How to forget your ex-husband, who already lives with the one who destroyed the family?

4 1508 April 19, 2020 at 03:34 pm Author of the publication: Marina Alekseeva Tatyana Prokhorova

Cozy cafe, aromatic Americano and Prague. Actually, I love cappuccino. He loves Americano. How long has it been since the divorce? More than a year? Yes. More than a year since we broke up, and I still come to our cafe and order his favorite coffee. How to forget your ex-husband? Unanswered question...

At first it was empty, lonely and scary. The feeling that the ground has disappeared from under your feet. No, not even that. As if in a marshy swamp or deep snow, I’m looking for support with my foot, but I’m falling deeper and deeper. There is emptiness beneath me, and there is nothing to cling to.

Afterwards, resentment and pain overwhelm you. Tears wash away foundation and powder. I changed my mascara to waterproof one a long time ago: it doesn’t run. A huge grief piercing through the soul from the realization that we are no longer together. How to contain this grief? It freezes the whole body, squeezes the throat in a silent scream. It’s impossible to go further, I sit down and sob somewhere on a bench at a metro station or right in the middle of the street, leaning against the wall of some building. It's forever. I lost him forever.

There are days when I walk around and smile stupidly, remembering the touching or funny moments of our life. Everything is so real, real. It’s as if there is no world around. Now I feel the warmth of his hand under my palm, the roughness of the T-shirt and the coolness of the river. But we are just drinking tea together. My husband loves it with bergamot. We laugh. It is impossible to forget this. And it seems that separation is a misunderstanding, divorce is a temporary forced circumstance, a break to think. Soon everything will be the same.

Frequency of memories

If a girl says to herself, “I can’t stop loving you,” and after a breakup, thoughts about past happiness are constantly spinning in her head, then there is a reason to sound the alarm. A woman cannot cope with the depression caused by a break with her loved one.

The only way out for her is to escape reality into a dream world about the past. She returns to them again and again, but she will have to pay dearly for this attempt to snatch a piece of illusory happiness. The illusion will take hold of the mind more strongly, and returning to reality will become more and more difficult each time.

You should not conduct mental dialogues with your ex-partner, monitor his pages on social networks, or sort through gifts from him. You need to realize: the relationship is over, there is only indifference on his part. When you leave, you need to leave.

Effective techniques

Starting a new full life after a divorce and becoming a different person is not easy, but necessary. Otherwise, you will not be able to get rid of pain and suffering. A new life must begin with drastic changes, which can be painful. In psychology this is called “leaving your comfort zone.”

Going through a divorce from someone you once loved is difficult. If a couple has a child together, this process becomes even more painful. The breakdown of parents' marriage does not have the best effect on the child's psyche. The baby will start asking questions (you will still have to answer them) or withdraw into himself.

When a woman begins to come to her senses depends on her internal resources. But knowing exactly what to do will help you cope with this task.

Process and let go of negativity

It is normal to experience negative emotions towards your ex-spouse. There is no point in blaming yourself for such feelings. You can use the tense state as a resource. Often a negative emotional shock has a strong motivating effect: a person, out of spite, tries to achieve success and become better. As a result, the emotions will subside, but the result will remain.

But if emotions only have a destructive effect and reinforce harmful patterns of behavior towards oneself and loved ones (abuse of addictive substances, aggression towards family and friends), it is necessary to solve the problem differently. In this case, you need to let the negativity come out through tears and a conversation with a loved one. Another method to let off steam is to go to a secluded place (forest, park) and scream. Scream therapy is an effective technique for combating stress. In addition, you can relieve stress in the gym.

Find strength within yourself

When the pain subsides, you need to find motivation to start a new life. The void needs to be filled, otherwise everything will return to normal: the girl will remain at home, continuing to revel in self-pity and enjoy watching TV series about love. To find inspiration, you need to leave the house. It could be a nice picnic with a friend in nature, a hiking trip, or a get-together in a cozy restaurant.

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The past is behind us, the horizons are open. All that remains is to become happy. You can remember your aspirations and dreams before marriage. Public, entertainment and educational events (going to the cinema or theater, attending a master class) will be useful in finding a new path.

