How to solve relationship problems - advice from a psychologist

At a young age, life seems bright and rosy. I want to believe in good and beautiful things, but things don’t always go as planned. You feel the pain more acutely from unexpected partings with a person to whom just recently you would have wanted to give all your tender feelings.

Many girls are familiar with this situation. She sits and waits for a call from her beloved guy, he doesn’t call for a day or two. During rare meetings, he tries not to talk much, looking to the side. At such a moment, you want to have a serious conversation and find out why such an unexpectedly large gap has arisen between two loving hearts. But such a conversation only causes irritation. The guy gets up abruptly and leaves, leaving, perhaps forever. What's happened? Where was the mistake made? Why did relations deteriorate so sharply? Could the rupture have been prevented? These questions are swirling around in the young head of the charming beauty. If she knew the answers to them, everything would be completely different. Therefore, there is a need to write a detailed article about how you can improve your relationship with a guy, how to build your love correctly and prevent separation?

Possible reasons for deteriorating relationships

Doctors, before treating a disease, look for the cause of the disease. In this situation, you need to do the same. What can trigger a breakup in a relationship? Mutual misunderstanding. The girl looks at the world from a different, completely different angle. Her priority is romance and feelings. She dreams of receiving warmth and tenderness from a relationship. But she herself does nothing. You can’t take it all the time and demand constant attention to yourself. In a relationship, you need to give more, add more wood to the fire, then it will burn longer. But this must be done wisely and unobtrusively. Otherwise, the relationship will fade away on its own.

Psychologists are sure that many girls subconsciously want to completely subordinate the will of their loved one. Therefore, they begin to control him, deprive him of personal freedom, demand from the guy that he belongs entirely to her alone and to no one else: neither friends, nor girlfriends, nor parents.

And such behavior never leads to good things. And all because such zeal gives rise to a protest reaction and becomes the cause of the first serious quarrels. The girl must come to terms with the fact that her boyfriend may have another life, in which there is no place for her yet. And only complete trust, as well as mutual understanding, can save the relationship.

A girl must understand once and for all that a young man needs someone who will simply be there at the right moment, someone who will always support and take his side. Therefore, in order to maintain your love, you need to completely rebuild yourself and try to listen to the following very practical advice.

How to get rid of tension in a relationship?

Until a certain level of development of awareness, a person does not see his contribution to the events of his own life.

We perceive many things as accidents.

And that is why, as a mirror, we choose as a partner the person who can show us all the unconscious aspects of our personality.

This is especially true in relationships between a man and a woman. If you contemplate your partner, then through him, through reflections in him, through feedback from him, you can learn a lot about yourself, if not everything...

1. Man and woman are created to serve each other. Their relationship is interdependent, whether they like it or not.

To the maximum, every person wants to reveal his potential during his life, but he is hampered by the masks-roles-subpersonalities that he had to put on himself in order to survive in conditions when his parents criticized him and punished him. Service is expressed in the fact that a man and a woman build all relationships with each other on the principle of complementarity.

What one partner lacks for awareness and liberation from the subpersonality that prevents him from realizing his potential, the other party will complement him with his subpersonalities. When one side needs to realize and free itself from the Victim, then the other side has to be a Tyrant to do this. Or another example, when a woman needs to express herself as a Strong Personality, a man, in order to complement her, needs to become Weak.

2. Men's Service to a woman is to make known what is hidden in a woman, that is, what she STILL does not know about herself.

A man, by his behavior, reveals those subpersonalities that a woman suppresses in herself:

— A man drinks when a woman does not admit that she is pressing. Thus, he seems to be telling her: I must be Insane so that you can be a Guardian. — A man hits when a woman is stuck in the Victim: I must be Dangerous so that you have someone to fear. — A man is idle when a woman takes on the burden of responsibility and becomes a mother for him: I must be Inept so that you have someone to teach. - A man cheats when he cannot make his “first woman” - his mother - happy: I must be a Traitor so that you stop being a Victim (addressing your mother, but living with your wife).

A few steps that can help save your relationship

If you feel that the relationship has begun to crack, there is no need to despair and cry into your pillow. Dejection and self-flagellation are not helpful in this matter. Relationships must be constantly maintained, ensuring that not a single spark from the fire of love is lost. There is a living person next to you, with his own emotions and views on life. For now, he belongs only to himself, and can use his freedom at any moment. Therefore, it is necessary, first of all, to constantly work on yourself. And here's what to do.

Make life easier!

She will do the right thing by trying to form a warm and trusting relationship. There is no need to complicate anything in this life and take everything to heart. Guys love girls who have a positive outlook on life and approach everything with great irony. Humor helps strengthen relationships, relieve tension and make the world around you more pleasant and interesting.

Avoid controversial issues!

