Why do we burn out at work and what to do about it? Psychologist Maria Danina - about how capitalism and patriarchy lead us to burnout and whether it is possible to cope with it on our own

When they get tired of work, some rush to quit, ruin their careers, others run off on vacation, others take sick leave, others endure until the last minute, fifths... The fifth are the most reasonable: they find a way to help themselves without creating new problems. And they say it's not that difficult.

Self-portrait

Dina Polich. A Renaissance man awakened in the 21st century. I write, translate and draw. In the past - HRM, consulting and media.

I love freedom. And also dogs, travel, old cities and modern architecture. I don’t like evil and stupid people, the State Duma, TV, PR people and stereotypes. Stubborn introvert. I swear by the words “networking”, “Linkedin” and “business processes”.

You're fed up with everything, and it seems like you can't work anymore. You can't, but you have to. This is familiar to everyone - except those who have just found their first job. They still have it ahead of them.

It can be obtained in different ways. There are critical conditions (professional burnout - completely) and radical medications (complete and urgent amputation of oneself from the profession or company). This is well written here and here. But the most common problem still looks different. There are two typical options.

Option one. The scale of the disaster is still not so great: you are already really sick of it, but there is no disgust for the profession yet, you still see yourself in this industry. And maybe even in this very company.

Option two. Maybe you feel bad, and even very bad, but you are still not ready for a radical remedy. And it’s often not so much a matter of fear (although there is that), but rather a matter of normal human responsibility: family, children, loans, a rented apartment or a mortgage - you need a stable income and guarantees... The result is one: you cannot go anywhere. Even if, after professional burnout, you had a professional flood and two professional glaciations.

And how did you come to live like this?

The correct answer is whatever.

• Your responsibilities are boring, but you are capable of more and are generally terribly underestimated (yes, where is my Nobel Prize already?!).
• You hit the company’s career ceiling and think that it’s time to jump from such a height with a parachute (it would be nice with a “golden” one, of course).
• You are tired of your colleagues or management (well, there are such monsters in the world... And, of course, you got them all!).
• You developed a department or project from scratch - and now everything is finally set up. You are as tired as a dog, but the main thing is that now you are bored.
• And a hundred more options.

So what should we do now?

Let’s clarify: what should a responsible person do in difficult life conditions, who just can’t give up everything - no matter what the Red Banner Choir of Psychologists named after Maslow’s pyramid howls?

Freelancing? It is not suitable for everyone: some are not a freelancer at all, while others simply don’t like it, it’s not close, it’s psychologically uncomfortable.

Your own business, entrepreneurship? In our country, this is the lot of a few; it requires a special personality, special motivation and attitude. It is often said that your own business is freedom and independence. This is true. But not for everyone. Most people are more accustomed to hired work, where the responsibility and risks are much lower. In the eyes of many, wage labor is the most traditional value. The remaining possibilities are not so much pleasing with freedom as they are frightening with the unknown or communication with government agencies (and not liking government agencies is another tradition, and its roots are lost in the centuries).

The only solution remains: we must continue to work, force ourselves. This is what they usually do. By the way, sometimes this requires even more fortitude than leaving.

And this is where maximalism fails many - all or nothing! If you have already decided to stay, then you need to endure everything and everything until the last, no matter how bad it is. If you think about it, everything is a little different - and not at all so sad.

Are bad relationships a problem for poor families?

“I just can’t wrap my head around how some people live!” - says my friend Karina. - Well, how is it possible, for example, for a normal person not to talk to his mother for years, to kick his brother out of the apartment, to hide money from his spouse?? Suing over property, waiting for someone's death, not paying child support for your own child, ugh! How can you not help adult children in difficult times?.. As I read on the forums - dear mother, no one owes anything to anyone, people think only about themselves... Where do they come from, like that, huh? In my surroundings there are no such people! Thank God, of course...

