31.03.2016
I recently wrote an article about how to improve relationships with children, where I gave a list of what parents are not recommended to do when their children have grown up, if they want to build good relationships with children, not formal, but real.
The time has come for children to think about how to improve relationships with their parents, because building relationships is a job on both sides. I will rely on my personal experience and the experience of those people who come to my trainings.
If you want a harmonious and happy life, then you need to work on all areas of your life. And one of the most important areas is relationships with parents. Every child has a connection with their parent, and it is extremely important that this connection helps in life, and does not drag them down. So that there are no grievances, misunderstandings, disappointments, anger and problems in this area.
Why "Fathers and Sons"?
— Gleb Valerievich, they say that relationships with parents influence a person’s entire life - his own family, relationships at work, etc. Why are these relationships so significant?
— You see, we are not born a “blank slate.” Parents give us life and with it specific individual psychological characteristics, pass on the cultural and spiritual heritage they have accumulated. The Lord God established a certain order: a husband and wife give birth to children and raise them. And the fact that we have these particular parents, and not others, is a fact that must be accepted as part of our life.
And therefore, honoring parents is an obligation arising from this fact and at the same time a moral and psychological task. You must learn to honor them not for their wonderful qualities, but simply by the fact of your birth from them. Often people proceed from whether it is easy for them to communicate with their parents or not: if it is easy, you can honor them, if it is difficult, then you can not communicate or be offended by them, quarrel, reproach them. No! Mother and father are those people with whom it is fundamentally important for us to build harmonious relationships, it is important both for observing the Commandments of God, and for parents, and for ourselves.
- Otherwise - what?..
“Otherwise, I think a person cannot be completely happy.”
Parents are the link connecting us with previous generations. And conflicts with them, condemnation of them, rejection prevents us from feeling this belonging to the clan, and therefore from comprehending life as a whole; deprives the experience of belonging, can cause the experience of loneliness, uselessness, abandonment.
Old grievances
— A frequent basis for alienation is grievances from childhood: “They were too strict with me, they didn’t love me”; “I was overprotected”; “Dad was tyrannical”; “Mom didn’t allow me to do what I was drawn to.” How to overcome such things?
- Let's first realize that from a spiritual point of view, such words are murmur. Murmuring against God. In other words, the person says: “Lord, You have thought poorly of me. He gave me the wrong kind of parents, which is why I am now worse than I could have been. But this is not my responsibility!” And self-pity and self-justification join the grumbling. This harms a person, depriving him of the opportunity to change anything in his life. And it creates the basis for alienation from parents.
- Is it just that time doesn’t heal such grievances?
- No. Resentment draws a person in like a whirlpool, it can, on the contrary, gain strength, turn into a sinful habit: you get used to blaming others and getting satisfaction and benefit from this - why, they say, correct something, since it’s not about me, but about my parents ?
The state of resentment is quite dangerous and unproductive: a person is internally passive, he is captive to experiences of imaginary injustice, self-pity, and anger towards others. And in fact he is trying to avoid responsibility for his life, for himself.
- What is the way out?
“The only way out here is to deal with yourself, accept the circumstances of your life as a fait accompli, come to terms with it and thereby move into an active internal position as the creator of your life.
Maybe you really were not given something in childhood. But you have a life, you have arms, legs, a head: how do you use them? What are you aiming for? What goals do you set for yourself? These are no longer your parents’ hands, feet, and head, they are yours, they belong to you. So the responsibility lies with you.
Therefore, a person can look at himself and say: “Today this is exactly what I am. What can I do about this now? Do I want to do something? I would advise you to be stricter with yourself, ask yourself these questions, find answers, but do not sit still, do not let the situation take its course. Time does not stand still, no matter how late...
— There is a popular method today: mentally reliving an unpleasant, offensive situation... In your opinion, is this an acceptable technique?
