This article is about how to get rid of perfectionism and start living more freely, without criticizing or making excessive demands on yourself and others. Perfectionism is the desire to do it perfectly, accompanied by strong stress because in fact it is impossible to do it perfectly: there will always be someone who does it better, and there will always be something to find fault with. The main problem of a perfectionist is that he concentrates on mistakes and flaws, literally looking for them. And whoever seeks, as we know, will always find.
How to stop paying special attention to shortcomings, color your black and white thinking and learn to see that the world is not vertical, but multifaceted. How to accept the fact that others have the right to take first place, that it should not always go to you, how to give others space to be the best, and learn to be happy for them. How to see that the same person cannot be ideal in all areas, how to get rid of perfectionism - this is what my article is about today. After reading it and applying the methods I suggested, you will be able to smooth out the rough edges of your thinking and begin to take steps where you hesitate, accept yourself and be able to allow yourself to be who you are.
In childhood, a child, achieving certain results, bringing his parent a drawing or an A, expected praise or counted on praise, a high rating, but did not receive what he wanted. The parent was always dissatisfied, it was impossible to surprise him with the result, he said: “You’re doing great, but...”. This could be conveyed directly, in words or actions, or his internal message, emotions spoke about it.
It is also important what the parent’s behavior was in relation to himself and his life - did he take steps outside the comfort zone, did he go towards what he wanted, did he admit his mistakes along the way, how did he feel about these mistakes, did he envy those who who turned out better, whether he recognized the right of others to surpass him in something. After all, the child looks at the parent and reads as it should, absorbs and listens, learns from his example.
So, the child did not receive praise, or he was compared with others, or attention was focused on his mistakes and failures, he was criticized, and his achievements were not noticed. Such a child experiences frustration—disappointment from not getting what he wants. Due to the fact that the parent always had a “but” and never fully recognized the child’s success, he understands that no matter what he does, he will never get one hundred percent results. The parent was always dissatisfied, and as such a person grows up, he never becomes satisfied with himself.
Eternal frustration and dissatisfaction with the result lead to the inability to do anything, to the fact that a person is afraid to even start and begins to accumulate things. Over time, a bunch of unfinished tasks accumulate, which hang in his head as something that “needs to be done when...” I lose weight / get married / get divorced / learn a language / close a loan / prepare better / from Monday / when there is more money (underline what you need) ).
An open gestalt always strives for its completion, and therefore any started task or task that you madly want to complete, but do not complete, generates anger at yourself. And then - longing for the life that a person could live if he did. Melancholy, in turn, causes anxiety, which can develop into a phobia or anxiety-depressive disorder.
How to get out of this vicious circle, how to get rid of perfectionism and start living and doing freely, monotonously walking towards success and being calm about your own failures along the way? I present to you five steps leading to increased self-esteem and getting rid of perfectionism:
How does perfectionism reduce productivity?
It would seem that people who strive to do everything perfectly should be more successful in work and life. But in practice, it is perfectionists who are the most inveterate procrastinators and “lazy people.” Why is this happening? Let's figure it out:
Perfectionists waste a lot of time making little things perfect.
“The main attention is to the main things” - all self-development systems bequeath to us. But a perfectionist is not able to ignore the little things and devotes the same amount of time and attention to everything he takes on, in a vain attempt to bring every little thing to perfection.
People with perfectionist syndrome tend to procrastinate
Since you want to do everything perfectly, it is much more difficult to take on. The burden of responsibility for the quality of execution is so pressing that it is easier to postpone execution until later. It is perfectionists who push things forward because “I’m not in the right mood” or “I’m tired” or “now it won’t work out as perfectly as I can do when I’m feeling good.”
This may sound paradoxical, but it is perfectionists who have the biggest mess at home, because it takes ten times longer to create perfect cleanliness than normal order. Knowing how difficult it is to do such cleaning, people prone to perfectionism prefer not to undertake it at all.