... Since childhood, Karina grew up in a very wealthy family. Her dad, a party elite in a small regional town, managed to stay afloat, after the collapse of the Union, went into business, and moved with his family to the capital. Karina and her sister grew up easily, without any problems. No one bothered the girls with household chores - they were carried out by a housekeeper, their mother was cheerful and beautiful, they always spent the summer at sea and went abroad. Karina finished school mediocrely, nevertheless, her dad gracefully pushed her into the chosen university, after which he got her a good job.

At one time, the girl married a promising man from her father’s circle. And not at all out of calculation, as some would like - out of love. Immediately after the wedding, the parents helped the newlyweds buy a large three-ruble ruble in a good area; Karina gave birth to two children one after another and sits at home with them. The husband provides for the family from start to finish. Everything is fine and calm with them, no scandals or quarrels. Karina has simply amazing relationships with her mother-in-law (who ever came up with the idea that you should definitely have conflicts with mothers-in-law, the young daughter-in-law cannot understand), with her parents, with her sister...

Her sister, by the way, is also well-settled in life. She is in no hurry to get married - she travels, works, makes a career. Several years ago, her father bought her a one-room apartment in the capital to start with, but the girl has already turned it into a cozy two-room apartment. The whole family adores Karina’s children, showers them with gifts... If minor problems arise, they are solved easily, without strain. Everyone willingly helps each other - including with money, without any return - their own, what kind of scores can there be!..

- Well, that’s right, why should they swear! - some sigh. - They live in hothouse conditions, there’s just a hint of a problem - they take money and decide everything... There’s nothing to share. We haven’t lived with our parents for a single day, we don’t have debts or loans hanging over our heads, we never had any fear of tomorrow! Five of us also didn’t have to huddle in one room... If I wanted a child, I took it and gave birth, there’s no need to put it off until “when we get back on our feet.” If she didn’t want to, she’ll give birth later, no problem with good medicine... And the children are a joy, there are no thoughts about where to place them so that they can get up to the machine faster and earn a penny... Lucky are those for whom everything is easy thanks to money...

What do you think - in well-off families there really are fewer scandals and negativity between relatives than in families that are forced to count pennies in the supermarket, be burdened with mortgages, work two jobs with small children in their arms, live for years without vacation, make their way in life independently, “from the street”, without dads and connections? Or is it entirely a matter of people, and wealth has nothing to do with it?

Is the warm relationship in Karina’s family still the merit of the family members, or is it more a consequence of the “hothouse conditions” in which they all find themselves? What do you think?

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Let's start sorting

Even if you decide to stay and hold on, this does not mean that you cannot help yourself. And it certainly doesn’t mean that nothing needs to be changed at all . If radical solutions are not suitable (or you simply are not in the mood for them), then you need to find softer options and help yourself a little, gradually.

A simple metaphor: you have a bag and there is a lot of stuff in it. There are useful and necessary things, but there is also garbage, debris, and unusable junk.

You can throw away the whole bag at once, if you don’t mind.

You can obediently drag it on yourself further - along with all the unnecessary junk.

But you can sort out everything that is in it without haste: keep the good things for yourself, and get rid of the unnecessary and damaged ones. And it’s even better to throw it away in several stages, so as not to overstrain yourself on the way to the trash.

We have already found out that we are not ready to give up everything at once. But you can find ten minutes a day for yourself, right? Let's at least start sorting then - your burden will become lighter, and moving on will be easier and more pleasant.

There’s no rush (you were going to wait a long time anyway?) so you can give yourself a whole month to sort. If you get there earlier, that’s good. Finish a little later - no big deal either.

What are we sorting?

We are trying to understand the reasons why you feel bad at work

Write them down. There is no need to grumble that you don’t need to write anything down - and everything is in full view. Now, most likely, you are thinking about troubles, but you need to think about the causes of these troubles. By the way, when we write, we think completely differently. And if your reflection is still rather weak, then speaking verbally will not be easy for you, your thoughts will run wild. Paper disciplines. To make it easier, here are a few questions for you. If you can’t answer right away, then don’t rush, think.

