Is guilt a positive quality or a path to self-destruction? – Psychology

Feelings of guilt and shame. Help from a psychologist

Feelings of guilt and shame are found in people who lack self-confidence. They consider themselves losers, and negative feelings over time begin to dominate and suppress personal qualities, which can lead to a neurotic state.

Every person feels guilty from time to time. These experiences are closely related to responsibility for one’s actions, which is quite normal for a developed personality. But under certain circumstances, guilt turns from constructive to destructive.

What is imposed guilt?

What is guilt from a psychological point of view? This is a violation of certain duties

- either your own, or imposed by parents and other authority figures.

It must be said that psychologists have different points of view on whether a feeling of guilt can be constructive and how it relates to a sense of responsibility.

This question is covered in more detail in the article “Responsibility, guilt and shame: what kind of feelings are these?”, but for now let us conditionally accept that the feeling of guilt can be objective and biased. This is an unofficial division, but it will be useful for the purposes of this article. An example of objective guilt is that you came to visit a friend and broke his brand new monitor. You have violated the “I shouldn’t spoil other people’s things” and “I shouldn’t upset my friends” guidelines, and here you have real, real reasons for feeling guilty.

But in this article we want to talk about another phenomenon - chronic imputed feelings of guilt. It is caused by attitudes imposed in childhood by other people

, and getting rid of them is much more difficult. The main problem is that such a feeling of self-guilt constantly haunts the individual, although there are no real reasons for this. It is dangerous because a person directs aggression towards himself. This is a kind of self-punishment for violating obligations (“I’m bad”, “I’m a loser”, “I’m not capable of anything”...).

There is nothing constructive in such a feeling, but it is very difficult to get rid of it. Let's see why this happens, how this feeling develops and whether it can be dealt with.

Categories of guilt

A newborn is capable of experiencing negative emotions, but among them there is no feeling of guilt. It is formed much later, under the influence of events and upbringing. Almost all types of wine can be divided into three categories, which require a special approach. It is important to distinguish between them and know what mechanisms can be used to improve the situation.

Neurotic guilt

Neurotic guilt can haunt you for decades and poison your life, preventing you from enjoying every moment.

How it manifests itself:

Neurotic guilt arises from the fear of not meeting expectations, not fulfilling obligations (to parents, children, colleagues). This category includes exaggerated responsibility for the suffering of a loved one, remorse over an abortion, and adultery. A person does not strive to get rid of guilt, but cultivates it in himself.

How to get rid of:

A psychologist helps separate imaginary experiences from real ones. Then internal problems are solved step by step, taking into account the importance at the moment. A person learns to be guided by logic, to objectively evaluate emotional reactions to events and people.

Real guilt

Real guilt is the result of an offense, a crime, a consciously or unintentionally performed action or inaction in relation to a living being.

How it manifests itself:

A person makes a mistake, then realizes it and repents of what he has done. The feeling of guilt may not come immediately, but after years. A person’s experiences do not always correspond to the severity of the offense. It is necessary to carefully consider the situation that has arisen.

How to get rid of:

It is necessary to look for ways to reconciliation, find compromises, and build a constructive dialogue with loved ones and colleagues. The feeling of guilt goes away when the chance to compensate for the harm done is realized. Depending on the severity of the crime, an apology or self-atonement can bring relief. After compensation for damage or punishment (including as a result of a court decision), peace of mind usually sets in.

Existential guilt

Existential guilt accumulates over time as awareness of an incorrectly traveled life path, missed opportunities, unrealized talents.

How it manifests itself:

It feels like a crime against one’s own personality. A separate area of psychotherapy deals with the study and processing of existential guilt.

How to get rid of:

Getting rid of the negative emotional background of life occurs after working through the deep processes of the subconscious. The psychologist transforms existential guilt into a creative force, which becomes an instrument of positive changes in a person’s life.

