My wife took a lover, what should I do? Where can you meet your lover if you are married? Hamit means he doesn’t love

Marriage between a man and a woman is a kind of contract between both parties for mutual cooperation, friendship and mutual assistance, concluded voluntarily by persons who have reached the age of majority and do not have medical or any other contraindications to this. Whether this contract is indefinite or is subject to some temporary restrictions is a question each couple decides for themselves individually. It happens that the decision on the duration of the contract is made at the stage of its conclusion, but it also happens that life makes its own adjustments and people, over time, change the initially made decision regarding the duration of their marriage exactly the opposite.

Why does the desire to change arise?

Women have a much harder time deciding to cheat. If this happens for the first time, then a woman may hesitate for a long time before she starts dating someone. Why does a woman want to cheat? This needs to be known not only for men who want to understand their own mistakes, but also for women who do not understand the motives for their behavior:

Selfishness and the desire to satisfy one's desires. As already mentioned, if the official spouse does not give a woman what she urgently needs, then she will endure for a long time. However, at some point in her life, a man will appear who will offer her to satisfy her desires. And then she won’t be able to resist. Even if she hesitates at first, sooner or later she will not stand it. A woman whose desires are not satisfied by her husband will give in to her lover's proposals.
Sexual satisfaction. In rare cases, a woman gives in to the sexual impulses of another man. However, if there has been no sex between spouses in the family for a long time, or the husband satisfies only his physiological needs, ignoring the desires of his wife, then she may succumb to temptation. However, this decision will not be spontaneous. At first the wife will be hesitant.
Cooling of feelings. There are also couples who live with each other, but have not been in love for a long time. Passion, love, affection had long since disappeared between them. They are rather united by habit and an established way of life, when they practically do not interfere with each other. However, a woman cannot live without feelings. She needs emotions, affection, love, compliments and various pleasant confessions. If a man appears on her horizon and begins to show feelings for her, she will not be able to resist.
Cheating spouse. In relationships that last long enough, husbands often begin to cheat. They are already bored with sex with their wives, they also don’t get something in the relationship, they are just tired of everyday life and family problems. If wives know that their husbands are cheating on them, then they themselves may soon begin to go to the left.
Resentment towards husband. Often husbands are authoritarians or tyrants who humiliate and abuse their wives in various ways. Such ladies can accumulate resentment inside against their husbands. However, they may soon get tired of doing all this, so they will go to the left.

A woman can also decide to cheat when she has already broken up with her husband in her head. Not all marriages will last forever. Spouses cannot always live in such a way that their basic needs and desires are realized. If the relationship between the spouses is very strained, is breaking down and will soon come to its end, then the woman can begin to prepare “favorable soil” for herself, on which she will land when she becomes free. Thus, a lover is needed not for temporary satisfaction of one’s desires, but for a permanent relationship. If this desire is mutual, then a woman should not be ashamed of having taken a lover while married, if she already intends to leave her husband and go to a new lover.

What are the risks of exposure?

A woman should be attentive and careful while she is dating her lover. If she doesn't want to be exposed, then she needs to think through every step. First you should start by understanding for yourself whether you really need a lover. If you love your husband, want to be with him, and simply have problems that are pushing you to cheat, then it is better to take care of your official relationship, and not aggravate the situation with betrayal.

If a woman decides to cheat, then she must protect herself, otherwise discovering the truth threatens many things: the husband can deprive the woman of support, divorce her, take away her property, if possible, etc. If you have already decided to cheat, then constantly keep your head on. If you start having your head in the clouds or being happy for reasons that are unclear to your husband, then you will definitely give yourself away.

To avoid exposing yourself, follow these recommendations:

Don't change your behavior. Since you started dating your lover, you will not be home for some time. This time should be insignificant and completely justified: either you are at work, or you went away for a couple of hours to see your girlfriends, etc.
Don't change your attitude towards your husband. If you nag your husband, then you should continue to nag. If you loved your husband, then you should continue to love. Your behavior towards your husband should remain unchanged.
Change your appearance with your husband. Since having a lover makes you naturally want to put yourself in order, be beautiful, and update your wardrobe, then involve your husband in this process. Tell them that you realized how they have gained weight over the years of family life and how they have become dull, and that you have decided to take care of yourself. Offer to start going to the gym together, help you choose new clothes, buy you new cosmetics, etc. Your husband will refuse many offers, which is good. Your lover may give you gifts in the form of new clothes or cosmetics, as well as a gym membership, saying that you bought all this with your own money.
Don't take your lover home. This is strictly prohibited. Firstly, your husband may catch you. Secondly, your neighbors might see you and tell your husband everything. Thirdly, your husband may suspect that a stranger is in the house and start asking you questions or watching you. Fourthly, a lover may fall in love with you and, in order to win you away from your husband, he will come to your home.

