How painful the thought of betrayal is, only people who have experienced it know. The pain of betrayal is one of the most difficult and painful states a person can experience. But why does this happen? After all, no one died. And in most cases, the traitor is not even going to leave his wife; for him it was just an affair, a release. Why then do people feel so deeply about the fact that they have been cheated on? And is it possible to cope with the pain of betrayal?
How to forget your wife's betrayal and get out of depression?
First, try to understand that although depression is painful, treating it with medication or, God forbid, with alcohol are not the best methods. If you waste time, you will undermine your health, and your brain, which is switched off while taking the drugs, will return to its previous depressed state immediately after stopping them.
But a psychologist’s advice on how to survive betrayal is what you need now. At a time when a variety of thoughts come to mind: from suicide to cruel revenge on one’s own wife, only a specialist with a sober and objective look at the situation will help to avoid extremes and give special techniques for getting out of depression that will definitely work.
I myself turned to a good relationship specialist, Danila Delichev, when the same dark, joyless failure happened in my life. And many of his tips really worked, and the support in difficult times not only of a specialist, but also of a man like myself, quickly put me on my feet.
I still remember the advice I received then. And I will gladly share it with you.
Why are husbands afraid of cheating?
Public opinion is much more accepting of male infidelity than female infidelity. However, men themselves also tend to view their own extra-family hobbies as hobbies, and not as infidelity. However, precisely because of such a soft assessment of male adultery and, as a consequence, its greater acceptability for himself, a man often fears that a woman might behave in exactly the same way. Consequently, the man projects his actions and thoughts onto the woman, and is afraid that his fears may be confirmed. Men's fear of betrayal is rarely called that way. Often this fear is masked by jealousy. A man is jealous - he behaves aggressively towards his woman, thus he is engaged in preventing her from cheating. Let's consider why female fidelity is so important for a man.
Oddly enough, however, the male position “I can cheat - my woman can’t!” has serious historical justifications. If we turn to animal nature, we will notice that in order to realize the advantages of sexual selection, males strive for the maximum number of copulations; they, in fact, are fighters for the number of offspring; their ability to fertilize is almost unlimited. If a man is a carrier of a unique set of genes, for example, genetic immunity to the AIDS virus, then his task as a man, accordingly, is to leave as much genetic heritage on earth as possible.
Females in nature, having quantitatively limited fertility, strive for the highest quality of the offspring born. Because of this, they are the choosing subject, and, therefore, are interested in the maximum selection of potential partners. But then, when a partner has already been chosen, the quantitative change of partners no longer has a positive effect on the quality of the offspring. If a woman is the owner of any unique genetic information, then her task is to carry out the strictest possible selection of the applicant and not scatter herself any further, so as not to mix her genes with just anyone.
Another important point for a man: female fidelity eliminates doubts about the origin of the offspring. If a woman is caught cheating, then the probability that children are conceived by another partner is non-zero. There is a risk of supporting and raising someone else’s child, as well as losing genetic immortality.
Certain actions taken by mutual consent of the spouses can help prevent the fear of betrayal, and, consequently, betrayal itself. In its most general form, these actions might look like this:
1. Discussion of expectations before marriage (how much adultery is acceptable). 2. Creating variety in sexual life and maintaining emotional intimacy and emotional attachment of partners with each other. 3. Psychological support by partners for each other during a mid-life crisis. 4. Overcoming a consumerist attitude towards a partner.
Thus, despite the fact that the fear of a spouse’s betrayal has deep historical roots, it is possible to get rid of this fear thanks to your own ardent desire and a certain amount of effort made in this direction.
Tags: man and woman, betrayal, fidelity
What to do when you are “covered” with depression?
Firstly,
do not play hero and “iron man” alone, but sign up for a consultation with a psychologist. Only a specialist will help you find the best solution to your situation and quickly relieve stress.
Secondly,
Share your pain with your closest relatives. Family support is very important, do not neglect it in difficult times for you. In addition, at first it is better not to be alone with your bitter thoughts, but to be in a company that can cheer you up.
Third,
think about whether it is possible to forgive your wife’s betrayal and what were the true reasons for the betrayal? You need this not in order to make peace with her or, on the contrary, to blame for the rest of your life, but in order to understand the situation yourself, let it go and move on in life with a light heart. If you notice part of your guilt in what happened, this is a good reason to change your own behavior and not step on the same rake again.
Fourthly
, try the technique of “shifting attention” to another object. And it doesn’t necessarily have to be another girl. Quite the opposite - at first it is better to refrain from thoughtless connections on the side. You will be much more effectively distracted by playing sports, interesting leisure activities, going shopping with friends, going to the cinema, the circus, to a comedy show - in a word, to a place where you can draw a lot of positive energy from the action itself.
And most importantly, don’t focus on how to get out of depression after cheating. Just live, meet people you like, fill your schedule with activities and worries to the maximum. Then there will be no time left for dark thoughts at all. And one day you will notice that depression has quietly left you.
How to forgive your wife's betrayal: reasons for cheating
Women can cheat for completely different reasons. They are often drawn to the side because:
- they do not feel love from their half and are trying to build new relationships. Alas, some couples who have been married for a long time eventually realize that love and passion have passed, so the wives go outside in search of what they lack;
- they lack attention and affection from their husband. There are men who are completely and completely devoted to work, and forget that their wives are waiting for them at home. Those, in turn, from lack of attention and affection begin to cheat;
- lack of sex. This is also due to the fact that husbands do not pay enough attention to their wives and even stop making love to them;
- they want to assert themselves. Some representatives of the fairer sex, wanting to prove to their husbands and themselves that they are desirable, commit adultery;
- love their new partner. It happens that women start relationships on the side and fall in love with their lovers.
