Maternal instinct is something that is developed to a greater extent in almost every representative of the fair sex. And most women still experience an irresistible desire to become a mother at some age. But men don't always dream of being fathers. Many of the stronger sex most often do not even think about whether they will have children or not. And when the time comes, they simply “keep up with the circumstances.” But there are also those who deliberately and consciously do not want children. And everything would be fine - of course, this is everyone’s personal business! But what to do if it is your husband who does not want children?
If a man doesn’t want children before marriage and tells a woman about it, that’s one thing. Then she can make a decision in advance, knowing about such characteristics of her life partner. But what to do if the husband does not want a child, especially if he somehow did not mention this before marriage? Try to immediately understand: is this a momentary or conscious desire and “not subject to appeal”? Here it is important to understand why the husband does not want children, what are the reasons for such reluctance. And if the problem is solvable, then we must certainly take the opportunity and solve it.
Why doesn't my husband want a child together?
If a man does not want a child immediately after marriage or after years of marriage, there is no need to think badly about him. Most likely, he has a good reason for this. After all, for this reluctance to appear, he had to step over at least two very important things: the instinct of procreation and the stereotype of fatherhood as an integral part of masculinity.
If a husband does not want a child, most likely he has good reasons for this.
IMPORTANT: If a husband does not want the birth of a common baby, this does not mean that he does not love his wife. A woman should not always take her reluctance to be a father personally
Usually, the reasons why a husband does not want his wife to give birth to a child from him are objective. A woman will easily understand them if she tries to understand the essence.
- The husband is not confident in his wife or the strength of their relationship. Everyone is a living person with complex feelings. You cannot blame the husband if one day he doubts his feelings for his wife, the strength of the family or her future. In this case, the birth of his child, who will unite the spouses, cannot be called an appropriate event
- The husband is not sure that he will be able to financially cope with the birth of a child. On the one hand, everyone says that a baby is not a toy; in order to dress, put on shoes, raise, and teach him, you need to spend a lot of money. Before becoming a father, a man feels a burden of responsibility. On the other hand, if he himself did not have the best childhood, he will want to either have a child and give him everything, or not have one at all, if he is capable of less. Also, in the practice of psychologists, there have been cases when men did not want children after their wives themselves, purposefully or accidentally, noted their financial insolvency and inability to perform the function of breadwinner in the family
- The husband is stopped by problems with his own health or fear that the baby will be unhealthy. If he has any serious or chronic illnesses, he may be afraid that because of them he will not be a full-fledged father to the baby. Or there are serious pathologies in his family that are passed down from generation to generation, and he assumes that the baby will inherit them
- The husband does not want to relive the sad experience after miscarriages or missed pregnancies. If a baby dies without being born, it is not only the woman who suffers. Yes, the man did not carry it under his heart, did not go through painful medical procedures, and perhaps did not burst into tears. But this does not mean that such sad events passed him by. He may be so traumatized that he no longer wants to even try, fearing that the pregnancy will end tragically again.
- Using the example of others, the man realized that the birth of a child would not lead to anything good. Perhaps there are couples around him whose marriage has cracked after they had a baby. Perhaps his friends who have children constantly complain about the burden of responsibility, constant problems, childhood illnesses, financial waste, etc. But, most likely, a man’s reluctance to have children was caused by his own family, in which children were considered a punishment, deprived of attention or treated cruelly
- The husband is afraid that his wife will change after the birth of their common child. We are talking about both external and internal changes. A man may worry that the young mother will gain weight or stop taking care of herself. He may be confused by the premonition that with the birth of a son or daughter he will become secondary to his wife, she will love him less, pay less attention to him, and communicate with him less. In the end, he may think that a woman, having become a mother, will lose herself in household chores and the troubles associated with motherhood, and will cease to be an interesting person. To be honest, such fears are quite justified, and indeed, often women get too carried away with motherhood and change far from for the better.
- The man is simply not mentally mature enough to become a father. Or does he just think so
- The man has children from a previous marriage and doesn’t want to become a father anymore.
IMPORTANT: Sometimes it happens that a man is either selfish or simply does not want to leave his comfort zone or change anything in his life. It is very difficult to convince someone like him to have a child together. Then a woman faces a dilemma: stay with this person and deprive herself of the joy of motherhood, or try to create a full-fledged family with someone else
The husband may be frightened by the possible negative changes that will happen to his wife after the birth of the child.