Forbidden Territory

It would seem that if I am married and want to have a good lover, then there is nothing easier than choosing him from my own environment, but this is a trap! Just think: having started, for example, an office romance, we initially agree to the risk of exposure or, worse, blackmail. A colleague may spill the beans about your relationship to a mutual acquaintance, more observant people may suspect something themselves, and as a result, rumors about the affair will spread from colleagues to superiors. Problems, troubles, worries, shame, notoriety, sidelong glances will appear by themselves.

The fewer people who know the details of your personal life, the safer you are.

Married ladies should avoid being surrounded by their exes, friends, and neighbors to reduce the likelihood of information leakage. Yes, starting a relationship with someone you know is much more pleasant and simpler, because you know him from all sides, but this does not outweigh the risk of losing his good name and scandalous exposure, so such moments should be thought through in advance.

How to maintain love after your spouse cheats

To understand why the passion faded, you need to analyze the feelings between the spouses. To do this, it is necessary to determine what is still common between them: whether the spouses have common hobbies and interests, whether they like to spend a lot of time together.

Sexual problems can begin due to a lack of close relationships. You have to make an effort to save each other’s feelings, to make your spouse fall in love with you again. If the marriage needs to be saved, the spouses must start talking to each other. Don't ignore problems, but openly communicate what's going wrong. In order to make a man fall in love with you again, you must strive for intimacy in all relationships.

Feelings quickly fade away in a legal marriage based on sexual affection alone. At first, people succumb to the influence of hormones, and see the world more vividly, and emotions seem incredibly exciting and real. But they can fade away as quickly as they began. An ideal relationship in bed should be combined with close and friendly feelings in everyday life.

You need to be attentive to your partner, be the best wife for him, and watch how he changes for the better. After all, nothing is given to us forever, life always flows and changes over time.

The fact that once a husband or wife did not love each other does not mean anything; over time they will be able to love, or vice versa. If at the beginning of a relationship a few minutes of foreplay were enough, this does not guarantee that after a while everything will be exactly the same. Fortunately, most couples are not with each other solely for sexual needs. After several years of living together, a married couple has a lot in common; sexual problems can be solved if both partners sincerely want it. In matters of intimate relationships, it is better not to deceive each other. If something goes wrong, it is better to sincerely talk about it right away.

I can’t decide what’s better – having a child or a lover?

Get yourself a young, infantile lover. He will be like a child to you.

As people say, “a stupid wife makes even a pillar an enemy” :)))

You don’t need to have lovers to begin with, and no one will come over, but I feel sorry for my wife (,

don't interfere, it's none of your business

Very interesting. That is, watching a friend with such rottenness live together, is it ok? Psst, it’s like seeing a person with a dirty face, and being silent about it without telling him yourself. Only because “it’s his business / Problems".

if you want to remain guilty later

What? Help? When is it better to find out about it - as soon as possible, or in a few years, when it will be 10 times more painful?

Only those who do not want to notice it do not notice betrayal.

Generally, “goodbye.” Apparently, the husband had to take a day off from work several times in order to look after his wife. Bastards, unfortunately, sometimes know how to disguise themselves. Actually, stop wagging with smart opinions... I would IMMEDIATELY tell a friend about this. The only explanation I can find for those who shout “No!” is this: they set the horns themselves and don’t want their own kind to be set.

If your husband just wanted to have or did have a young mistress at work or in another place and you have all the signs of this on your hands, then you must first calmly and fully assess the entire current situation. Of course, there is nothing funny about this, but understanding the essence of everything that is happening, that is, why husbands have mistresses in general, is a useful and necessary thing for any woman. In general, you should have formed an understanding of this possible fact even before marriage, however, since you did not take care of this in advance, and your husband decided or suggested having a mistress, you will have to figure out what is happening after the fact.

Cheating on a husband is always unpleasant for a wife. A woman may feel depressed, offended and humiliated. For some, this becomes a problem of enormous proportions, and it seems impossible to cope with it. When you realize that your husband has taken a young mistress at work, then life in any case loses its bright colors. Others try to accept the situation and survive it together with their man, without destroying the family. But how to find a solution and not humiliate yourself if it seems that you are facing an abyss?

