Fairy-tale romance, passionate declarations of love and vows to live happily ever after and die on the same day... Everything is wonderful, but is your soul uneasy?
He was already in your apartment, but his identity is unknown to you, and only you consistently pay the bills? Coincidence or secret intent?
Be carefull! This could be a gigolo man, how can you recognize him at an early stage of a relationship and not fall for his “bait”?
What a prejudice that no one can love a successful woman. What about gigolos?!
A short historical excursion
Women's emancipation also aggravated the situation.
We so wanted to become independent and equal to men that we achieved our goal... This phenomenon gave a strong impetus to the widespread infantilization of heroes and knights, many of whom initially resisted, and then decided that it was even more convenient. This gave birth to a new class of men - Alfons. Who is gigolo? This is a man who receives benefits from a woman (usually material) by establishing emotional and physical contact with her. However, it would not be entirely fair to assume that they appeared only in the 20th century.
The very concept of “alphonse” appeared in our country thanks to Alexandre Dumas the son, who in 1873 wrote the comedy novel “Monsieur Alphonse”. The book tells the story of a man who lived on the support of a woman of easy virtue.
Thus, there were men eager to live off the fair sex in the 19th century and much earlier.
Alphonse is an impudent rude man
These types of gigolos include young, assertive, handsome stallions from the periphery, who have nothing but charm and primitive masculine strength.
Such a gigolo cannot be called a “sticky fish”, he is a real predator who, having appeared on your territory, will immediately begin to mark it - after the first night, his toothbrush will already be in the glass, and your things will be saturated with the aggressive smell of his eau de toilette.
Very often, he himself earns good money, but prefers not to fork out much on joint purchases (“I’m saving up for an apartment for us, baby”).
Women are thrilled by such frankness, and he condescendingly “allows” him to pay for his car repairs or telephone bills.
With this subspecies of gigolo, you need to keep your eyes open: for his own benefit, he may even marry you, at the same time, skillfully leading you to the idea of registering him in the apartment or recording him in the car’s passport as a co-owner.
We all come from childhood
There is another reason for the appearance of gigolos.
A woman who has complaints against a man due to his insolvency and immaturity should carefully look at who she is raising her son to be. Who is gigolo? This is a man who is unable to take responsibility for his life and the lives of other people (family members) - victims of strong and domineering mothers who decide everything all the time, or who coddle excessively with their sons, not being able to accept the fact of his inherent masculinity.
Alphonse is a careerist
Varieties of gigolos You probably have flocks of similar cynical, purposeful young men scurrying around your office, who dream of taking over the whole world. Money is not a goal for him, but a way to raise his social status.
They look for women who have established their careers and firmly “glue” to them, seducing them with flowers, compliments and gifts (cheap figurines decorating the desktop).
In return, the melting businesswoman promotes the young man up the career ladder. At the slightest hint of your shaky position in the company, the careerist gigolo will calmly begin to develop a new “business plan”, in which there is no place for you.
Signs of a gigolo
Understanding the reasons for the appearance of this type of man certainly helps to empathize.
But it is in our interests, first of all, to save our own hearts and wallets. It is unlikely that this mysterious guy will directly tell you about his intentions. Vigilance and knowledge of the behavioral characteristics of “weakened” representatives of the stronger sex will help to detect a lie. Male gigolo - how to recognize?
Complete absence or minimal investment in a woman while actively consuming her resources
This is the first and main sign of gigolo and it can manifest itself in various ways.
These could be direct requests to give money free of charge or on credit, or (oh horror!) to take out a loan for him, which, at the same time, he does not repay. Alphonse can live in a woman’s apartment without investing anything in it, empty her refrigerator without participating in its replenishment, drive her car, take advantage of his victim’s connections. In the latter case, there may be an obsessive interest in the woman’s affairs, work and social circle, persistent requests to meet someone of interest to him.
Disarming attentiveness and courtesy
Perhaps you will feel that this is the very man you have always dreamed of, that you have literally “waited for Him.”
How do gigolos behave? These men are gentle and romantic, extremely enterprising and original, they will try to predict your desires, well, more precisely, those that do not require financial investments. This is the very sign that prevents a woman from determining the true face of her new acquaintance, because he will use all his abilities and skills (body language, the basics of female psychology, maybe even NLP methods) to make you “peck.” And a woman in love is an unarmed woman.
Lack of interest in your problems
Or escape if they arise. At a minimum, you will not wait for his active participation in resolving your troubles. The maximum is a verbal expression of sympathy. But, more often than not, if his victim has problems of a financial nature, the man quickly disappears.
