A selfish person is not the best friend, partner or interlocutor. Such people are shunned, distrusted, and avoid serious matters. In fact, one does not become selfish in one day. The formation of self-obsession and disregard for the interests of other people is preceded by a long process of cultivating egoism.
The conditions in which a person was raised from childhood, his environment and instilled values determine the model of behavior and attitude towards others in adulthood.
Of course, every parent wants the best for their child. Therefore, the last piece is for the child. If she cries, we drop everything and run to console her. A more expensive and larger toy for your beloved child: “So, am I a bad mother?”
There is nothing wrong with striving to fill your childhood with the best. Periodically sacrificing your interests and adapting to the needs of the child is the norm. But, unfortunately, many parents overdo it with care and arranging comfortable conditions for their child. Wanting to provide love and satisfy the child as much as possible, adults forget about an important factor of socialization - respect for other people. It is the lack of respect for others, the awareness that “others need it too”, that are the main indicators of childish selfishness.
Psychologists say that being selfish, especially for a child, is not bad. Selfishness is a character trait that helps you take care of yourself, defend your position, and get what you want. Without healthy egoism, it is difficult for a person to survive in society, become a full-fledged social element and feel comfortable. Key word "healthy"
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Children who have unhealthy characteristics are often called selfish.
Healthy selfishness
- “Mom, get your brother out of the room, he’s stopping me from doing my homework!”
(the child defends his interests).
Unhealthy
- “I’ll take all my brother’s toys because that’s what I want!”
(the child does not respect the interests of another without adequate justification).
Recognizing the fine line between healthy and unhealthy selfishness is not easy. Accordingly, there are many chances to take the wrong “path” and raise an egoist.
If you want to turn your “little deity” into a normal child and learn to behave in such a way as not to cultivate destructive selfishness in him, this article is for you. We will tell you everything about the manifestation of children's egoism and how parents should react to it correctly.
“I only have one child”: real parenting experience
Ekaterina Zherebina, the founder of the Consulting Company, entrepreneur, business consultant, and former teacher, shared her story with us. Ekaterina is raising her only daughter Masha, and today she told us why her family did not have a second child and how she managed to cope with childhood egoism and raise a worthy person:
“I approached the decision to have a child very thoroughly.
Behind me was life without a mother from the age of 12, a pedagogical institute, the practice of studying families with difficult children, or, as I called it, studying children “in difficult conditions.” But that’s not about that now. All this was for me an impenetrable fortress on the path to motherhood. The country experienced a serious crisis in 1998. Despite all the difficulties, in August 2000 my wonderful daughter Masha was born. On August 6 she will be 20 years old. I am 47 years old and I have an only child.
Why haven't I given birth to more children? I’ll answer honestly, my own childhood was spent under strict financial restrictions. Many people no longer remember the hungry 80-90s, but I remember them very well. Therefore, I initially prepared myself for conscious, responsible motherhood. I wanted my child to live in abundance, get a good education and do whatever he wanted.
Has she become selfish? Complex issue.
Let's turn to Wikipedia: “Egoism (ancient Greek Εγώ, lat. ego - “I”) is behavior entirely determined by a person’s desire for his own benefit, benefit...”
My personal point of view, as a teacher, is that each of us in a certain context is an egoist. The main thing is to love children. However, I believe that I have helped my daughter grow into a person who is loved by her friends, family, and co-workers. And on August 22 of this year she has a wedding.”
Surely many of you recognized yourself in our heroine. Every parent wants to give their child the maximum, so families often make a conscious choice towards an only child. Later we will return to the story of Ekaterina and her daughter Masha to find out the advice and recommendations of a business mother and teacher. However, let's look at this phenomenon from a psychological point of view and find out what experts think.
Pros and cons of only children in the family
Only children often regret that they were alone in the family and lacked playmates. On the other hand, those who grew up with siblings report a lack of parental attention and constant conflicts between children.
We tried to understand the pros and cons of raising one child in a family.
Pros:
- The child deserves all the love, care and attention of his parents and closest relatives.
- In addition to spiritual benefits, the only child in the family can also count on material benefits. He doesn't have to share toys, clothes, or school supplies with his siblings.
- Parents invest much more effort and resources into the development, upbringing and education of their only children. They are taken to all sorts of sections, clubs, and art schools. Therefore, often the only children in the family turn out to be more intellectually developed than their peers with brothers and sisters.
Minuses:
- An only child can play the role of the “idol” of the family, turning into a little dictator, whose whims are instantly fulfilled by adults.
