The modern world is often unfair and cruel. People who are insecure and closed often remain outsiders. The problem of communication is especially problematic in youth. Guys and girls cannot find friends, defend their opinions, they are not interesting to their peers. How to become more sociable? You need to develop communication skills, fight your own complexes and insecurities. At first glance, such a task seems impossible. But if you approach the matter responsibly, perform special exercises and use the advice of psychologists, you can see the result in a couple of weeks - the interest and recognition of others.
Communication skills are...
Communication is not just an exchange of data. This includes understanding the thoughts, position, emotions (how is that?), and thoughts of another person.
This is where communication skills come to the rescue - this is the ability to find a common language with others. Differences in social status, age, worldview and degree of acquaintance should not interfere with this.
A sociable person is often confused with someone who likes to just chat about nothing, gossip, and this characteristic is attributed mainly to extroverts (who is that?).
But a sociable person is the embodiment of intelligence, education in various fields, good manners, a sense of tact, competent speech, and the ability to persuade.
Signs by which you can recognize such a person:
- It has an endless supply of topics for completely different people.
- The conversation is useful and interesting for both parties.
- Always tries to find out the point of view of the interlocutor. Prefers to conduct a dialogue (how is that?) rather than a monologue (how is that?).
- Knows how to successfully pursue and achieve communication goals: increase trust, find a compromise (how is that?), draw up an agreement or enter into long-term cooperation.
- Possesses different communication styles that suit the situation.
- Can calmly give a speech in public without extensive prior preparation. A good speaker.
- Charismatic (how is that?), knows how to present himself, is proactive, has leadership inclinations.
- Easily adapts to new situations.
- Tolerant (how is that?), respects other people's point of view.
- Keeps the interlocutor's attention.
- Not afraid to meet people. There is no anxiety or fear of communication even before important meetings.
Advantages and disadvantages of a sociable person
Based on the above points, we can conclude about the advantages that we get if you are sociable.
In addition to these, they include :
- Being confident in himself and his ability to verbally (how is that?) interact with people, a person can take control of situations and lead a team. Therefore, horizons open wider when choosing a place and position.
- The ability to competently find a compromise between two parties; conduct a dialogue, not only satisfying your needs; bring negotiations to a common goal. Applies to both the work sphere and building personal relationships.
- Successful resolution of conflicts under any circumstances.
- A feeling of comfort in the team both at the university and in the office.
With all the bright colors, there are also disadvantages of communication skills , as in any human quality:
- In order to achieve your goals when communicating, not only “white methods” can be used, but also manipulation (what is that?), blackmail, and suppression of the opponent.
- Such people often engage in networking (how is that?) - they specifically make acquaintances in order to have connections in different areas and issues. Therefore, they can behave quite intrusively when talking with new people.
- To attract the interlocutor, theatrical gestures, intonations and pauses are used. Sometimes they can go too far with artistry, which looks ridiculous.
Types of human character. Modern school of psychology
Representatives of the modern school of psychologists (K. Leonard, A. Lichko, etc.) identify these types of human character.
Hyperthymic
They are too sociable, talkative, have pronounced gestures and facial expressions. Suddenly during a conversation they move away from the original topic. They do not take official assignments seriously. Most often they initiate conflicts. However, they are very active, active, optimistic, and proactive. Repulsive traits are frivolity, the possibility of immoral acts, irritability, and frivolity.
Disthymic
People of this type of character are quiet, often pessimistic, and taciturn. They avoid noisy companies, do not enter into conflicts, and are closed from others. They easily obey those who are friends with them. They are serious, obligatory, extremely fair. But they are very slow, passive, unfocused, clumsy.
Cycloid
Characterized by frequent changeability of moods and manner of communication with other people. They can either be too sociable or withdraw into themselves.
Excitable
These are boring and gloomy people. They are characterized by rudeness, conflict, quarrelsomeness, and love of power in the family. They can be irritable, extremely hot-tempered, and do not maintain balance in their behavior. When calm, they are precise, punctual, and loving towards animals and children.