The wise and intelligent try to avoid controversial issues. It is not difficult to understand where the discrepancies exist. On many issues, views on life can differ greatly. If you constantly add oil to the fire, it will quickly burn out, leaving behind only an unpleasant smell. If you want to preserve the relationship, there is no need to provoke quarrels, make constant comments, pointing out existing shortcomings. Of course, putting up with them is also wrong, but believe me, there are many ways to achieve your goals with kindness and affection.

Do not try to limit personal freedom!

The most common mistake of young girls is the desire to constantly control every step of their lover, to demand care and attention from him. It is not right. Each partner should maintain their own personal space in which they can be themselves. You can’t narrow it down to the size of a coin. If he wants to go to football today, devote his free time to friends, let him go! Take care of yourself, get yourself in order, devote time to study. Remember! A young man needs to have a personality nearby, not a “rag.” For him, freedom is above all. She is the one who makes him happy. And the girl just has to be nearby!

Sometimes you need to be able to forgive mistakes!

It is important to remember that we are all capable of acting rashly and making serious mistakes. Anyone can stumble, so the right thing is done by the one who not only knows how to forgive any shortcomings and gives a chance for correction, but also helps his partner to improve.

Learn to be unpredictable!

A guy by nature is a hunter, he needs to pursue, follow the trail, strain his brain, trying to predict the actions of his partner. Often it is the girl’s predictability that kills this fuse. It becomes boring very quickly with someone like this, so the relationship gradually fades away. It's not difficult to surprise a young man. To do this, you need to study his habits, try to delve into his hobbies (love football, for example, and follow the results of his favorite team). Don't sit still, make an effort, work on your relationship, constantly pushing it forward towards a certain goal.

Form unifying traditions!

Any relationship must have clues that help hold it together. Such clues can be unifying traditions that a couple can form for themselves personally. For example, many young people choose “secret places” that no one knows about. It’s very romantic to hide there from the whole world. Nothing unites people more than shared secrets, celebrating the anniversary of a meeting, the first kiss, the first intimacy. Everything that can support good memories of the union of two lovers must be cultivated.

Maintain communication!

A sure sign of an imminent separation is the cessation of confidential communication. A girl should become an interesting conversationalist and a good friend for her boyfriend. That person with whom you can talk about everything: music, cinema, cars. Freedom of communication is the main thing that unites and forces people to show interest in their future fate.

If you think about the bad all the time, it will overshadow everything and crowd out the joyful and positive. So cultivate positivity!

Make relationships work

One of the best tips for dealing with relationship problems is to understand that love is not a fairy tale. And if you want to feel happiness and harmony in your relationship, then you must do something for this. Various difficulties may arise in your life that will negatively affect your relationship. So it is quite normal if minor conflicts arise between you. Only you need to solve them in a friendly atmosphere, without resorting to separation. And only when you have tried all the methods and they have not given any result. Only then should you think about breaking up.

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Relationships after a quarrel - how to improve?

There are probably no lovers in the world who never quarrel.
Quarrels proceed in different ways. Sometimes couples are characterized as a “Mexican family”, and sometimes as an “English” family. Two different nationalities completely reflect the most common couple relationships. As for the “English family,” such couples basically hide everything. No matter what happens, no one will know, not even family and friends. The couple will behave normally and play to the public. But in reality it's just a game. And such relationships can last a lifetime.

The “Mexican family” is radically different from the British. Violent scandals are always in full view of neighbors and friends. And quarrels among such couples occur very often. We can say that they even enjoy quarrels, since reconciliation is very sweet for them afterwards.

Of course, these two examples are extremes. There is still a middle ground that couples should adhere to. After all, it is impossible to live without quarrels and disputes. You can’t put off working on relationships and think that everything will pass. Girls must find ways themselves to avoid a quarrel with their loved one.

The habit of keeping everything to yourself

Some women think that in order to maintain a good relationship with their partner, at the moment of the climax of a quarrel, you just need to remain silent, or even listen to your partner in silence. In fact, this doesn't solve anything. When a woman sees a relationship deteriorating, what should she do in such a situation? Naturally, there is no need to get involved in an argument by shouting or starting an argument, aggravating the situation. But you shouldn’t remain silent either.

You need to pull yourself together and calmly explain to your partner that you want to talk about the subject of the dispute, calmly discussing everything in order to come to a mutually beneficial solution.

