What to do if a child hits loved ones

When a child hits an adult

Original here WHEN A CHILD HEATS MOM

I tell you so often in different formats what to do with this that I got lazy and decided to write once in detail and provide a link. So, we are talking about a child between 0.5 and 3.5 years old. At different moments of development and growth, he begins to test the boundaries of what is permitted. Particularly in this way. Hit, pinch, bite, pull hair, etc. mom, dad, grandma. As a rule, at this age, events unfold within the family circle and do not yet spread to other children. What to do

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Naturally, the recipe is not universal, but in cases when it comes to testing boundaries, it is enough. 1. Immediately after the blow, it is important to tell the child that you are in pain and you do not want him to hit you. 2. If the blow is repeated, try to intercept your hand. 3. If at this moment the child is in your arms, after the second attempt, you need to let him go, again accompanied by the words that you are not pleased with such treatment and you will not communicate under such conditions. Thus, we attach actions to words, demonstrating with its help the essence of words. 4. If a child cries, you can almost immediately take him back into your arms and feel sorry for him. After all, our task is not to punish and humiliate, but to explain. And by getting away with it unexpectedly for the child, you really upset him. 5. If, after you picked up the baby in your arms, the blow is repeated, release him from your arms again, also, if possible, calmly explaining WHAT SPECIFICALLY is not suitable for you. It is important to find words that make it clear that it is not the child who is bad, but his behavior that is unacceptable. 6. Naturally, after this attempt you don’t immediately pick it up. But it’s also not worth leading to hysteria. Next time you can pick it up, lightly holding the baby’s hands. 7. If the child is not in your arms, it is also important to distance yourself while accompanying the actions with words. Those. if you were playing together, stop playing; if he ran up and hit, leave the room. 8. If all this happens in the presence of other family members or friends, it is important that they either do not interfere in the situation or support the mother. In this case, it is better to feel sorry for the victim, completely ignoring the offender. Such an example demonstrates to the child that such behavior is not the most successful way to attract attention and, most importantly, that it does not work. 9. Consistency is important in all these actions. Those. If you can’t beat your mother, then you can’t hit her either in the morning, or in the evening, or on the street, or at a party, or in any other situations. As a rule, 2-3 weeks are enough to solve the problem. Classic mistakes parents make when trying to deal with such behavior
: 1. “Hit back” by lightly hitting the hand in response or spanking. This is not true. After all, children copy the behavior of their parents. And in this way you demonstrate to the child that hitting is a completely acceptable way to express your dissatisfaction. What is not allowed for a child is not allowed for a mother either. 2. “Pretend to Cry” is a performance. If you don’t touch the fact of deception itself, then also the way mom portrays something is “entertainment” in itself. Especially in a year and a half. And there is a risk that the child will continue to repeat his actions in order to see the “performance”. 3. The same as point 2 concerns screaming, cries of pain, etc. If the child is not afraid, then he perceives what is happening as a “performance”. And he might want to repeat it. 4. Shame. Shame on you, etc. Shame is a social measure, which, if effective for educational purposes, is much later. For kids it's just a word. At the beginning of the article, I wrote that this is often a test of boundaries. Naturally, in the case when the child does not see such treatment in the family. If he is beaten himself, or one of the parents may raise a hand against the other, then he should start changing the situation with himself.

What to do if a child hits loved ones

Problem:

Children aged 3-4 years experience very strong emotions, both positive and negative. Few people are embarrassed if a child laughs out loud or jumps with delight or declares his love 10 times a day; this is most often taken for granted and fits into the myth of childhood as an absolutely happy and carefree time.

But negative emotions, which are normal companions of positive ones, cause a completely different reaction. For some reason, many adults believe that a child at that age is not yet capable or has no right to real anger, aggression, grief, and in every possible way deny the naturalness of these emotions. Someone tries to indulge the child in everything, just to prevent frustration, someone simply forbids the child to show negative emotions: cry, scream, swear. Both paths are equally dangerous.

In the first case, the child is deprived of adequate boundaries, which is why he does not feel safe; in the second, constant suppression of negative emotions leads to fewer positive ones; the child can become apathetic, weak-willed, a whiner, etc.

Therefore , it is very important to allow your child to regularly express both positive and negative emotions. At the same time, gradually teaching him socially acceptable options for their manifestation.

Explanation:

1. When a child shows physical aggression towards an adult, it is often difficult for the latter to see only the situation itself and remember the child’s age-related capabilities. Often in the head of an adult, social stereotypes are woven into the situation that this is a failure in upbringing, that such manifestations need to be suppressed as harshly and uncompromisingly as possible, that there is no point in finding out the reason for such aggression. All this only leads to an aggravation of the conflict and unpredictable consequences in the behavior, well-being and emotional state of the child. It is important in every situation to try not to overindulge and try to see your good child behind the unacceptable behavior, and not a naughty brat. Children can say and do very hurtful things at this age without realizing how much they hurt the adult. Promising to drive out or even kill, a 3-4-year-old does not really understand what is behind these words, but only sees that it has an effect on an adult.