Increase self-esteem

Love is lost, awareness of this always negatively affects self-esteem and takes away hope for a better future. This gap needs to be filled.

Psychological training and exercises will help here. For example, you can remember your positive qualities, or better yet, write about them on paper. There is no need to be modest, because bold and impudent praise addressed to you will make you reassess the current state of affairs. The list must be re-read every day. Gradually, self-respect and love will begin to return.

Color your life with new colors

When self-esteem is normal, you need to turn to the outside world, throwing off the veil of past disappointments and grievances. The life around us has shades with which people paint it. The whole palette is in the head. You need to learn to feel the connection with the world, nature, natural beauty and harmony even in everyday things. As soon as contact is established, the dark past will disappear without a trace.

Stop contact or minimize communication

The ex-spouse must be erased from life if there are no children together. Otherwise, it will be difficult to exclude contacts with him, but you can reduce them to a minimum: communicate only on topics related to children. There is no need to be interested in your ex's life and ask if everything is okay with him.

Letting go of memories of your husband means blocking all his accounts on social networks and not viewing photos. You shouldn't try to be friends with your ex, even if he suggests it, because it's a disastrous idea. In shared companies, it is better to try not to intersect, especially in the first time after breaking up.

A cheating husband may feel guilty if the breakup was initiated because of his infidelity. He will try to regain his wife’s favor, press on her pity and take advantage of many years of affection. Even sex is possible against the background of past love. Such an impulse will not bring anything good. The girl will take this as an attempt to reunite. In fact, this will simply help him gradually wean himself off his wife and leave without feeling guilty.

Get specialist help

You don’t always have the strength to cope with the problem and normalize your psycho-emotional state on your own. The advice of a psychologist specializing in family relationships would be appropriate here. Don’t be embarrassed to seek help from a specialist—this is normal practice.

Many people around the world visit psychological offices and express their gratitude to the doctors who gave them the right direction and prevented the development of severe depression and saved them from suicide. A psychologist will not only listen, but also help to carefully work through the problem and close it.

How to forget your husband after divorce

Every girl who goes through divorce proceedings changes. For changes to be positive, the past must be left behind. This process is not easy, since you will have to leave your comfort zone and start living again, without your husband. Psychologists agree that we need to change not only psychologically, but also physically:

Get rid of all things, no matter how small, that remind you of your ex-husband. If you can’t throw it away, then put everything in a box and put it in the farthest corner so that you don’t bump into it. The less often you are tormented by memories of your shared past, the easier you will survive the separation.
Completely stop maintaining any contact with your husband. However, there is one exception when there is a child in the family. But, even in this case, communicate with your ex-spouse minimally. You shouldn't be interested in his life. You know less, you stress yourself out less, you think less. On social networks, remove him from your friends, do not visit his pages, do not look at his photos and posts. Otherwise, you will continue to torment your soul with memories.
An outburst of negativity is needed. Don’t hold back your tears, chat with your friends, share exciting moments. When we don’t keep everything to ourselves, but share our experiences, it becomes easier for us. If you have the opportunity to get out into nature, go. Fresh air has a beneficial effect on clearing the mind. Shout, screaming will reduce your emotional stress. You must get rid of your overwhelming emotions.
Once you feel better, the next step is motivation. No matter how happy you would be at home, you must pull yourself together and go to people. Start, at a minimum, with get-togethers with friends, or better yet, start an active life with visits to events, walks, and so on. You must take action on all fronts to regain the joy of life, to remind yourself how wonderful life is without your ex-partner. Try to attend events where you can relax or have fun as often as possible.
Learn a new hobby or hobby. It could be anything, yoga, dancing, gym, drawing and so on... It is not uncommon that after emotional instability due to a breakup, girls learn about their hidden talents.
Get your appearance in order. Now is the best time to take charge of yourself. Change your style radically.
Identify the things that help you be happy and start making yourself happy. Do you like massage? Go to a massage parlor. Do you want a new dress? Buy it. Manicure? Let's sign up. Start living for yourself and for your own joy, do not deprive yourself of the joy of life.
Make a list of goals that you will need to achieve in the near future. Get your figure in order, acquire a license, learn to embroider, and so on. You should be inspired by your goals. Think about what you wanted to do so badly, but couldn’t do it in your marriage, and start making it a reality.