When did it get bad, how did it all start? What or who does it depend on? Can you influence this - or is it external circumstances? If it’s something external, can you adapt to the circumstances or somehow protect yourself from them?

Trying to understand what brings joy

It seems like a nice question, but when they ask about joyful things at work, many people get confused. But write this down anyway.

What do you love most about your job? What do you do best? When do you work with passion and joy? What does it take to have more moments like this? Can you influence this yourself? If not, then why, what does it depend on?

Most of us - and even very smart people - limit ourselves to the “vegetable” reaction: “I feel good,” “I feel bad.” Nobody taught us to be aware of our states, and even when alone with ourselves, we avoid difficult topics and unpleasant thoughts, trying to quickly switch to something. Therefore, we often not only do not understand ourselves, but are even afraid of ourselves. (Suspicious type: just be alone with him and such thoughts will immediately creep into your head... Oh well, I’d better stay away.)

Now it's a matter of specifics

Every day (5-10 minutes will be enough for you) write down:

• what activities and tasks tired you, took a lot of energy or nerves and were unpleasant (think about why);
• which, on the contrary, I liked, pleased and inspired.

Write down the good on one sheet of paper, the bad on another.

One more tip

It's not about sorting anymore. The advice is old and banal, but the main thing is that it works. Find a hobby for yourself. This will give you a break from work even without a vacation. Prerequisite: surfing the Internet, reading your feed on social networks or sitting in front of the TV is not suitable - even if you read good texts and watch good programs. This allows you to occupy your brain and kill time. A hobby is an activity that pleases your soul.

Basic patterns of toxic relationships in marriage

How to understand that your relationship is destructive for you, for your other half, or for both at the same time? See if your marriage resembles one of these models:

• Aggressor and victim
• Rescuer and alcoholic
• "Siamese twins"
• Narcissist and admirer
• Child and parent
• Loneliness together

If you notice something like this in your family, then you have problems.

Let's look at models of destructive relationships in more detail.

Aggressor and Victim

One in the family is the embodiment of perfection itself: he has an ideal character; he always knows how and what to do; he is right in everything and is never wrong in anything. A kind of demigod.

The second is just a “stone” from which the demigod sculptor described above sculpts a “normal” person. “The Stone” is spineless, can’t do anything, constantly makes mistakes, is wrong in everything, does everything wrong, he constantly needs to be taught and mentored.

Naturally, both of these roles exist only in the heads of the spouses. In fact, this is a typical Aggressor-Victim relationship.

The Aggressor humiliates the Victim in every possible way, who does everything “wrong”, and from “noble” motives teaches how to behave, how to do, how to speak, how to think. Thus, the Aggressor develops and roots in the consciousness of the Victim a feeling of his own worthlessness and inferiority.

The relationship between the Aggressor and the Victim develops in a vicious circle:

1. Quiet period. The victim tries to take into account his “mistakes” and do everything as the Aggressor said.
2. Rising tension. The Aggressor becomes increasingly dissatisfied as the Victim begins to do things in his own way.
3. Argument. The Aggressor violently bombards the Victim with claims, the Victim rebels, “shows his teeth.”
4. Reconciliation. The aggressor experiences a feeling of guilt, and may even admit his guilt, but only partially, with a phrase like “Yes, I went too far, but YOU brought me down (brought me down),” again blaming the Victim for the scandal that happened. The victim admits that she was to blame and forgives.

And so on in a spiral. And with each round of the Aggressor’s demands become more and more sophisticated, the calm period becomes shorter and shorter, tension grows faster, quarrels reach the point of assault, and the stage of reconciliation is leveled out.

Why don't they break up?

• The victim at the beginning of the relationship really believes that he is doing something wrong and is sincerely trying to “get better”, hoping to please the Aggressor. Later, the Victim fully admits his inferiority and inferiority: his will is broken, his personality is suppressed, there is no faith in his strength and in himself, the ability to make independent decisions is practically absent - such a person will not leave.
• The Aggressor can leave in one single case - if the Victim, having become a morally and psychologically “vegetable”, stops resisting completely. In this situation, the relationship simply becomes uninteresting for the Aggressor; there is no opportunity to demonstrate their power by suppressing the Victim, who is already completely suppressed.

