I-statement: Affiliation and responsibility

5-Step I-Message Technique:

The I-message perfectly helps in a protracted and painful conflict , when the other side stubbornly does not understand you and stands its ground.

I-message is an excellent form of self-therapy when you are alone with pain, loss or breakup and there is no psychologist nearby.

The I-message allows you to end the relationship on a psychological level when you did not have time to say goodbye to the deceased, or when a real conversation is impossible.

The I-message serves to establish genuine contact with the interlocutor when you need to attract supporters or partners.

The I-message is an excellent form for composing letters: farewell letters, starting a relationship, letters of request and letters of gratitude.

Textual I-statement formula.

I-utterance is a complete message “on behalf of I” in special situations of conflict-free communication.

I-statement, I-message and I-text are different forms of one effective formula that is very good for self-therapy. (c) Psychologist of Happiness.

I-text is a special name for an I-statement (message), which emphasizes that you “express” in writing, in text.

Webinar on the 5-step I-Message technique:

On October 1, 2011 from 16:00 to 18:00 I will conduct a webinar workshop on “I-message” , which will not only introduce you to all 5 steps of this formula, but will also help you in solving the above problems, step by step. step by step, exercise by exercise.

The cost of the webinar is not very high - only 300 rubles for 2 hours of workshop, under the guidance of an experienced psychologist. I will record the webinar and the recording can then be purchased, although the cost of recording the webinar will be much more expensive. In this way, I encourage active readers of my blog and subscribers who attend events and, with their questions, give me the opportunity to create new information products.

Webinar program I-messages:

5 components of the I-message, features of filling each step of the complete I-text formula.
Examples of using the I-message technique for special occasions in communication and life.
Self-therapy technique using I-message.
How to write a letter using the I-statement technique. Examples of the use of such letters.
How to end, end, or start a relationship with the 5 steps of an I-Message.
How to say goodbye to the deceased or “talk” to a loved one who has suddenly passed away.
How to prepare for an important conversation. 5 components of open communication.
Answers to questions from webinar participants.
Homework for webinar participants.

Bonuses for the webinar on the 5-step I-message technique:

1) Without actually attending the training, everyone who paid for the webinar will receive a recording of it (2 hours of psychological workshop) as a GIFT .

2) All webinar participants will receive my Consultation, worth 1500 rubles , on the content of the webinar as a GIFT.

3) All participants will receive a recording of the webinar “Models of Effective Communication,” worth 190 rubles (in reality, I conducted it for free) as a GIFT .

How to pay for a webinar if you don’t have e-money:

1) Get an electronic wallet if you don’t have one.

2) When paying, select “other methods”, go to your Robokassa account and select Single Wallet.

Proceed to purchase the webinar recording >>

In the comments to this article, write your questions about the upcoming webinar. Tell me what is stopping you from participating.

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Brief scheme of “I-statements”:

1. Communicating your feelings 2. Non-judgmentally describing the actions that cause these feelings 3. Describing desired actions in a positive way 4. Joining 5. Taking responsibility for your feelings 6. Describing your actions if the request is not met listen

So, the desired scenario for the development of events is when you softly and tactfully said: “I don’t like it when you leave without saying goodbye. Please, when leaving, tell me: “Darling, I went out for half an hour.” Or tell me the time after which you will return” - and your partner heard you, paid attention to your feelings, and began to look for constructive opportunities for interaction

. This, by the way, does not mean that he immediately immediately began to warn you every time - for some reasons of his own, this may turn out to be, say, inconvenient for him - but he, together with you, began to look for a way out of this situation and make counter-proposals . Well, something like “And if I don’t know in advance how long I’m going, let me just send you a text message that I love you and remember you so that you don’t feel lonely?”

But alas, this does not always happen. It often happens, especially if the relationship has a long history, that such a short form of statement can offend a person. The woman says: “I hate it when you leave without saying goodbye. Please let me know how long it will take for you to return." And at this moment the man’s bell rings all over his head, the red light comes on about how his mother didn’t let him go out, and instead of sympathizing with your loneliness, he begins to be indignant: “You control me!”

So what should we do then? Today we will consider optional items that are only for those closest and dearest.

It is for such cases, when you are dealing with a person dear to you, whose feelings you are inclined to spare, and whose cockroaches you give yourself the trouble to take into account, that the extended form of the “I-statement” is used, in which more points are added specifically for such sensitive natures “Accession” and “Taking responsibility for your feelings.”

4. Joining

What is an affiliation? In this case, we mean the message that “you and I are of the same blood, you and I,” “you and I are not enemies.” The wording may be different, but its essence is: “I’m not criticizing you by using this statement. I’m not attacking you, I don’t want to make you feel guilty, I’m just sharing my feelings.” The accession in this case should sound like this: “I understand that you did not want to offend me.” Or: “I understand that you were just in a hurry.” Or: “I understand that this is not a very important moment for you.”

Joining gives a person the opportunity to relax and not feel under the influence of criticism.