If these tips are not enough, you can get acquainted with more by following the link.

Steps into a new world

After getting rid of the negative emotions associated with the breakup, you need to change your lifestyle. To do this, you need to be open to change, accept yourself as a person and tune in to a positive result. You can go on a trip abroad and fulfill your old dream.

Open to innovation

It's time to stop dwelling on the past and go in search of inspiration. But before that, you should sit down and write down on paper your hobbies, desires, and unrealized projects. Crisis moments in life are a great time for drastic changes and daring endeavors.

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This could be writing a book, hitchhiking around Europe, learning oriental dances, mastering the culinary arts, etc. Ideas can be the craziest. Hobby will quickly take over and take the place of unpleasant memories and negative experiences. Far from reality and unproductive fantasies about the return of former love will go away forever.

Accept and love yourself

During this period, your attitude towards yourself is extremely important. You need to behave with dignity. Spying on your ex's life is a destructive activity and has no place in your new life. It's better to concentrate on yourself. Instead of constantly worrying about the absence of friends and loved ones, you should take a moment and spend time alone with yourself. This will help you take control of the situation.

There is a good exercise: to get to know yourself better, you should start with your own physical body. Awareness of yourself here and now in this moment of reality will allow you to break out of the endless flow of information with ephemeral significance, sitting on social networks, watching TV series. You must not allow yourself to lose your identity, to dissolve in something or someone.

Be positive

Another important step on the path to a new life is getting the right attitude. Spiritual practices will help with this: mantras, prayers, etc.

There is an effective psychological exercise for a positive attitude. At the first stage, you need to accept the breakup as a given and come to terms with reality. This needs to be said out loud to be understood.

Then you need to determine your true desires. To do this, you need to relax, breathe deeply and draw in your thoughts your desired future.

Once your desires have been identified, it is worth trying the method of positive statements or affirmations. It is necessary to repeat phrases that reflect the desired state of affairs. Affirmative statements cannot contain negation; they must be pronounced in the first person in the present tense. It is necessary to repeat phrases every day several times in moments of influx of positive energy and joy.

Forget your ex-husband? This is unreal...

My friends don’t understand, they give me advice to forget my husband. But as? The world is full of them. Our places, our song, our friends. At home his favorite cup, spoon, plate. I eat from them and my husband seems to be nearby. His place at the table is empty. Sometimes I sit for hours and look at a chair - everything around me comes to life. I remember how my husband joked. How he praised my cooking. I cook his favorite dishes. But when I’m especially sad, I can’t swallow a single piece.

It also seems that all the quarrels and all the bad things were small and insignificant, the divorce was an accident. Why couldn't I forgive more? Take more care of him? Don't burden him with your problems? Everything is already complicated for him, but here I am... The more I think about him, the more convinced I am of how lucky I am that we were together. He's just the perfect man. I was lucky not only to know him - he was my husband, he loved me, but I did not save him.

I’m trying to figure out what could have been done differently, how to retroactively correct all my mistakes in order to prevent them in the future? I think about this all the time. But I need a psychologist, I can’t do it myself...

Sometimes it lets go. It becomes easier to breathe. But then comes the guilt for it. How can I forget my husband - the best thing that happened in my life? How can I not carefully cherish every moment of the warm, full of love and happiness of the past? It disappears bit by bit from memory, details are erased, and it’s incredibly scary. I'm afraid that the day will come when I will forget it. No, I will wait for my husband, and he will certainly return.

Social networks... The opportunity to be nearby invisibly. Here he is with a new passion. But this is not serious, because it cannot be the way we loved each other. I peer at her. I wander through her page. What did he find in her, why her? I must admit, in some ways she is better. So you have to become like that. She can do it, so can I. In any case, I have a head start: I know him much better than she does, and he loved me.

I spend hours looking at our photos. There are so many of them. I enlarge the image on the screen and peer into my husband’s beloved eyes. I'm looking at everything. How close and dear he is. How to forget him?

