How to protect yourself from emotional abuse from parents

Possible reasons

Parents May Fight Because of Jealousy
Let's take a look at why parents fight and what might influence it.

Tired of each other. The adults have been living together for years; there are practically no common interests left. Reluctance to give in to one’s opinion and misunderstandings lead to constant conflicts.
Problems at work. A situation where a father or mother works “three jobs” and expresses their fatigue with irritation towards their significant other, and sometimes towards their children. If the spouse who stays at home with the children does not look after the household or take care of the kids, then the intensity of passions increases.
Jealousy. A situation when one of the parents begins to be jealous of the other, suggesting that the partner has an affair. Sometimes jealousy can be justified, sometimes in vain.
Cooling of relationships. A situation where there is no longer romance between parents, they have stopped caring for each other and showing tenderness.
Financial difficulties. Often quarrels arise on financial grounds when the family lacks money. For example, a mother may blame her father for his inability to provide for the family. A man can reproach a woman for sitting at home and not wanting to go to work when the family does not have enough money for a normal existence.
Different views on the process of raising children and on life in general. Adults can make trouble when their points of view do not coincide. However, they do not understand that they can compromise.
Tyranny in the family. Scandals can arise in situations where one parent tries to subjugate the other. This is a henpecked mother and father and a despot man with a victim woman.
Living together for several generations under one roof can also lead to certain quarrels. For example, in a situation where the father of the family lives in the same apartment with his mother-in-law, he makes a scene for his wife, demanding that her mother leave their life.

Like everyone else, my parents quarreled from time to time, but it never escalated to fights or personal insults. Despite this, being present at the moment of their scandal in the apartment was unbearable, I went outside. They made up quickly enough. Then they asked for forgiveness for the fact that I had to see their quarrel.

Confession of a child

Here is a child's confession about parental scandals.

“When my parents fight, I feel helpless. All I can do is sit and wait for all this to end. I just don’t know how to protect and, most importantly, who: mom or dad, because I love them both.

Sometimes they think I'm sleeping, but I'm not. I look at their shadows on the wall right in the family photo where we are captured so happy. And I really want to take my parents by the hands and reconcile them. My only wish is that my parents never quarrel.”

What to do in such a situation

It is important to know how to behave if your parents argue.

The child should not get into trouble or get involved in their conflict. Do not forget that parents are now irritated and may say something that they would not say in a normal situation, due to a state of passion. It is best to leave the room in which mom and dad are quarreling.
The child should not listen closely to what is happening between adults, or try to hear every word in the conversation. It is better if he is able to put on headphones and somehow distract himself from what is happening. It is necessary to understand that a child cannot change what happens between adults. At such a moment, it is best to do something important for yourself, not to focus on the conflict between mom and dad, because this way the baby himself will begin to get nervous.
It is important to remain neutral. You should not take the side of one of the parents. Of course, the exception is situations when a man raises his hand against a woman.
The child can try to talk to adults, but only after the quarrel is over. Parents will cool down, and the baby will have the opportunity to express his point of view. The child must declare that he loves both mom and dad very much, that it is unbearable for him to listen to their scandals, he experiences fear and resentment at this moment.
Hold your parents. Perhaps the baby can help his mother around the house or support his father, pointing out how the family appreciates what he does.
In a situation where a quarrel is accompanied by a fight or drinking alcohol, the child needs to turn to his closest relatives or people he trusts for help.
It is unacceptable for a child to believe that he is the cause of conflict between adults. It is important to understand that the relationship between parents is only their relationship; it does not affect how mom and dad treat their offspring.
In no case should a child try to harm himself in order to reconcile his parents and try to attract their attention.
The kid should not feel sorry for himself, think that only in his family adults quarrel. You need to understand that this can sometimes happen, they are trying to understand each other and soon everything will work out.
It is important that a child, looking at his parents who are making a rude row or abusing alcohol or fighting, is able to protect himself from what he sees and does not take an example from them in the future.
Children should not wash their dirty laundry in public, telling everyone about the quarrels that happen in their home. The exception is communication with close relatives and scandals that threaten the life and health of family members.
If a child notices that during a conflict one of the parents may take out their anger on him, he should have time to hide, if possible, leave the apartment or house.
In some cases, it is impossible to do without family psychotherapy, but it is better if the parents are advised to see a specialist by one of their close relatives, and not by the child, who can get into trouble with his moral teachings.

What can be done to prevent parents from arguing at all?