Sudden misfortunes and troubles
But this hero-lover may well experience unforeseen circumstances in the form of bankruptcy, robberies, or loss of a wallet immediately after the end of the short “candy and bouquet” period. And he will not be at all embarrassed to come to you for help. If a woman falls for these tearful requests, this meeting, to her great surprise, may be her last.
Lack of a holistic picture of his personality and life
He asks you a lot about your life (sometimes with passion) and listens with interest. But when it comes to his own, he gets by with a few phrases and quickly changes the topic. Therefore, many victims of gigolos are surprised to discover that, having told all the ins and outs about themselves, they know practically nothing about their “dear friend.”
“My husband is a gigolo”
6
By chance, or rather by the state, which stopped paying teachers a decent salary, during perestroika, in addition to sowing the “good, reasonable, eternal”, I was forced to engage in so-called business. Then one could observe hordes of females rushing in the same way to stop a galloping horse. Of course, it was possible to entrust this to their husbands. Maybe some of them even stretched out their calloused hands timidly, but it was the women who held the horses by the bridle.
And entire clans of uninitiative parasites were formed from men, who mercifully allowed their wives, mothers and sisters to pull the locomotive called “family”. In fact, these characters are called gigolos, of which there are several types. The first one is nascent. Often this is the only son of middle-aged parents or “mamsik”, raised by his mother and grandmother. It’s not difficult to recognize, but my friend was confused. She realized too late that she did not choose her husband herself. His future mother-in-law was looking for a wife for him. She took everything into account: her daughter-in-law’s appearance, her material wealth, and, most importantly, her ability to work. Oleg was completely uninitiated and stood at the stock exchange in the hope that they would find something for him. An interesting conversationalist, he could talk for hours on the topic “Money is vanity,” and he loved his sofa more than his wife and son. In response to a delicate proposal to take out the trash can or nail a hanger, he put on the face of a martyr and went to his mother to share his experiences. A friend barely got rid of her husband, and even then she will now have to share the apartment left to her by her parents. You can beat Alphonse, drown him, strangle him, put him in a microwave oven, he won’t change. The second type, the suction type, is especially persistent. Successful Tatiana, divorced and with a child, was courted by Victor for a long time. If she had been more attentive from the very beginning, she would have been wary of his narcissism and the fact that it was she who invariably invited him to dinner. Victor took care of himself for granted; he clearly formed the image of a woman working hard for his needs: this was how it was in his parents’ family. Tatyana did not immediately understand that when she gave, she received nothing in return. And the new husband’s salary turned out to be such that it was impossible to see under a microscope. Sometimes Tatyana opens her mouth and loudly says what she thinks about all this. Victor gets offended and lies down with his face to the wall. For several years, the woman has been trying to get rid of the sucking type, so far without success. Expelled, he invariably returns, like an airplane to his native airfield. With a big smile on your face, gentle words, but empty hands. As always. The third type is militant. He is sincerely convinced that with his presence in his wife’s living space, he makes her immensely happy. The answer to her timid attempts to restore justice is always ready: if you don’t like it, let’s get a divorce. Perhaps, deep down in his soul, a worm of fear is gnawing at him, what if she agrees. A friend says: the husband refuses an additional opportunity to earn money, but is extremely dissatisfied if the wife does not take advantage of this chance. She is a teacher and, in addition to her main job, is a tutor. My husband, while at home, is looking for the meaning of life, sometimes with the help of vodka. There are probably a fourth and a fifth species. All gigolos have one thing in common - self-esteem. Such people will be mortally offended if you explain who they really are. The character is sincerely convinced: a woman should work as much as possible, otherwise she will have unnecessary thoughts. Such, for example, as resentment at the lack of attention or the desire for him to finally change the gasket in the tap or, what good, help in the garden. The gigolos genuinely admire the wives of their friends, who work tirelessly. Olga RYABOVA.