Take care of yourself if your husband has a young mistress at work

The first thing you need to do is take care of your own internal state, the opportunity to experience your emotions alone and consider the situation in more detail.
Of course, you can pack your things in a fit of anger, shout loudly “I’m leaving forever,” and leave, and then return bored. But how will a man perceive a woman after such statements? That is why, first of all, you need to find time and place to be alone with yourself, without explaining to others what happened. Neither close friends nor family can give the right advice in such a situation, since everyone has their own life and their own opinion. A woman must understand whether she will be able to forgive and forget about betrayal over time. After all, if she knows her character and understands that she will always remember the situation, trying to save the family makes no sense. Sooner or later, a marriage in which there is no forgiveness and trust will fall apart. If a woman understands that her husband is the dearest person and she doesn’t want to destroy what has been built for many years, then she needs to pull herself together and begin to forgive the man, forgive not for him, but for herself. It would seem that what to think, he is to blame and if he wants to save the family, he must repent and feel guilty. But not everything is as simple as we would like, because male psychology is structured somewhat differently. You need to understand for yourself exactly what to do if your husband has a young mistress at work and not to act out of the blue, since the signs can lead you to the wrong trail. The wife must understand whether her husband has a desire to save the family. Sometimes, even a one-time affair on the side is a sign that a man no longer wants to be married, but wants to lead a free life. Also, if the husband has a full-fledged affair on the side, but does not leave the family, perhaps he is simply afraid to make a choice so as not to be left with nothing. You need to try to understand him, and for this you need to talk to him, not directly, asking about his decision, but indirectly, avoiding sharp corners.
In fact, there are a very small number of men who are ready to destroy their marriage and go after their mistress, because the person who has been tested for years is waiting for him at home. And a mistress can only be so sweet today and look into your eyes, and then turn her back and forget the man’s name. In most cases, it is beneficial for husbands to have one that will support them at home in any situation and one that raises self-esteem. You need to evaluate all factors when you seek to understand why husbands have mistresses in the first place. Under no circumstances should a woman give a man the opportunity to have some fun and only then return to the family. Yes, for a man such a position will be beneficial, because he was given such a wonderful opportunity, but he will use it not just once, but as often as he needs it. And the woman will eventually become a neurasthenic, because only a few get used to the state of an always walking husband, while the rest drink packs of medications and sedatives. Psychologists strongly recommend that the couple again become two people. But despite the fact that the man is to blame, the woman must work on this. It is she who must understand what her husband lacks and try to give it all in the common house. And, perhaps, a woman, on the contrary, needs to take care of herself so that her husband becomes interested in her again. There cannot be any precise advice here, because you need to start from the situation that has arisen in the family. And, if everything worked out, then you need to remember that the relationship has moved to a new stage and they urgently need to be changed, new colors and new emotions must be introduced into them, otherwise everything will definitely happen again.

Why is this happening

After conducting a series of social surveys, professional psychologists concluded that men of different age categories are looking for lovers for completely different reasons.

1. Young husbands who are not yet twenty years old increase their self-esteem in this way. The guy got married early, so he doesn’t see anything wrong with cheating, because he considers this process as the conquest of a woman by a man.

2. A man under the age of 45 already manages to realize most of his plans for life. But very often his sexual desires remain unfulfilled, this factor makes him think about betrayal.

3. The largest number of male infidelities occurs after the age of 50. Why do men over 50 find lovers? It's simple - old age will soon come, and who doesn't dream of feeling young and full of vital energy again. A young girl is quite capable of giving these pleasant feelings. Therefore, most often, in this case, it is they who become desirable for married men.

Requirements for a candidate

First of all, a new suitor of a married woman should not look like her husband. Let it be done differently to compensate for what is missing. Make sure that he is not a blabbermouth, knows how to keep secrets, and will not start spying, being jealous, or pestering you with calls. It is important that a man clearly understands and respects your position in life and does not interfere in family affairs.

Avoid capricious, hysterical ones. A guy with measured, philosophical views on life is suitable for such a responsible role. You are worthy of love, affection, respect, moral and material help.

Don't take it too seriously, the passion fades over time. Don't make too many sacrifices.

Art psychologist's answer:

Hello, Vlad.

You yourself have already answered your question absolutely correctly, wisely and clearly: firstly, you write that you have realized your mistakes and are ready to correct yourself. Secondly, you are dissuading your wife from divorce and have already almost dissuaded her. Thirdly, you are ready to “turn the world upside down” just to be with her. So this is exactly how you need to act: 1) Watch yourself - watch your behavior, don’t make the very mistakes you write about, if you really change, a woman will definitely notice it, feel it and be able to appreciate it, if you haven’t already indifferent to her. 2) “Turn the world around” - take care, come up with something - trips, hikes, vacations. Invite her to do something that she has long wanted (for example, a renovation, attending an event, a trip, a car, a fur coat - dream up). Women really love men to express their love not only with words, but also with actions. You have been together for a long time, so attention and courtship will already be a good deed. A woman is very “bribed” by such things - in the good sense of the word, in the psychological sense - it seems to her that she is a Woman with a capital W, that she is admired, loved, valued. Let's let her understand this. 3) Try to maintain a “healthy balance” in your intentions to win her again. On the one hand, you need to control yourself, not lose your temper over trifles when something is wrong, not put pressure on her until she makes a complete decision, give her time. But, on the other hand, with all your friendly attitude towards her, try to maintain your dignity - act seriously and confidently, do not become a hostage to her whims and her indecision about your life together. And one more thing: do not be too alarmed by the fact that your wife can leave you at any moment; as a rule, in such situations this happens extremely rarely. That man is not going to get a divorce, where should she go, to whom and why, in general? You have a child, and even if you change for the better and look after her, why would she run away into some unknown? He will feel sorry for the child, he will not forget himself either, and there is a very high probability that everything will gradually improve. Only if you really change and constantly show her your love, and she decides to save the family, then it will be possible to “demand” from her (again in a gentle and correct form) fidelity and honesty - you have begun a new life together - that means , has begun, there should no longer be any men from the past in it. I will also send you my articles on this topic. Good luck and patience!