— I remembered one case that Metropolitan Anthony (Bloom) of Sourozh described: an elderly lady who suffered from insomnia came to him. When she went to bed, various unpleasant situations from the past surfaced in her memory. And the Lord gave the following advice: “When this or that situation pops up in your memory, ask yourself a question: if this were to happen again now, what would I do?” And she began to do so. It was a moment of internal repentance, a re-evaluation of the past, as far as I understand. She said: “Yes, I would behave differently here; I wouldn’t utter such words.” And gradually these memories stopped tormenting her.
So yes, such a technique is possible. But! The fundamental point here is your own repentance, the search for your responsibility in that situation in the past! Don’t just passively remember it, but change the criteria for evaluating it, change your attitude towards the people participating in it.
Otherwise, it will turn out to be Manilovism: “Oh, if only they had told me then..., then I would have now...”. A sober, self-critical attitude is very important. A person’s task is not to change the past, not to forget it, but to see, find meaning in those situations of many years ago that he complains about; come to terms with the past, accept it as part of your life and move on. This helps to find inner integrity and harmony.
- But this is not about your mistakes...
- Let’s say, but let’s ask ourselves: don’t I make mistakes in my life now, do I always act fairly and according to my conscience? Since I’m offended, maybe my parents can also “blame” the responsibility for their mistakes in my upbringing on their mom and dad, and then on their own, and so on up to and including Adam? Does this shifting of responsibility change anything in my life?
Since I forgive myself for my imperfections, my mistakes, then, in all conscience, I should also come to terms with the imperfections of my parents.
“I won’t give you bad advice”
— Many conflicts are related to the fact that adult children and their parents do not agree on how they, children, should live. How important should parents' opinions be to adult children?
— The commandment speaks to us about reverence, and not about unquestioning submission. But in a situation where your opinions differ, it seems to me that the issue of respect for parents comes to the fore. If they insist: “I won’t advise you anything bad!”, it is better to say politely, calmly, but firmly: “Thank you very much, I understand your point of view. But you raised me to be an independent person, let me think and make my decision.” The main thing is that you don’t need to brush aside your parents’ opinions, cut them off abruptly, or show disdain for their life experience and desire to help. And if we did act in our own way, it is better to let them know about it. Even if they get upset, it will be less of an evil than being offended by being neglected.
— The opposite situation happens: a person has grown up, but is still overly dependent on the opinions of his parents, and as a result, he constantly tries to earn their approval...
“This suggests that a person, to a greater extent than necessary for an adult, feels like a child who needs the approval of a parent. We need to figure out the reasons for this addiction and grow up. The reason may be experiences of one’s own powerlessness, insecurity, rejection, the belief “I’m not good” or “you can’t upset your parents,” which stretch from childhood. And here it is advisable for a person to reflect with someone, perhaps a psychologist, a priest: why is it difficult for me to insist on my own when communicating with my parents? What happens in me when we argue? What can I lose if I do it my way? What qualities within myself can I rely on when making a difficult decision?
— How should such a person react when his parents constantly compare him with those who have achieved more in life?
- This is a very painful situation. Such comparisons undermine the child’s sense of uniqueness and confidence in parental love. It turns out that in the eyes of those closest to you, you yourself are not very important, what is important is your achievements.
I think in such a situation you need to put up a “wall” internally, to isolate yourself from such comparisons and assessments. Shift your focus to yourself, ask yourself questions: “What do I want to do in my life? What goals do I set for myself? What things matter to me and what don't? An adult is no longer guided by someone else’s opinion, but by his own conscience. And conscience can say: “You are not he (she). You should not live up to your parents' expectations with your life. If you did everything you could in a given situation, then you can listen with half an ear to other people’s assessments.”
— The well-known formula “everything is known by comparison” does not work here?
— If we’re going to compare, then compare ourselves with ourselves yesterday.
In addition, a believer has his own system of comparisons: he compares himself with the Savior, first of all, with the Man Whom the Savior revealed himself to be - an ideal Man. So when an internal spiritual coordinate system appears, a person becomes freer from assessments of the social environment, social standards and stereotypes. He does not completely break away from them, does not try to deliberately neglect them, but becomes freer, “accepting praise and slander with indifference...”