Stuck
They are not very sociable people, most of them are boring, they like to teach others. They are active in conflicts. They try to complete assigned tasks 100%. They are easily offended, vindictive, arrogant, and jealous. They demand too much from their subordinates and loved ones.
Pedantic
Non-conflicting, bureaucrats, formalists. But - conscientious, responsible, careful, faithful, efficient.
Anxious
Unconfident people. Rarely conflict with others. Friendly, efficient, self-critical. They are easy to make fun of in jokes.
Emotive
They choose a narrow circle of friends. Non-conflicting. Resentments do not spill out. Kind, merciful, efficient, fulfilling obligations. Extremely sensitive.
Demonstrative
They easily make contact and take a leading position. Adaptable, self-confident, initiators of conflict. Artistic, captivating others, creative. Selfish, hypocrites, braggarts.
Exalted
Wide circle of friends, chatty. Take part in mediation in conflicts. They are altruists, sincere, bright. They may panic and change their mood.
Extroverted
Sociable, talkative, receptive to any information. They do not conflict, they are performers, subordinate to others. They know how to listen, but are frivolous, imprudent, and gossips.
Introverted
More closed, divorced from reality, philosophers. Lovers of solitude, do not have conflicts. But they are restrained and principled. Stubborn, ideological. They defend their point of view, even the wrong one, to the last. You can study human character types in more detail in the psychological literature.
Obstacles to communication
Probably most of us want to be described as “communicative” - this greatly simplifies life and interaction with society (what is this?) even in our era of social networks.
But obstacles can be:
- Diffidence. When it’s hard to say a word because you think you can’t handle it, there won’t be enough topics to talk about.
- Limited horizons . When you really don’t know what to talk about, because the circle of personal interests is narrowed to 1-2 areas.
- Excessive emotionality . It does not allow you to concentrate on the state of your opponent, and, accordingly, to deftly lead the conversation in the right direction.
- Poor concentration . Just like an overabundance of emotions, through your own thoughts “in the clouds” you cannot look at your interlocutor with interest and absorb all his words.
- Negative body language . A person subconsciously reads the facial expressions and movements of another. Therefore, if there are “closed postures”, they are unlikely to believe in your sincerity and goodwill in the conversation.
When is it okay to be unsociable?
► If a (mentally healthy) person is naturally an introvert and does not himself suffer due to his level of sociability, then this is not a problem. If he perfectly finds things to do to his liking, enjoys life, does not cause difficulties for others and gets along with himself, then we can say that he is simply like that - and he has the right to be like that.
► If a person's desire for privacy does not interfere with his social interaction - i.e. if a person adapts normally in society: is able to talk to others without problems, make friends (yes, unsociable people sometimes need friends too and they themselves know how to be good friends), go to the store and to work without fear, etc., then it’s not worth it call unsociability a lack of development of communication skills.
How to develop communication skills
For some, communication skills are given from childhood as an innate trait and as a result of proper upbringing. Others need to make an effort to develop successful and rich communication skills on their own.
To do this, you need to follow the following points.
Be a good listener
People often forget that being a good communicator is not enough. Listening to your interlocutor is no less important, which is why we mentioned this in the first paragraph.
It's not just about not interrupting and maintaining eye contact. But also clarify details, nod your head as a sign of understanding, answer on the topic.
Control your emotions
Being aggressive or gloomy is unlikely to gain the attention and affection of your interlocutor.
Therefore, it is worth having positive thinking , which will be reflected in facial expressions. Also take appropriate pauses in the conversation and use humor.
Don't avoid communication
Every unfamiliar person, or even a random passer-by who decides to come up to you for a chat, is an excellent opportunity to practice communication skills .
Even if you are nervous and unsure of yourself, you will get better every time.
Get rid of the formality
Relatives, neighbors or colleagues at work ask: “How are you?” The answer is a formal one: “Everything is fine.” Or you can tell a funny situation that happened in the morning, or about changes in your life.