Important

There is a high probability that the Victim will develop a mental disorder, commit suicide, or find solace in alcohol or drugs.

Rescuer and Alcoholic

One in the family is a chronic alcoholic (usually the husband, but sometimes the wife), who drinks a lot, disappears unknown where, often does not have a permanent job, and if he works part-time, it is only to earn money for the next bottle (or works there, where they immediately pay in “product”).

The second one is the Rescuer, trying with all his might to fight his partner’s addiction, openly or secretly trying to cure him, persuade him to see a doctor, get into coding, and so on.

In the family of the Rescuer and the Alcoholic, it is the CHILDREN who suffer first of all! They are deprived both morally - the Rescuer devotes himself to the problems of the Alcoholic, and not to the problems of children; and financially - an alcoholic not only does not earn money, but also drinks away what others earn.

Why don't they break up?

• The alcoholic is happy with everything. In fact, he is a psychological and material burden for the family, but his loved ones “dance” to his tune, even if he terrorizes them (“what can you take from a drunk, he’s not himself”). He has a place to live that is warm and clean, they prepare food for him, wash his clothes - why leave?
• A rescuer who devotes himself to “treating” a drinking “patient” increases his self-esteem. “Look how I try to make a real person out of a drinking cretin! I’m a good person, I don’t give up, I help!”

In reality, the Rescuer does not want the other half to actually recover from alcoholism: firstly, then there will no longer be a reason to be proud of oneself; secondly, without attempts to “help,” the purpose of life will disappear, since the substitution of concepts has already occurred (own interests have already been replaced by the fight against drunkenness). The rescuer simply does not know how to live if suddenly he no longer has to fight with drink.

Important

Both roles are destructive! An alcoholic deteriorates on his own due to excessive drinking. The rescuer sacrifices his interests, voluntarily giving up happiness and all the blessings of life, devoting himself entirely to trying to cure the patient.

"Siamese twins"

Both partners in such a family are almost identical: the same interests, the same hobbies, the same opinion on any matter; over time, they even think and react to words and events in the same way.

It would seem that an ideal family, there are no quarrels or conflicts, the spouses are always and everywhere together - this is the dream of many couples whose relationships go through “ups” and “downs”. But, alas, this is not so.

At first, complete harmony reigns in the family of “Siamese twins,” literally a utopian idyll. After a while, the spouses lose sexual interest in each other, as their intimate life begins to resemble sex with oneself, and they begin to live like neighbors. Spiritual intimacy also depreciates: at first, the kinship of souls begins to be perceived as something proper and ordinary, becomes a habit, and later completely turns into a formality. Life together becomes unbearably boring.

Mutual dissolution in each other leads to mutual loss of interest. Over time, both partners value each other no more than their home pajamas: comfortable and familiar, no need to study or pay attention, does not evoke any sexual desire or emotions.

Why don't they break up?

• One of the “twins” is terrified of losing the other. This internal subconscious fear is so strong that any appearance of one partner without the other (even if it is a bachelor or bachelorette party) is perceived as a betrayal, an apocalypse and a complete collapse of the relationship. The restriction of freedom in this marriage is quite accurately described by the words from the film “Shirley Myrli”, said by Jean-Paul Nikolaevich Piskunov: “A step to the left, a step to the right is considered an escape. I regard jumping on the spot as an attempt to fly away.”
• The second of the “twins” - see the first “twin”, they are the same.

Important

The complete lack of secrets, personal space and personal life leads to the destruction of both personalities. “Siamese twins” seem to dissolve their personalities into each other: they live as a single organism, and not as full-fledged equal partners.