— Does this “wall” that you are talking about mean that there will not be complete openness in the parent-child relationship? This is fine?
- I think yes, it’s normal. It seems to me that there cannot be absolute openness, such as in marriage or friendship, in relationships with parents, because there is a certain inequality and hierarchy in them. Parents are the ones who gave us life; they always walk ahead of us along the path of life. Even if we are seven-spans in the forehead and with three diplomas of higher education, we are still children for them. On the other hand, there are aspects of the parental relationship that even adult children do not benefit from knowing. Therefore, there is another form of openness here.
You say: “Okay, Michael, where to start?”
It all depends on what kind of parent you have and who you are.
— There are parents who are impenetrable, they really can’t hear you, they want to, but they can’t. It happens: the heart is completely closed at the level of logic and words, as if communication is in different languages. — It happens when parents are ready for dialogue. It's one thing when you live with them, it's another thing when you live separately. Mentality, gender, and so on are important. For example, a son can talk to his mother in one way, but his daughter will not be able to talk in this format. Everything is very individual.
If there is no way to build a relationship. It happens. Starting from the fact that the parents no longer exist at all, ending with the situation when the parent suffers from alcohol addiction. In this case, you will need to work, first of all, with yourself, so that there are no negative emotions, resentments, and so on within you towards your parents. To change the situation through yourself.
In general, you need to talk, talk, talk and talk again, or rather, talk... Heart to heart, sincerely, with love... We need dialogue, questions, discussions. Not shouting, swearing, attempts to defend one’s own, but dialogue. Sometimes you need to firmly stand your ground so that parents understand: there is a line that cannot be crossed, sometimes you need to adapt yourself if there is no other way, but always remember that you are building a relationship so that everyone will feel good on both sides.
Let's look at how I did it. I’ll say right away that I’m lucky: although my parents don’t agree with my lifestyle, they are ready to listen, talk, and communicate on this topic. In my last conversation with my mother, I openly told her that we are very different people, like from another planet, and she understood this, so there is no point in teaching each other to live, it is much more interesting to communicate on deep topics so that these different planets to understand and accept.
He said that I, as a son, love her very much. And all my actions, which may be incomprehensible, my worldview in no way affect my love for her. If I do something and it doesn’t fit into her picture of the world, then it’s not to offend. This doesn’t mean that I don’t value her (I don’t listen to advice), it doesn’t mean that I don’t respect her (if I draw a certain line beyond which my life is complete). I love, respect, remember - it’s even reinforced concrete, but I have my own values and principles that are unshakable.
Through these conversations, I began to understand my mother more, and there was an acceptance of her fate, her attitude towards herself, towards life and towards me, and an understanding of the reasons for her suffering. It is now full of books about how to raise children, that you can do without a belt, a rubber hose from a washing machine, but at the time when she was little, there were completely different morals. Put him in a corner, use physical force, yell at him - that was in the order of things.
None of her parents asked questions of purpose, did not pay attention to the fact that if there are several children in a family, it is easy to forget about the elders, that a child, especially a girl, needs the love of her parents, and not attempts to break her psyche and adjust it to herself. My father had the same childhood.
Disliked
Photo by Alexey Dmitrienko
- It happens that parents are irresponsible towards their children and do not do enough with them. How to overcome this gap in relationships when a person is already an adult?
- It depends rather on how this already grown child feels. On the one hand, he may have resentment and a desire to still feel a kind attitude from his parents towards himself, and he will try to “earn” it, and on the other hand, he may get used to the fact that there is no attention and support from them, and start looking for this support from other people.
- And is this normal?
