What to do if a child does not want to study, go to school, and also does not want to communicate with peers and help around the house? What to do if teenagers do not want to work on themselves and study with teachers, and during confidential conversations they completely refuse to talk about such topics? Agree, this behavior of cheerful, kindly mischievous, passionate and purposeful children requires immediate intervention from parents. Leaving a child alone with apathy is unacceptable, because it will ultimately destroy his emotional, physical and even spiritual potential. A psychologist's advice will help you outline the right strategy for action if a teenage child does not want to study or go to school.
Is it possible to be forced to study?
A teenager who doesn’t want to study, is rude and downright lazy? It’s not easy to force him, and a psychologist can give advice not to resort to harsh coercion, but... There are those very cases when a child simply blatantly shirks. At the same time, he slacks off, playing games, getting caught up in entertaining videos, etc., without planning his future at all.
The first aspect of strict control is checking the online diary and homework. Here, by the way, “distance learning” and parent chats, which are disliked by many parents of schoolchildren, will help - finding out about assignments, the child’s presence in lessons and other school details is quite possible.
The second aspect is sanctions in case of non-compliance. The most effective are economic ones - up to the complete deprivation of all purchases and money in hand. Considering that teenagers usually expect fashionable clothes, gadgets, etc. from their parents, they don’t want to be left with an old phone, an older sister’s jacket and a pot of soup in the refrigerator.
A first-grader child is crying at school.
Hello Margarita!
Oh, these prejudices and stereotypes: “if I gave in, I didn’t give in” - this doesn’t make it any easier for the child, and from all these prejudices and destructive programs the child’s fragile and unformed psyche is now suffering... who, simply due to his age, is not able to understand everyone our adult toys and manipulations... why make a neurotic out of a child and indulge strange prejudices yourself?
The most important thing for any mother is to stand guard over the interests of the child, and not to guard the interests of the so-called notorious public opinion, which is categorically put forward by the opinion of Aunt Masha on the bench... (about many participants in the “bench gatherings”, one would like to say mentioning “the city and girl,” so is it worth focusing on the opinion of those people from whom their city has not yet completely “moved out”, and at the same time they teach others about life, being still nobody and recording the fact that age has again come without wisdom?) )
You shouldn’t let the opinion of some granny on a bench be more important than the comfort and tranquility of your child...
Why force a child to do something he doesn’t want to do, why is it necessary for him to meet some expectations and be “like everyone else” - every person can no longer be like everyone else, there are not even two identical snowflakes and drops of water... why should a person react only this way and no other way? why does a child have to go somewhere, why not continue to leave him in individual education (until the true reasons for his difficulties in adaptation, socialization and communication are clarified and corrected? And the whole difficulty may lie in the fact that he simply does not know how to react correctly to what is happening, but you can’t prepare templates for all situations? Then how? It turns out that you should teach a child improvisation and freedom of reactions, without regard to whether others will like his reaction or not? And only someone who is independent of himself can teach public (and others like it) opinion, free, liberated, flexible, witty, diplomatic, congruent, empathetic, charismatic - isn’t it?)
Why force a child to do something he doesn’t want? Why should you focus on your child’s characteristics? Why not find something positive and good in this situation? After all, every person has something good, some successes and achievements in his personal development, so we can place more emphasis on them - what we emphasize is what manifests itself in our lives...
and it’s even better to allow your child to simply live and enjoy this life, and not to dramatize the situation, complicating the already difficult life of modern children... including your own...
You can, of course, agree that in many ways you have to interact with a difficult society that is embittered and shows intolerance and cruelty (what can you do, not everyone has “left their towns and villages” yet, unfortunately, but a positive trend is already noticeable) and so society has existed at all times, but it didn’t become only recently... remember history and mythology - now society is even more tolerant, loyal and tolerant than it was in earlier periods of human development...
it is better to emphasize that every person has something good, he simply hid this good for certain reasons and circumstances in his life...
and try to teach your daughter to see something good in any person, even something more than just his negative action or even the person himself, or explain to her that if a person hurts someone (bugs and worms), yes and people), then he thus throws out pain... his pain, so let your daughter learn to identify what kind of pain a person has, because any aggression does not arise from a good life - it is a cry for help, cruelty from dislike, or , on the contrary, from excessive guardianship - from which a person no longer knows what to do, and you, as a psychologist, don’t you know about what I want to tell you now (or have you forgotten?)
This is a manifestation of elementary defensive reactions of the psyche, isn’t it? what defensive reaction does your daughter activate? and why, without understanding it, are you trying to break this defensive reaction (“but not to give in”?) Do you really think that your daughter, at this stage of her development, will suddenly turn off her childish part (which perhaps does not understand why someone can , but for some not) and the parental or adult part will turn on, but is it worth turning it off internally, Child, or maybe you should understand yourself and, first of all, relieve your excessive tension?
Or maybe you and your daughter should be “on the same wavelength”, taking into account her individual differences and modalities of perception?
teach your daughter empathy, don’t focus on what you can’t do, emphasize her achievements and victories, encourage her to simply live in joy and peace with others and, above all, with herself... because the world is a reflection of our inner harmony or resonance and What does your daughter want to tell you?
