For a girl who is too acutely experiencing a breakup with her beloved guy, it is useless to read lectures, call her to prudence, or say that she will have a whole carload and a small cart of such guys.
No arguments have any effect on most sufferers until they cry all their tears and give their parents a heart attack. They have one answer to all admonitions: I can’t forget him - period!
From the outside, especially through the eyes of adults, this suffering looks like a storm in a teacup, but some girls often really need serious psychological help. Read what psychologists advise in such a situation, how to forget a guy who decided to break up, and stop tormenting both yourself and your loved ones.
How it happens
If you can’t forget a person, and he often comes to mind and imagination. No matter what you do, you still continue to remember the wonderful moments that you experienced together, you rejoice at “that very song” that connected you.
You will never stop hoping until your mind accepts that there is no choice but to move on. If you can’t forget a person, it means he made an indelible impression, and the blow of his loss was so strong that quick oblivion is simply impossible. But what is the reason?
I can’t forget my loved one: what should I do?
The first thing you need to do is to understand whether you really want to forget your loved one, or are you going to return him and give your relationship a new round, and make the temporary separation the starting point for a new relationship. The second scenario is precisely the reason that you cannot forget your loved one: you simply don’t need it now.
But if a person has caused you severe pain, suffering, betrayed or cheated, and you are unable to forgive him and be with him without remembering what happened, if such a relationship burdens you, you really need to forget the person. But what if it doesn’t work out?
- First of all, show respect for yourself, stop tormenting yourself: you are a self-sufficient person, and not a shadow of the person you love.
- You will feel sorry for yourself, and that's okay. Just try not to feel sorry for yourself for too long - it's a bad feeling.
- Set yourself the goal of learning to live without him by challenging yourself.
- Don’t live in sweet memories of the carefree beginning of your relationship, don’t create illusions about their further development: you can’t get back what was, the reality turns out to be much harsher, and you’ve probably already had a sip of something bitter and felt the inappropriate attitude of your loved one towards you in this or that situation, since the decision was made to forget him. Are you ready to endure this all the time?
- Stop clinging to illusions and fictitious signs: you called to find out how you are doing, or wrote an SMS - this does not mean that he wants to return or that he needs you.
The possibility or impossibility of forgetting a person entirely depends on your acceptance or non-acceptance of the need to forget him.
From a psychological point of view
The reason why you can't forget a person after a breakup is your past, not that particular person. Most often the problem lies in self-esteem.
People who cannot let someone go usually have a history of parental abandonment or neglect. Later, as adults, they continue to look for love, but do not know how to build the right relationship. After all, no one had ever shown them how to do it.
Deep down there is a fear that no one else needs them, so such people are ready to hold on to any love they can get.
This perception is very different from the experiences of men and women who had loving, supportive, and emotionally available parents. These people have good self-esteem and will avoid relationships if they start to hurt.
Men and women whose feelings or needs were not addressed in their youth are more likely to seize every opportunity as adults. Often this is expressed in the fact that a person cannot forget an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend for a year or more, even if this relationship was not good.
While time is the best healer, if you can't get over someone, there are specific steps you can take to make the process easier.
Guide for girls: How to “forget” men and stay happy without a relationship
Of course, they are no longer considered witches, but in 2020, female loneliness is not the most respected state, do you agree?
In the eyes of popular culture, we are all in a predicament, writes Lucy Hancock in an article on Vice.
The thing is, being alone can be beautiful. Last night, after I finished my mousse, wiped away my crocodile tears, and stopped screaming into the darkness, I realized that the 20s are a great time to not be in a relationship.
Because now is not the time for drunkenly watching House of Cards or wiping down someone's peed on the toilet seat. Now is the time to get drunk on the street and fall off mopeds while your bones are flexible enough to knit back together.
Being single doesn’t mean attending all the bachelorette parties where only men are talked about; or have a legitimate interest in those glasses that hold an entire bottle of wine; or spend Valentine's Day at DixyChicken, sharing your sandwich with a pocket mirror. On the contrary, it can mean a lot of fun with friends and a carefree life without a guy dumping his shoes on your bed.
Here's our guide to making the best of what is too often considered a bad situation.
STOP NOT RECOGNIZING THE OBVIOUS
The first rule is to be honest. The guy at Domino's knows you live alone, so stop yelling, "The pizza has arrived!" to someone invisible in the apartment when the bell rings. You're lonely and that's okay; there is no need to make excuses either to yourself or to anyone.
A few other things to avoid: swearing allegiance to the “sorority,” quoting Beyoncé like she’s Gloria Steinham, and saying things like, “You can’t really have personal growth when you have a boyfriend, don’t you agree?” Can you hear that whistle? It's your fault: every time you say "I LOVE being alone" in a slightly shaky voice, somewhere in the world another portion of cannelloni-for-one is pulled out of the microwave.
