Perhaps everyone has wondered at least once in their life whether their marriage is successful. The reasons may be different: bad mood, incorrect behavior of the husband, fatigue, alcoholism of the other half, troubles with relatives, new love. As psychologists prove, once this thought has settled in your head, it becomes more and more difficult to evict it each time. And now the decision has been made, but how can I tell my husband about the divorce so that he understands that this is not a joke, not blackmail, not a whim, but a completely justified demand? It all depends on what the fair sex wants to get in the end.
How to part as friends
There are several rules for how to tell your other half about your divorce. By adhering to them, you can get by with little loss and after some time remain friends:
- calmness is above all;
- leave mutual accusations and grievances in the past;
- forgive my husband;
- speak calmly;
- take care of your own safety.
It is quite difficult to follow these rules, especially if you have lived with your husband for a long time and he is not such a bad person. This is why you should prepare in advance.
Down with nerves: preparing for a conversation
It is very difficult to report such news, since the response can be anything. Do not react to tears, screams, pleas. Once the decision has been made, don't take a step back. Otherwise, it’s more like blackmail, which is quite wrong. Before an unpleasant conversation, you can drink a mild sedative, but you should not rely on alcohol or drugs. This definitely won't lead to anything good.
It is better to prepare your speech in advance. Even though everything will not go according to plan, it is better to know what to talk about than to remain silent in response to his reproaches. You should answer the following questions for yourself:
- When was the decision made? It is necessary to explain that the thought of divorce did not creep into your head by chance, you were thinking about it. No accusations or soap operas, just dry numbers and facts.
- Is there a lover? Nothing humiliates a representative of the stronger sex more than the presence of a second man in his woman’s life. If mortal resentment and jealousy are not needed, it is better to answer no. Otherwise, a scandal cannot be avoided.
- What is the reason for divorce? In this case, the answer depends on the problem that exists in the family.
The list may be endless, but a representative of the fair sex, who has been married for more than one month, must guess what her husband will ask about. More self-confidence, less tears and weakness.
How to prepare for a conversation with your wife
Before informing your wife about the planned divorce, you should carefully prepare. It is important that she is the first to know about her husband’s decision. If information leaks from outside sources, this will only make the situation worse. There are rules that will help you properly prepare for a conversation:
- You need to finally make sure that the decision you made is correct.
- It is worth getting rid of the feeling of guilt.
- It is necessary to think about the practical side of the process.
- It is worth choosing a suitable time when nothing will distract from the conversation.
You need to be firm in your decision, but you should not concentrate on the negative aspects of marriage. This will increase determination, but can turn the divorce message into a heated argument.
READ I don’t want to divorce my wife: what to do to return my beloved to the family
No insults, nagging and disappointment
Oh, he’s so bad, he doesn’t provide for his family, he doesn’t look after the children, he drinks, hits, smokes, walks around, cheats. You should calm down and think about what will happen if you start telling him the truth right away? Firstly, you can hear a lot of unpleasant things about yourself. Secondly, it will cause aggression. Any reproach will receive the answer that the wife herself is to blame. And this leads to unnecessary nerves, deterioration of well-being, and so on down the list.
You need to learn to forgive. It's actually difficult to do. Everything that was said and done in the past must remain there. Otherwise, it will not be possible to talk about divorce, but there will be an ordinary scandal. The consequences of such a drama can be sad - from hospital to prison. But safety in this case comes first.
Before reporting a divorce, you should think about what to do after it, where to go and what to do.
It’s better to rent a house in advance, transport some of your things there, and set aside a small amount for a couple of months. If you have children, it is better to agree with the grandmothers that the kids will live with them. It is better for unemployed women to find a job with a stable income. And just before the conversation, you definitely need to warn your family and friends that they should be nearby (behind the door, in another room, on the landing). A man in a state of passion can be aggressive and do something that you would not expect from him.
What you need to be prepared for when talking to your wife
You shouldn’t expect your wife to breathe a sigh of relief after announcing the breakup. Even if this is a mutual decision, the process will still have traumatic consequences. If you prepare yourself in advance for possible reactions, the dialogue will be constructive and moderately calm. You need to prepare for the following scenarios:
- spouse's refusal to divorce;
- persuasion;
- threats and blackmail.
It is necessary to explain to the wife that the decision is irrevocable and final. To do this, you must stand your ground. Often women oppose such an initiative, trying to prevent divorce by all available methods.