So listen, first of all, to yourself and your feelings... what resonance does it reveal, first of all, in you? What do you see when you “look into it like in a mirror”?
most likely there was a situation in early childhood (or even earlier), which is now a trigger and turns on a negative emotional state in your daughter when certain circumstances are repeated or hinted at... the root cause should be identified, destructive neural connections should be worked out and that negative one should be “rewritten” program that your daughter has...
there are similar methods in clinical psychology... and if you are a psychologist yourself, you will understand what I’m talking about...
and if you yourself are a psychologist, then you understand perfectly well that at the moment the expert will help you only within the framework of the consultation provided by this format, and it is great that you at least understand and realize the seriousness of the situation and are striving to get the missing resources from other experts, but other experts also need to replenish and compensate their resources in the same way; no one feeds on air, right? And no one will dare to cross out from the list of basic resources those resources that we can do without... and again, resources are not reimbursed for volunteering...
for starters, at least start with healing your inner child... yours and your daughter's...
perhaps already at this stage the initial moment of positive dynamics and a tendency towards healing will appear, try a regressive trance (taking into account, of course, the characteristics of your little patient:) do not forget about the safety and environmental friendliness of your activities, do not create even stronger moments of codependency, try and other methods of clinical psychology...
In my practice, I use methods of integral and neuro-programming, methods of correcting the situation through archetypes and metaphors, bioenergy therapeutic methods, art therapeutic methods, methods of Psychosomatics and Quantum Psychology, and if you wish, contact me - your situation can be resolved.
I won’t find out here how your pregnancy proceeded?
How was the development of the fetus?
what primordial traumas and traumas of the beginning of life could there be? (both you and your daughter);
When could the situation first arise?
How did you first react when you found out you were pregnant and held your baby in your arms immediately after its birth? what did you experience?
How was your postpartum period?
How was breastfeeding and bottle feeding?
How did the child react to the interruption and termination of breastfeeding?
How often did you use pacifiers?
what toys did the child have?
his attitude to the circus, clowns and the zoo, fairy tales and cultural ethnicity?
to loud sounds and music?
Could situations arise that frightened the child? (And we, as psychologists, know that a person has only two innate fears, and the rest are acquired and/or imposed);
were there any allergic reactions?
How did the child himself react to this world, from birth to the present moment?
when did you go, when did you speak?
Have you installed a ZPR?
How did your family and friends feel about your pregnancy and the birth of your child?
How did the family treat him, who helped you with the child?
What do you think could have triggered the situation?
What can hold this situation and prevent it from improving?
Most likely, what your daughter voices is only the “tip of the iceberg”, and the true request is “hidden” somewhere deep.
there is something that always stands behind any fear, inability and reluctance...
These and many other questions you will ask yourself or they will be asked by the specialist you decide to contact...
Today, clinical psychology has a huge range of psychodiagnostic and effective correctional and rehabilitation methods... and Specialists improve their skills every day, expanding their tools.
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What compromise options are realistic?
If a teenager does not want to go to school, it is quite possible that the problem is at school. In bullying of classmates, unprofessional behavior of teachers, the exorbitance of modern school workloads.
In general, it is difficult to find a teenager who wants to study because it is pleasant.
For many reasons, for many high school students, school becomes, if not a “branch of hell,” then a boring and time-consuming obligation.
There are many reasons that prevent you from taking your studies seriously.
What can be done?
- Transfer to another school.
- Consider the option of enrolling in a secondary specialized educational institution or college with a vocational focus. Many teenagers are motivated by getting a profession they like, and not by two or three years of general education drudgery for the sake of a school certificate that is not particularly necessary in life.
- Take your child to a psychologist or psychotherapist. “Teenage dramas”, complexes, depression and disorders are not nonsense, but real problems that interfere with learning and living in general.
- If a child is simply tired and does not have time to study at the pace of the class, it is better to find tutors in important subjects, and allow them to “miss the stars from the sky” in minor ones. Some tasks can actually be done “with your left foot” if you understand that they are needed simply for the sake of the program, and not for really important knowledge. It is quite possible to live without an honest reading of War and Peace, and it is not difficult to slightly alter an essay from the Internet and close the topic.
What to do if a teenager doesn't want anything
The lack of desire among boys and girls to do anything is one of the key reasons for family conflicts, which often end in emotional exhaustion, as well as mutual grievances and claims between children and parents. To avoid a teenager’s negative reaction to a specific request or everyday advice, putting pressure on him using physical force or all kinds of prohibitions and restrictions on freedom is unacceptable.
You should talk to a school-age child as an equal, because he is already a fairly independent, intelligent and sensible person. First of all, it is necessary to delicately find out the cause of apathy, and then use personal example to illustrate to your beloved child how to overcome difficulties with optimism. A truthful story about your own negative experience will help establish a confidential dialogue with your son or daughter. Identifying priorities, as well as feeling the needs and desires of the child is the first, but most important stage in eliminating the social passivity of a teenager. If a parent, due to objective reasons, cannot find a common language with the child, then an experienced child psychologist will certainly help painlessly, and most importantly, solve this problem in a timely manner.