It doesn't have to be something big. But this will begin a rich conversation.
Enjoy
If you prepare yourself in advance for a boring conversation, you can lead it to a dead end yourself. When your interlocutor cannot tell you something exciting, you should not fall asleep in front of him.
You can always take the initiative into your own hands and enliven it with your story, facial expressions and gestures.
Develop yourself
To be an interesting conversationalist, you need to be an interesting person .
Therefore, you need to constantly expand your vocabulary, learn news from various fields, go to lectures and art galleries.
You can read books that are directly related to communication skills:
- James Borg "Secrets of Communication. The magic of words";
- Robert Cialdini “The Psychology of Persuasion”;
- Paul McGee "The Mastery of Communication" How to find a common language with anyone";
- How to Talk to Anyone by Mark Rhodes;
- Dale Carnegie's "The Art of Winning Friends and Influencing People";
- Mark Goulston “I can hear right through you. Effective negotiation techniques";
- Elisabeth Mermann “Communication and sociability. Practical recommendations for open communication."
Practical advice
Becoming sociable is not so difficult; all you need to do is start talking to others. It’s much harder to not be considered boring or annoying. To earn a reputation as an interesting, sociable and cheerful person, you need to listen to the advice of psychologists:
- In communication, it is important not only to speak, but also to listen. Show your interest with phrases: “wow!”, “it can’t be”, “cool”.
- Smile and joke. To become cheerful, watch more comedies, read funny stories and hang out with positive people.
- Learn to laugh at yourself. Don’t be offended by trifles and don’t look for a catch in everything.
- Avoid monosyllabic phrases. To the question “what’s new?” or “how are you?” don’t answer normally”, “nothing”. Remember an unusual episode and tell about it in detail.
- Work on your speech. Try not to use filler words, speak clearly and clearly.
- Watch your tone and facial expression. To communicate with you, you need to be friendly.
Finally, I would like to give one more small, but very important piece of advice. A sociable person makes no effort to start a conversation. He doesn't need any templates or rules. He enjoys communication. Therefore, all you need is to want to share your opinion, useful and not so useful information with people. Good luck!
Irina, Vladivostok
Unsociability in childhood
The low level of communication of a child in the modern world can be influenced by 4 factors:
- sociocultural - more and more often children do not go out for walks, but prefer to stay at home and play computer games, find “friends” online;
- family - parents have taken on a fast pace, so most of the day they are at work, running errands, without communicating with the child and without setting an example of communication;
- psychological problems - increased anxiety, low self-esteem;
- mental disorders - autism (how is that?), childhood depression.
In order to suspect a problem in time, you need to pay sufficient attention to your child. Watch how he communicates with family members and unfamiliar adults. For example, neighbors.
It often happens that a child calmly comes into contact with adults, but there are difficulties in talking with peers.
You need to observe how he communicates on the playground with other children, whether he easily makes friends. You can ask to exchange toys with someone and see how easily the child can do it.
Why can a person be unsociable?
Firstly, it’s no secret that every person is an individual. We are all different from each other in some way, and everyone has the right to their own interests and needs. If we live in a society, this does not mean that we must necessarily be similar. Therefore, it is not surprising that people differ in their characterological characteristics, including their degree of sociability. And that's okay.
We have all heard that people are divided into extroverts and introverts . Introverts are unsociable people who tend to prefer spending time alone to socializing and tend to hide their thoughts from others. And there's nothing wrong with that. Introverts are often deep people with a wide range of interests. This does not mean that they are better than extroverts - each type of person has its own advantages. Our society is diverse, and each person is formed depending on innate characteristics, type of upbringing and characteristics of the environment, which is why people turn out to be different.
However, it happens that deeper psychological problems lie behind a person’s unsociability. Unsociability and mistrust can be the result of a person’s complexes, low self-esteem, or even deep psychological trauma - for example, experienced violence. The degree of sociability is also, in principle, influenced by the current emotional state - for example, with depression, a person’s need for contacts decreases, despite the fact that isolation is detrimental to him.