If the spouse refuses to consent to divorce, the man has two options. The first is to convince her of the need for such a step, using arguments. In the dialogue, the spouse will use her arguments to convince her husband. We need to prepare counterarguments for the conversation. If this fails, then it is worth considering the option of terminating the relationship through the court.
READ Stress after divorce: how to cope with depression
The most common scenario is threats and blackmail. Wives who do not want to divorce manipulate and blackmail with children and property. It will not be possible to have a constructive conversation and reach a compromise, so you should act exclusively within the legal framework. It is necessary to involve specialized lawyers to resolve legal relations and achieve fair court decisions.
Voicing a decision is a crucial step towards divorce, so it takes preparation, determination and courage. If you start thinking about everything in advance, you can avoid many troubles during the separation process.
Promises and reality: should you trust a man?
Whatever the reason for divorce, in most cases husbands will try to keep their significant other. Perhaps the husband still loves his wife. But even if the feelings have not passed, it is unlikely that a representative of the stronger sex will allow him to leave him first. But you shouldn’t make him the first to make such a decision. He is unlikely to do this, especially if his wife is the breadwinner, if he has poor self-esteem, or has bad habits. What will he do? That's right, beg your wife to change her mind.
It should be understood that men rarely change. He drinks, hits, doesn't work? Even if he becomes encoded, stops giving up and goes to work for the good of society and family, where are the guarantees that he will change? Therefore, if you don’t know what to say, you should say that there is no more faith. And let the person first change his lifestyle, and then he can think about something further.
If even the slightest weakness is shown, nothing can be done. A man will press for pity and beg. Tell yourself a firm no. You can't wait for a miracle, it won't happen. And only when a woman understands this, she will not care what her husband says.
Reasons for divorce
If everything is fine in the family, how to tell your husband about divorce? There is no need to come up with something supernatural, just say that you don’t agree on temperament. Today this is a fairly serious reason for divorce. What does this mean? In simple words, the husband’s character is not suitable for the wife, and the wife’s character is not suitable for the husband. She is an activist, a Komsomol member, a beauty, goes hiking, loves to spend time in clubs, while he sits at home on the couch watching TV or playing on the computer. This is exaggerated, but the example is quite correct.
The next reason, which doesn’t even need to be discussed, is the infidelity of the spouse. If he cheated on his wife or spends whole evenings disappearing into nowhere, and comes in the morning with the smell of women's perfume, nothing can be done about it. It’s enough to talk about divorce, cheerfully waving the statement in front of your spouse’s nose. Even if it hurts and hurts later, in his eyes it is better to remain a cheerful person who doesn’t care that her husband cheated on half the city. And that’s only because the other half is old or too young. Otherwise, humiliation and mutual mudslinging are guaranteed.
If treason is proven, that’s one thing. But what to do if a representative of the fair sex only suspects her husband, but there is no reason? Just to say that there is no trust in the family. And without trust you can hardly build a social unit. Calmly explain that your nerves are more valuable, so you don’t want to go through his phone, mail and pockets, looking for evidence. Women's intuition is a rather interesting thing; it is unlikely that an adequate lady would suddenly begin to suspect her husband of something like that.
The next thing that can be said is fatigue. Everyday life is a thing that has never brought anyone any good. If, looking in the mirror, a representative of the fair sex sees a tired woman who should have had her nails and hair done long ago, something needs to be changed. What is most interesting is that in this case it is the wife who is made to blame. It’s worth thinking about, hasn’t a man seen how his significant other is rapidly gaining weight? That she ran out of nail polish long ago and wears an old robe at home? It is unlikely that a wife will let her husband leave the house if he looks like a man who spent the night in the entrance for three days.
Another reason is career. If the husband has long stopped developing, and the wife climbs the career ladder every day, the collapse of the marriage cannot be avoided. But one should not tell a man that he is passive and does not strive for anything. This will only humiliate him. It is better to explain that the outlook on life has become too different, and the time when it was possible to return something has passed. About 5 years ago.
There are also the opposite situations - when the wife sits still, and he is already the boss. In this case, you will have to explain that you absolutely do not want to be in the shadow of a more successful spouse.
When is divorce necessary?
Today, every second couple in Russia separates. This trend is associated with softening morals, in contrast to previous years, the desire to be happy and the reluctance to go through difficulties together. Divorce is a fine line between selfishness and love, when the husband does not want to torment his wife with his presence and cold attitude, if the family is no longer a full-fledged and happy unit of society.
After everything we've been through together, it's extremely difficult to separate. But there are good reasons for such thoughts.