“It’s hard to consider this situation normal. But you don’t need to “deserve” attention and love—there’s no need to impose yourself. Most likely, this will not lead to anything good. But taking some steps towards your parents is worth a try. Although this will probably be quite painful: a person has an unsurvived experience of a breakup, loss of love, self-neglect, and when in adulthood he takes steps towards his parents, he is psychologically immersed in this painful situation again. After all, if parents did not pay enough attention to the child in childhood, it is not a fact that they realized this. It is quite possible that they believe that since their son or daughter grew up “no worse than others,” it means that they are not the worst parents and did everything right. And this is exactly the position that hurts the “disliked” child the most, because he feels that she is wrong.
And in order to try to change something, you need to enlist spiritual or psychological support, since building relationships is not a quick process. And, most importantly, clearly answer the questions: “Why do I need this? What am I waiting for?” so as not to be deceived by unrealistic expectations and not face repeated disappointments.
— If he decides that he needs it, what next?..
— The next step is to draw in detail different options for the expected result. “What am I waiting for - that my mother will ask me for forgiveness, repent of her inattention, and everything will be fine with us? Or will there be completely friendly relations and nothing more?” You need to test your heart, and with your already adult mind, be quite critical of your expectations. After all, I repeat, parents may well not feel “disliked” by their child.
Next, tell yourself the following: “No matter what, I will do everything possible to ensure that some kind of relationship takes place between us.” You must be prepared for the fact that your efforts - conversations, perhaps revelations, attempts to make relations with your parents more cordial - will not meet with understanding. There may even be a reaction of resentment, they say, you don’t appreciate what we did for you. And you need to be ready to accept it, not to be disappointed, not to become despondent.
Again, support is needed here. After all, it's hard. But with such efforts, a person, firstly, can overcome his trauma, and secondly, he can become wiser and stronger. In any case, it will not go unnoticed.
How does this happen in practice?
If we talk about those people who study at my trainings and solve the problem, then there are completely different situations. Some people take their relationship to the point where they calmly discuss with their parents what happened in childhood. What pain they caused in childhood with their judgment or harsh upbringing, but at the same time this is not a form of condemnation, but a form of sharing emotions. The child simply shares, the parent listens. You can't return the past, but everyone is happy.
After working through this problem, someone gets their parents back. After many years of formal relationships, communication with parents begins to bring joy and helps open the heart. Naturally, the parents at this moment receive their child back, after many years during which it was believed that the relationship was dead.
Some people manage to build relationships only in such a way that they don’t have to worry about it themselves. Parents stand their ground, do not change in any way and do not meet halfway. There remains hope that through work on themselves and over time, they will still see the light.
Someone achieves a normal relationship only after a serious conversation with their parents and defining the boundaries that cannot be crossed. Most often, men manage to do this.
Everyone has a different ending. It is clear that not everything depends on you at the current moment, but the future and what feelings will live in your heart depend on you.
Independence and overprotection
— A common situation is excessive guardianship or, in general, any situation in which an adult cannot fully mature. Many psychologists insist that adult children should live separately from their parents. How true is this?
- This largely depends on how ready the children are for adulthood and how sane the parents are and agree that their child has grown up. The question is not where and with whom a person lives. The question is whether parents and an already grown child can build a relationship at a higher level of independence, autonomy and responsibility. It is not so easy.
- Why? Isn't this natural?
- Our parents quite often - no matter how old we are - perceive us as children. And, in general, this is not so bad. But grown-up children also have the same temptation: in some difficult life situations (or not very difficult ones) to take the position of a child. It turns out that how to have fun, go somewhere - so we are adults, but how to iron shirts, wash things, clean up after ourselves, give part of the money for housekeeping - so we are children! This temptation is difficult to avoid when you live with your parents. Especially when a caring mother suggests: “Come on, daughter (or son), let me cook (buy, iron, clean) - it’s not difficult for me!”
And it turns out that such independence is very one-sided.
Therefore, maybe in some cases you can move out for a while, live alone, try what it’s like - it will be useful for both the parents and the adult young man himself.
— And if there is no such opportunity, how to take steps towards independence?
— We need to take responsibility more often: show concern, call, find out what needs to be bought, do something around the house, and so on. In general, be active and take initiative. This, it seems to me, is a fundamentally important point.
