, in practice, in most cases, the matter is limited only to the exhaustion of the incident. Let me give you a clear analogy. Conflict can be likened to a weed in a garden. A conflict situation is the root of the weed. The incident is the part that is on the surface. It is clear that by tearing off the tops of the weed, but without touching the root, we will only strengthen its work of drawing nutrients from the soil. And having found the root, then, without eliminating the conflict situation, we create a situation to deepen the conflict.

The key role in conflict resolution is played by the correct formulation of the conflict situation (definition of the problem) Rule 1.

Remember that a conflict situation is something that needs to be eliminated.

Rule 2.

A conflict situation always occurs before a conflict or an incident.

Rule 3.

The formulation of the conflict situation should suggest what to do.

Rule 4.

Ask yourself the questions “why?” until you get to the root cause from which other causes flow.

Rule 5.

Formulate the conflict situation in your own words, if possible, without repeating words from the description of the conflict.

Rule 6.

In the formulation, use a minimum of words so that the thought is specific. Don't be afraid to say, “What happened is a problem (conflict statement) and I want you to help solve it.” Tell it like it is. Avoid making accusations that only force your partner to defend themselves.

Let your partner know that you must work together to find a solution where no one is harmed. It is important that he believes that you sincerely want his help and respect his feelings and ideas.

Lovely ones scold, or the rules of a family quarrel

There are no rules for arguing that apply to every situation. But there are general recommendations, following which you will be able to maintain your union.

What dangers are fraught with parental quarrels?

— They cause nervousness in the child, which can manifest itself in heightened suspiciousness and anxiety, whims, sleep disturbances, and decreased performance. - Can lead to the development of a hysterical character in a child. — They diminish parental authority, which means they increase the risk of disobedience and uncontrolled behavior in the child. — “Ugly” manifestations of quarrels contribute to the fact that the child learns distorted rules of behavior. — The child learns moral norms and values worse. — Frequent quarrels disappoint a child in human relationships. - The child may not develop a sense of goodwill towards people. — The child may not have an idea of positive experiences in family relationships. — Depending on the closeness to one of the parents, the child may develop a negative attitude towards one gender or another.

Looking for a middle ground

We are all human, and even if we really want to become perfect, we are unlikely to succeed. Friction and disagreements between close people are almost inevitable, but it is very important to resolve them constructively - fruitfully, without mutual reproaches and offenses. It is this approach that will teach a child how to get out of conflicts correctly, which means it will make him stronger.

Of course, if disagreements with your other half overtake you almost every day, or one of you has a habit of rashly swearing bad words and throwing objects, then it is better to sort things out face-to-face - such situations will greatly traumatize the child. But if the conflict is inevitable and has matured in the presence of your son or daughter, then it is extremely important to follow the rules for its constructive resolution:

- if you are emotional and prone to anger, try to restrain the first impulse of emotions (for example, catch the first signal of growing indignation and think: “What will happen if I give in?”); - remember that the conflict must be controlled, which means keep your behavior under control; - speak more quietly if you want to be heard; - do not be sarcastic, do not mimic and do not find fault with words; — express complaints in the form of I-messages (“I’m upset that my plans collapsed” instead of “Because of you, we won’t go anywhere today”); - criticize the action, not the person; do not remember past grievances and do not throw around phrases “you always”, “you never”, “it’s in your spirit”, etc.

What you absolutely cannot do in front of a child, so as not to provoke the development of neurotic reactions in him:

- involve in a conflict, trying to win him over to your side, or in other ways; - discuss out loud the shortcomings of grandparents; - insult each other, assault each other, slam doors, break dishes; - without the urgent need to pack your bags and go to your mother or friend, threaten divorce; - cry in front of the child; - withdraw into yourself, emotionally distance yourself from the child during and after a quarrel.

Consequences of conflicts in the family for the future adult life of the child

Children who have often experienced conflicts in the parental family have intrapersonal conflict and low self-esteem ; in any stressful situations they often experience depression and self-doubt , and they often develop neuroses .
A child from a conflict family develops specific character traits that interfere with his socialization in adulthood: isolation, aggressiveness, indifference, cruelty towards others, complete indifference.
While experiencing family conflicts, a child develops a behavior scenario in his own family . That is, such a child often takes the parental family as a model, which he will apply in his own family, and conflicts in it will also be a frequent occurrence.
The child develops a negative picture of the world , and this significantly worsens the quality of his own adult life in the future. Such a person will not trust anyone, he will be very difficult to communicate, full of pessimism and cynicism.
Children from families experiencing frequent conflicts can become very embittered, aggressive, and cruel in adulthood. Such children do not understand the pain of others, and many of them have a desire to hurt others. A child may simply be drawn to the illegal aspects of life, break the law, commit illegal cruel acts, often unmotivated, against other people.

Make up, make up and don't fight anymore

If it so happens that the child witnessed not a constructive dialogue, but a real quarrel, it is important that reconciliation also occurs before his eyes. And let the first step towards reconciliation be taken not by the spouse who considers himself to blame, but by the one who truly cares about the emotional well-being of the child. To clearly demonstrate to your child the resolution of the conflict, you can use one of the children’s “peace agreements” or come up with your own family ritual for concluding a “peace agreement.”

Child psychologists advise explaining to the child his actions and feelings in a language accessible to his age, and also asking how he himself felt at the time of the quarrel. Just don’t say: “We quarreled because your dad…” so that the explanation does not turn into an accusation. It’s better to say something like: “You see, adults don’t always behave well, but then they get very worried and ask each other for forgiveness.”

