Manipulative children: how to recognize and what parents should do to prevent such behavior

Each family has certain rules of behavior. But it happens that children begin to make their demands. Most often this happens in adolescence, which is difficult for both parents and the child himself. In an attempt to control the feelings and behavior of adults, a teenager uses various methods of manipulation.

How to recognize child manipulation

CONTENT:

Manipulation is a certain behavior with the purpose of influencing another person in order to achieve one’s goal. You need to understand that children's behavior is not always manipulation or, if it occurs, it is not always conscious. You should know that the behavior of a child under 1 - 1.5 years old is tightly connected with his instincts. If the baby has any need, the easiest and most natural way to tell the parent about it is to cry. Even up to school age, children are little aware of their overly emotional behavior. The fact is that during this period children go through several age-related crises, following one after another. This is how they master interaction with people around them and experience the most effective forms of influence on them. However, this does not mean that they do not understand anything at all. Sometimes children purposefully behave in such a way as to attract the attention of their parents and get what they want.

In fact, manipulative behavior can be tracked. It’s just that most often parents give in to emotions and feelings. And, as a rule, these are mothers or grandmothers. How can you understand that a child is manipulating you?

Try to distance yourself from emotions and observe what your child does every time something doesn’t go his way. If a violent reaction occurs and this behavior is repeated every time, we may be talking about manipulation.
The second component is who the impact is directed at. If this is the same person, then manipulative behavior is clearly visible. As a rule, other family members can track down and stop the manipulation. And the one who gave in once falls into a trap and repeats his reaction again.

Understand the reasons

It is not difficult to recognize a teenager’s first attempts to manipulate his parents. Some play on weaknesses and fears, others resort to threats, and still others even commit shocking acts in order to get the desired result, including suicide attempts. To know how to respond, it is important to identify the cause and recognize the form of manipulation.

It is customary to distinguish seven main forms:

Hysterics. Tears are more typical for girls, who begin to cry hourly, demanding that their wishes be fulfilled or that the punishment be cancelled.
Threats and blackmail are common for both boys and girls. Teenagers threaten to spread unpleasant information about their parents, commit suicide, or commit a crime if their demands are not met.
Lies and intrigue. Children lie about going to the library or staying with friends to study for a test together, only to actually go for a walk.
Self harm. Extreme measures typical for adolescents suffering from neurosis or accentuation. Usually there is no real harm involved, and the teenager takes a pack of glucose, makes shallow cuts to the skin on his wrists, or spends the night in the hallway.
Comparisons with the parents of others and speculation on feelings. The following formulations are usually used: “But Dima’s parents...” and “If I were dear to you, you would...”.
Depression and apathy are, in principle, characteristic of the puberty period, but when these manifestations arise in response to a prohibition or demand to do something, manipulation takes place.
Finding supporters (grandmothers, neighbors, teachers). Committed to discredit parents in retaliation for punishment.

Teenagers are amazingly inventive and unpredictable. Due to hormonal changes in the body, their mood is constantly changing, and euphoria is replaced by apathy and blues. This age is extremely important for the development of personality, because The character traits formed in childhood are reinforced at this time. Adults are not able to change, unlike teenagers. Therefore, it is so important to maintain trust in relationships and teach a teenager to behave with dignity in all situations.

Where does child manipulation come from?

The reasons for the occurrence of child manipulation are directly related to the situation in the family. There may be one or more reasons.

If someone in the family is already manipulating others. Children very easily read the behavior of adults and can copy it.
If, in addition to parents, third parties (grandparents, aunts, etc.) are actively involved in raising children. Usually, relatives have different views on education, so children simply do not understand what behavior is correct.
If parents go too far in their upbringing. Excessive control in the form of regular punishments, constant prohibitions, threats, deprivation of independence, strict limitation of personal time and space, drives the child into strict boundaries. The way out of this situation may be rebellion in the form of manipulation, since the child simply cannot influence his parents in any other way.
If there is a lack of confidence in yourself and your child in the family. Such parents begin to feel guilty and pity. For example, if he has few friends, he studies poorly, gets sick often, etc. The child immediately understands that he is somehow wrong and can use this situation for his own purposes. Or rather, he begins to play according to the rules established by adults.
Parents place too high demands on their children. They may think that a child must be a genius in all areas at once. In addition to school, he also needs a music school, a sports section, additional English classes, and a chemistry club. As a rule, such parents try to fill the gaps, as it seems to them, in their own upbringing by their parents. The child simply cannot withstand such stress and tries to manipulate in order to get rid of at least some of it.
If dad rarely participates in the educational process. This happens when: either in the family there is a stepfather instead of the father, who internally does not accept someone else’s child, or mom and dad are divorced, and the father rarely visits the child. The baby lacks attention and tries to achieve it at any cost, including manipulation.