Empty nest syndrome
— Is it easier for a child to adapt to independent life than for parents to adapt to the fact that he has grown up?
— Yes, I think that for parents the temptation is stronger to leave everything “as before.” Firstly, in many ways, modern parents often forget that the goal of education is paradoxical - to make sure that the child stops needing us, becomes mature, capable of creating his own family; so that we, parents, like some kind of props, would no longer be needed by him; so that our relations move to a higher level - friendly; so that in the end, adult children will take care of their aged parents.
Secondly, it is very difficult for parents to wean themselves from their protective role, which they have played for more than 20 years. It often turns out that the only child in whom enormous effort, time, and heart have been invested leaves, breaks away, begins to live his own life, and the parents have a question: “Who am I now? How to fill your life? This separation of a grown child can be very painful for them. Therefore, they often want to be a support, to detain a person in his childhood. And this does no one any good.
— Is it possible in this situation to just have an honest, open conversation?
- Can. And even necessary. But you shouldn’t expect that the conversation will change anything fundamentally. The fact is that parents behave in one way or another not because they do not understand something. The question is their ability to manage themselves, their lives and their internal state. After all, you need to rebuild your life, find new goals. This is difficult.
- How can we help parents with this?
— As in any other situation, you need to start with yourself.
Firstly, it is important here that our behavior in the eyes of our parents is serious and responsible. So that they can see that we set certain goals, study or work, overcome difficulties, etc. Thus, we help them reduce their anxiety about us. Secondly, already grown children can help parents fulfill the desires, interests, dreams that they have, help them find some activities they like.
There is a concept in psychology called “empty nest syndrome”: when children become adults, parents have the opportunity to look at each other in a new way—not through the child—and rebuild their relationships. “Who are we to each other now? There were mom and dad. And now?" During this period there are many divorces, because people have lost the habit of communicating as friends, as loving people.
And our “adultness” can manifest itself here precisely in helping parents see themselves in a new way, to see the possibilities of life, and not just everyday life and vanity. There are no general recommendations. But it’s not enough to say: “You have a lot of time, go wherever you want” or “There is a social center, go there!” The problem, perhaps, is that the parent does not want to go anywhere; he is so accustomed to living according to the “home, work, home” scheme that his life horizon has narrowed to a small corridor. It is important that we have both patience and mercy towards our parents, it is important to force ourselves to make an effort to push these boundaries: to search, find out, go somewhere together.
Because, as we grow up, we gain strength, our parents are diminished in every sense. And our task is to lend a shoulder to them so that they do not feel helpless and powerless.
Looking at how my parents grew up, I'm honestly just horrified.
Could I withstand such an attitude, such an upbringing? What would happen if I grew up in a world that was surrounded on all sides by walls, restrictions, and prohibitions? Worldview is formed on the basis of life experience, on the basis of the surrounding information space. What would happen to me if I had to go through such an experience?..
I think it was very difficult for me... Therefore, I cannot blame my parents for anything... I cannot condemn. I build relationships with them based on love for them, based on objective reality...
Of course, I would be glad if my Mom and Dad did yoga, were vegetarians, and created their own projects based on their talents, because they have them!! If they went to trainings, read certain books... But this is purely my desire, it was extremely useful for them, but this is my desire first of all, and I cannot put my desire above their individuality...
As a result, I have an excellent relationship with Dad and Mom, although we are all very different people... But this is not only my merit, but also the merit of my parents. There are relatives with whom I don’t know if it would be possible to build at least some kind of dialogue if they were my parents...
I have already said that there is an aggressive environment around us. This world is now in such a state, in such dynamics, that each generation not only finds itself in different information fields, in different political systems, in different ideological and religious directions. In addition, within these generations there are so many individual life scenarios that there is such a wild difference in worldviews...
In a different landscape (system, information field, concepts of the meaning of life, social norms, etc.), such a problem might not exist, but what we have is what we have...