- Parental overprotection leads to increased anxiety in children, lack of confidence in themselves and their own strengths.
- An only child often becomes a hostage to unfulfilled parental expectations.
- There are too many expectations placed on the child. As a result, he develops a desire to be the first in everything and not to disappoint his parents (the so-called excellent student syndrome).
- When a child finds himself in a children's group, he understands that here he is no longer the smartest and most wonderful. Caregivers or teachers do not run to him at the first call, and other children do not always want to be friends with him. Many begin to experience adaptation difficulties and problems establishing friendly relationships. Often a child becomes an outcast.
Experts' opinion
Educators, psychologists and psychotherapists agree that it is not the number of children in a family that determines the personal well-being of each of them, but conscious and mature parenting. An only child will not grow up to be selfish, and in a large family, jealousy and rivalry will not reign only among wise and understanding parents. Those who love their child, but do not put him at the head of the family. Those who respect his needs, but do not run to fulfill his whims at the first request. Those who take care of their baby, but give him the right to “get things done” and gain experience.
Are you very worried about your only child? Stop overprotecting him and give his personality the opportunity to develop harmoniously and freely, while knowing that your child is safe. Download the “Where are my children” application from the AppStore and GooglePlay stores.
Altruism
Altruism
- the exact opposite concept of egoism. Altruism is a concept that implies actions aimed at selfless help and caring for others. Do you want your child to grow up to be a respected, worthy member of society? It is necessary to teach him, first of all, to take into account the opinions of others, to listen to people and help them, to be attentive to them. is not able to do this.
“Do you know that in order to resist the formation of a negative (unnecessary) quality, you need to strive to cultivate the opposite quality?”
So, how to cultivate the altruistic principle in a child?
- Let's start with empathy.
Empathy means the ability to sympathize and empathize with people's experiences. With the help of conversations, examples from life, good old movies and cartoons, you can cultivate empathy in a child. This will be a good prevention of selfishness, will greatly simplify the baby’s future life, and will give a greater chance of success. - We teach that asking for help is not a shame.
Kindness and responsiveness can be taught to a child by explaining that all people can find themselves in a helpless situation. In this case, everyone should be able to come to the rescue. Teach children to be attentive to people, to be imbued with their states.
- Stop being responsible for your child's affairs.
Do you recognize the situation when you wake up your child for school in the morning with great difficulty? Does it happen when schoolchildren demand: “Why didn’t you iron it/sew it/clean it/cook it?” Schoolchildren are a fairly mature people who are quite capable of looking after themselves. Children should have their own responsibilities: wake up on time in the morning and go to school, learn homework, clean up after themselves, . Taking care of little things prevents a child from growing up. Let him have a sense of responsibility. - The benefits of negative experiences.
A child’s negative experience is an effective way to realize how to do the right thing. It is in these cases that he will actually become an adult, and therefore completely independent. - Don't force it.
It is not recommended to force a child to do something he does not like. Let him learn to take responsibility for his decisions. - Help around the house.
A preschooler can already cope with household chores: dust, wash a plate, make the bed. Let him help - this fosters the need to take care of loved ones. - Ask how things are going.
A child who is interested will show the same attention to the people around him. He will not be indifferent to how they feel, what is going on with them, what their successes are. An attentive child is no longer an egoist.
Watch a video with practical advice from a psychologist on how to maintain a balance of love and discipline when parenting
Features of raising one child in a family
When one child grows in a family, parents may face the following difficulties:
Your son or daughter spends a lot of time alone or on gadgets
It is difficult for only children to make new acquaintances due to little experience communicating with peers. Especially if there is an introverted child growing up in the family. He may have serious problems adapting to kindergarten or school. Therefore, it is important for parents not to limit their child’s communication with friends, to invite them to visit more often and to visit acquaintances with small children themselves.
The child has a strong psychological dependence on his parents
Often, only children have a close emotional connection with their parents. Especially in single-parent families, where the mother, after the father leaves, focuses all her attention on raising her son or daughter. As a result, when a child grows up, it can be difficult for him to leave his parents’ family and create his own.
The child gets used to being the center of attention
Being the object of love and care of parents, grandparents and numerous relatives, the child begins to feel like the center of the Universe. And when he gets into a children's group, it is difficult for him to accept that here he will no longer receive constant praise and confirmation of his own importance. Moreover, it turns out that there are children who are much smarter, stronger and more capable than him.
The child thinks only about his own desires, the feelings of his parents are not interesting to him
The family plays an important role in the development of selfish manifestations in a child. Parenting as a “family idol” leads to the development in the child of a consumer position: “everyone owes me.”