- Mismatch of characters, different views on life with her husband
- Alcoholism and other harmful habits of the missus that the husband does not want or can no longer put up with
- Treason, on the part of both
- The feeling that the husband is under his thumb, constant jealousy and all kinds of prohibitions on the part of the spouse
- Unwillingness to take into account the opinion of a loved one, to pity and cherish him
- Wife's inability to manage housework and raise children
- An important factor is sexual relationships. Often a husband files for divorce if he does not receive the affection he needs, as well as intimacy. In this case, the husband should tell about it earlier, without leading to a divorce.
It is worth going for a divorce if there is no point in a wife cohabiting with her husband as if they were acquaintances. When love has passed, it is better to do something rather than ruin each other’s lives by showing more and more aggression and hatred.
It is possible to part as friends only when the separation was not prolonged and did not develop into a subconscious long-term conflict. After this happens, only resentments and misunderstandings remain.
Help from a psychologist: contact a specialist
In fact, it is more difficult for a woman to go through a divorce than for a man. A representative of the stronger sex will be able to find a replacement already on the third day, causing irritation to his ex-wife. If this does not happen, the fair sex will begin to feel guilty, apathy and melancholy will appear. In any case, you cannot do without the help of a specialist.
It is better to contact a psychologist in advance if a woman has already decided to divorce, but has not yet submitted documents and not informed her husband. A psychologist will help her figure it out and tell her how to get out of a particular situation with dignity. As a result, the procedure will be less painful. What is important is that this way you will be able to avoid depression, scandals and other problems that couples face during a divorce.
It is especially difficult to get a divorce if there are children in the marriage. There is no need to be with a man just because your son (daughter) needs both parents. Having seen enough of a mother who tolerates her husband only because of the child, the children will behave in the same way. This does not exclude the possibility of anger and resentment among children in the future.
Divorce process
Before taking such a decisive step, you should think things over. Divorce is too important a decision, which cannot be reached simply out of boredom or resentment towards a loved one. If this option came to mind during or after a quarrel, calm down, give yourself the opportunity to think about everything in a normal state.
After that, think again. Are you sure that your heart wants such an act? Then you need to tell your wife about this, and together decide what to do next. Does she agree to divorce her husband? After her answer, you need to move on.
If yes, you need to collect certain documents and bring them to court. Childless families who have no claims against each other are divorced not in court, but in the registry office, without the presence of lawyers. All other couples are required to separate through the courts.
It is a little more difficult when the wife does not divorce her husband. In this case, you need to submit the documents yourself and wait for the court hearing. The first time the wife has the right not to come, but at the second court hearing, the marriage will be dissolved without her participation and the opportunity to resolve the dispute in her favor.
If friendship is not the goal
It often happens that a woman not only wants to get a divorce, but also dreams of the man leaving her life forever. In this case, you should talk about divorce a little differently: more harshly, without sparing feelings and emotions. At the same time, you should remember your own safety. You can inform about the decision by phone without coming to the meeting, especially if the husband is a despot, a tyrant and an incredibly dangerous person.
Suffice it to say that he is tired of him, so a divorce is needed. Why explain that you no longer want to endure humiliation, beatings and other problems. The man will fall into a stupor - this is inevitable; it will be quite difficult for him to understand why his wife made such a decision. If he is a weak person, a death threat may follow. Then he will have to temporarily move to a place where he will never find it. There must be people nearby who are stronger than him.
Often husbands try to pressure their pity with threats to take their own lives. In this case, it is better to warn his relatives and friends that he has decided to kill himself. But even if he decided to do this, he should not throw himself on his knees, begging for forgiveness. This is chantage! It is better to ignore such an attempt. And be sure to contact a psychologist so that he can explain that this is not the wife’s fault.
What to write to your wife
These were just a few examples of text messages that extinguished mutual attraction. You are probably convinced that you should not use them from personal experience. So let's move on to the messages you should write to your wife. Believe me, if they are properly decorated, adding a piquant touch, it can diversify your married life.
Important! Please keep in mind that the messages we will discuss may not apply to all cases. If, for example, you and your wife are in a tense relationship and don’t talk to each other at all for a period of time, then you still shouldn’t send such messages right now.
But if you use the right texts wisely, they will do wonders for your marriage. So, four text messages to help spice up your relationship.
"Imagination"
This message will force your wife to use her imagination. She can experience many emotions from just a few lines. Let me give you examples right away.
You can write something like: “I can’t wait to meet you. Can you imagine how amazing it will be to be in my arms tonight?”
Do you think this sounds frivolous?