They miss chances
The dynamic world dictates its own rules that run counter to the desire to do everything perfectly. Nowadays, “half-baked” products and projects are launched onto the market, which are completed on the fly with the help of feedback and ultimately take off. Perfectionists can't do that. While they are trying to create the perfect product, other people are making fortunes with crude but relevant ideas.
While others try and learn from mistakes, perfectionists stand still
Learning on the job is another effective way to develop in modern realities, and it is one that is not available to perfectionists. They prefer not to take on anything they don’t know how to do, or to give up learning after the first attempts, experiencing acute dissatisfaction with the results of their experiments.
“If you can’t do it perfectly, don’t do it at all”
A commandment that has ruined many ideas and projects. When a normal person has a revolutionary idea, but does not have the skills to implement it, this does not stop him, he learns and does it. A perfectionist, with a high degree of probability, will not do anything at all, because he knows that it will not work out perfectly.
Too much energy is spent on self-flagellation and guilt
Mental energy is the same exhaustible resource as time or money. You can use it to get inspired and do something cool, or you can use it to beat yourself up and feel guilty for not performing your duties perfectly. Only you can decide what to spend your own energy on.
There is no perfection in the world: how to deal with perfectionism
Striving for perfection is not always good. Sometimes it makes us criticize ourselves and think that everyone around us is judging us. T&P publishes a translation of an article by University of Massachusetts Amherst professor Susan Krauss Whitburn, who talks about the types of perfectionism and the rules for combating it.
There is nothing wrong with striving for perfection.
However, if you almost never feel satisfied with the results of your work, you are probably a perfectionist. One of the problems with this personality trait is that through the prism of striving for perfection, everything looks different from what it really is. As a result, instead of pleasant memories, you get anxiety and worry about little things. Proponents of the “do it yourself” strategy are sometimes faced with the need to achieve their goals only to recount their own mistakes over and over again. Often no one else sees them, so that strict analysis turns out to be just a sterile reflection of perfectionism. Is it worth throwing the work in the trash in this case? Do I need to redo it, spending an extra day or an extra week correcting errors? Or is it better to just shrug, assume no one noticed, and file the shortcomings in the experience section, which will hopefully serve another time?
The habit of looking for the ideal in everything is much more widespread than it might seem. Scientists believe that it is perfectionism that often causes the onset or deepening of depression. According to Vera Beke, head of the research group at McGill University in Canada, the “diathesis-stress model” of perfectionism suggests that “everyday stress (such as failure) is more likely to result in depression for people with increased vulnerability to the search for an ideal.” In other words, when you are constantly looking for flaws, it affects your mood and it can end in a depressive episode.
Is it possible to reduce your tendency towards perfectionism? Before answering this question, we need to understand what kind of perfectionists there are. Beke and her co-authors note that such people are divided into two types: “with a desire for an ideal according to personal criteria” (Personal Standards - PS) and “self-critical” (Self-Critical - SC).
© Katerina Kamprani
PS perfectionists have their own system of criteria that allows them to evaluate the degree of perfection. They set high standards for themselves and use realistic methods tailored to the task at hand. People with this type of character derive their feelings of guilt from an inner voice that speaks of failure and makes them think that others are always looking at them with partiality and hostility.
SC perfectionists experience stress due to a maladaptive defense mechanism known as avoidance. They believe that they cannot achieve perfection, and that is why they do not get down to business at all. This is why—even though both PS and SC types are at risk—self-critical perfectionists are more likely to show signs of depression. The feeling of hopelessness they face becomes an obstacle that can be difficult to overcome.
According to Beke, perfectionism is often rooted in deep internalization of high parental standards and criticism. It can make people feel as early as childhood that they will never be good enough. At the same time, scientists have found that, whatever the cause of perfectionism, it increases the risk of developing depression against the backdrop of a certain type of stress - the psychological pressure of the need to achieve set goals.