A psychologist helps you build a new attitude towards yourself and the people around you. Meeting yourself will be unpleasant, but it will help you look at your actions with different eyes, understand and accept yourself.

Why do we feel a sense of imposed guilt?

As a rule, the phenomenon we are analyzing begins with a feeling of guilt before parents

.
When a child is born, he does not know what he is like, what he does right and what he does wrong. All these concepts and patterns are laid in him by his parents or other significant adults in the process of upbringing. The most commonly used mechanism is “good - bad”. If a child's behavior meets the parents' requirements, then he is good. If not, then it's bad. Thus, his self-esteem is formed from the point of view of his parents' expectations
.

“What a smart child the Ivanovs have, and you are so stupid!”, “Good girls (boys) don’t behave like that,”

“We give you all the best, but you don’t value anything,” “Mom was so worried about your failure in math that she’s now lying down with a headache,” and so on. Most of us heard these or similar phrases more than once in childhood. The reason could be anything - a broken toy, torn or stained clothes, a four instead of the expected five, and so on. In response to accusations, the child begins to feel guilty and ashamed, because it seems to him that because of his bad behavior, mom and dad are unhappy and may even get sick. Moreover, he feels guilty not only because of a specific “puncture”, but also in general because of the very fact of his birth.

Parents make the situation even worse by scolding or punishing the child until he “realizes his guilt” and says out loud: “I am guilty, forgive me.” As a result, the child understands that in order to leave him alone, he must admit that he is guilty. At first glance, there seems to be nothing wrong with this. But in fact, a dangerous mechanism is formed, the consequence of which in adult life is a feeling of inferiority, dependence on the opinions of other people and low self-esteem

. All this can negatively affect later life. This is often what actually happens.

For parents, this state of affairs is generally beneficial, although they may not realize it. It’s just that with the help of feelings of guilt and shame, a child can be easily manipulated and kept under control. Manipulation of guilt is, in principle, one of the most common and effective. Some use it unconsciously, such as the mother and father in the example described above. Also, those who are susceptible to victim syndrome like to turn to this remedy. Others - especially “professional” manipulators - play it consciously and very effectively. We'll talk about this further.

How not to feel guilty (video)

From the video you will learn about an exercise that will help you cope with feelings of guilt.

Guilt often turns out to be an empty emotion that corrodes from the inside. The most correct thing that can be done, if the situation cannot be corrected in any way either by apologies or compensation for damage, is to try to end with self-blame and constant replaying of a difficult situation in the memory. What happened, happened. No one is immune from mistakes. We must try to draw useful conclusions from this and forget it like a bad dream.

Feelings of guilt in adulthood, or those who are guilty without guilt

As an adult, a person with a chronic sense of guilt coming from childhood becomes a very strict and even cruel parent to himself

.
Any reproach from strangers leads to strong guilt and shame flaring up in him. As a rule, these are imaginary reasons, not real ones (“She somehow looked at me wrong, I must have offended her in some way”). He may feel guilty before a person for his negative emotions towards him, for his indifference or inability to help someone, for living better than those around him, for not living up to someone’s expectations, and so on.
Some go so far as to consider themselves to be responsible for all the ills of humanity, although this already looks like delusions of grandeur. A person with a painful sense of guilt creates extremely strict boundaries and rules (shoulds) for himself, and punishes himself for violating them

. For example, he mentally sets himself the attitude “I must be an impeccable worker” or “I must become an ideal husband (wife, mother).” But as we understand, there are no ideal people, everyone makes mistakes and does the wrong things. However, for a person who experiences a constant feeling of guilt for nothing and for everything at once, violation of these dogmas causes severe stress. It is quite understandable that it is very difficult for such people to be happy and enjoy life. Instead, they constantly bite themselves, engage in self-examination, self-flagellation, drive themselves into strict limits and punish themselves for their imperfect behavior according to the principle learned in childhood: “If you are guilty, be punished.”

