Before you engage in self-flagellation and fill your head with thoughts of “I’m a bad mother,” let’s figure it out and find out what guilt is and how to deal with it.
Guilt
- this is a kind of indicator that gives a signal to the psyche that a bad deed has been committed. That is, every time you do something wrong, the feeling of guilt becomes a kind of “bell” signaling a failure so that you pay attention to it. The feeling of guilt towards the child arises at the moment when you make mistakes in relation to the baby. You scold him, put pressure on him, reproach him or ignore him. Feelings of guilt also arise when you do not pay proper attention to your child or do not play with him.
Permissiveness is also a common reason why a mother feels guilty towards her baby. Despite the fact that many psychologists advise getting rid of guilt, in a sense, it is useful. Guilt forces you to remember the importance of all areas of a child’s development and to take a responsible attitude towards the fact that another life is going on inside you, and towards motherhood itself in general. When you do something wrong, it is the feeling of guilt that brings you back to what you missed in order to make up for the imbalance. But in some situations, guilt does not play into our hands.
Guilt is harmful
As a rule, some “excesses”
, the feeling of guilt does not arise for some reason, but always. At this moment, guilt arises not because you did a bad thing, but because you are hurt by someone else's opinion. The feeling of guilt develops into constant anxiety, as a result of which you become suspicious and always think about what you did wrong. But how can you determine how great the feeling of guilt is and whether it concerns you personally? A small exercise, which we will discuss below, can help with this.
Exercise “Am I Guilty?”
To determine the degree of guilt you need to take a pen and a piece of paper. Draw a medium-sized circle in the center and divide it into four parts (sectors).
Each sector will correspond to a specific stage of child development:
- Physical – development of the child’s health, strength, beauty, skills. Your task is to take your child to gymnastics, swimming, maintain a daily routine, proper nutrition, etc.
- Intellectual – doing homework with the child, learning languages, extracurricular education, reading books, watching educational cartoons. Driving to study groups, and just talking and explaining how the world works.
- Emotional development involves how you communicate with your child and how you teach him to interact with his peers. How sociable he is, how he understands social rules, whether he has leadership qualities.
- Relationship with the child - how much the child can trust you and whether he will be able to open up in your family.
- 0 is the center of the circle;
- 10 – on the periphery.
- 0 - this means that you do not feel guilty at all;
- 10 - constantly reproach and blame yourself.
Next, on each of the axes you need to put a mark on how much guilt you feel towards your child:
Respectively:
Now you need to think about how much guilt is expressed in each of the above stages. Place the points on a scale from 0 to 10. You will end up with a curve after you combine the points.
So, if on all axes your marks are less than 5, then most likely you are a fairly confident, calm and balanced mother. You know what to do and how to raise your child.
If the marks are more than 5, then most likely, the feeling of guilt often depresses you and it is not useful, but is harmful. You may often say to yourself, “I’m a bad mother.”
Having found out how much guilt you have, let's find out what to do if you are constantly being accused and how to deal with it.
What is the root of evil?
A working woman gnaws at herself because, for the sake of money, career or other reasons, she left her children in the care of a nanny, kindergarten or grandmother. It seems to her that she, like a cuckoo, gave birth and abandoned her child to the mercy of fate. Thinking this way, she tries to calm her own conscience by giving her children toys, sweets and other joys of children’s life that can be bought with money.
However, this technique does not always work, and conscience persistently does not want to leave her alone. Many grandparents love their grandchildren so madly and spoil them at every opportunity precisely because they feel guilty for having once neglected their children.
With working mothers everything is clear. But why does this nasty feeling of guilt not leave those parents who raise their children themselves? The fact is that many women who have the opportunity to give their children a family education at an early age or at an older age suffer from excessive perfectionism. Negative energy of unfinished business
This is due to the fact that in our society there is an unsightly stereotype of a housewife. It is believed that if a woman works only as a mother and wife, she must turn into a narrow-minded slob in curlers and a mended robe, interested exclusively in TV series and gatherings on women’s forums on cooking and home economics.
Afraid of living up to this stereotype, mothers put a lot of effort into looking good. They study modern methods of early development, rush with their kids to developmental centers, swimming pools, dances, etc., study with them at home, take them for walks twice a day.