Prohibited and permitted practices
Women have three favorite arguments that they like to give when putting psychological pressure on a man who does not want to have a child:
- "You are a complete egoist"
- "You don't love me at all"
- “Have you thought about who will help us in old age?”
According to family psychologists, such arguments will not bring any benefit at all, but will only anger the man. In order to achieve your goal, it is better to draw your man’s attention to the physiological side of the issue. As you know, not every woman’s menstrual cycle is full; there are so-called anovulatory cycles, in which the egg does not mature and, accordingly, pregnancy is impossible in principle.
Until about 30 years of age, such “empty” cycles occur no more than one or two per year. After thirty years, the number of these cycles begins to grow rapidly, and by the age of 35 it reaches five to six cases per year. As you understand, in such a case, a woman’s chances of becoming pregnant rapidly decrease. In addition, late pregnancies are very often accompanied by various pathologies that threaten not only the health of the mother, but also the well-being of the baby. And the birth process itself is more difficult the older the woman is, especially when it comes to cases of first birth.
If talking about cycles doesn’t work, start talking to your man about what you love most—himself. After all, with age, he also has something to fear. Once a man reaches the age of forty, the quality of his sperm begins to deteriorate significantly. It contains fewer and fewer active, viable sperm capable of fertilizing an egg. Such information will definitely make your man think, especially if your words are supported by special literature.
Husband doesn’t want a child, advice from a psychologist
Family psychologists agree that under no circumstances should a man be forced to give birth to a child together against his will - throw tantrums, beg, threaten divorce, etc.
Even if a baby is born, such a family will sooner or later collapse. The wife must behave wisely, understand why her husband does not want children, and try to convince him.
- If the reason is lack of confidence in the wife, she must prove her fidelity, love, and respect to her husband through words and deeds. He must know that he can always rely on her, that she will support and inspire him, and never doubt his success or viability as a father.
- It is important for a man who fears that he will not be able to financially provide for a family with a child to understand that the birth of a baby is not a disaster for the family budget. It would be nice to find an example of families in which financial wealth appeared after they had children, where motherhood and fatherhood did not in any way prevent the parents from realizing their professional potential, making a career and earning good money. He must understand that financial stability may come at a time when it is no longer possible to have a baby, or may not come at all. The saying is appropriate here: “If God gives a child, he will give for him too.”
- If a man is not healthy or has poor heredity, it is necessary to involve specialists - a psychologist, geneticist, etc. - to help resolve the issue of paternity. Perhaps the man’s fears are justified, and there is a high probability of having a baby with serious pathologies. Playing roulette with your baby's health is stupid. Then both husband and wife should seriously consider the issues of sperm donation or adoption
- The same applies to the case with unsuccessful previous pregnancies. Only here should one soberly assess the health and ability to become parents of both spouses
- If a husband does not want his wife to give birth to a child because he has seen enough of friends or acquaintances who are not very happy in marriage, the wife should try to introduce him to a new social circle. One in which he will see how valuable children are, what happiness they bring to the family, how great it is to spend time with them, or even just realize that you are a father
- It seems to the husband that his fear that his wife will stop loving him so much after the birth of the child is confirmed if, even at the pregnancy planning stage, he hears constant reproaches from her. Women should behave in such a way that the man does not under any circumstances get the impression that she needs him only to conceive a baby. She must let him know that she is already happy with him, and the birth of a baby will make her even happier
- A wise wife should also subtly encourage her husband to communicate more with the children. You need to take him with you to visit your godchildren and nephews, involve him in choosing gifts, and look after these children with him if their parents ask for it.
If a husband does not want a child, reproaches and hysterics are the last thing a wife should resort to.
IMPORTANT: The most important thing is to let the husband understand how much his wife wants a baby, how important it is for her to realize herself as a mother. If the husband really loves and respects her, this will be the most important argument for him
Reasons for dad
So let's get back to our tactics. How to persuade your husband to have a child? Please note that we did not start talking about how to get pregnant by deception, since this will not lead to anything good. The child must be desired. And period. Therefore, let's think about how to persuade a stubborn egoist to join the family.