Your friends are lying - men are not afraid of you. You just haven't found yours yet. And you won’t find it if you spend all your free time watching videos on Hulu and searching online Itsy stores. A candy bar won't fall into your lap, so stop telling bachelorette parties that it's better than sex. You're really confusing everyone.
Come out of your shell and have some fun. Unlike your aunts, I'm not saying that your uterus is going bad faster than a ripe avocado. I'm telling you that before you worry about becoming a wart-wearing old maid, you might want to remember that birth control exists for a reason. For example, you could meet people in nightclubs, have sex with those people, and then disappear after discovering a collection of hair around their belly button. And all this without fear that their offspring may grow inside us. Which brings us to...
CASUAL SEX
One of the joys of being a single straight girl is that if you want to fuck someone, chances are they'll want to fuck you too. This means you're free to enjoy a veritable smorgasbord of dicks. But remember, ladies: at any even the best feast, there will always be something spoiled - something that no one touched, for example, warm taramasalata. Whatever you do, don't put one of those warm taramasalat cocks in your mouth.
The first absolute cardinal rule of casual sex is to simply accept the fact that you are lousy for casual sex. If being a schlöndra makes you feel weird or sad, don't put pressure on yourself unless you want to end each night trying not to cry in the arms of a sleeping stranger.
Once you've reached this stage, the next step is to find a semi-sequential sex partner. I advise you to choose someone completely inappropriate and incredibly fat. Think about your girlfriends' ex-boyfriends, the part-time DJs, the Aussies. Remember, it’s common practice that these people have terrible bedrooms, furnished with MDF furniture, with mattresses without bed linen. Sex in a room like this is the same as sex in the corner of an empty Funyuns chip bag.
When you're in the bathroom getting an emergency shave with your roommate's razor, talk to yourself a little. Ask yourself this: Will I have an orgasm tonight? If you think not, send him away immediately, because you are ruining all feminism with your terrible make-up sex without orgasm.
"STAGE" FOR DATING
Do simple words give you goosebumps? Unfortunately, there is no way to announce that you are open to “casual dating.” The point is, you'll just have to start throwing piles of crap at the wall and hope some of it doesn't hit the fan. Most people who go on blind dates will be boring or have one annoying quality that doesn't show up in a profile photo, like a wobbly gait or a serious interest in acupuncture.
When it comes to dating apps, don't bother trying to be ironic and indifferent. It's like cocaine: everyone pretends to hate it, but still uses it all the time on the weekends. Give it up. Don't bare your arms. Sooner or later he will still notice your hands. Do not post photos of yourself in company on your profile. Nothing screams “Don’t date me!” more clearly than your faded appearance in a photo with six girls.
Once things start to click, you may find that dealing with a bunch of people can sometimes be quite intense organizationally. Before using some good old flirting. Other people's fathers are harmless. Or people whose job it is to flirt with you, like street fundraisers, Apple geniuses, or McDonald's managers. But be careful with how far it can go: I don't care how wet you got on the way home, never sleep with your taxi driver.
PEOPLE IN PAIRS
Any deviation from binge-watching Netflix and suggesting they go out for an evening run together is considered radical by the couples you know. Their appetite for adventure has been lost and all they want to do is talk about houseplants.
So if a couple who's been dating for a long time invites you somewhere and it sounds good, don't be naive: remember that the people in the couples are damn liars. They can't help the fact that their interests are different from the interests of your vagina.
Sometimes couples will spend time setting you up with single people within their reach. People in couples want to push you into bed. Of course, they don't want to watch your jaw move when the sun is already rising. They want to go home and have easy sex, for which you won’t even brush your teeth. And they want you to do the same so they don't have to "worry about you."
Remember, everyone knows that “worried about you” is a prerequisite for “I’m so unlucky in relationships.” And who will bring them to their senses when their boyfriend finds someone else to do his laundry? You.
MAKE THE RIGHT FRIENDS
“Best Friends” is great. These are the best people to carry sofas up the stairs, listen to your nonsense and tell you that you have snot in your hair. However, when you want sex, they are hopeless. Your best friend has been in a relationship for five years. She's basically already parked for life. Your promise to throw a party doesn't mean much to her.
No, what you really need are late-night friends. Such enthusiastic girls who can give you competition; they cover the body with glitter and put flowers in the hair. Those whom you have always hated, but who will drink a hundred grams with you, and whom you will hold by the hand at the holiday. Use her body glitter, flirt with her attractive male friends and, woman, show off your belly button while you can still wear tops.
This is a union of absolute convenience. It doesn't matter that you have nothing to talk about as long as you make peace signs in her human pyramid selfies. The best news is that your new shitty friends don't like you that much either, which is great because they won't be upset when you sneak home at 10:30 p.m. with the man who just played the bongos (or maybe and didn't play).