Psychologist's opinion Alphonse is a man who lives at the expense of a woman, a man with enormous needs who loves only himself. And now there are not just many of them, but very many. Boys choose girls who are richer dressed and who have wealthy parents. There are many who look for older women and live at their expense. A couch potato husband who loves to dress well and eat delicious food and doesn’t particularly bother himself can also be called a gigolo. The mentality of Russians has changed. It has always been the case that a man is the breadwinner, he must build a house, plant a tree, raise a son. And although in Soviet times the husband did little around the house, he fulfilled his task of bringing money to the family. Now we have taken the western path. Everyone wants to be rich, but at the same time they are afraid of hard work. It became a shame to be just a worker. And why work if you can arrange your life next to a successful active woman? Life itself sets people up for consumerism. Education also plays a role. Alfons come from those families where there is a division of responsibilities into male and female (it is not a man’s job to wash floors and dishes!), where the mother is in charge. She manages dad, money - everything. He doesn’t trust his son with anything: neither to wash his socks, nor to hammer a nail - he’s still small. A man gets used to living on everything he has ready, at the expense of a woman. Alphonse is indeed very difficult to re-educate. Therefore, I advise those who are just getting married to take a closer look at the chosen one’s family. There would be no need to take over the baton from the future mother-in-law and play the role of a caring mother. Those who have recently started a family and hear from their husband “give, give, give,” should not cherish the hope that he will soon say “na, na, na.” Don't make scandals. For someone like this, it is easier to get a divorce than to change. And he will get divorced and go to his mother. Or he will find another one like him, who, however, will not swear. What to do? Be patient and adapt. Try to be cunning: “Darling, I don’t have money, and today we’ll sit on potatoes.” Come up with a joint activity: “Darling, help me.” Don’t send him to the North for a long ruble, start small, teach him to do at least his homework first. Gradually help him understand that he can make money himself. Irina KOBIUK, medical psychologist.
We expose and get rid of the gigolo
Have you found similarities between the description of this kind of hero-lovers and the behavior of your partner?
The correct solution in this situation would be to run without looking back. But it's not always easy. How to behave with such a person? How to get rid of gigolo? A man of this type will disappear from your field of vision if you use one of the following methods:
- Sensing a catch, ask a few direct questions “head-on” regarding his life, financial and social situation in society.
This time, don't accept long-winded answers and ask for specifics. Ask about his past and present work, about his housing, relationships with women and friends. If you have already been close, you have the right to get answers to these questions. If not, but you suspect him to be a gigolo, the reaction to the questions can expose the scammer and help preserve your peace of mind. - The most effective method of getting rid of a gigolo, also known as a test for a man, is an announcement that you are having serious financial difficulties, for example, it could be layoffs at work, bankruptcy, or a fictitious arrival of relatives who will supposedly live in your apartment.
If a man’s attitude towards you is serious, he will use all his strength and capabilities to resolve your difficulties, but if he is a gigolo, he will lose all interest and go in search of a new victim. - If you live together, openly voice your intention to split bills and current expenses.
Stop paying for it in public places. In the same way, you can correctly refuse his request, for example, to introduce him to the person he needs. A decent man will understand you, even if he is somewhat upset by the refusal and this will not affect the further development of the relationship. For the gigolo, this will be a sign of your unsuitability for further “cooperation”; he may even get angry in response, but soon, nevertheless, he will isolate himself.
Why do people grow up to be gigolos?
A boy who grows up with an overbearing mother can become an Alphonse
- From childhood, a boy gets used to the fact that a woman can be more authoritative than a man if he has a powerful mother.
- A child who grows up with overprotection will become irresponsible and cowardly. And these qualities will stimulate an adult man to have dependent needs.
- The child is pampered and given everything he dreams of. At the same time, he makes no effort. In such a situation, a person grows up who wants to make a profit at the expense of others.
- Guys who sensibly assess their attractiveness and know how to use it become gigolos. At a young age, such a person is not deprived of female attention. As he grows older, he realizes that he can benefit from this. He begins to look for a patroness, his benefactress.
Well, what... Drive in the neck, of course!
But first you need to find out whether your accusations are true. Often, when a woman accuses a man of idleness and parasitism, the real situation is different. So let's look at four typical options.
1. He really is a parasite
He doesn’t work, lies on the couch, watches TV, races “tanks” on the screen, drinks beer, and expertly comments on the statements of media people. Sometimes he pretends to be looking for a job, meaningfully keeps silent about the results of interviews, or disappointingly quotes personnel officers, proving what idiots they are and how unworthy he is of hunching over them. In extreme cases, he sleeps until lunchtime and walks around all day in a T-shirt and sweatpants. In adapted manifestations, he looks quite impressive, can portray a brutal macho or an intellectual, treats his wife in public with an ostentatious, patronizing manner, and gives her advice from the sofa. If he can be inspired to “nail the shelf,” then he will remember this to his wife for many years to come. He is useless in housekeeping and raising children, while he lives off his wife, who works extremely hard, sometimes holding two or three jobs.
The prognosis is negative, that is, it needs to be driven to the neck
2. His hobbies don't bring him money.
He is engaged in a business that is not monetized. In your opinion, it may never be monetized. He studies with passion, with passion and soul, spends more than 12 hours a day, is passionate about the idea and is ready to talk about this “nonsense” for hours. He is confident that his topic will “take off” and bring him: fame as an expert, money, a flow of clients, word of mouth, recommendations and applications for the next century. He already knows someone who has it working.