Forgive each other, because, as the ancient Roman poet Publilius Sirus said: “A quarrel is always the worst of arguments.”

Option 3

(390 words) Conflicts eat away relationships like rust and only bring suffering to all participants. You should try to avoid them as much as possible. But there are times when it is simply impossible to stay away, when you need to protect your rights and freedoms. We can analyze both examples by turning to domestic literature.

For example, in M. Gorky’s play “At the Lower Depths,” an endless string of conflicts destroyed Vasilisa’s relationships with all the people around her. A quarrelsome character and rude disposition prevent a woman from establishing contact with her husband and sister. Every day Vasilisa provokes quarrels and beats Natasha. She does not value her husband and even wishes for his death in order to seize all his property. The heroine's lack of spirituality and aggressiveness shocks even her lover, a thief and a tramp. Vaska Pepel leaves her because he does not need a woman “without a soul.” He prefers the quiet and gentle Natasha, who always plays the role of the victim in the dramas of the Kostylev family. All the guests of the shelter also do not like Vasilisa for her anger and tendency to quarrel. Despite her material well-being, the heroine behaves worse than the poor and drunken inhabitants of the social bottom. Constant showdowns destroyed Vasilisa’s family and negatively affected her character. The heroine never found love and happiness, because she is at war with the whole world and loses in these skirmishes all the best that is in a woman.

However, conflicts are not always the whims of an absurd nature. Sometimes we simply need to be at odds with those who trample on our rights. M. Gorky described such an example in the story “Old Woman Izergil.” Larra, the son of an eagle and the earthly woman he abducted, came to the tribe of people, but with his own charter. He, like his father, believed that he could forcefully take whatever he liked without asking permission or opinion. Therefore, Larra, without hesitation, killed the girl who did not want to go with him. What could his fellow tribesmen do? They had to come into conflict with the criminal and punish him. People tied up the killer and interrogated him, and then decided to expel Larra. No matter how peaceful these heroes were, they could not avoid this showdown, because the criminal was violating their rights and had to be stopped. society is forced to conflict with those who go against its laws, otherwise it will become a victim of the aggressor.

Thus, people should avoid quarrels and disputes in order to preserve family, friendship, and relationships within the work team. Enmity destroys everything that is most precious to us. But when our freedoms are destroyed by someone else's permissiveness, we need to enter into conflict in order to protect our rights from the attacks of the criminal.

Is a thin world a better place?

“I had a very happy childhood: a friendly family, daily dinners together, family traditions, kayaking trips... But that was until a certain point, which came when I was 8 years old - my parents suddenly announced that they were getting a divorce. It was a bolt from the blue! To say that I was shocked is to say nothing. A month after their divorce, I became seriously ill” (Vitaly, 37 years old).

There are married couples who, not wanting to traumatize the child’s psyche, avoid a showdown in every possible way. But if at the same time they hush up problems and quietly accumulate grievances within themselves, this is also extreme. Firstly, most children still feel that something bad is happening between their parents, threatening the family. And secondly, if you manage to hide a serious discord in a relationship from your children, then sooner or later they will experience bitter disappointment.

Of course, this does not mean that you need to “let off steam” at every opportunity, not paying attention to the presence of a child nearby. But maintaining an illusory world for his sake also does not always make sense: falsehood is not the best assistant in education.

Option 1

(347 words) Many people try to avoid conflicts because they do not like quarrels and value relationships with loved ones. However, there are situations when we cannot remain silent, otherwise we risk losing ourselves in countless concessions. Russian literature is rich in such examples.

So, in the work of A.S. Pushkin's "The Captain's Daughter" we witness a quarrel between two friends. Alexey insulted Peter's beloved girlfriend, saying that instead of poetry she would prefer earrings, and for them she would willingly visit the officer at night. These words discredited the honor of the Mironov family - people who accepted Shvabrin as their own. Peter could not forgive such meanness and ingratitude. How to remain silent if a person behaves disgustingly and dishonestly? Is it possible to ignore injustice? Grinev challenged Shvabrin to a duel and fought with him, even despite the ban from the commandant of the fortress. In this situation, it was impossible to avoid conflict, because Alexei’s vile gossip could ruin the future of Marya, who was already having difficulty finding a groom due to the lack of a dowry. In addition, Peter would not have been able to respect himself and adhere to his principles if he had not stood up for the lady of his heart.

As another example, consider a situation closer to the life and customs of our families. A.N. Ostrovsky in his play “The Thunderstorm” described the conflict between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law. Kabanikha took over all the power in the house and commanded her weak-willed son. The waywardness of his wife caused Marfa Ignatievna irritation and even anger. To suppress her resistance, she spared no reproaches and rudeness. Of course, the daughter-in-law had better self-control and was more cultured, so she could have remained silent and shown respect for her elders, as many would say. But if Katerina allowed her mother-in-law to push her around, would she remain faithful to her convictions? Would she be able to respect herself? No, because she would have to say goodbye to her individuality and originality. The heroine would become the same hypocrite and hypocrite as all the inhabitants of Kalinov. Therefore, Katerina always respectfully but firmly objects to Kabanikha. She cannot avoid this conflict, otherwise she will lose herself.

Thus, in life you often have to defend your right to remain yourself, so all conflicts cannot be avoided. Otherwise, we will lose our opinion in a series of concessions and become weak-willed puppets in the hands of those who are not afraid to quarrel in order to achieve a goal.