LOVE YOURSELF
Also, while you are alone, it is your God-given right to love yourself to a royal orgasm. God knows how long it took you to admit you were doing it, so just enjoy it. I changed the meaning a little, but I'm sure there are lines in the Bible like this: you can't love your neighbor until you love yourself. Or this: love yourself so that you can adequately explain to your neighbor how to love you more tenderly. (To be clear, we are talking about masturbation).
Having multiple orgasms in your single life is so normal that it's hard to understand why everyone is freaking out. Against the backdrop of all this, you would rather fall asleep than bang your head on the bed rails. But don't let anything get away with it. Don't let masturbation become so boring that you fall asleep while masturbating and wake up thinking that there's a lot less passion in everything than before.
Don't be that girl who goes too far. Nobody wants to hear about your games with yourself. Your vibrator may be more invigorating than the doorman at VodkaRevs, and it may cost a lot more than your blender, but don't get too friendly with your vibrating friend. Don't give him a name and don't start talking to him like you're a guest at a party, at the very least, because this will forever destroy your craving for human penis. A! Don't wash it yet and don't dry it with a shared dish towel because that's just rude.
ALONE TIME IS FUN
Surely by this point you are already enjoying time with yourself, or at least you should be already. Think about this: you don't have as much in common with anyone as you do with yourself. You're a great girl. You're the best. You are a great cook and your hair is springy. You are who you are.
Seize the moment, girl, because soon you will have to listen to someone else's dreams, count other people's moles and endure someone else's cough all night. You're doomed to meet someone and fall so stupidly in love that you spend the next five years saving up for a mortgage together. One day someone will ask you what your plans are for the weekend and force you to do something new with the sausage you bought from the supermarket. And we're not talking about sex - I'm talking about paella.
There's so much more to life than waking up and smelling the same scalp every day. Your energy channeled into new, exciting, weird, beautiful things is a valuable commodity that will deteriorate over time, so use it while it's in good condition. Think of it as a lottery, but instead of winning real money, you won the limited reserves of youth, beauty and sass.
Consider this stupid analogy: use paper before your family tells you what to do with it. Keep buying clothes from H&M even if you never learn. Wake up away from home with a grown man who still loves to skateboard. Say the word “cool” sincerely. Become a blonde for a while, look at the world through the eyes of another person.
Flirt with older men in high-end bars so they'll buy you expensive cocktails. Get gonorrhea. Eat the mousse. Do both at the same time. You can do whatever you want because you're young, single, and your only real responsibility is paying the contract for your broken iPhone. Go and go crazy before you're trapped in a joint bank account forever.
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Limit your contacts
In order not to think about your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend, you need to block him wherever possible and avoid all types of contact with this person. The more you see him, the harder it is for your mind to remove the memories associated with him or her.
Unfollow him or her on all social platforms where appropriate. Stay away from places that bring back memories. The saying “out of sight, out of mind” really holds true in this case.
How to distract yourself in order to forget your loved one?
The best ways to distract yourself to forget your loved one:
- Take care of yourself, your appearance or inner world - start visiting salons, clubs and sections, if you previously denied yourself this for the sake of or “for the benefit” of your dear relationships.
- Plunge yourself into sports or find an interesting hobby.
- Immerse yourself in work and become established in your specialty, become successful and in demand.
- Trying yourself in a new business, for example, opening your own small business , will fascinate you, and believe me, it will also become a source of pleasant income.
- Make time for friends, relatives - in general, everyone who was overshadowed by your former relationship.
- Go to a place you have long dreamed of visiting.
- After the period of grief has passed, go to places where you can meet interesting people, accept courtship and attentions from other men.
Say “No!” fantasies
Living in a fantasy land takes you away from reality. It's harsh, but the sooner you face real life, the easier it will be to move on away from the memories. If you can't forget your first love, it was undoubtedly a huge part of your life, but it no longer is.
If you can't forget someone, most likely you are still idealizing the other person, forgetting the bad and remembering only the good.
Make a list of five or ten hurtful things the person has said or done to you and read it as a prompt when you start to feel sad and idealize your ex. If you use this technique regularly, you will eventually say goodbye to the past.
How to forget a loved one: three simple steps
Step 1 is the most difficult: accept the fact that the relationship has broken down and you need to forget your loved one in order to be happy.
For some time you will still live in the past, remember the happy moments of your life or imagine what they could have been, dream of a future together and refuse to believe what happened. Accepting a broken relationship is difficult and very painful, but it must be done. Step 2 – don’t skimp on your emotions: you feel bad, offended, angry or sad. Show your pain, don't hide it from yourself and don't lie to yourself. Don’t hide your feelings in the depths of your soul, give them free rein: cry, be sad, break dishes, scream, tear the sheets, do everything to make you feel better.