And here is an example of how parents’ mistakes in raising their only child can lead to disastrous consequences.
Inna is a late and only child. The girl always had the best toys and the most beautiful clothes, her parents did not deny her anything. At the same time, they were very afraid for the life and health of the girl, realizing that there would be no more children in their family. Inna was protected from long walks, communication and games with “dysfunctional” children, according to her mother. The parents protected the girl from everyday affairs. At school, Inna tried to study well so as not to upset her parents, but not all subjects were given to her. The parents’ long-standing dream was for a doctor to appear in the family, and Inna began to be prepared to enter medical school. The preparation was difficult, the girl often cried, was worried about the exams, and began to have health problems. After graduating from school, it was decided to send Inna to study in another city, since one of the prestigious medical schools was located there. The girl found herself alone in a larger city without the help of her parents. She was unable to make friends, adapt to life in the hostel, or organize the educational process. A month later, her parents had to take Inna back home with a nervous breakdown.
How not to raise an egoist
Don't make a cult of a child. A baby is happiness, but there are other family members who require a caring attitude.
- Teach to share, listen, and have compassion for others.
- Explain the rules of behavior in society and show by example.
- Do something besides the child to reduce the degree of overprotection.
- Praise for real achievements, and not for the fact that he has beautiful eyes.
Demand only what he has been taught. If you don’t know how to fold trousers, first teach them, then demand they do it. And not: “God, how stupid you are!” - and they put it together themselves.
- Ask for whatever help you can.
- Be clear about each family member's responsibilities for running the household.
- Do not neglect children's groups, where the child learns social interaction.
Learn to solve your problems yourself. Discuss possible solutions, give advice, but don’t deal with your classmate Kolya, who secretly copied your homework.
- TATYANA BELOKONSKAYA, especially for the site
What to do if a child grows up selfish?
The concept of children's selfishness
First of all, let's understand the concept of selfishness.
Selfishness is behavior aimed purely at obtaining one's own benefit to the detriment of others. A person’s ego, his own “I,” dictates to him what he needs to do to satisfy his own needs in any way.
Selfishness is implanted in a child in the womb. When a baby is born, it requires increased attention so that the mother can satisfy all his needs: nutrition, safety, communication and others. Selfishness becomes the basis for the survival of the little man.
Therefore, one should distinguish between healthy and unhealthy egoism. The first is aimed at developing personality, ensuring one’s own safety and understanding the world around us. The second implies a consumerist attitude towards people around him, a lack of ability to see the desires and needs of other people.
Children's selfishness is an educational mistake of adults. If a child grows up to be an egoist, it means that his parents (perhaps unconsciously) have assigned him this model of behavior.
Common mistakes of parents of one child - how to avoid them?
Manifestations of children's selfishness and parental mistakes can be different. Here are some of them.
- “My husband and I tried never to burden our daughter with housework. It seemed to us that when she grows up, she herself will try to help us. Now she’s already 15 years old, but she can’t even wipe the dust in her room, she’s still waiting for me to do it for her.”
The first and only child quickly gets used to the fact that parents can do most things for him. From tying your shoelaces to packing your school bag. As a result, when parents decide that their son or daughter is already old enough to do this on their own, the child finds himself in a state of shock and misunderstanding. He really doesn’t understand why he should do what his parents used to do so well.
Solution. Teach your child to do housework from an early age. A three-year-old child is already able to put away his toys and dress himself. Gradually expand the child's responsibilities. Make sure that every child’s work is completed. Be sure to praise him for the work he has done.
- “My son is one and a half years old. He is often capricious, asks to be held, and does not want to fall asleep alone in the crib. I'm afraid he'll grow up to be selfish if I indulge him."
Manifestations of healthy egoism in children under three years of age are completely normal. With its help, the child interacts with the world around him and gives the appropriate reaction. A child may be capricious if he feels discomfort, something hurts, or he lacks communication. Also, the child can sense the tense situation in the family and thus react to it.
- “I accidentally heard my 5-year-old daughter bragging to her friends in kindergarten: “I draw better than everyone else. And I can also climb the highest hill. And I will also have the most beautiful dress at the matinee.” Isn’t such boasting a manifestation of childish egoism?”
In preschool age, children often want to show off their talents and abilities and earn the praise and admiration of others. Parents encourage them in this, telling everyone what a wonderful and capable child they have, how cleverly he does everything. However, often mothers and fathers cannot adequately assess the real achievements of their son or daughter, because their child always seems to be the best and most capable among other children. As a result, the child develops high self-esteem and a lack of criticism of his actions.