Note that such people often experience dual emotions towards their parents: on the one hand, they are angry with them for their overly harsh upbringing, and on the other hand, they feel guilty before them. In this case, the attitude “I must earn good money in order to provide my father and mother with a comfortable old age” is often encountered. If this dogma is violated and earnings are not as high as we would like, the feeling of guilt is right there. It manifests itself especially strongly in cases where one of the parents or both of them have died. In such a situation, a person begins to blame himself for not being able to cure mom or dad, for not doing everything that was possible. But you need to understand that in most cases this is not in your power and not in your area of responsibility, so do not torment yourself with remorse. This will not help your parents in any way, and it can significantly poison your life.

Feelings of imputed guilt as a gift for manipulators

A person who experiences a constant feeling of guilt and, as a result, has low self-esteem, is almost always very easy to “use.” We mean that it is used by all and sundry, because it is easy to subdue and control.

using their same weak point. At work, such employees are often given additional responsibilities, and they meekly agree because they are afraid to refuse. And it’s not so much about the fear of dismissal, but again about the feeling of guilt and violation of duties. After all, the child’s attitude “I shouldn’t upset my mother” is transformed into the broader “I shouldn’t upset other people” or “I shouldn’t refuse people with whom I have good relationships.”

In general, a person with a feeling of guilt is a real godsend for manipulators

who can smell the “guilty” a mile away and cleverly use his vulnerability for their own purposes. This mechanism is especially pronounced in relations between men and women. For example, the banal phrase “I gave you the best years of my life, and you behave like this” is nothing more than manipulation. The accused, if he has a strongly developed sense of guilt, takes responsibility for the failed fate of his other half and tries to make amends by all means available to him. However, you need to understand that the goal of the manipulator is to gain power over the partner, achieve certain benefits, and also assert himself at the expense of the “accused.” Because, as a rule, manipulators are also insecure people, but they carefully hide this behind outwardly aggressive behavior and the self-pity they cause.

It is interesting that guilt and resentment are two feelings that go together, since the protective function of the offended person is to look for those to blame. Therefore, quite often people who experience a constant feeling of guilt subconsciously choose as partners those who are constantly offended. They “ideally” complement each other: the “offended” one blames the “guilty” for all his problems and failures, and he tries in every way to make amends for his guilt, usually imaginary. Of course, such relationships cannot be called healthy, nevertheless, such tandems are found all the time. At its core, resentment is a discrepancy between our expectations and how our partner behaves. But people cannot and should not behave as you expect all the time.

Simple techniques in psychology to get rid of guilt

You can get rid of the guilt complex using simple techniques:

To apologize

It is important not only to realize your guilt, but also to admit it. Therefore, it is recommended to apologize to the victim and sincerely ask for forgiveness. The result will be a gradual fading of remorse. To begin with, you can try to conduct a mental dialogue, scrolling through the situation in your head. After several attempts to ask for forgiveness in reality, it will become easier, and an awareness of the necessary actions will come to compensate for the inconvenience caused.

Mental simulation of moral judgment

It should be imagined that the inner voice that regularly expresses dissatisfaction with the actions taken belongs to the prosecutor. The person himself acts as a defendant and needs a lawyer. Thus, you have to become more loyal to yourself, go over to the side of your own defense, boldly and clearly providing evidence of innocence.

For a successful outcome of the defense process, you should analyze every little detail and find the maximum number of excuses. It is recommended to look at the situation from the positive side. The main emphasis is on the impossibility of foreseeing the end result in advance, which excludes the presence of malicious intent and transfers part of the responsibility to the circumstances, thereby relieving the accused of guilt for the damage caused.

Confronting the Accuser

Sometimes an increased sense of responsibility is used by other people for their own benefit; the feeling of guilt is artificially caused and maintained. Psychologists say that in this situation, recognizing the manipulator and eliminating reasons for provocation is important. Love and respect should be clearly limited from the need to obey the slightest whim. Refusal to fulfill desires does not imply a lack of warm feelings, therefore, should not entail punishment.