Narcissist and Admirer

One of the partners is a narcissistic egoist, fixated solely on himself, unable to love and appreciate anyone but himself. This is a Narcissist, for whom the worst thing is to be insufficiently beautiful (insolvent, funny), so he really needs to be constantly praised and admired.

The second partner, the Fan, is a weak, complex, suspicious person. He believes that he is unworthy of his “beautiful” other half, but is proud that he is next to the “delightful ideal.”

Narcissists are not looking for a partner for a relationship, but a “mirror” , and not a simple one, but a crooked one, and even a magnifying one, so that it “reflects” exclusively their advantages, and raises them to the power of N, constantly praising and admiring them.

A fan for Narcissus is like a magic mirror from a fairy tale:

“My light, mirror! tell me, and report the whole truth: Am I the sweetest in the world, the most ruddy and whitest of all?” And the mirror answered her: “You, of course, no doubt; You, queen, are the sweetest of all, the most rosy and white of all.”

In addition to the functions of a magic mirror, the Admirer also takes on the functions of servicing Narcissus : he deals with all everyday issues, provides financially, and surrounds him with attention and care. The narcissist takes it for granted, does not appreciate it, does not consider it necessary to thank him - the Fan is satisfied with the happiness that he was allowed to be there.

An example of a classic Narcissist wife: the husband provides, hires a housekeeper, gives gifts, takes him on vacation; she was “born for love”, perceives everything as the only normal course of things - “A husband is obliged to take care of his wife, otherwise why get married at all?”

An example of a classic Narcissist husband: the wife does all the housework herself, takes care of the children herself, works; the husband, at best, only works, the rest of the time he lies on the sofa and lives for his own pleasure - “I could have married anyone, I should be grateful that I married her, otherwise I would have remained an old maid.”

Why don't they break up?

• Narcissus is happy with everything. But if the Admirer stops admiring or properly caring, he will leave to look for a new, more effective “reflector”.
• The admirer is initially a weak person, unable to act decisively.

Important

In this marriage, the personality of the Admirer is completely erased: he considers himself nothing without Narcissus, completely loses his already weak self-esteem, and turns into a pale shadow of the object of his adoration.

Child and Parent

One of the partners (Child) is an infantile person who enters into a relationship so that the partner can replace his mother (father). Such people need someone to take care of them; marriage for them is a change of guardian: there were parents, now there is a wife (husband).

The second partner (Parent) realizes his own sense of importance in the relationship: he needs to feel significant, in demand, and needed. Such people perceive their partner as a creature unadapted to independent existence, who will not survive without the care and protection of a mentor.

Relationships in the family of the Child and the Parent are constantly tense : the Child behaves like a teenager, constantly tries to break out of control, rebels; The parent complains that he has to do everything himself and does not find support and help in his partner.

Why don't they break up?

• The child is afraid to live independently, afraid of the big world outside the family, afraid of being left without the protection of an “adult”, since he really considers himself helpless.
• The parent does not want to lose his “need”; if the child leaves, no one will need him, he will lose his sense of self-importance.

Important

In such a marriage, the Child’s personality is leveled: first, infantilism is aggravated to the limit, then the person actually becomes helpless, loses self-awareness and the ability to live independently.

And more specifically? I'm sick of everything

Now more specific. The picture will begin to emerge within a week. But after about a month it will become completely clear to you - especially when you sit over the sheets of paper with your notes. By this time, you will not only find the reasons for your work troubles and joys (or understand them more deeply than before), but you will also get used to thinking about yourself . And this will give the first results: it will become clear to you what needs to be done next .

This will no longer be a hasty, but a balanced and deliberate decision. And it will come by itself, because you thought about yourself a little every day. Looking at the sheet, they compared the pros and cons (knowing about them and seeing them written on paper is not the same thing).

In a month, you will have time to think through everything (and even several options for action) thoroughly. The solution can be as soft and gradual as you need and in your situation - no one knows this better than you anyway. And no radicalism, complete severance of connections and going nowhere - well, unless you really want it.