5. Taking responsibility for your feelings

To make your partner feel calmer, in cases where the interlocutor is dear to you and you want to spare his feelings, it is good to separately clarify that you take responsibility for your feelings. “I understand that you didn’t want to offend me, but that’s just the kind of person I am - I’m very uncomfortable when I’m left without warning.” Or: “After one painful experience, I have increased sensitivity to rejection.” Or for some other reason, you say, this particular aspect offends you, although, in general, you understand that he did not do this to deliberately offend you.

Here we can offer the following metaphor: when two people are walking somewhere together, and suppose a woman is uncomfortable with speed, she can not only say: “It’s hard for me to follow you so fast, please go slower,” but also suggest more detailed argument: “I understand that you are used to walking quickly, but I’m wearing heels.” Or: “My leg just hurts right now.” This is done precisely so that what is said does not look like a demand, because it is obvious that no one is obliged to adapt to us and walk the way we like.

But, in general, people who are determined to go together usually try to coordinate and synchronize with each other.

If, even after such a detailed argument, the second person says: “I don’t care what you feel” - this is probably also the answer that needs to be heard: “your feelings are indifferent to me.” And in this case, the ball is already in your court - the question is, what will you do with a relationship in which your partner does not care about your feelings?

An example of text-based self-therapy for psychological trauma.

Self-therapy with I-statements in writing is done in 3 stages:
STAGE 1. I-text to describe a traumatic situation (reality).
STAGE 2. I am a text for describing a new situation with a happy ending (imagination).
STAGE 3. Reproduction of a new situation in life (imagination + reality).

This method of self-therapy was discussed in more detail at a recent webinar; today I give an example of working with a traumatic situation of one of the participants:

Alexander, I don’t know whether this is correct or not. But I can say for sure that it worked!!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!!!! It worked already during the webinar! I was waiting for these days - suddenly the old feelings would return when thinking about that situation... NO! I look at it now, as if from the outside! Nothing rises in my soul - there is no resentment, self-pity, hatred of my ex-husband... I AM CALM! One would think that I inspired this into myself, but the man said that I suddenly changed: I became more confident, calmer, FREEER, my look changed... He knows that I am your fan! But he doesn’t know what we talked about. I think he knows better from the outside. He is probably the best “external expert”! And. The main thing is that he completely calmly accepted me for who I am!!! By the way, this is a DIFFERENT man!))) Not the one that was discussed in the summer, during the master group! In the old days, I would have closed myself off and not let anyone into my soul! It would take a long time to achieve me, and it’s not a fact that something would work out...))) THANK YOU, Alexander!!!!

STAGE 1.

Traumatic Situation: Underwent a complex operation. No forecasts. Followed by a difficult and long recovery period and strict restrictions for the rest of my life. The state of a living corpse. You can't move. There is complete darkness all around because both eyes are bandaged. The world is perceived only by ear. Persistent pain. Helplessness. Fear because I don’t know what will happen to me. The husband is the only one who is nearby, he is the link with this world. After talking with the doctor, having considered my situation, he throws out the words: “What are you even good for now? Who needs you now anyway?!” And he leaves.

Thoughts: Yes! Now, really, no one needs me like this!

Rating: My world has collapsed! The darkness around became viscous and tangible. Fear froze me to the point of numbness. It became impossible to breathe.

Desires: First: “I can’t believe he said that?!” Followed by: “I wish he wasn’t here!!! Never!!!"

Intention: My life is over, no more men! Now I will always be alone! I will survive on my own!!! I can handle everything!!!

STAGE 2.

Imaginary Situation: I was admitted to the hospital with a complex diagnosis. I was seen by a doctor who immediately treated me with attention and sympathy. He insisted on an operation that everyone considered futile. Attracted me with sensitivity, attention, care... And, most importantly, the desire to help. You could read warmth and participation in your eyes... Something that was so missing! The sympathy was mutual. After the operation, I stayed on unscheduled duty, sat by the bed, distracted me with conversations... I could hear the warmth in my voice... It enveloped..., instilled hope in my soul..., made me believe... When my husband came in the morning, he saw the doctor sitting on the edge of the bed and holding me hand. The husband is impulsive, quick-tempered, he easily falls into a state of anger, aggression, even rage... Instantly flaring up, he throws out the phrase: “Do you think he needs you? Who needs you like that now?! What are you even good for now?” And leaves!!!

Thoughts: NEEDED!!! I know it!

Rating: Life is just beginning! I am free!!! We are free!!!

Desires: I want to start my life over! With this man! Here and now!

Intention: I will live! With this man! Together, we can handle everything!!!

STAGE 3.

Partially described in the text of this Client’s review (see above).

If you want to know the details and master self-therapy techniques in detail, start attending my free and paid webinars - I still have a lot of useful and effective things in stock for you!

Write in the comments how applicable this technique is in your case, ask clarifying questions - I will be happy to answer them. Psychologist of Happiness.

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