Guilt: objective and imposed

There is no need to think that guilt is exclusively negative.

Thanks to it, we can empathize with people, distinguish between good and evil, evaluate the consequences of our actions for others, and so on.
But only if we are dealing with real guilt, and not contrived or imposed by someone
.
For example, you promised to do some work within a certain time frame, but you didn’t do it and let people down. In this case, it is normal to experience feelings of guilt and pangs of conscience. How should an adult, conscious person act in such a situation?
First of all, apologize, admit your mistake rather than shifting it to someone else or unfavorable circumstances, and offer options for solving the problem. This is a sign of a mature, adequate personality. If the guilt is unfounded, painful (guilt complex), then it can significantly poison life. Such people experience anxiety over any, even the most insignificant, issue, they are constantly tormented by remorse, they invent problems for themselves that actually do not exist, and besides, they believe that they are responsible for everything. It is clear that living with such a burden is very difficult, and it can lead to various problems, including neuroses and psychosomatic diseases.

Here it is worth remembering those who experience guilt extremely rarely - sociopaths. One of the hallmarks of a sociopath is the inability to sympathize and empathize. These are people with a clinical lack of conscience. Accordingly, in most cases they are not threatened with feelings of guilt.

How to overcome painful feelings of guilt?

We hope the above description has convinced you that perceived guilt is inherently destructive.

. If you find that the problems described above apply to you, we advise you to begin working with imposed guilt. Like all attitudes from childhood, getting rid of this feeling is not very easy. Therefore, if necessary, do not refuse the help of a specialist. And we will give some tips and talk about some techniques that will help remove the feeling of guilt or make it less intense.

Learn to distinguish between real and fictitious guilt
. When this feeling comes to you again, try to determine the reason and evaluate how much of it is really your fault and whether it is your fault at all.
Realize what obligations you violated
. To do this, you can write down situations in which you felt guilty and analyze them to understand where you got certain oughts (first of all, note whether you came up with them yourself or whether they were imposed on you in childhood). Sometimes this is enough to at least partially get rid of the painful feeling of guilt. Although, as already noted, it is extremely difficult to cope with the attitudes that were instilled in us in childhood. Here, it is still advisable to contact a specialist.
Stop being cruel to yourself, accept yourself as you are, and give yourself the right to make mistakes
. Try not to punish yourself for mistakes and failures and do not blame yourself for all mortal sins.
If you want to get rid of the feeling of guilt towards your parents
who are no longer alive, try to understand and realize that the situation can no longer be changed. Just accept this fact and move on with your life. If the feeling of guilt does not go away, mentally ask your father and mother for forgiveness and feel how your guilt transforms into a feeling of love and acceptance.
under any circumstances make excuses to a person
who accuses you of something. Especially if you subconsciously feel that in this way he wants to achieve something from you and gain control over you. As soon as you start making excuses, you will immediately fall into the manipulator’s network. For example, if they ask you for something, simply refuse without making excuses. You can read tips on how to say no in our article.
Stop self-searching
and continuous analysis of what has already happened. What happened happened. It’s better to focus your thoughts on the present and start planning for the future, taking into account past mistakes, if they actually occurred.

Guilt - don't fall for it

In the process of self-exploration, I discovered that a huge obstacle to development, personal growth, acceptance and understanding of one’s true self is the feeling of guilt. In addition, if you feel guilty about something, then you will automatically have a subconscious intention to punish yourself, and as a result, you will feel worthless, unworthy, and undeserving of what you would like for yourself. And you will attract circumstances in which you will be punished, and you will delay the fulfillment of your desires for an unknown amount of time. In addition, guilt is an excellent means of manipulation. In many cases, this is the key point why life turns out wrong. Therefore, it makes sense to consider this topic in detail.