Believe me, these basic things can really captivate your wife. And of course, these messages do not apply in all cases. Use your own imagination to write messages . You probably have something to say to your beloved. Think about your and her desires, hint at something good and pleasant... This will not just provide your wife with a good mood and anticipation of a meeting after a working day. This will help revive intimacy, even if it has become mundane. By the way, here you can find some more tips on this topic. Don't use them if you want to bring the spark back into the relationship.
"Gratitude"
It's no secret that many of us quickly get used to it and begin to take our wives for granted. If you have been married for a long time, then you are less and less likely to remember why you decided to get married. The intention of the Gratitude message is to make sure your wife knows how much you appreciate her. Like no one in this world.
Let's move on to another example. You could write something like, “I may not say this as often as I should, but I need to say how much I appreciate you being there for me when I need you. This is one of the reasons why I married you."
Again, tailor your messages based on your personal situation. Think about what you really value in your wife and simply tell her about it. This is not only pleasant to hear, it is also very romantic. And romance, as you know, is the key to success if you want to refresh your relationship.
Therefore, this kind of messages will help not only improve, but also strengthen your relationship, and even protect it from cheating. After all, if your wife knows how much you love and appreciate her, she will not look towards other men. If you want, take note of a few more secrets that will help maintain fidelity. You can find them here.
"Long Term Memories"
This message is designed to make your wife remember particularly vivid events from the past and relive them. By making her focus her attention on these nostalgic memories, you will not only increase her feelings of attraction towards you, but will also encourage her to continue making good memories together.
So, let's move on to examples: “Remember when we were in Paris and we went on that cruise on the Seine? I will never forget how amazing you looked in that blue dress!”
Remember, you must craft your own message based on your current situation. Surely you have many pleasant memories together. It's always interesting to remember something good with your loved one and experience it again together.
What to discuss during a divorce
The divorce petition is in court. What else do you need to talk about with your future ex-spouse? The first is children. It should be discussed that you should not pull the baby's strings, using him as a thing for manipulation. Mom and dad are good, they just need to live separately - that’s what both spouses should say, no matter how much they hate each other.
Next is who the children stay with. By law, they will be with the mother, but the father can sue to have the child stay with him. It is better to give reasonable arguments than to prove to strangers that you are worthy of raising a son or daughter. You need to explain to your husband that he will be able to see the child on certain days, go for walks with him, take him overnight, and so on according to the list. This applies to those cases when the father is not a bad person, and not in the understanding of his wife, but in a social sense. That is, if the husband drinks, abuses drugs, often raises his hands against children, and brings unknown persons into the house, he will still have to go to court.
The property issue plays an important role. Living in a marriage, a man can be ideal, but as soon as he realizes that his wife is leaving him, he can change dramatically. Therefore, it is better to give all documents for an apartment, car, etc. to a lawyer in advance. A preliminary consultation will not hurt. And you don’t have to tell your husband about this right away; first listen to his point of view.
Useful tips
To make it easier to say about your decision, do not resort to threats and scandals. Speak calmly, try to tell your wife how dear she and the children are to you, but there is no turning back. That everyone deserves happiness. Be sure to mention that you will not abandon your offspring and will help them in every possible way. Divorce does not mean the destruction of the family as such. After it, many continue to communicate, albeit not immediately.
Explain to the child that it is not her fault. Parents have chosen their own path, which should not upset the kids.
Just in case, change passwords on your websites, social pages, etc., codes on your bank card, and make copies of documents in advance. Some girls can do stupid things out of anger or despair.
Regardless of whether the wife gives a divorce or not, the list of required documents is as follows:
- original marriage certificate
- child's birth certificate (a notarized copy is sufficient)
- statement of claim with attachments (in several copies)
- passport
- original receipt for state payment. duties of 400 rubles
Additionally, an extract from the house register between the wife and her husband and a marriage contract may be required.
If the wife agrees to divorce her husband, the court also provides:
- agreement on division of property (if any)
- previously drawn up agreement on children
- statement of consent to dissolve the union
What not to do when filing for divorce
There are a number of mistakes that women make after they file for divorce. Among them are:
- Sexual contacts with husband. Intimate relationships are a taboo for those who are or have become exes. In this way, the wife can hurt her husband, who will think that you have improved the relationship.
- Cry. Now a representative of the fair sex simply does not have the right to cry in the presence of her husband. Tears are weakness, which means it should be pitied. Complaining doesn't lead to anything good.
- Throw a tantrum. There is no need to blame him for all conceivable and unimaginable problems. In any divorce, both are to blame.
