Why do you need a relationship?
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Today, few men and women can clearly answer the question, why are relationships needed ? If we choose a metaphor for modern relationships, it would be best to compare them to a prison cell. And a man and a woman, respectively, can be compared to prisoners. Why is this so? This is only because most of us strive to create relationships with one goal - to get rid of loneliness by having someone nearby.
You can prove it like this. Ask yourself why you need a relationship , why do you want to meet the man or woman of your dreams?
Most will answer this way: in order to have a loving, dear person nearby who you can take care of and who cares about you; a person who is nearby, who understands, with whom you can talk, etc. However, few people will answer that they need a relationship in order to find a person with whom they can set joint goals and achieve them with pleasure, so that through this achievement the internal growth of both would occur.
Do you feel the difference? In the first case, a person’s real goal of a relationship is to satisfy personal loneliness and melancholy, and in the second case, to grow even more, thanks to a person who is also interested in improving himself and your union. In one case, it is either decline or marking time. In another, it is the joint progress of two strong people united into a single whole.
You have to be alone to be with someone.
|| The paradox is also that the main element of love is loneliness. Because only that person who feels good, both alone with himself and with another person, is capable of sincere love.
Think of the relationship as a big empty bowl. There are two people: you and your man or your woman. You both have your own little ladles with which you can fill this empty cup. If each of you is internally independent and self-sufficient, then you will fill the cup with pleasure, realizing that you alone would never fill such a large vessel.
Possible reasons
A guy is not ready for a serious relationship, if his mother overprotects him, she is an authority for him
- External factor. Sometimes close friends or relatives of the gentleman hinder the building of serious relationships. It is possible that someone is turning a man against you or is simply telling him that it is too early to think about a serious relationship. In such a situation, it is important to find out who exactly is the instigator of all these thoughts, and turn all the young man’s attention to himself. It is important that he sees authority in your image and listens only to you.
- Subconscious blocks. A man can feel danger on a subconscious level and hinder the development of relationships. In such a situation, it is important for the young man to understand that he has a friend next to him. The girl should become softer, kinder, and eliminate aggressive behavior. You need to become a reliable comrade, from whom, in principle, there can be no danger.
- Hard experience of the past. It is possible that the guy previously had a difficult relationship with a girl; perhaps she broke his heart when he opened up greatly and was ready for a serious relationship. In such a situation, it is necessary to behave in such a way that the man feels the relationship being born between you. Moreover, when you are together, he should receive exclusively positive emotions. This way a logical relationship will be formed in your head: when he is with you, he feels good. Over time, the understanding will come that the past should remain in the past, and it has nothing to do with the present.
- Fear of love and the emergence of new feelings. In such a situation, the young man does not yet have any experience in a serious relationship; he is afraid of what he is experiencing at the moment. In such a situation, we are talking about the fact that the man really fell in love with you and it is better not to rush him, so as not to scare him away. Let the relationship develop as usual, over time he will mature and understand that it is time to move to a serious level.
- Cowardice. If a guy says he doesn't want a relationship, maybe he's just a coward and can't decide to have one. Moreover, such behavior does not always describe an outwardly modest person; a man can be quite brutal, courageous, but cowardly at heart. To change him, you need to behave in such a way that he begins to show his courage. Convince him that by getting you, he has already conquered an unattainable goal.
- Strong dependence on mother. It is possible that for your partner, your mother is the most authoritative person; he does not see himself with any woman in terms of a serious relationship. In such a situation, you need to be wiser, get to know your partner’s entire family, and try to please his mother.
- Fear of vulnerability. A man does not want, when he is next to a woman, to depend on her, her behavior, her whims, or to be vulnerable. In such a situation, it is necessary to show the young man that he can trust you.
- Heightened self-esteem. A man loves himself too much, is overly self-confident, does not want to share his life with anyone. He's used to what he has. In fact, this is a kind of manifestation of selfishness. It is important when communicating with such a young man to constantly use the pronoun “we” so that he gets used to the fact that you are now together as a single whole and there is nothing wrong with that, it is natural and normal.
- The man is a pessimist. It is possible that he does not see any future in your relationship, believes that everything will end badly, you will leave him, he will be left alone, then why change something now and move to a new level. In such a situation, you can insist on contacting a psychologist who, after a few sessions, will be able to convey to the young man that pessimistic views on life only interfere with normal life activities, and you need to get rid of them.
There may also be other answers to the question why a guy doesn’t want to move on to a serious relationship:
- the young man is sure that the girl will always be there, she won’t go anywhere, why do anything, move on somewhere else, he feels good as it is;
- the guy is comfortable with the conditions that exist at the moment, he does not want to complicate or change anything in his life;
- refuses a new level of relationship due to the fact that the girl puts too much pressure, constantly talks about the need to move to a new level, the young man simply resists this;
- eternal bachelor - a guy who is completely convinced that he should have his own freedom, he does not need any marital relations;
- the young man is afraid of excessive guardianship from the girl if their relationship goes to a new level.
There are cases when a man does not want a relationship, but does not let his partner leave him even one step. In such a situation, the following reasons are possible:
- a man rejoices that there is someone who admires him, is ready to do anything for him, he takes advantage of it;
- the young man has a relationship with another girl, a new young lady has appeared as a backup or simply to diversify everyday life;
- he has two women for whom he seems to have the same feelings, and one of them may be his legal wife;
- the young man feels satisfaction from such relationships, considers himself to be the main one in them, and does not want anything to change;
- the man is afraid of loneliness, so he holds the girl, but does not dare to take any more serious actions.