This is what Alexander Pint writes in his book “From a Caterpillar to a Butterfly or the Path to Yourself”: The feeling of guilt stems from a sense of duty. Debt is the idea that someone owes someone: a child owes their parents, parents owe their parents, and so on. The family is the unit of society. It is no coincidence that such a comparison arose. This is indeed so, because through the family the state conveys an idea without which it cannot live - the idea of duty.

If the idea of conscious duty is introduced into a person, then it can be controlled, so to speak, remotely, at a distance. Because if he does not fulfill his duty, then he feels guilty. This is a terrible thing - guilt. It's like a hook for a fish, by which you can drag it anywhere.

Imagine that you swallowed a hook, it clung to your tongue, and some person pulls it towards you. He only needs to pull a little and you instantly have a huge pain in your tongue and you just run after him. Moreover, you don’t even need to pull later, because it’s enough to tell you: “I’ll pull now,” and you’re already running . And that's what everyone has. Debt to this, duty to that, duty to the Motherland, duty to parents, duty to family, duty to people, duty to business.

*Natalia Severskaya about feelings of guilt. It is especially recommended for viewing for those whose mother is a very powerful woman:

The man is completely in debt. And these are the very hooks that you can pull on. Is it possible to talk about some kind of freedom? Is it possible to talk about some kind of free vision? What does a person see who has a hook hooked to his tongue and someone is pulling on it? Does he see anything other than this hook? What will he pay attention to? All his attention will be drawn to the danger associated with the hook, the line and the one holding it. Will he pay attention to anything else? Is he capable of paying attention to anything else? After all, if he is now pulled by the hook, can you imagine what he will experience as a result?

Can a person who has several such hooks in his language have some kind of free opinion? Can he control himself at all? He can’t even raise his head, because if he raises his head, the fishing line will stretch and the hook will get stuck in his tongue.

And here’s what Vadim Zeland says in “Reality Transurfing”: Guilt has been imposed on us since childhood. This is a very convenient method of manipulation : “If you are guilty, you must do what I say.” It is very uncomfortable to live with a feeling of guilt, so they try to get rid of it. How can you get rid of it? Be punished, or work off the guilt. Both imply submission, obedience and the work of thoughts in a certain direction. The price for feeling guilty will always be punishment in one form or another. If it is not there, then punishment may not follow. A sense of duty is a special case of a feeling of guilt. Must, means obligated, guilty to do something. As a result, the “guilty ones,” both true and false, wander with bowed heads and pay others their tribute in the form of energy that they could spend on creating their desired reality.

An instilled feeling of guilt is the favorite weapon of manipulators. An induced feeling of guilt, that is, introduced from the outside by the “right” people, creates a potential in the square, since a person is already tormented by his conscience, and then the wrath of the righteous falls. Finally, the unreasonable feeling of guilt associated with the innate tendency to be “responsible for everything” creates the highest excess potential. In this case, there is no need to feel remorse at all - after all, the reason is simply far-fetched. A guilt complex can greatly ruin life , because a person is constantly exposed to the action of balancing forces, that is, all kinds of punishments for imaginary offenses. That is why there is a saying: “Arrogance is the second happiness.” As a rule, balancing forces do not touch people who are not tormented by remorse.

*Psychologist Olga Orlova on the mechanism of guilt and what it entails:

The feeling of guilt necessarily gives rise to a scenario of punishment, and without the knowledge of your consciousness. In this scenario, your subconscious mind will lead you to a reckoning. At best, you will get cut, or get minor bruises, or some problems will appear. At worst, there may be an accident with serious consequences. That's what guilt does. It carries only destruction; there is nothing useful or creative in it. There is no need to torment yourself with remorse - this will not help matters. It is better to do so so as not to feel guilty later. And if it has already happened, there is no point in suffering in vain, no one will be better off because of it.