Solution. Try to be interested not only in the successes of your own child, but also ask him about friends, acquaintances, classmates. What are they doing, what successes have they achieved? Together with your child, sympathize with a friend who received a bad mark, rejoice for a classmate who took first place at the Olympiad.
You shouldn’t praise your child for everything, although many parents think this is right. He must develop critical thinking both in relation to the actions of others and to his own.
- “My own childhood was bleak: my father drank, my mother barely managed to make ends meet. No delicious food, no expensive toys. Therefore, I did not spare anything for my son, I bought everything he asked for. At the age of 5, he already had his own tablet, a small racing car, and only branded clothes. They sent him to an elite school. And then it began: “Dad, I want, like Vanya, to fly to Paris with my parents for the weekend,” “Dad, I want, like Seryozha’s, a big house with a swimming pool.” Of course, I give a lot to my son, but my possibilities are not unlimited. And he gets offended and starts screaming that he feels bad with us, that we don’t love him. Have I really raised an egoist? I wanted the best, so that he could have everything...”
Parents with good intentions often themselves contribute to the development of selfish manifestations in the child, when he receives everything his heart desires on demand. As they grow up, such children become skilled manipulators and extortionists. Appetites grow, and along with them, the confidence of selfish children grows that everyone around them should satisfy their needs.
If parents do not change their parenting tactics in time, they risk raising a greedy, insensitive consumer who always thinks only about their own benefit.
Advice based on personal parenting experience
Let's return to our heroine Ekaterina and her daughter Masha. Being a busy mother who held leadership positions from the very birth of her child, Ekaterina faced a double task: to combine raising her only child with a career and not to raise her daughter to be an egoist. How did she do it?
“I believe that selfishness in children is the result of our actions and assessments. And if you value their freedom, love, trust, they will grow up to be wonderful people.
The main rules that guided me:
Protect your child in any public situation
There was everything at school, I am a teacher myself, but after college I went into business, I had no parents, and in 1995 it would have been impossible for me to live on a teacher’s salary alone. However, I remember our pedagogy teachers very well; they always said: “the child is the main thing.” I must admit, as a mother, that the modern education system, in my opinion, has forgotten about this.
Give the child freedom
What do I mean by this? If my daughter wanted to go to chess, she went, after a month she realized that she was bored there and went to aircraft modeling. She was involved in tennis, horse riding, jewelry making, graduated from photography school, and shot archery. She really wanted a dog, and in 2009 we gave her a miniature pinscher for her birthday.
I supported her ideas as much as possible. If she wanted to spend the night with a friend, no problem, but I need to know this family and parents. If her friends wanted to spend the night with us, I met their parents. Once she stayed overnight with a friend, but at night at 2 o’clock she woke up and realized that she wanted to go home. No problem, they called me and I picked her up. At home I sang my favorite song and she quickly fell asleep. I sang songs to her until she was 17, even from a business trip by phone, if she needed it.
It is possible to provide a child with freedom and at the same time remain calm about his safety. The “Where are my children” application will allow you to always be aware of where your child is and what he is doing. You can download the application from the AppStore and GooglePlay stores.
Do things together
From an early age, Masha took part in all my business projects. I open a store, she hands out balloons for the opening. We are holding a drawing competition at the enterprise for Children's Day, and she is participating.
Since the age of 13 we have been reading a lot. We choose a book - the first one was “There is an Idea. The history of IKEA", then there were the stories of McDonald's, Starbuck, Four Seasons and many others. We read them aloud before bed: one day she, one day me. And then they discussed the situation. This, in my opinion, is a very useful tool for developing a child’s horizons, creative thinking and analysis.
My daughter started receiving cash in first grade. Until the 7th grade, almost all of it was spent on all sorts of nonsense, from the point of view of any parent, but from the point of view of a child, this is priceless wealth. Understand this and that's it! Then I gave her a book by the German financier Bodo Schaefer, “Money, or the ABC of Money,” to read. The spending spree is over and the hoarding phase has begun.
Today, Masha is a great help to me in my business: she convinced me to run social networks, launch a YouTube channel, shoots videos and edits them. In modern management there is now a trend of lifelong learning - continuous learning, and we, the adult generation, need to constantly learn, and it’s great when our children teach us. I tried! Try it too.
And in conclusion, I would like to add: try to travel once a year to wherever your child, or children, if you have more than one, wants to go. This is a wonderful opportunity to show that his opinion and desires are important to everyone.”
