Difficult and uncontrollable teenagers. How can parents influence?
Difficult teenagers - they fall outside the generally accepted norms, live by their own laws, and are inconvenient to others. Their behavior interferes with full education. What to do if your child becomes like this? How can parents influence the situation?
If a teenager has become uncontrollable and aggressive, then parents must realize that the child:
- out of their power;
- matured as a person;
- can be responsible for himself and his actions.
And the time has come to rebuild for both parents and child. This will help build new trusting relationships with a difficult teenager, influence his uncontrollability and character.
To solve a problem is to understand its cause
The origins of a teenager’s uncontrollability and aggression are not in his difficult character (at this age, physical development is ahead of personal development, a search for oneself is underway), but in:
- an uncomfortable situation in the family (parents shout, swear, reproach, or are completely indifferent to each other, inconsistent in their actions);
- lack of attention and love from parents;
- copying the behavior of parents with sincere misunderstanding: “Why is it possible for them, but not for him...”;
- desire to assert oneself (protest against the guardianship and authority of parents);
- desire for revenge (for grievances against parents);
- lack of confidence in yourself and your success.
With his behavior, the teenager is trying to attract attention to himself.
And parents need to pay attention to their reaction to the child’s disobedience and aggression:
- you get annoyed when your child fights for your attention;
- you get angry when a child contradicts your will;
- you get offended when your child takes revenge;
- you are in despair when the child in you experiences your own troubles.
Your feelings are a mirror of a teenager's emotional problem. Understanding her through your feelings, try to establish a trusting relationship with him, help him return to the social framework. Remember that a child's uncontrollability is an open way of behavior that allows parents to influence and help the teenager.
Advice for parents of uncontrollable teenagers
1. Do not deal with teenagers in a directive manner (instructions, comments, concerns), but use metaphors and comparisons that do not hurt the child.
2. Always be delicate with a teenager: do not be indignant (this is to be expected! And what were you thinking!), but give the child the opportunity to identify the problem himself (he has already matured).
3. Do not stoop to humiliation and punishment, even with words. Always evaluate only actions, not personality (it’s not you who are bad, but your actions that are bad).
4. Share the feelings of a difficult teenager (I know what it's like too; I understand that you're angry).
5. Don’t get irritated, don’t respond to aggression with aggression. Just say that you are very angry with the child. This will relieve tension and influence the teenager's behavior.
6. Block aggression with laughter, joy, surprise (give your child a chocolate bar - he will be surprised).
7. Teach your child to unload emotionally through physical activity (punching bag, darts, treadmill).
8. If the child is excited, irritated, and cannot control himself, keep him at home and relieve the tension (start beating pillows or tearing newspapers).
9. Do not ignore rudeness: do not talk to a teenager if he is rude. Relieve tension by saying that you are offended when people shout at you and are rude.
10. Don’t provoke anxiety in teenagers (it’s dangerous to go there, don’t talk to them, don’t approach them, etc.). Instead of “be careful,” say “call if you can.”
11. Always offer help to a difficult child, while talking about your feelings (I don’t understand what’s wrong with you, and I’m confused; you’re angry, I don’t understand what’s bothering you). If you refuse help, say that you are still always ready to help. Create a rear for a teenager.
12. Never put pressure on a teenager, do not evaluate the situation, do not scold, do not raise your voice. By your behavior, show that you are ready to help him, on his side, support his self-esteem.
13. If a teenager asks you uncomfortable questions, do not distance yourself, put yourself in the child’s place, and answer sincerely and tactfully. This way trust will be gradually gained.
14. Try to teach your child something useful that will be useful to him in life. Pay attention to his area of interest and offer him something he likes.
15. A difficult teenager needs to create a “life” schedule in which needs will be mixed with desires.
Returning a teenager to normal behavior and continuing his harmonious upbringing is a lot of mutual work between parents and child.
If the child is rude
Rudeness and rudeness towards parents must be stopped immediately. When mothers of teenagers complain about the behavior of 13-14 year olds, I want to ask: how did it come to this? The child almost swears at his mother (and sometimes almost without) - this didn’t happen overnight. This means that at the age of 11 the rude, irritated tone fell on deaf ears. This cannot be allowed; at the first signs of disrespect, you must calmly but firmly tell the child that such a tone in communicating with you is unacceptable. Children are obliged to respect their parents, no matter what mood or transitional age they are in.
There is also the opposite extreme. Some parents (usually fathers, but sometimes mothers as well) are so authoritarian that the child has no right to his own opinion, even on such global issues as choosing a future specialty. In this case, there are usually two options: either a downtrodden creature grows up, who most likely faces the fate of a victim in his own family life, or a teenager breaks his bonds and goes into all serious troubles, and it is no longer known whether he will be able to emerge unscathed from this storm . But there are fewer and fewer such tyrants in our time. There are many more liberal parents who let their child go, don’t set any boundaries for him, and grab their heads when it’s too late.
Photo by Damir Spanic on Unsplash
One mother came to the forum asking what to do with her 11-year-old daughter. Doesn't listen to parents, is rude. Her parents love her and don’t hit her, except to spank her once with a towel. Mom asks if she needs to spank her daughter harder to get her to obey.
The girl entered adolescence, and her parents were not ready for this. But 11 years is still the very beginning of adolescence and there is a chance to improve everything if you make an effort.
Hitting a teenager is a dead end. While a two-year-old can still be stopped with a light spank, such methods do not work with a teenager. More precisely, they work, but in the opposite direction to the desired direction. The teenager will not behave better. On the contrary, he will treat his parents even worse, become even more distant, and the parents will lose all control.
The authority of parents must be supported by non-violent methods. The parent word should work.
It takes a lot of work to make a word work. Firstly, there should be a general friendly atmosphere, and not one continuous criticism. There must be respect for the child’s opinion (no “when you grow up, you’ll understand” and “Why? So you should ask” and the like). Respect the child as a full member of the family, ask his opinion about family matters (trips, joint viewings, menus, etc.). Be sure to praise as soon as there is something to praise for. Many parents only scold and forget to praise.
Be sure to thank when your child does something good for you and for the family.
Feel the child’s mood, when it’s better to leave him alone, when to console him, when to laugh together, when to listen to his story (even about something that doesn’t interest you at all).
Build relationships and your authority will grow. Your word will work: “You can’t speak to me in that tone.” Calm, clear, impressive. No hysterics, and definitely no hitting.