At the same time, such women try to prepare three to five dishes every day in order to please the tastes of all family members, and also keep the house in perfect order. However, with such a shock work regime, the nervous system often cannot withstand it. A woman forgets about her own needs, lashes out at her children, and does not pay enough attention to her husband. After another breakdown, she feels guilty again and again.
Why did our grandmothers, for example, not feel guilty before their own children for sending them to a nursery from the age of two months, since that was how long maternity leave lasted at that time? The most beautiful mother: why take care of yourself while on maternity leave
And the generation of our parents sent us to a nursery from the age of one or two and also did not feel guilty about anything towards us. The whole difference is that then the information field surrounding the woman consisted of a maximum of two neighbors and an old grandmother. Plus some other work colleagues who have the same limited range of information sources.
Now, thanks to the media (television, specialized magazines, the Internet), the information field of women is enormous. Naturally, faced willy-nilly with such a volume of information, comparing herself with thousands of other mothers who have succeeded in some areas of life, a woman realizes that her capabilities are limited.
She does the first, second and third with her child, and other mothers, it turns out, manage to do the fourth, fifth and tenth. A woman has an ideal picture of a “good mother.” And when this picture collides with her real possibilities, a spark flares up, igniting dissatisfaction with herself. Dissatisfaction with oneself gradually increases, and along with it a feeling of guilt is cultivated, and the “bad mother” syndrome arises. Practicing minimalism with children: simplifying life
Sources of Guilt
Guilt can arise for various reasons, but there are usually two sources:
External sources
Feelings of guilt are most often caused by the child’s condition and behavior when the baby is sick or behaves badly.
In all other cases, the feeling of guilt develops against the background of how your spouse and other relatives treat you. Do they judge you or criticize your methods of education? The slightest comments about how you dress your child can throw you off track. Even statements from famous doctors or other specialists can emphasize your feelings of guilt. Pediatricians and other children's specialists can be very harsh in their judgment and even outright blaming, saying, "Mommy, where were you looking?" To determine how much pressure your environment puts on you, you need to repeat the previous step. Take a piece of paper, a pen, and colored pencils and draw the same circle with four sectors (see picture above). And mark from 0 to 10 what others expect from you in the areas of child development:
Use one color to mark what your spouse expects from you. Perhaps, in the child’s physical development, he expects from you 8-9, but in the intellectual development, a two is enough for him. Using the same principle, note what your parents expect from you. This way you can experiment and identify all the people whose opinions matter to you.
Results:
If your marks are less than 5, and basically your loved ones are satisfied with everything, then this means that those around you trust you and support you. If the marks are above 5, then most likely you are experiencing strong pressure from others, they expect a lot from you. This can trigger strong feelings of guilt.
What to do if you are constantly under pressure?
Constant dissatisfaction and pressure from others makes a person feel very bad. You can only cope with it when you have a “support group”, that is, people who think you are good. They do not criticize you idlely and consider your actions to be correct. Do you have such people? Think about it.
Unfortunately, the environment is far from the only thing that influences feelings of guilt. A woman’s character traits also play an important role. For example, such a personality trait as perfectionism
contributes to the development of feelings of guilt, because women usually set high demands on themselves and get very upset if nothing works out. The ambitions of various family members also contribute to the development of feelings of guilt, as well as unfulfilled dreams. And this applies not only to you, but also to your parents.
Is there a way out?
In healthy doses, guilt, like everything else in life, can be very beneficial. It is a kind of engine that pushes a woman forward, does not allow her to stop developing, and stimulates interest in new areas of life, in self-realization. The main thing is to find that middle ground that will allow you to stay afloat and not slide into the abyss of depression or, even worse, psychosis. Then you will need qualified help from a psychologist and psychiatrist.
Of course, there is no clear algorithm for how to avoid feeling guilty in front of a child. Children are all different. The character, mental and physical characteristics, living conditions, age of the child - all this has a significant impact on how the mother should behave with him, how to raise him and how much time to devote to him.
Perfectionistic views of motherhood
Many modern mothers have built a picture in their heads that it is necessary to be an ideal mother and an ideal wife.
. They believe that it is necessary to manage everything, to be well-groomed, caring, to have time to take care of themselves, their home, and their husband. But even keeping up with everything is not enough. It is important to take this to the highest level.