The dire consequences that await
Relationships with others
Egoists are conflicting, touchy people. If they don’t get what they want, they are ready to blame others, point out shortcomings or short-sightedness, point out insensitivity and lack of understanding.
The other feels ridiculous, since the requests and demands of the egoist may run counter to capabilities or common sense. Who would want to listen to accusations from a seemingly sane adult who must solve his own problems?
Personal life
Building long-term relationships with an egoist is problematic, since the partner plays the role of a servant rather than an equal.
Egoists, like capricious children, always demand attention, care and respect for themselves, not realizing that this is not always possible. There is no talk at all about mutual care in such couples, everything is only for the egoist.
Attitude towards yourself
Egoists often have inflated self-esteem; they are confident in their exclusivity and divinity. They expect others to treat them accordingly. Life demonstrates otherwise, therefore, egoists feel like victims of other people and circumstances, whine and hate everyone. And they hardly think about the role they themselves play in the fact that something doesn’t work out.
Selfishness is a lack of responsibility for what happens in life.
The appearance of a second child
Many parents sooner or later decide to have another child in the family.
What needs to be provided:
- calculate your strength correctly. How much time passes between the birth of the first and second child does not matter. The main thing is that you are ready to give your care and attention to two children at once. But doctors still recommend keeping a period of one and a half to two years between pregnancies so that the woman’s body can recover and prepare for the birth of a new life;
- To avoid jealousy and negative attitudes, prepare your first-born in advance for the birth of a brother or sister. Let him participate with you in choosing toys, furniture and accessories for the newborn;
- Explain to your elder the basic rules of behavior with small children. Tell him that at first his brother will neither walk nor talk, but will only lie in his crib. Then he will learn to crawl and make sounds, and soon he will stand on his feet, and you can already play and walk with him;
- if your firstborn wants to help you with your newborn, don’t refuse him. But don’t make him a nanny either. The eldest, like the youngest child, has the right to childhood;
- immediately stop any attempts at jealousy. Tell your children more often that mom and dad love them equally;
- the famous child psychologist, writer, and also a mother of many children, Ekaterina Burmistrova, advises before the birth of her second child to teach her firstborn three necessary skills: to be able to wait, to express one’s desires in words and to feel the emotional state of an adult.
Psychologist's advice
- Your child is an individual with his own abilities, inclinations and talents. Don’t try to “mold” him into a continuation of yourself or realize your unfulfilled dreams of becoming a famous actor, artist, musician, etc. Let your child go his own way.
- “You shall not make for yourself an idol,” says God’s second commandment. Even if this idol is your child, your flesh and blood.
- Don’t try to solve all the problems and difficulties for your child. If you didn’t learn your homework, you got a bad grade, if you didn’t pack your schoolbag the night before, you forgot your textbook, if you didn’t set your alarm in the morning, you were late for school. The child must understand that all his actions or inactions have certain consequences for which only he will have to answer.
- Teach your child to cope with disappointments and failures. There are many of them in life. You can be sad because you received a bad mark or lost in a competition, and next time try to make more efforts to achieve success.
- Develop independence in your child. Entrust him with household chores, taking care of your pet or indoor plants.
- Encourage your child to communicate with peers. Teach him how to make acquaintances and find a friend.
- Develop your child's emotional intelligence. Talk to him about feelings, emotions, experiences.
- Adequately assess the child’s real capabilities. Don't overpraise him, but don't underestimate the success of your son or daughter.
- If you cannot cope with manifestations of selfishness in a child on your own, you should seek help from a psychologist who will give you competent advice on raising a child.
There are many reasons why parents decide to have only one child. However, he can also grow up well-mannered, generous and able to feel the experiences of other people. After all, the main thing for the successful development of a child is not the presence of brothers and sisters, but a calm, friendly environment in the family and wise and loving parents.
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Causes of children's selfishness
- Blind love of parents.
This is the most common problem today. The focus is on the child. All his questions – significant and not so significant – received a positive answer. Such children react to refusal with a scandal, hysteria, screaming, squealing and lying on the floor. - Lack of independence of the child.
If parents do not allow their son or daughter to perform basic actions, this will lead to the sustainable formation of selfishness in their character. Such parents clean up their children’s toys throughout their entire childhood, and the children ignore all their parents’ requests. - Encouraging success.
If you do the math, I’ll buy a chocolate bar. Sound familiar? This is how altruism (the complete opposite of selfishness) is destroyed at the root: the child is unlikely to want to do things in life just like that.