For more than a year, specialists observed a group of 47 people who were treated for depression on an outpatient basis. They conducted tests before starting therapy, six months later, and a year after it started. On average, each study participant completed 15 psychotherapy sessions. The questions in the tests were compiled on the basis of a special scale of “almost complete achievement of the ideal,” a list of clinical manifestations of depression and a tendency toward perfectionism, and a scale for assessing the level of anxiety and conscientiousness. Participants who took more than a year to complete treatment also completed a series of individual interviews.
Scientists wanted to find out how strongly conventional therapy affects the condition of people prone to perfectionism, especially against the backdrop of achievement stress. They concluded that perfectionists responded to treatment worse than other patients. However, the therapy had less of an effect on the mood of SC patients when they encountered stress in relationships with other people. Anxiety and the tendency to be overly conscientious, as opposed to perfectionism, did not affect treatment.
If perfectionism interferes so much with the treatment of depression, I would like to ask: how can I reduce my tendency to search for an ideal and self-criticism?
Ask yourself where the desire to be perfect comes from. Have you ever felt vulnerable to parents, teachers, or other adults who held you to their unrealistic standards? Maybe in response to all your efforts, you only heard criticism and internalized someone else’s voice, looking for mistakes in your actions? Knowing that perfectionism stems from childhood upbringing can often help you find an adult way to loosen its grip.
If you are experiencing stress, acknowledge it and identify its origin. The point is that achievement stress is not the same as interpersonal stress, and the habit of distinguishing one from the other is an important step towards working on your perfectionistic expectations. SC people are particularly affected by relationship stress, causing them to feel like everyone is looking down on them. To cope with it, you can ask your loved ones for help: let them tell you how they really feel about your actions and what others see from the outside.
Challenge your dysfunctional beliefs. Do-it-yourselfers are prone to needlessly tormenting themselves over small mistakes, while perfectionists sometimes expect everything they do to be exemplary. Give yourself permission to make mistakes from time to time and don't feel like everyone around you is just waiting for you to make a mistake.
Make mistakes on purpose from time to time. Observations show that high-performing students are less likely to take risks as they approach graduation. As a result, they miss out on useful courses simply out of fear of losing their high status. But students with worse grades worry less and, as a result, earn more. If you give yourself permission to make a mistake, take a moment to come to terms with the fact that it exists. Don't think about what you did wrong - think about what you did right, and as a result the mistake will not be so important.
Signs that perfectionism is ruining your life
Of course, there are different stages of perfectionism, and to one degree or another this phenomenon is characteristic of many of us. Most of the time when we hear this word, we are talking about mild or moderate perfectionism, and not about a pathological condition that requires intervention.
The problem is that it’s almost impossible to determine the degree of your perfectionism on your own, but let’s look together at the symptoms that can hinder your development. If most of them apply to you, this is a reason to start fighting perfectionism.
You constantly feel like you haven't done everything well enough
The biggest problem of inveterate perfectionists is the painful desire for perfection. And perfection, as we know, does not exist. Yes, you can make your bed perfectly, without a single wrinkle, lay out the pillows on a ruler and be satisfied, but it is impossible to paint a perfect picture or novel. And the disappointment from the abyss that lies between your work and how you imagine the ideal can be so great that you quit altogether.
Your self-esteem is rapidly creeping down
Constant dissatisfaction with the results of your work makes you dwell on failures and reduces self-esteem. And it consumes energy resources, as we have already discussed above.
You feel guilty even about little things
Normal people do not pay attention to minor shortcomings in their work, but perfectionists are tormented by pangs of conscience even for tiny shortcomings. And the feeling of guilt, meanwhile, is one of the most destructive - what kind of harmony and self-development can we talk about if you are haunted by the feeling that you are constantly making mistakes and doing everything very badly?
You are not good at drafting and are making slow progress in your work.
A perfectionist tries to do everything perfectly, which completely excludes the possibility of rough work, which is necessary in many areas. If you're planning to write a novel, but you can't get past the first paragraph because you're constantly rewriting it in an attempt to achieve the ideal, then this point is for you.