- To take revenge. Whatever the reason for divorce, revenge is the last thing a wife should think about. In no case should you cheat, take all things from the house, or ask your friends to meet your spouse in an alley.
- Talk about your husband's potency. Problems with sex also often become the cause of divorce, especially if it does not exist or happens so rarely that it is impossible to remember when it happened. But remember that intimate life is something that you definitely don’t need to touch. The male ego is very vulnerable!
- Dating openly with others. It’s better to wait a while, get a divorce calmly, and only then introduce the new young man to your friends. If a woman still has another, you can meet in places where they definitely won’t be noticed.
- Discuss it behind the scenes. No matter how bad it is, you don’t need to tell your friends, acquaintances, or relatives about it. This only makes things worse for you, because by insulting your ex, you are not putting yourself in the best light.
- Follow his life. As soon as spouses divorce, they become strangers. Who they are with, where they are - this no longer concerns either the husband or the wife. A woman should not follow her ex-husband, ask what he is doing, who is the blonde with whom he was seen yesterday.
Basic rules of conduct
Next, you should adhere to the following tips:
- Don’t shy away from counter questions, answer them clearly and specifically. Don’t shout that you’ve decided to get a divorce; you shouldn’t pack your things and leave right away either. And even more so, ignore your wife’s attempts to talk to you. Don't run from the problem, but solve it.
- An ideal place for a conversation is an embankment, a bench in a park, a clearing by a river. In this case, you will, on the one hand, be alone, and on the other, the place will be crowded, which can protect you from violent scandals. Think about where your wife will be more comfortable. You should not have a conversation with her at work, in a restaurant, or in front of children.
- The optimal time for conversation is lunch. It is during this period that a person is most ready to perceive information. There is no need to do this in the morning, so as not to ruin the whole day; also, the evening is not the best option, since your wife is unlikely to be able to sleep.
- Whatever one may say, your wife is not a stranger to you, you have been together for many years, so do everything to maintain friendly relations.
- If your wife reacted adequately to your decision and agreed to a divorce, then you can immediately begin discussing the details of the division of property and raising children. If there is hysteria and denial, then you should give your spouse time to cool down and return to the conversation later. Consult with a divorce lawyer to determine the best course of action for you.
- Do not share this information with friends or relatives. First, talk to your wife, it will not be very good if she finds out about your intentions from someone else.
If the wife does not want to agree to a divorce, start the process unilaterally. There is no way around this without lawyers.
Divorce: what to do next
After the husband finds out about the upcoming divorce, there is still a lot to go through. You should not hide from your friends that the marriage is over. At the same time, it is better to answer questions like this: he is a good person, but they do not get along in character. In this case, the fair sex will receive the support she needs without any questions asked. Those who are especially curious should be immediately besieged: what is the purpose of such curiosity about someone else’s personal life? This phrase will definitely scare away such people.
You need to talk only with those in whom you have high trust. It’s difficult to keep emotions inside, especially if he offended you. It’s great if a representative of the fair sex joins a gym and goes in for sports in order to throw out all the anger, and not hide it inside. Any aggression requires an outlet, otherwise you can lead yourself to a nervous breakdown.
Next, the woman should start eating right, buy good clothes, and go to a psychotherapist. Having told your spouse about the divorce, it should not turn into something that you cannot look at without tears. Otherwise, everything in life will not go as we would like.
Is a divorce necessary?
Before a spouse decides to file for divorce, she must understand why she needs it, what she wants to achieve by breaking up with her partner once and for all. It often happens that this is just plain tiredness. Therefore, you need to relax a little by going on vacation for a couple of weeks alone or with friends.
But no holiday romances or wild holidays! This will only have a worse effect on the psychological state and demoralizes. It's ideal to spend your days on the beach, sunbathing in the sun, if it's summer. Or skiing from the mountain slopes if it's winter. There can be many options. The main thing is to go without children.
At this time, you can just think about how to tell your spouse about the divorce. In this case, the main parameter should be how the woman would like to be told about the breakup of the marriage. In this case, it will be easier to convey such unpleasant news.
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In modern families, divorce is not considered something terrible. If a crisis has arisen in a relationship that can no longer be corrected with the help of psychological consultations, the husband or wife is obliged to speak honestly about it and file for divorce. What to do if your significant other has finally decided and wants to get a divorce? How to behave with your husband if he is about to leave? What should I tell my wife in this case? How to live after and what to do if the wife does not give a divorce? Let's understand the intricacies of parting together.