Explain

When children begin to resort to blackmail, threatening to run away from home, it is necessary to communicate that their behavior is hurtful. The phrase should be constructed according to the formula:

feelings;
child's action;
consequences;
conclusion.

In reality it will sound like this: “I love you very much. I am very offended and scared when I hear your words. I fear for you and your safety. I can’t buy you a new phone now, because... no money to buy. If you continue to threaten or actually run away, I will be hurt. I think you could find a part-time job in your spare time and try to earn money for a new phone yourself.”

Realizing the futility of manipulation, children stop resorting to it. Consistency in requirements, constancy and personal example are the key to success in raising a teenager. Young age is not an obstacle to being right and sometimes it is useful to listen to the words of a teenager, because... his objections or demands may be justified.

What are the ways to manipulate parents?

In order to understand what you are dealing with, here are the main methods of child manipulation and examples of phrases:

Hysterics. “I want it!”, “Well, buy it, buy it, buy it!”
Lie. “And dad said it was stupid...”
Flattery. “You are so beautiful today...”, “And you know, I want your delicious cheesecakes...”
Bribe. “Let me play the console, and then I’ll help grandma.”
Ultimatum. “I won’t do this and that’s all!”
Extortion. “If I go to the doctor, will you buy me a chocolate bar?”
Anger or aggression. "I hate you!"
Excuses. “I’ll do it later, but now...”
Blackmail. “I’ll leave you for grandma!”
Shifting the blame. “It’s not my fault!”
In defiance. “You force me, but I still won’t do as you need.”

Be consistent

Children during puberty begin to manipulate adults, trying to expand the boundaries of what is permitted and assert themselves. By the age of 12–14, they already clearly understand how mom and dad react to words and actions, what they are afraid of and want from him. Not getting what he wants, the child resorts to hysterics, threats, running away from home and outright blackmail. Parents often make mistakes, not knowing how to stop manipulation. Some severely punish the child, others show inappropriate loyalty, and still others completely ignore the problem, blithely hoping that everything will work out on its own. It is important to be consistent, stand firm in your positions and not give in to provocations.

How to respond to a child's manipulation

The most important thing here is your reaction. The child’s future behavior depends on it. So:

If a child throws a tantrum, do not rush to react violently. Take a breath, try to look at the situation from the point of view of an observer. Don't raise your voice, be rude, or use physical punishment. Such actions can only worsen the situation. Wait for the hysteria to end. Explain to your child that you will not talk to him in this state. Once the hysteria passes, calmly talk to the child. He will begin to understand that his tantrums have no effective effect.
Be firm in your decisions. Do not go easy on any manipulation. If you give in once and follow your child’s whims, he will continue this tactic of influence, and your authority will be undermined.
Don't buy good behavior! You cannot constantly stimulate children's activities with gifts or money. They quickly understand this tactic and will behave well only to receive financial rewards. This is unnatural behavior and children quickly learn to pretend. And with age, requests will only increase. And then they will have to face the realities of life, where not everything is given for candy.
Treat the child’s manipulation with understanding from an adult, be taller, remain calm and friendly. Explain to your child why you forbid him to do something: “... because it is dangerous to health.” “... because it’s not supposed to be done here,” etc. After time, he will remember, realize and listen.
Don't give in to the storm of emotions. Children sense the emotional state of their parents very well and become infected by it.
Always be an example for your children. In order for your children to respect and listen to you, you need to ensure that your actions do not diverge from your words.
Don't give in to guilt. When, during child manipulation, you show restraint and severity, and the baby psychologically resists, expressing this with emotions, do not reproach yourself for being too tough a parent. You do this only for the benefit of the child.
Look for compromises. Talk and discuss the current situation with your children. By communicating respectfully, you show how to conduct constructive dialogue correctly. Try to find a solution that will benefit you and your children. Explain why you are prohibiting them from doing something.
If you are wrong, admit it and apologize. Sometimes adults are mistaken and wrong. This way your child will understand that he is not the only one who can make mistakes. He will learn that he also needs to apologize when he is wrong.
Sometimes you just need to let kids go through their own experiences. Let them understand the negative impact of their actions. For example, if a child refuses to do his homework, his wishes can be accepted. Just don't do the work for him! After he receives a reprimand from the teacher, he will understand that he did wrong.
Help children articulate their feelings and experiences. Talk to him about his emotions so that he understands himself better. For example, “You are angry now because your friend hurt you,” “You are sad because you are upset,” etc.
Fairytale therapy helps to correct children's behavior. Fairy tales show examples of the behavior of heroes in certain situations from which they learn. This is how children unobtrusively learn the moral norms that apply in society.