Criticism is killing you
Perfectionists are very sensitive to criticism. And it's terrible. As if you lack your own remorse and the feeling that you are mediocrity. So if you have a perfectionist close to you, then remember: everything that you want to say to him that is critical, he has already said to himself in the worst form.
Imperfect drives you crazy
Have you seen these collections on sites in the “perfectionist’s nightmare” style? This is funny to some, but for people with moderate to severe perfectionism it can cause real discomfort. Have you ever met a person who, cursing, starts arranging jars on the shelves in a store, turning all the labels straight forward, or hanging clothes by color and size? Some people really can't get past such things and even sacrifice their own affairs.
How to stop being a perfectionist at work
Often, perfectionism helps a lot in work, but more often, the desire for ideals has a negative impact on this area of business life. If you are an idealistic boss, it will be very difficult for your team to please you. Subordinates are under constant stress and will very soon begin to look for another area of employment, if they are not already doing so. If you are an ordinary employee, then your bosses are most often dissatisfied with the efficiency and pace of your work. You constantly submit assignments at the very last moment or miss all deadlines. If it is still difficult for you to stop and stop improving everything, then think about the fact that work submitted at the wrong time can no longer be perfect.
Tips for getting rid of perfectionism in the workplace echo the recommendations already given above. Try to be lenient with mistakes and shortcomings, try not to get hung up on the result, because then you will start thinking like an idealist again, but do only what is required at a particular moment.
How to get rid of perfectionism?
If perfectionism seriously interferes with your life, you should seek help from a professional who can assess your condition, find the roots of the problem and tell you in detail how to deal with it specifically in your case. If you are not that maniac from the store and can, if you wish, walk past a shelf with poorly arranged goods, try to fight on your own. Here are some simple recommendations:
Clear schedule
Make yourself a strict to-do list that needs to be completed in a day, so as not to devote the entire day to the perfect layout of a report that no one will even notice. Move quickly from one task to another. Often perfectionism is caused by the fact that we don’t want to take on a new/difficult/frightening task, so we perfect the previous one.
Timer operation
A timer is an excellent control method. Turn on, for example, Pomodoro for 25 minutes - during this period you should have time to write a draft report. The next “pomodoro” is editing. Do you think you will have time to make everything seem perfect if you are controlled by a timer?
Imperfection training
A simple but effective exercise is to accustom yourself to imperfection. You can start with the little things: put the diary crookedly on the table, mix the books in the library so that they are not in alphabetical order/color/size. Give yourself permission to write an imperfect story or cook imperfect pasta.
Changing perspective
Find beauty in the absence of perfection. Work on your attitude step by step, because perfection is only in your head. Force yourself to understand that everything alive and interesting is far from ideal, and “ideal” people generally infuriate, no one would empathize with such a hero.
Perfect execution – only for important matters
Here's a final refreshing thought for you: do things as well as they deserve. The ability to prioritize tasks is one of the first rules of time management, and you can greatly improve your efficiency if you stop perfecting unnecessary little things and direct your energy to important things.
The main thing is to remember that being a perfectionist is not an honorary title, and perfectionism itself is the main enemy of productivity, not its helper. Learn to tame this feeling and use it to your advantage. There is nothing wrong with trying to do the best you can with your favorite and important task, but you shouldn’t waste time arranging socks by shade.
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An ideal home and the desire for cleanliness, it would seem, should be commendable. However, using the Clean Obsessed program as an example, we can all see what this is becoming. Participants clean from 6 to 10 hours a day. This activity takes up all their time. As a result, there is simply no time left for anything else. But even if you are far from these numbers, you may suffer greatly from the fact that your home is not as clean and comfortable as you would like. And the explanation for this is simple - this is a house, not a museum. People live here, not just come here to see interior design. How to get rid of perfectionism in household chores?