As mentioned earlier, guilt serves as a thread by which a person can be pulled by manipulators. Manipulators are people who act according to the formula: “You must do what I say because you are guilty” or “I am better than you because you are wrong.” They try to impose a feeling of guilt on their “ward” in order to gain power over him or for self-affirmation. Outwardly, these people look “correct”. For them it has long been established what is good and what is bad. They always say the right words, so they are always right. All their actions are also impeccably correct.

However, it must be said that not all good people are prone to manipulation. Where does the need for manipulators to teach and control come from? It is due to the fact that in their souls they are constantly tormented by doubts and uncertainty. They skillfully hide this internal struggle both from others and from themselves. The lack of inner core, which truly good people have, pushes manipulators to self-affirmation at the expense of others. The need to teach and manage arises from the desire to strengthen one’s position by belittling the ward. As soon as someone expresses their readiness to accept the feeling of guilt, the manipulators immediately stick and begin to suck energy.

In order not to fall under their influence, you just need to give up the feeling of guilt. You don't have to make excuses to anyone and you don't owe anyone anything. If there is really guilt, you can be punished, but just not remain guilty. Do you owe your loved ones anything? Also no. After all, you take care of them out of conviction, and not out of coercion? This is a completely different matter. Give up the tendency to make excuses, if any. Then the manipulators will understand that there is nothing to hook you on, and they will leave you alone.

By the way, the initial cause of an inferiority complex is a feeling of guilt . If you experience inferiority in any way, it means that this inferiority is determined in comparison with others. An investigative process is initiated, where you yourself act as a judge over yourself. But it only seems that you yourself are the judge. Something else is actually happening. Initially, you are predisposed to take the blame - no matter what. Simply, in principle, they agree to be guilty. And if so, you agree that you can be a defendant and be punished. By comparing yourself to others, you allow them to take advantage of you. Notice that you yourself gave them this right, you allowed others to believe that they are better than you! They most likely don't think so, but you yourself have decided so and are acting as a judge of yourself on behalf of others. It turns out that they are the ones judging you, because you yourself put yourself on trial.

How to get rid of guilt?

Guilt occurs when we haven't done something we think we should have done. If you had no idea that you owe anything or that you should be such and such, then there would be no feeling of guilt. This is the mechanism of this feeling. Therefore, if you really want to get rid of guilt, you need to understand and see how you create the idea that you owe something , and how it leads you to feelings of guilt.

"I must. I have to". Why do you think you should? As long as you think this way, you will feel guilty. What does a person usually do when faced with this? After all, this is a very difficult feeling. He tries to do his duty even better in order not to feel guilty. But you won’t get rid of guilt that way. After all, the one to whom you do this will want more and more, because the more you do, the more claims there will be. The more you do, the more expectations there will be. It's endless. This debt grows endlessly. What to do? What should I do?

In general, it is very sad that you have to do something based on the fact that you are obliged. After all, this is what makes relationships between people hell. When a person allows himself to see his relationships, for example, with loved ones, then he can see that those whom he “loved” most, as he believed, he “hates” most. Why is this happening? It is close people who have the most difficult relationships, as they throw everything out at each other. And at the same time, they must, so to speak, “love” each other . What kind of love can there be out of necessity? How is this possible? But this is how people basically live. Absurd. But duty and love are different concepts. Where there is debt, there is a feeling of guilt, and where there is a feeling of guilt, there is no place for love.

To solve this puzzle, simply take back your right to be yourself and get out of the dock. No one will dare to judge you if you yourself do not consider yourself guilty. Only you can voluntarily give others the privilege of being your judges. It is enough to simply allow yourself to live in accordance with your own credo . If you allow yourself to be yourself, the need to make excuses will disappear, and the fear of punishment will dissipate. Then a truly amazing thing will happen: no one will dare to offend you or reproach you for anything. And then you will be able to manage your life as your heart tells you, and not be a weak-willed puppet in the hands of manipulators.

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