Sometimes life comes into its own. I find myself in the cold lonely reality of divorce with no future and no hope. I get ready for work in the morning, do something, talk to someone. But fleeting fragments of reality caught out of the corner of my eye instantly throw me into memories. Here it is now. Drops on the window, the steady noise of the rain... and the rest of the world disappeared. Came to mind. My husband and I are at home and didn't go anywhere because of the rain. Hot tea, blanket, movie. The warmth of his body.

Time is running. The absolute happiness of hope that we will be together again is replaced by deep grief from a collision with reality. It hurts too much. And then I again go far into memories. They are like anesthesia. I revive the past, in which WE are. Bringing everything back becomes the goal, the meaning. No matter what you have to sacrifice for this.

How to forget your ex-husband - advice from a psychologist

Why can't you forget like others can? Why do you choose suffering and this sweet pain? How to forget and let go of your ex-husband if the memory of the past seems to be the only meaning of life? If the idea of getting your husband back seems like the purpose of your entire existence...

Recommendations from others and psychologists to accept divorce as a given, to forget everything (after all, life is passing you by, and you are stuck in the past), to start living from scratch usually only cause resentment - how do they not understand? You're hurt, you want to let go, but you can't.

The training “System-vector psychology” by Yuri Burlan accurately identifies the root of the problem and helps to solve it. The inability to forget, such a strong emotional attachment is characteristic of people with anal and visual vectors:

the first - due to a good memory, the value of the past, the first love experience and family ties,
the second - due to the enormous need to love, when the whole meaning of life lies in love.

Is it possible to overcome dependence on your ex-husband? Of course, it won’t work out quickly, but the prognosis is comforting. You just need to:

become aware of your psychological characteristics,
learn to apply them in the right direction.

Advice from a psychologist for those who find it difficult to forget

When you understand your properties, you act consciously. After the “System-Vector Psychology” training, you can become your own psychologist and develop an action strategy. Sensually, you are not yet ready to let go, but consciously you can act, because you will know how - and that it will definitely help. It's like taking a bitter pill, because after it you are guaranteed to stop having a headache.

Your memory is incredibly strong, so it clings to everything - places, things and even smells. The easiest first step you can take after a divorce is to remove all the things and dishes that remind you of your husband. Items do not have to be thrown away; they can be taken to an orphanage or nursing home. You can make repairs or rearrangements. Be sure to change the eau de toilette you used while you were with him. And in general, anything with a smell, even washing powder. Buy another brand of coffee and tea, other sweets.

Women with anal vector homemade. You need to leave the house. If you have friends, spend time with them. There are close people around who need you: child, parents, friends. It's good to have someone to think about.

For any woman, a divorce from her husband is a loss of a sense of security and safety, which is vital for her psychological comfort. And especially for women with an anal vector: home is her fortress. When the husband leaves, protection is lost, a solid shoulder to lean on. And then you need work to find ground under your feet, to feel needed.

Recommendations from a psychologist

In addition to the well-known methods to help you cope with a breakup and forget your ex-husband, psychologists advise:

Be frank. There is no need to keep experiences to yourself, accumulate negativity. It is necessary to speak out in front of someone; colleagues, friends, and relatives will help here. But the best option would be to see a psychologist.
Try the substitution method. Vivid emotions that can crowd out thoughts about the reasons for separation are not only hobbies. It is acceptable to start a new romance with a man, but when the pain of parting with the previous spouse subsides. Nascent love must develop against a positive background, so some time must pass.
After deciding to break up, it is useful to talk with your partner, dotting all the i’s. At the same time, you cannot throw out negativity on a person or blame him. The dialogue must be constructive. If you don't have confidence in your inner strengths, you shouldn't talk to your ex.
See how happy he is with his new girlfriend. This does not mean that you need to pursue a man constantly and watch his life. But sometimes, in order to realize something, you need to see it with your own eyes.
Concentrate on knowing yourself. You can buy relevant literature and attend a couple of seminars on spiritual practices. This will help put your thoughts in order and distract you from self-flagellation and the desire to return lost love.

Dealing with negative emotions and letting go of a leaving spouse is not an easy task. It is important to maintain composure, but you should not accumulate anger inside yourself. You can use the screaming method to release negative emotions and repeat affirmations for a positive attitude. Psychologists will help you work through the problem competently and as safely as possible.