Sincerely, Maria Pugacheva.

Many women have almost come to terms with the fact that their man is capable of starting an office romance or, in other words, having a mistress. Such situations most often arise when a man spends almost all his time at work, not paying attention to his family.

If you know for sure that your lover is cheating on you, we have selected advice from a psychologist on this issue:

Try to analyze what the reasons for betrayal may be. Most often, the reason for a man’s infidelity is dissatisfaction with family relationships. Try to understand exactly what period your marriage might have experienced a crisis.
After the husband has committed betrayal, the wife has a large number of questions, especially if the husband and mistress spend a lot of time together, since they work in the same place. Of course, the usual hysterics and throwing your spouse’s things through the window will in no way help with this problem. Understand yourself, your feelings, and make a choice whether you agree to forgive the betrayal and live with this person after all this. If you have firmly decided that you do not want your husband to have another woman at work, you will need to fight for the relationship.

How to rid your husband of his mistresses

There are several effective tips that will help rid your spouse of the desire to have an affair on the side.

Keep your loved one busy with family activities so that he has absolutely no time for outside affairs. Repair work, raising children, the need to earn more money, long vacations with the whole family - all this requires maximum effort from a man. If he is a good spouse, he will make a choice in favor of the family; if not, then he should move on to other methods.

2. Arouse in a man a disgusted attitude towards other women in general or towards a specific person - his mistress. The method works if he does not know that you are aware of the betrayal.

3. Do you personally know this homewrecker? Amazing! Tell your spouse, as if by chance, that she is stupid, raise suspicions about her possible frivolity and inconstancy in bed and, for greater effect, about her venereal diseases. The essence of this method is simple. A man is unlikely to want to have a close relationship with such a special one. And his decision can be helped by playing the dirty game of gossip and fiction.

How should you behave absolutely not?

Now we wrote about what you can do. Unfortunately, very few women actually follow this advice. In fact, sometimes everything looks terrible. What you should never do:

1. Beg your husband not to leave your family. You will achieve nothing by doing this except disrespect and ridicule.

2. Try to meet this woman. Yes, the desire to speak out, to drive her out by all possible methods is understandable, but this will not achieve anything: except that you can cause self-pity and grins addressed to you. If you really want to throw out your anger, pour out your emotions in some other way.

3. Try to change for evil. Is it worth it? By doing this, you are only making it worse for yourself; this will not solve the problem, but will only worsen it, and there is also a high risk of contracting an infection. By the way, it doesn’t hurt to get tested for STDs as soon as you find out that your husband is cheating on you.

4. Complain to everyone around you. It will also not generate positive emotions towards you. You can ruin your relationship with them, and then you will have to look for new friends.

How to be and how to behave?

You need to remain calm, do not let relatives and friends know about your family problems, involve strangers and children in it, act as if nothing happened. If you persevere through these trials and do not focus on the fact that your husband has a mistress, he will return to you.

What to do?

If the wife has already found out that her husband has a mistress at work, and still wants to save her relationship.

Any hysterics are prohibited here. You need to carefully think about the problem that has arisen, and understand for what reasons your spouse might have a mistress at work and who, in fact, is to blame for this. Only then is it possible to find the most correct way to solve this problem.

Naturally, wives will always initially blame not their spouse, but the mistress herself. And some of them place all the blame and responsibility on the man. But at the same time, almost no one thinks that perhaps the fault lies with the wife herself.

Of course, most of the blame, for obvious reasons, should fall on the shoulders of the man, because it was the husband who cheated with a work colleague, without thinking about his family and his wife’s feelings.

What should a wife do if her husband works with his ex-lover?

This point is very important, because when the wife finds out all the positive and negative traits of her husband’s mistress, after that she can rehabilitate herself on her own. Here, in no case should you forget about a serious, calm conversation with the man himself, because such a problem cannot be solved without his personal presence. It is better to explain the essence of the problem to him in an intelligible and as calm manner as possible.

Thus, if it so happens that a loved one, during a certain period of their life together, took a mistress at work, where he practically lives, you should under no circumstances give in to panic. First of all, it is necessary to decide whether such a person should be returned to the family.