2. In the case of physical aggression, first of all, it is worth stopping the action itself, but not showing retaliatory aggression. Take the child by the hands, in your arms, take him to another room, if possible, in general, physically isolate him. If the child is just swinging, you can try to stop it with words, but if he is already pinching, pushing, kicking you or someone else, first of all you should stop this action physically, accompanied by explanations. In this situation, the grandmother was not ready for this, so her first reaction was a spontaneous reaction to the insult. But then the grandmother came to her senses and was able to react more adequately: hold her grandson’s hands and calmly mark the boundary: “You can’t beat me.” She was also able to calm down and see the conflict not as a separate event, but as a result of some previous actions. She remembered that when she asked her grandson to put away the toys, she did not first capture his attention, did not even turn to him and did not check whether he heard her.

3. Further, the grandmother still gives instructions automatically, gradually becoming irritated that her grandson does not do what he was told. Nevertheless, she still talks behind his back and does not check in any way whether he heard and understood her words. Most likely, it seems to her that since he is in earshot, he should have heard, but in fact, children are often so carried away by the game that they do not hear at all what is happening around.

4. As a result, the first time the grandson hears about cleaning, it turns out to be a complaint and punishment, although it seems to the grandmother that he is just being a fool and knows perfectly well why he is being punished. From the child’s perspective, this looks like a completely unfair and unexpected punishment. He is so upset and angry that he cannot find verbal options for expressing these emotions and rushes at his grandmother with his fists. In this case, the aggression was so strong that the child was unable to restrain it, and the child did not know or did not remember other ways of expressing it.

5. The grandmother understood the reasons for her grandson’s behavior and therefore it became clearer to her how to proceed. After all, what at first looked like laziness and unmotivated anger, after reflection, appeared in a completely different light. The grandmother uses simple questions to clarify with her grandson whether she understood the situation correctly. This helped her confirm her suspicions, while at the same time helping to restore communication and calm the child. Often, a simple confirmation that his interests and emotions are understood and taken into account is enough for a child to calm down and behave adequately again.

6. The grandmother saw that the child could already control himself, so she let go of his hands and decided to discuss the situation and boundaries. She begins the conversation with simple everyday questions, which actually served as the beginning of the conflict. Since before this she attracted the child’s attention and established contact, the issue is easily resolved. At the same time, realizing that the child is still upset, she offers to clean up with him. Seeing that the child is already able to discuss the conflict, the grandmother moves on to more abstract things, namely, she takes into account the mistakes of this conflict and introduces the child to conclusions for the future. She tells him the rules calmly and briefly, without blaming herself or him.

7. An adult understands that it is not enough to simply prohibit unwanted behavior; one must offer an alternative. In the case of physical aggression, such alternatives may include hitting a pillow, stomping one’s feet, running into another room, screaming, or simply verbally expressing the emotion “I’m angry.” Some children should immediately voice all the options to choose from, others can discuss and choose one option together, and for a third it will be easier if an adult chooses the option on their own. But in any case, you cannot suggest simply holding aggression inside yourself without giving it a way out.

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Hit a child

Good afternoon, please help me figure out how to behave. My child is three years old, today I gave him a significant slap in the face. It so happened that he still generally refuses to go to the potty quite often, this morning we were going to wash his butt, I asked him to take off his socks and pants, he took off his socks, but he didn’t want to “take off your pants yourself, yourself!!” and starts squealing like a pig all over the floor, I said that he is an adult and should take it off himself, there is a reason for this - my back hurts a lot in the morning and bending over is very problematic for me, I explained this to him, but everything continued in in the same spirit, “no, take it off, you!!” I said that I wouldn’t and if he didn’t take it off, let him walk around with an unwashed butt, he ran after me and began beating me on the legs, screaming, I again offered to calmly take off my pants myself and go to the bathroom together - refusal. I understand that I probably should have given in and not started all this, but I had already gotten into a position and couldn’t give in, because I was just tired of all this. As a result, I went into the room and said that since he was behaving this way, I didn’t want to talk to him, he started yelling and hit me in the face as hard as he could, I restrained the feelings that surged and just gave me a light punch in the butt, but he didn’t calmed down and, screaming and squealing, again hit me in the face and then I couldn’t stand it and slapped him in the face ((((But not out of anger or irritation, but with an attempt to make me understand how painful it was. Of course, I immediately repented of what I had done, when we both calmed down, I explained that I didn’t mean to and apologized and asked if he understood why I did that, he answered “Because I hit you.” We made up, of course, and everything was as usual, but my conscience is terribly tormenting me, because this is not the first such episode... I rarely physically punish him at all, almost never, I can lose my temper, scream, but nothing more, but his squealing, screaming, and unwillingness to do something out of stubbornness just make me terribly angry. These things happen even when I can’t put him to sleep for an hour and a half, he lashes out, kicks with his legs, maybe knocks me and waits for a reaction, I ask him not to make faces, but he does the same thing even more and laughs, and then it gets dark in my eyes and I can hit the ass or the lips (I just don’t recognize my child at such moments, how from a smart, smart boy he turns into an oblivious little bully who likes to watch my growing anger. And I can’t learn to control myself(( HOW to behave in such situations, where exactly am I behaving incorrectly, how can I stop his behavior? I’m very afraid that if I let everything take its course, he will simply stop perceiving me as an authority... My conscience is very tormenting, I consider myself a bad mother (The child is very attached to me, I myself sit at home with him, I love him very much, I always praise him, he does not go to kindergarten... Maybe he has an overabundance of communication with me? Or does he feel my fatigue? I can’t calm down, help! How to behave correctly?

How can you cope with your emotions and not hit your child? (3 answers)