What kind of activity are we talking about? Yes about any. Construction of a rooftop wind turbine system. Plywood model airplanes for children. Color printing on birch logs. Embroidery on aluminum surfaces. Advertising platforms on a blog that has not yet been visited. Promotion of pickup training in small towns or, conversely, for corporate clients. Other exotics at the intersection of niches.
The woman who is nearby does not know anyone like this and does not understand how one can earn money through this activity. Nevertheless, she meets her man in the evenings, listens to his flow of emotions, feeds him pies and irons his shirts. She expects him to come to his senses and find a job. Or that in the process of running around he will come across a really intelligible project in which there is money.
Forecast - 50/50. Maybe his current project won’t work, but if a man is a creator, then from the third, fourth, fifth time he is able to invent something effective that will bring big profits and many other related things.
Should I wait for it to “shoot” and feed it all this time? The question is open and must be resolved individually.
3. He doesn't earn much
He goes to work and spends 4 to 8 hours a day there, he is not happy with work and earns less than you. About his salary you say: “Well, where is this good for?!” Work makes him universally melancholy, and at home you nag that he is a gigolo and a parasite.
This was most likely the case at the time we met, and long before you. To be honest, no one promised you that he would turn into a successful achiever. In his picture of the world, this is normal. Most likely, the level of his aspirations and needs is also low, he does not buy strawberries in winter, he does not need king prawns and elite cheese. He is happy with his vacation at the dacha, the Maldives is just a dot on the globe for him, and he doesn’t even dream about yachts and private planes. Perhaps he pronounces his philosophy with the phrases “not with our happiness,” “where he was born, he fits in,” “happy is he who desires little,” etc.
The prognosis is negative. Yes, your accusations are baseless. Formally, you are wrong. He is not a gigolo or a parasite, you find fault with him out of the blue. But the relationship has no prospects - your values are too different. Imagine that you are still sitting in the same boat, but rowing in different directions.
4. He breaks financial boundaries.
He is not lying on the sofa, he is “doing something”, you don’t know exactly what. He doesn’t go to work from bell to bell and, in your opinion, he could try harder. He does have money, but you don’t really know how much and with what regularity he receives it.
At the same time, his spending is lordly. Golf club, elite coffee, office rental not just anywhere, but in the premium segment, expensive cigars. And in order to have enough for everything, he sometimes gets into the general budget without asking, in other words, into your pocket. And you are really shaking from this.
Let me guess how you, as a woman, feel about this. You feel humiliated, you think that in this way he is conveying to you that he feels like he is on a higher level, “he can do anything.” That he takes compensation for some kind of moral damage caused, in his opinion, by you. And then the thought began to run, and its basis is your weak points in self-esteem: “I’m not educated enough,” “I’m ugly,” “I’m not dressed like that,” “I’m not a model,” “I’m not a candidate of science,” “I’m older.” /younger/thicker.” Enough?
In fact, he does not take any compensation from you, either directly or indirectly. He’s just spoiled as a child, so he easily oversteps and violates other people’s boundaries. And you, apparently, were brought up in strictness and restrictions, so you grew up obedient and indecisive. Your boundaries are easy to violate, which is what he does.
The prognosis is positive, but on the condition that he does not consider himself ideal and infallible and is ready to talk. It is important to convey what exactly offends you, angers you, makes you despondent and undermines faith in your strength and in the prospects of your relationship. There is no need to use the words “gigolo” and “parasite.” Pushing through other people's boundaries is an important trait of an achiever. It is important and needed in business, in sales, in consulting. It is quite possible that this man will go far, but with or without you, it’s up to you to decide. It's worth talking anyway.
From the editor
Dozens of different gurus have made Vedic principles of marriage fashionable. The essence of their theories is that a woman should wear long skirts and inspire her husband to earn a lot of money. Students of such trainings dream of handsome princes who need an accessory wife, obedient, calm, who will not compete with his alpha maleness and imaginary superiority complexes. Will the “correctly chosen” skirt help turn your husband into a millionaire? The myth about patriarchal eastern happiness for a Western family is debunked by psychologist Olga Yurkovskaya: .
Think about how many times you have heard phrases like “all men are the same” or “all women want the same thing” from girlfriends, friends, work colleagues and people just sitting next to you in a cafe. Now ask yourself when people use a phrase like this. If you think about it, this phrase sounds like a vivid manifesto dividing us by gender once and for all. And if we dig a little deeper, we will find in it the position of a person capitulating to difficulties in relationships. They say it’s useless to try. Tatyana Chernysheva examines what this defeatist attitude leads to .