In general, there are many reasons for cheating, but what if the wife wants to return to the family after this? As practice shows, women forgive men for infidelity much more often than men forgive them. For most women, family is the most important thing, so they do not want to lose it, especially if there are children who need a father. In this case, men think differently; for them, betrayal is a big blow to pride, which few can accept. If a man loves his wife more than himself, then he will forgive her for her weakness.
Saving a family after betrayal is quite possible if there is love and a strong desire to be together.
What to do to get your husband to forgive you for cheating
There are many families where husbands forgave their wives after infidelity and lived happily. If love is stronger than resentment, then the man will accept his wife back into the family. Moreover, some are even ready to accept the fact that their wife is pregnant from someone else. Of course, this is very rare, but it does happen.
It is unlikely that cheaters will be able to achieve quick forgiveness. You need to give your husband time to think about the situation and make a decision. In no case should you put pressure on your partner or blame him for instigating the betrayal, since this will definitely not achieve forgiveness. In order to be forgiven, you need to:
- admit that you have committed a disgusting act;
- ask for sincere forgiveness;
- show your husband your love and that he is the only person you need;
- forget forever the person you cheated on and don’t even dare communicate with him;
- understand how your loved one feels and repent.
How can I not think that my wife is cheating on me?
Hello Alex!
Your question resonated greatly with the site and caused almost a “storm” of feelings, thoughts and words, some of which I can share with you, and you, if you want, can use them to reflect on your situation.
I’m from a port city, my friends and relatives are connected with the sea and I know what hard work it is. And I also know how important it is for a sailor to have a reliable harbor on the shore, where they wait, love, appreciate, accept and will not let you down!
Now let's take a little look at your situation. You are an adult, self-sufficient man who knows how, and most importantly, wants to provide for his family. Your wife, if I understood your situation correctly, is 12 years younger than you, loves you very much, gets along with your mother, but for some reason, with all her love for you, she has already managed to cheat on you four (four!, Karl!) times, but she repented to you and you forgave her.
I understand your feelings! When you love a person, it is so easy to be generous and forgive him his small mistakes, especially when he is young. And in truth, a young, wealthy woman, not burdened with children or big worries, has absolutely nothing to occupy herself with while her husband earns a comfortable living through hard work God knows where. Boredom is the wrong thing to do. Just think, I changed it four times! Now, if it were eight, or, for example, twelve, then indeed, this is already a betrayal, a stab in the back!
Sorry it came out so sarcastic! I couldn't resist. But how much more evidence do you need that the person next to you is not the one you can trust? For some, once would be enough. But, perhaps, you yourself do not take very good care of yourself on flights, which is why for you this is of such global importance in proving feelings and trust between you. They say that a sailor has a wife in every port! Maybe this is about you?
I think that for some reason you lack confidence that you deserve to be loved and respected not only because you earn good money, but because you simply deserve it. And it is absolutely clear that the thoughts that your wife will cheat on you with someone on the shore will still haunt you all your life, since it will be very difficult for someone who has already been betrayed once to believe that everything will be different with a traitor.
So, I think, in order to get rid of such thoughts at sea, it is better to make sure that a person worthy of your trust and your love is waiting for you on the shore. And along the way, it would be good to understand that, from such a large experience of temporary relationships, you were not able to understand about the feelings of your partner and her true motives for her desire to become your wife. Maybe you are not ready for a “serious and long-term” relationship, but are continuing the temporary experience you already know. Then you shouldn’t blame your partner for the fact that such a scenario is also present in her life. It’s just that now, as a temporary partner, you suit her more than she suits you, because you have a corresponding schedule. So you don’t have to “endure” every day without rest and lunch break. But your rhythm will not always be this way. And how can you get along together later, when there are no breaks in your relationship for flights that are so necessary for both of you?
For me, what is important in a person is not only the feelings that he or I have for him. Something else is important between us, which makes it possible to appreciate each other and be faithful to each other even when we are apart. Although, everyone has their own values. Check this issue with yours and I assure you, the answer to your question will definitely appear.
Best regards, Elena Gladkova
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You talk to her and you solve the problem together.
If you don’t really like the option of remaining silent, and you want to throw out all your emotions and resentment, you can talk to her directly.
Remember that this should be a calm and dignified conversation without accusations or insults.
Your goal is to find out with her all the priorities in your family, rebuild the relationship, start with a clean slate.
Explain that the betrayal hurt you greatly, but you want to improve the situation. Ask her what doesn’t suit her about your couple and your behavior. You will be able to understand and listen to her better after a frank conversation.
Most likely, you were missing out on a lot of things that were important to her. And don’t delay changes, be for her the man she wants.
Everything is very individual in each couple, and I cannot assume exactly what she will answer you. But if you decide to be honest, speak to her directly and openly. Be ready to rebuild what has begun to crumble.
Do not move away from her during this period. I understand that your pride is greatly hurt. But don’t be cold with her, don’t act as if you are strangers. On the contrary, surround her with warmth, attention and care. So that she understands how much you love her.