Step 3 – talk about your grief. Whether it’s your best friend or a random travel companion, feel intuitively who you can “confess” to. Once will not be enough; talk about your problem as many times as necessary to make your heart feel at least a little better. Firstly, this will cause your wound to heal over time. Secondly, such a confession will teach you to trust people again. Thirdly, you can get truly valuable advice. Maybe you will never use them, but you will have the feeling that your problem is not indifferent, you will feel the quintessence of care, and this is so necessary at such a moment.
Having gone through all these stages, you will no longer feel acute pain and melancholy, which will be replaced by light sadness and this will mean reconciliation with the situation and a signal that you have managed to let go of the past.
Make peace with the past
The past will never bring you peace unless you make peace with it. Remember that if the good times are over, then the bad times must end too.
Ultimately, we all need to realize that the end of a relationship is painful, but it is only one part of life. Love is not the only thing that makes you want to get out of bed in the morning: your favorite job, hobby, friends, loved ones, etc.
Visualize
If you can't get over your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend, before you meet someone new, spend some time imagining what your next partner will be like. Think:
- What is his sense of humor?
- How tender should it be?
- How much do you want to have the same friends?
- Would you like him to play sports?
- Should he be a homebody? etc.
Imagine all these characteristics and you will begin to notice that you think less and less about your ex.
How to forget and let go of your beloved husband?
A husband is a person with whom you experienced many unforgettable moments, fell asleep and woke up in an embrace, lived together in everyday life and solved a lot of problems hand in hand, and, most likely, raised children... No matter what happens, he is a loved one for you, you have a lot in common, and of course, you won’t be able to forget about everything that happened between you in a few days. But we will try very hard to ensure that our advice helps you quickly quench the pain of separation and be able to start a new, happy and successful life.
- Remember its shortcomings . No, not those cute features of his that distinguished him from others, for which you adored him, but those that affected your relationship and prevented you from feeling happy. Remember that people do not change, but can only change temporarily to achieve their goal. He is not able to rebuild himself for your sake, can you continue to be burdened by such relationships, destroying yourself from the inside as a person, do you need this?
- Drive away from yourself the memories of happy moments spent with your husband, because now this is like salt in the wound for you. Remind yourself more often of the reason for the separation - constant quarrels, betrayal, betrayal, inappropriate behavior on his part, etc. This will help you realize that this life is not for you. It is constantly reminding yourself of the negativity in your relationship that will help convince yourself of the correctness of your decision.
- Don’t blame yourself for often making scandals and throwing tantrums: if the relationship came to nothing, then both are to blame, and that’s how it was necessary.
- Change your surroundings radically: go to the sea or go on another trip, for example, with an unmarried friend, allow yourself to relax and “look for adventure.” Such a vacation from family life will be an excellent anesthesia for you and will help heal emotional wounds.
- If vacation doesn’t work out, fill your day with activities to the last minute , schedule your time so that you don’t even have time to think about your ex-husband. When you come home from work, go straight to bed, because it is at night that we are visited by painful thoughts. If all else fails, sign up for seminars and trainings that will help you get distracted and tune in to the right wavelength, and let go of painful memories.
- Think about your long-forgotten hobby and take up it with renewed vigor, sign up for dancing or sports, in general, do everything possible to get your body and soul in order.
Drive away thoughts about how your husband lives now , whether he has a new relationship: don’t live his life, you have yours. Don’t try to immediately find a serious replacement for him - such a partner will very soon begin to irritate you. But accepting light advances and flirting with other men is good for self-esteem and health.
Love yourself
The power of self-love is extremely underestimated when you just can't get over your ex. When you focus on self-knowledge and self-love, no negative energy can affect your overall well-being. Gradually the heart will be happy enough to forget the sadness that bothers you.
Taking the time to work on your own emotional issues before you get into another relationship will make your next relationship better.
How long does the process take?
No one knows how long it takes to forget a loved one.
And here the strength of love does not matter, but completely different factors influence. People could live together for 10 years, and after a week not remember each other. Why is this happening? Three factors influence:
- The person does not accept the situation. You need to immediately realize that everything is over and turn the page. This is not a bad dream, the person will not come tomorrow. It hurts, but that’s how it is.
- Focus on the object. You need to occupy your thoughts as much as possible with other people, hobbies, and work. You should not go on social networks, carry photos with you, or re-read old correspondence. You need to reconsider three simple tips on how to forget a loved one. They are listed above.
- Reclusion. If a person is lonely, then bad thoughts will involuntarily return to him. We need to communicate. If friends and relatives don’t have time, you can go on a trip, change your environment, visit new places, and make new acquaintances.
The environment also has an influence. If there are sympathetic people around with pity in their eyes, you won’t be able to quickly and forever forget your loved one. You need to show yourself as an optimist who has crossed this stage of life.