In order for a man to overcome his fears, a woman must simply talk to him. Do not resort to lies under any circumstances. There is no point in assuring your husband that you can easily cope with pregnancy, hormonal imbalance and a huge number of dirty diapers. Don’t lie about the fact that, despite your “interesting situation,” you will remain slim and desirable, just like before pregnancy. Believe me, this is far from the best tactics of behavior. And even if you manage to convince a man of this - which, by the way, is very unlikely - his disappointment with the “after” picture can become a reason for very serious conflicts.
Instead of lying to your husband (and to yourself), it’s better to tell your man how much you love him and never allow him to fade into the shadow of your relationship. Explain that it is important for you to have a baby from him, and not from an abstract baby in principle (which once again demonstrates your love for him)
I got pregnant, but my husband doesn’t want a child, what should I do?
A child in a family is a mutual decision of both spouses. And modern contraceptives make it possible to make pregnancy planned. Therefore, if a wife becomes pregnant and her husband does not want a child, no matter how rude it may sound, there is stupidity or inconsistency of either herself or her husband.
- A husband who claims that he does not want to be a father, while neglecting contraceptives, behaves like a complete egoist, shows complete disrespect for his wife and her health. If pregnancy occurs in this situation, the woman can only hope for the fact that the man will change his mind and accept the baby
- And in the 21st century, women continue to use pregnancy as a means to bind a man. If a wife becomes pregnant deliberately in order to confront her husband with a fact, she is acting cruelly
It is unlikely that the husband will be delighted with the fact of pregnancy if he does not want a child.
IMPORTANT: In a situation where the pregnancy is completed, and the husband does not want the baby in any way, the woman has three main options: go for an abortion, continue to convince her husband and hope that he will love the baby, or take full responsibility and raise the child one
Maintain mutual respect and trust
In order not to encounter such a problem, it is much wiser to find out all the questions that interest you before getting married. Be sure to have an open conversation and find out whether your future spouse plans to have children and how many - one, two, or maybe more? Such a conversation can clarify many issues and avoid misunderstandings and disagreements in the future.
Very often, a woman, having learned that a man does not plan and does not want to have children, breaks off all relations with him. Of course, this is your right, and no one can tell you what to do in this situation. However, believe me that a man who honestly spoke about his unwillingness to have children deserves much more respect than one who became the father of one or two children and does not want to participate in their lives at all. Agree that it is much more honest to immediately say about your reluctance to have children, rather than dooming the woman to disappointment and depriving the children of their father’s attention.
Husband doesn’t want a second child, advice from a psychologist
Preparing to become a father for the first time, a man only theoretically imagines what awaits him. He sees the baby as the fruit of his and his wife’s love, something idealistic. The second child is given birth deliberately.
Mother and father understand perfectly how difficult it is to raise him, how many things need to be given up, how difficult it is to provide for the baby. A man can also be frightened by his wife’s pregnancy and her behavior after childbirth, as well as scandals about raising a baby.
IMPORTANT: A man has the right not to want a second child, and if a woman really doesn’t care about him, she should respect his desire
The husband does not want a third child, advice from a psychologist. What to do if the husband does not want a third child?
If your husband thinks that two children are enough for a happy family, he may be right.
When it comes to the third child in the family, the wife’s desire alone is clearly not enough. A family really must have health, financial, housing and other opportunities to raise three children. And a man in such a situation often looks at things more soberly than a woman, clouded by love for the two children she already has.
Perhaps it is better to listen to your husband’s opinion and abandon the idea of having a third baby.
IMPORTANT: A child is not a toy or a whim; one “I want” and “I love” from his mother will not be enough. You need to understand that getting pregnant with a third baby and giving birth to him can be much easier than raising, providing for and giving him a start in life.
Why doesn't my husband want children in his second marriage?
- If a man has a child from a previous marriage, he rightly believes that he has successfully coped with procreation
- Bad experiences in family relationships also leave an imprint: a man may think that pregnancy and the birth of a baby will cause discord between him and his new wife
- Here the woman needs, again, to let the man understand that it is also important for her to be fulfilled as a mother
IMPORTANT: Any question about the birth of a child in a family is very complex. And if the spouses have disagreements about it, it is better not to aggravate the situation with scandals and mutual reproaches, but to contact a family psychologist in a timely manner