For example, the unpleasant things became much more unpleasant for you than the joyful ones, and you realized that it was still better to change jobs. But you still can’t do this now (state why). Then set a deadline for actually doing this, and write down what you need for this. (Maybe you're just waiting to pay the annual premium and then it's easy, or maybe you need to do some training first). Do what you need to do slowly, step by step.

By the way, looking for a new job when you are full of energy and when you need to rest (but you also need work!) are two completely different tasks, and they also need to be solved differently. If you are tired of difficult tasks, you should not immediately get involved in a very complex and large-scale new project, choose something calmer and simpler (could the salary be slightly lower? How much lower are you ready for?). If you had problems with colleagues, then before accepting a new job, Google what employees are saying about the new employer. Find out how they work there so as not to end up in another shithole.

But this is an extreme case. Most likely, you can get by with less serious changes: agree on a change in functionality, convince your manager that you need an assistant, stop getting involved in office squabbles, go on vacation - you never know what else.

How to solve a problem in a relationship with your wife?

Hello Andrei!

The situation you are writing about does not seem to be new. Such problems are experienced by, if not all, then most people. However, there is still no simple and clear answer or solution. And, probably, a formula that allows solving such problems with mathematical accuracy will never appear. Because this sphere is very vast and finely structured. This is due to the fact that each person is unique in his own way. And, therefore, his relationship is influenced by many factors, both external and internal.

The complexity of the organization of a person’s inner world allows us to compare it with a so-called “black box”. We know the information that is included in it and the information that we see at the output in the form of responses. What happens inside is unknown. Therefore, we can only make assumptions that may or may not be true, with a certain degree of probability. In this regard, much in a relationship depends on how much people trust and value each other. How attentive and tolerant they are to each other.

Now, understanding the complexity of the problem you raised, let's try to understand it.

I, unlike you, cannot see the whole situation. I can only rely on your words and your description of the situation. Therefore, my answer will be based more on the impressions that your words made on me than on an objective picture of what is happening. Therefore, you must understand that you yourself will have to find a way out. I can only help you draw your attention to some things.

You write that you have been married for seven years. And that the problems started about two years ago. Remember how you met your wife. How the relationship developed. What led you to the decision to get married? What qualities do you think were attractive to your future wife? Remember how you felt at the beginning of your relationship. What did you do to please your wife and attract her attention?

Take this excursion into the past in your memory. Try to remember and re-experience the key moments in your relationship. Moments in which you both were at the “peak of happiness.” How did you feel, what was the situation like? Take your time. Think about it, let it take some time. Conduct such an internal “audit” of your relationship.

When you jog your memory, compare the past with the present. Ask yourself what you think is missing from what was. After experiencing these happy moments again, talk about it with your wife. Talk about your past and current relationships in a relaxed atmosphere. To do this, try visiting places you loved to visit with your wife.

If you manage to revive these feelings in yourself, perhaps this will allow you to look at your current relationship with fresh eyes and find a way out of this situation. But of course, you must do this unobtrusively. Your wife must want positive changes herself. Try changing the approach to your relationship. Learn to be more attentive to her. Learn to listen to her. Change your tactics from command-demanding to seductively romantic. Women are more delicate. They prefer resourcefulness to brute force in men. They love to be surprised (in a good way). They love it when men do things. A sense of humor is highly valued - it helps to relax and relieve tension. Which is also important in order to win a woman over. Women rarely talk directly about what they don't like in a relationship. Learn to catch it. Try to shift the focus of attention from your desires to hers. Add emotion to your relationship. It is sometimes important for a woman not only the offer to have sex, but also how it is done. Try to combine your sexual desire with feeling, persistence with tenderness. Then, perhaps, the “casket” will open.

In a word, try to refresh your relationship. If you really want to win back her love, you will have to make some efforts for this. And these efforts, as you already understood, should be aimed mainly at working on yourself.

The two of you can also visit specialists in the field of family relations in person in your city.

I sincerely wish you patience, tact and ingenuity in this difficult matter!

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