Difficult relationship with a friend

I will try to write honestly. We met in a common company. He dated my sister for a couple of months. But they didn't succeed. After some time, knowing his love for travel, I invited him to accompany me on the tour. He agreed. Before that we didn’t communicate at all, I would say. On the trip, everything seemed to go well and amicably. It was before the New Year. For New Year I receive a gift. And he is the kind of person that if he likes a girl, he begins to, roughly speaking, run after her. He takes care of her in every possible way. And even if she refuses him, he runs after her until she finds a guy. So he courted his first love for three years. This was unexpected for me, because I am actually a reserved person, not very sociable, not cheerful, and calm. Despite my good looks, I have very poor self-esteem. I have difficulty getting close to people. I can't. All this is due to the difficult relationship of my parents, etc. But since I was 16, I have been severely depressed. Now I am 26. Until now I have not had a normal relationship with a young man. I get attached very quickly and in another person I rather look for a replacement parent first and foremost. But the friend, of course, did not know this. Except that I'm obviously the complete opposite of my sister. And in general, the girls he likes. After a month of communication, he unexpectedly invites me to try to build a relationship with him. I can't date someone I'm not in love with. But there was more to it than that. Despite the fact that he was ready to help me in everything and he really has many other advantages, as a person I feel uncomfortable with him. You can talk to him, discuss something. But there is no connection or attraction. Then we still communicated very little, I said that I would think about it. He repeated his question six months later. During this time, I got to know his brother a little better and fell deeply in love. I couldn't resist. But she could not count on reciprocity for the same reasons. This feeling and dreams helped me cope with the experiences of others. But this was another reason to completely refuse my friend, especially since my sympathies were noticeable. I thought that my friend and I would stop communicating. After all, it is usually difficult to communicate when you are not reciprocated. But he insisted on friendship and said that he did not want to give up pleasant communication. We started going out together more often. Besides, I didn’t really have any other company. I really accepted my friend’s invitations to go somewhere, but I still didn’t feel any desire to see him, even as a friend. I felt more like he was my friend. I began to notice that he irritated me by himself, with his demeanor, jokes, that he was very emotional and harsh. Then it became obvious that we think very differently, even though we like a lot of the same things. He was also very offended that I liked someone else and when I told him about this, in response I heard that it was unpleasant for him and that I, as a friend, should think about his feelings and not make him feel unpleasant. I answered that he was not my friend at all. We argued a lot about this and quarreled. And I really don't understand him about this. This ambivalent attitude of his bothered me. The words that he “doesn’t offend me with this” only made me angry. Because I couldn't completely relax. It’s also very difficult to argue with a friend. He is very good at playing with words and will talk you down very easily. If you start answering him, it drags on for an hour or more. For me it is very tiring and ends in melancholy and depression. I almost never have a good mood anyway. Communication began to develop in the direction of “who will talk to whom.” Like in kindergarten. Those. no development. On the contrary, I had to deal with what I was trying to get rid of. I began to think where I could be wrong here and whether I was wrong at all. To take his place, maybe I really offend him. I understand that I cannot do as much for him and treat him the same way. That I shouldn’t feel obligated for everything he does for me. We continued to communicate, but we began to quarrel more often. It turned out that I value him little, praise him little, say thank you little. He began to constantly list what he did for me, but he never asked for anything for it and he likes to take care of me. This annoyed me too. And I had nothing to answer him. But the biggest quarrel happened recently. We went together for a week to relax at the seaside. Because of the recent quarrels, I knew that this was a bad idea. And in 5 days people definitely become closer. But I just didn’t want to get close to him. So that no more ambiguous situations arise. But I don't have any more company. I don't always feel comfortable in new places. And plus the fact that the person annoys me... I could really say something sharply to him and offend him. In response, I heard that I had a difficult character, that no one would get along with me. There’s another moment - I had a big fight with my sister, the first time like this. We haven't spoken for six months. Here, too, I cannot somehow concede. And I can’t forgive. But that's another topic. A friend, using this quarrel with his sister, told me: “It’s hard to get used to you. If my sister couldn’t do it for so long.” This was the limit. And here I have a question for you. Because it’s difficult for me to look at the situation from the other side. After all, I really didn’t impose my communication on the person; I very rarely asked him for anything. All his help, invitations to somewhere, gifts - all his initiative. Now a person tells me that I offend him, underestimate him, that I have a difficult character, etc. This makes me very upset. Should I feel guilty? Now I don't know what to do with communication. I don't have the moral strength to continue it. And I don’t want to offend a person, because I can’t tell him everything as it is. I am sure that he simply needs a positive and cheerful person. I told him many times to start looking for a girl. After all, he is already 29 years old. Besides, it’s obvious that we can’t even be friends. I don’t know whether to stop communicating completely or to still be friends. At least to clarify this situation a little from the outside. Thank you!

Difficult relationship with my friend's mother (1 answer)

What mistakes do both partners make?

Ingratitude is one of the most common problems. In family life, many people think that since this is the husband, that means he “should” help with the housework, earn money, and be a good father. If he doesn’t do something, it means he’s not fulfilling his duty. But if he does something, there is nothing to praise him for, he already has to do it, since he has started a family. Likewise, a man does not consider it necessary to thank a woman for her “direct responsibilities.” In addition, we were taught from childhood that if you praise a person a lot, you can overpraise him and he will become arrogant. This is wrong. A man can be praised unlimitedly for his actions, and a woman can generally be praised not only for her actions, but also just like that; it’s impossible to go too far. Especially for beauty. Really, girls?