In addition, many young mothers are overwhelmed with ambitions related to raising a child. They give birth and raise a child not just to live and enjoy life, but so that the child becomes the very best
: the smartest, the most sociable, the healthiest, the happiest, etc. Living according to such a scheme of ideality, disappointment is inevitable, as well as a feeling of guilt if you were unable to ensure that the child met all the criteria. But where do all these ambitions and ideas about the ideal come from?
Ideal ideas are born thanks to:
To check how high (or too low) your internal bar is, do a similar exercise as mentioned above (see the circle picture at the beginning of the article). Draw a circle, divide it into 4 sectors and use different colors to mark how developed your child is in each of the four areas: physical, intellectual, emotional, relationship with the child. Enter a number from 0 to 10. And use the second color to mark how developed you would like the child to be.
Results.
Once you have placed the points, see how large the discrepancy is between them. If the discrepancy between the present and the expected is more than 2 (on 2-4 axes), then most likely you are dissatisfied with the current state of affairs.
If you fall into the category of moms with high standards, then ask yourself the following questions and answer them honestly.
If you are still overwhelmed by a feeling of guilt because you are doing something wrong, then make a list of those people to whom you want to prove something. This will greatly help you return from the world of ideal.
But is the feeling of guilt always real? Perhaps this is just a mask behind which is hiding a completely different problem?
Definition of the concept
Guilt is a negative emotional feeling that arises in a person due to the fear of judgmental assessment by surrounding (significant) people of his actions or intentions. Feelings of guilt are common to all normal people. But the degree of its strength and influence on everyday life can vary.
All “guilt” can be divided into two groups:
- conscious;
- unconscious.
There is conscious guilt, a person understands its nature, knows or suspects the reasons for its occurrence. With unconscious “guilt,” a person does not understand the causes and manifestations of processes that negatively affect his personality, behavior, perception of the world around him and current events.
Feelings of guilt towards parents are negative emotions that are formed in children under the influence of the special nature of the relationship with their parents. The key reason for the formation of a feeling of “guilt” towards the mother and father is a certain parenting style.
Parents, by their chosen strategy of behavior towards their children, determine the degree of guilt towards them with which their sons and daughters will subsequently have to live.
All parents can be divided into two groups:
- "good enough";
- manipulators.
“Good enough” mothers and fathers understand that their baby is an individual. They spend all their upbringing efforts on developing the traits and qualities of an independent, healthy and self-sufficient personality. Their son/daughter will grow and develop side by side, but sooner or later will go into free swimming. Such parents understand that their children will still love them. These are simply the rules of normal life.
“Manipulative parents” view the child as an integral part of their life. Even before the baby is born, the mother and father “shape” his appearance, character traits and habits. Such parents make life plans with their daughters and sons, without providing for the option in which the children sooner or later grow up and begin to live their own lives. They build relationships using various manipulative models that force their sons and daughters to submit to their will out of guilt.
There are two reasons for the manipulative behavior of mothers and fathers.
- Parents have no idea that they are manipulating their children, destroying their normal future. They do not have the necessary knowledge in the field of psychology and education. Mothers and fathers behave as the current situation and their own experience allow.
- The presence of psychological problems “from childhood” in the parents themselves. The feeling of “guilt” is formed due to the desire of mothers and fathers to protect their children from the difficulties that they themselves encountered when interacting with their parents as children.
All manipulations with the help of which “guilt” is formed in children are divided into two groups:
- verbal;
- non-verbal.
Verbal manipulations include various words and expressions. We hear them all the time in the family, on the street or on TV.
Examples of reproaches and statements of a manipulative nature:
- “You don’t love us and don’t value us”;
- “We do everything in our power for you, and you...”;
- “The best years have passed on you”;
- “It would be better if a girl/boy was born, as your sister/your brother asked”;
- “When I’m gone, then do what you want”;
- “This is not how you should do it, everything is in one place”;
- “With such behavior, nothing good awaits you”;
- “Masha is doing well with the neighbors, and you...”;
- “You did not live up to our hopes”;
- “We expected more”;
- “Where did this come from?”
Nonverbal manipulation includes facial expressions, gestures, intonation, and behavior. Initially, children perceive their mother using non-verbal communication methods.
All this is absorbed on a subconscious level. Later, when the child grows up, non-verbal behavioral manifestations of parents are still taken seriously.