Warmth. Men most often want care and warmth from women. That elusive and alluring feeling that a man knew only in childhood from his mother. It is impossible to express in words, but he definitely needs it like air and he is ready for a lot for it. If, of course, he can admit it to himself. And if, of course, in childhood he really received such warmth from his mother.
Admiration. Contrary to cultural cliches and stereotypes, men, deep down, are very timid and unsure of themselves. Therefore, those who are nearby must definitely admire his decisions, victories, and in the absence of these, his resistance to failures. Doubts about him, and even more so, indications of his mistakes and failures, will certainly give rise to the process of destruction of relationships.
Sex. Men, like women, need love, but often sex is all they need. Poorly understanding the intricacies of relationships between people, and even more so in recognizing the complex - and, more often, simply inaccessible to their understanding, completely unthinkable - organization of a woman’s sensual life, a man happily enters into those relationships that are understandable and simple to him: sex for pleasure and (sometimes) for procreation. I feel ready - I’m going to you!
Understanding. Oddly enough, it is the most difficult to achieve. And the point here is not only in the dubious ideas “logic versus feelings” and “Mars versus Venus” littered in magazines, but in the contradictory desire to simultaneously be “cool” in her eyes, and the need to share your doubts, fears and anxieties with a loved one . Will she understand me? Will he want to? If he understands, won’t he judge?
Status. A man with a woman who meets the requirements of his circle (smart, beautiful, homely, successful - emphasize what is necessary in accordance with your environment) has a higher status in the eyes of those whose opinion matters to him. In some companies/fields of activity this is directly articulated, by the way. For a man-husband, a man-father of a family, for many is synonymous with solidity, stability and stability. And such reinforcement of status has a very good effect on self-esteem, one’s own sense of significance in society. And, sometimes, for promotion.
Feelings of value to a partner. Often, it is with the loss of this feeling that distance and coldness in relationships begin. In therapy sessions, spouses are asked to answer the simple question “How am I valuable to my partner?” turns into complete stupor and bewilderment in a couple: in the bustle of everyday life there is no time to think in this direction, no time to discover one’s value and let the person next to me understand why exactly he is valuable to me right now.
We can talk about each of these points at length and in detail, since behind it there is a living need, a hunger that requires satisfaction, calls out to one’s neighbor and seeks an answer from the one who is nearby. We will talk about all this (and more) and test and try it in practice in our group. Let the seeker find 
(to be continued)
Do I need a relationship?
If you think about the relationships in our lives, you will find an interesting point: we are constantly in some kind of relationship.
At birth, a child enters into his first relationship - with his parents. Here he has no choice: following the survival instinct, the baby learns to adapt to what mom and dad give. In these forced relationships, one receives parental care and acceptance, another receives criticism and devaluation, a third receives emotionally unavailable parents, and a fourth receives both.
Over time, the spectrum of relationships gradually expands: it includes relatives, educators, and teachers. But there is still no choice: children continue to adapt to significant adults. Of course, you can choose with whom to play and be friends, however, by this moment, due to the experience of the first relationships, the child already has formed fears and wounds inside, which he carries into relationships with others. And it often turns out like this: a person seems to be looking for a personal relationship on equal terms, but subconsciously strives to find a parent who will make his life carefree, give him a feeling of security and need, and give unconditional love.
Since often these needs are not realized, they do not come to the surface and are not spoken out. A person expects his partner to be a good mom/reliable dad, and gets hurt and angry when these expectations are not fulfilled. And if, by analogy with what happened in the parental family, relationships are associated with severe pain, then the person abandons himself - the present. He begins to play a role, putting on a familiar mask, just like he did next to his parents, in order to get at least a little attention, support and love from them.
From the first relationship, everyone carries out their own traumas, which contribute to the formation of fairly rigid patterns of behavior in further relationships. When anxieties and painful moments remain unresolved, the fall into one’s own childhood traumatic history continues with constant tension and fear of rejection.
In a relationship between two adults, it is important to learn to separate “then” and “now” within oneself, to be aware of one’s own feelings and needs in a relationship, to understand what I want to receive and what I can give in a partnership, to respect the boundaries of one’s own and the other’s, to negotiate in moments which are perceived differently. And if in real life this may take dozens of years (or never happen at all), then in the safe space of a therapeutic group with the support of leaders, a person gets the opportunity to take a closer look at others, explore his feelings, present himself and receive live responses from participants, realize your true needs in relationships, experiment and get new results from interacting with others. Then the acquired experience can be carried into your relationships with loved ones, colleagues, and friends.
Of course, relationships are, in a sense, a real art. The art of tactful attention, respect for the differences between us, understanding the needs - one's own and another, and the starting point here is invariably myself. When people around talk about the need to have a partner and make the status “in a relationship” an indispensable value, it is important to ask yourself a simple question - do I want to have a personal relationship myself? Maybe now I’m so pleasant and comfortable in my solitude that I don’t want to share it with anyone? And this is definitely my right. Although we talk about relationships, often each of us is so tired of them that we want to be alone - to return to ourselves and enjoy the resources of loneliness. After all, relationships with yourself are the foundation of future relationships with others.