Loving a child

From the first days of a child’s life, it is necessary to be able to negotiate with him, teach him to correctly express emotions and do everything for the correct formation of the child’s psyche. To do this you need to adhere to the following rules:

love children, tell them about your feelings several times a day;
support in all endeavors and leave the right to your own opinion;
respect the child’s emotions, recognizing the right to despair over a broken toy;
punish in proportion to the offense;
never compare a child with others, tell him that he is worse;
When condemning a specific action, do not give a negative assessment of the individual: “You are bad.”

Ways to combat manipulation

All methods of manipulation are very effective. Some specialists manage to use each of them interchangeably. Achieving what you want. However, there is no need to be afraid of these manipulations. For the reason that they can be very easily dismissed.

The teenager needs to determine what specific method of manipulation is being used against him

First, the teenager needs to monitor the behavior of the manipulator. Find out what method the interlocutor uses for this. Is he trying to flatter, insult, threaten, or is he trying to provoke feelings of guilt?

After this, the teenager needs to pay attention to the words of the manipulator. Determine which of them provoke the appearance of negative emotions (which make him want to behave and perform the required action). If a teenager finds words that evoke strong emotions in him, this will have a positive effect on him. Because the next time someone says this, the teenager will no longer feel bad. His mood will not worsen. Because next time his psyche will develop “immunity” to similar manipulations. And you won’t be able to achieve what your interlocutor wants.

The teenager needs to understand why the manipulator is trying to manipulate him

Next, the teenager needs to try to understand why the person is trying to manipulate him. What does he want to achieve from him in the end? To do this, the teenager needs to ask the interlocutor directly.

For example, if at school a classmate praises a teenager, then he should not relax. His task is to say: “Why are you praising me? Do you want me to do your homework for you?

It is important to ask the question as calmly as possible. Without showing any unnecessary emotions. If the teenager says this calmly, then the manipulation will not work. Because the teenager will not have emotions. Remember that the main task of a manipulator is to unbalance a person.

The teenager needs to control the topic of conversation and not allow the manipulator to take the dialogue in another direction.

If the manipulator is caught manipulating, he will try to distract the teenager. Will start talking about outside things. For example, about homework, school and leisure time.

A teenager needs to keep the topic of conversation in mind. And do not allow the interlocutor to take it in another direction. The interlocutor must understand that the teenager noticed his manipulation. And that he won't try to manipulate him anymore.

Teenagers need to learn to say “no”

The goal of the manipulator is to make the teenager fulfill his request. Therefore, the teenager’s task is to learn to refuse. Say “no” loudly and clearly. So that the person does not have the desire to try to manipulate the teenager anymore.

At the same time, you need to refuse the manipulator tactfully. So that the manipulation does not succeed, and the relationship with the person remains good. For example, if a classmate praised a teenager and then asked him to do a homework for him, then the teenager should refuse. And then add: “I can’t. I still have debts in some subjects, and then I go to the sports section. I have no time". Or come up with any other reason that will tactfully explain why the teenager refused.

Favorite tricks of the little manipulator

Even without realizing their own actions, children resort to manipulation for one of two reasons.

they try to protect themselves by lying, hiding the truth, making excuses, and even judging.

flattery, obedience and ultimatum are used to obtain benefits.

If your child accidentally breaks a plate or your favorite vase, their first reaction might be to blame it on their little brother or the cat. The child may try to hide the fact of what he has done, preferring silence to deception. Older children prefer attack to defense, blaming their parents for what happened, but this technique only works on the most gentle people who are unable to defend their opinion. If you encounter this behavior, you may be too strict with your child. In an attempt to avoid yelling and punishment, he tries to absolve himself of responsibility.