Speaking in a global sense, it is unlikely that a child can influence a difficult family situation, although he can make some adjustments. What is it about:

Make a poster, collage, video montage of family photos, where everyone is enjoying life, smiling, loving each other. What has changed, why has everything changed? While watching, talk to mom and dad, bring them to an intimate conversation.
Prepare a festive dinner for your parents, help them relax after a hard day at work, turn on music, brew delicious fragrant tea, or maybe agree with your grandmother to spend the night with her (let the adults be together, alone, and enjoy each other).
Buy parents tickets to the cinema, to the theater, please them with a good film or production.
Invite parents to spend time together, go on vacation, a hike, even a short trip, where everyone will be joyful and happy.
You can record a quarrel on a hidden camera, so that you can later show your parents what they look like from the outside.

Even if conflicts lead to the parents separating, you need to make this decision, but at the same time remember that mom and dad have not stopped loving their child less.

It’s just that life is a really difficult thing, but it goes on and it’s beautiful!

Tips for parents

You must learn not to swear in front of your child. Parents must understand the harm they can cause to the child’s psyche.
If quarrels happen, try to control yourself; you don’t need to go as far as insulting each other or mentioning your closest relatives in a bad way.
Don't remember past grievances. There is absolutely no need to stir up what is already in the past, and even in the presence of the baby. He shouldn't know about his parents' secrets at all.
If a quarrel happened in front of the toddler, then reconciliation should also take place in his presence.

Now you know what to do if scandals start between parents at home. Remember that it is important to identify what exactly pushes them to quarrels, what are the causes of conflicts. Do not forget that sometimes it is better not to interfere, and at times it is within the child’s power to protect the family from unnecessary quarrels. Remember that it is unacceptable for a child to take the side of one of the parents, as it is as if he is betraying the other.

Scientific evidence

In fact, a negative effect on a child’s brain occurs as early as six months: naturally, due to parental quarrels. As proof, here is a study by Dr. Alice from Oregon State University. During the experiment, brain scans were performed on 20 infants aged from six months to one year. As a result, it was found that brain activity changes depending on intonation. So, if a child hears anger and aggression, then the areas responsible for stress and emotion regulation are activated.

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Here are more negative consequences of parental quarrels for a child.

Talk about your feelings

Often parents begin to feel awkward when they find out that their child is uncomfortable when they argue. Sometimes this significantly reduces the incidence of future scandals. But you need to talk about feelings carefully! You can’t throw loud words, blame someone, say that you hate your parents, and the like. You need to talk to your parents calmly, preferably over dinner together. Mom and dad should already calm down after the conflict. The child should try to convey to them that it is unpleasant for him when they quarrel, and he would not like this to happen in his family. Usually, after such a conversation, parents begin to feel guilty and already perceive their child as an adult.

Do not talk about family conflicts to strangers

Everything that happens at home should not go beyond its boundaries. Therefore, it is better not to tell school friends and other strangers about family scandals. Otherwise, such revelations can lead to jokes, ridicule and unpleasant comments. Secrets can only be shared with those you strongly trust. Ideally, this should be an adult. He will not only listen with understanding, but also give practical advice.

When should you ask for help?

Sometimes you just need to tell others about family conflicts. For example, if alcohol is constantly drunk in the house, if parents swear and fight. What should a child do in this case? You need to tell about this as soon as possible to an adult who can take some action. This could be a grandfather, aunt, teacher or school psychologist. You can dial a helpline for children and talk to specialists. If the situation is critical (there is a threat to life), then you need to call the police and ambulance. At the same time, you need to understand that there will be certain consequences. The family will be interested in the guardianship authorities, which in very severe cases can deprive mom and dad of parental rights.

Keep out

It is clear that a child wants to help in some way if the parents argue a lot. What you definitely shouldn’t do is try to intervene in the conflict, much less look for who is right and who is wrong. In this case, the parents will only reject the child, asking him not to interfere where he is not asked. They can also thoughtlessly and rashly say unpleasant words to the person who intervened.

Accept feelings

First of all, you need to understand that quarrels in the family are normal. If mom and dad quarrel periodically, then there is nothing wrong with that, because they may have different views on some things. Everyone has conflicts. Even an unwitting witness to a quarrel can feel unpleasant, scared, ashamed and simply uncomfortable. You need to accept your feelings, recognize them as normal, and not withdraw into yourself. It is also important to understand that the relationship between mom and dad is only their business and their conflicts have nothing to do with the children. Most parents forget about the quarrel within a few minutes and communicate as if nothing had happened. Therefore, you should not take everything to heart.

Get down to business

Children are unnecessary in adult quarrels. In order not to pay attention to them, you need to keep yourself busy with something. What to do if parents argue? You can go to your room to listen to music, read a book, play on the computer, surf the Internet, draw, do homework. That is, you need to distract yourself with something.

In order not to hear your parents' conversation, it is better to put on headphones, turn on music or watch a movie. You can go for a walk or visit someone. You just need to warn mom and dad about this! In person or by leaving a note in a visible place.