To receive maternal warmth and care, children often pretend to be sick and weak. Parents themselves provoke this behavior if they pay little attention to a healthy baby, but surround him with care in case of the slightest injury. To stop your child from feigning illness, consult a doctor every time. Children usually don’t like doctors, so it’s easier for them to “get well” on their own.

In order to get what he wants, the baby is ready to shower himself with compliments, hugs and kisses, knowing that his mother will melt from such increased attention. The technique of absolute obedience, which is used by preschoolers and teenagers who are ready to spend a lot of time and effort to achieve the main goal, works similarly.

Children especially often resort to aggression, tears and hysterics. If at least once you took pity on the baby and bought him a new toy to stop his tears, be prepared for a second “performance.” Kids are great at playing in public, which is why they love to make scandals with their parents in public places. Once the main viewer loses interest in the performance, the hysteria quickly subsides.

What to do

Children manipulate their parents consciously and unconsciously. Unconscious manipulation is when the mechanism for achieving one’s goal has not been worked out. The child is really sick, very upset, offended or depressed by the refusal. His emotional reaction, of course, is a sign of manipulation, but at the same time he does not expect a good result, but only expresses his emotions. Conscious manipulations occur in children when they perform the same tricks over and over again and, moreover, hone their technical skills: they cry harder, howl more vociferously, remain silent longer, bicker more refined. In this case, it is worth taking some measures. Here is a short list of how to deal with the problem:

Learns to say “no” and be assertive. A child must have limitations in order to grow up. The psyche is structured in such a way that it always wants something and works on the “yes” principle. Therefore, a young child’s violent reaction to a parent’s refusal is normal. Another thing is that you need to endure it and convince the child to do it his own way. A child grows up only by learning and recognizing prohibitions.
Recognize that his behavior is normal. Manipulation is the natural behavior of a person limited in his capabilities who does not want or does not know how to take responsibility. Children do not know how to be responsible and cannot yet, because they want everything all the time, and if they could do without a parent, they would have done so long ago. Therefore, there is no point in being scared by their manipulations and worrying that this is abnormal. It is important to be able to convey the consequences of the child’s wishes and fulfill their reasonable demands.
Don't argue. The child’s tactic is to exhaust the parent, so it is wise to avoid all sorts of tedious dialogues. If a child has been arguing for more than 10 minutes, then there is only one reason for all this - to bring the parent to the point where he gives up from fatigue. Therefore, if a clear “no” is said, then the argument should be short and without lengthy discussions on this matter.
Don't change your mind. Of course, being always like flint is a dangerous strategy. It does not build trust in the child and makes him inflexible in his own life, but also changing his opinion under pressure from the child is an even worse option. A parent must have several “golden” rules from which he cannot deviate and which he strictly adheres to. They should not fall under any childish emotional pressure. In addition, it is worth having “silver” rules, which may change, but not significantly. And all other subjective requirements set according to the situation and which can be discussed with your son or daughter.
Discussion with children. It is important to raise a child through constant discussions with him about the rules of behavior and what is good and bad. It should crystallize in front of children why it is worth doing this way and not doing it any other way. All such discussions should be conducted in a calm atmosphere, before the child resorts to blackmail, tears and threats.
Study yourself. The personality of any person is imperfect. Therefore, do not forget about self-development and improving your behavior and beliefs. This is especially important if the parent tends to merge excessively with the child, living only his life, or when, on the contrary, he is cruel and dry. After all, in general, giving in to manipulation is a sign of emotionality and humanity. Living solely by logic alone is not realistic. A child grows up when he learns not only to follow logic, but also knows how to manage his feelings, and not just avoid them. And if you don’t succumb to the child’s emotional influence at all, this means fostering his alienation and shaming him for his imperfections.
Learn to take responsibility. A request differs from manipulation in that children do not think about the consequences of their desires. As a result, they ignore the parent's reasoning and continue to demand. In order for the child not to constantly slip into manipulation, he needs to be prepared so that he himself begins to think about what will happen if his wishes come true and what he will do about it. While he is small, such conversations are meaningless, but as he grows older, he needs to be entrusted with tasks and responsibilities that would help him understand his actions and capabilities.