Consultation for parents “The child does not want to go to kindergarten”

Often parents are faced with the problem that their child does not want to go to kindergarten. But sometimes the child, on the contrary, does not want to return home from it. And if the first situation is quite typical, then the second can drive parents into a stupor, and in the worst case, bring disappointment in themselves. But don’t get discouraged about your parenting abilities in advance. It is better to try to find the reasons why the child does not want to leave kindergarten and understand how to solve the problem.

Does my child need to attend kindergarten?

No matter how sociable and calm a child is, no matter how eager he is to go to kindergarten “to see the kids,” he experiences the first days in an unfamiliar environment surrounded by strangers as extreme stress .
Over the previous three years, he had been inseparable from his mother, constantly feeling her presence and support, and suddenly she left, leaving him alone among noisy and jostling children, in the care of an angry teacher. For the first time, a baby separated from home and loved ones experiences real fear:

• will mom come back?
• won't she leave him here forever?
• Why did my mother leave me, doesn’t she love me anymore? etc.

In a state close to despair, the baby does not perceive the comforting words of the teacher and nanny, does not respond to friendly invitations to take part in the game, and, huddled in a corner, suffers quietly or loudly. By the time his mother arrived, he was so emotionally devastated that he had no strength left for a joyful meeting.

At home he also behaves unusually: too quietly or, on the contrary, hysterical, refuses to eat, follows his mother with his tail, and at night he sleeps restlessly, sobs and even wets himself in his sleep, which has not happened for a long time.

After 1-2 days, the baby may get a “cold” not so much because he picked up unfamiliar viruses and bacteria from the children, but because of reduced immunity as a result of stress. Does the child need to attend kindergarten in this case?

In many families, visiting kindergarten ends here, and the child returns to his familiar environment under his mother’s or grandmother’s wing, and an attempt to join social life is remembered as a nightmare. Won't momentary pity for a child result in serious psychological problems in later school and adult life?

Why does a child need to go to kindergarten?

Experts are confident that for full development, character formation and integration into the social environment, it is better for children to grow up in a team than to constantly be at home with their mother, grandmother or nanny.

Psychologists insist that the optimal option for a child’s adaptation to society is kindergarten.

In a group, a child not only learns to communicate with other children, but also gets used to independence

Visiting kindergarten has its positive sides:

• the child learns to interact with other people. And we are talking not only about children, but also about adults, because the baby gets to know several teachers, a music director, a psychologist and other kindergarten employees;
• psychologists and teachers note that in a group children begin to develop faster . The secret of this is simple: a child who did not want to complete tasks at home, watches his peers, and wants to be the first, the best, and also strives to learn certain skills. The instinct of leadership and competition awakens in him;
• teaching discipline : a very important moment for a growing child. Today, many parents encourage free upbringing, when a child can do anything. But it becomes very difficult for such children at school, where there are no more games, but they need to complete the teacher’s assignments. It is in the kindergarten that children get used to discipline in a playful way, and by the senior preschool age they already realize what can be done and what cannot;
• organizing a daily routine : doctors around the world insist that teaching a child to a certain routine has a positive effect on his development. If a child does not know what a regime is until he is two or three years old, in the garden in a few months the body will get used to the new rules. And after graduating from preschool, the child will not have problems at school, because everything there is also on time and schedule;
• shows independence and character : when the mother is not around all the time, the baby begins to analyze many situations himself and make decisions for which only he is responsible.

Very often, it is in the garden that a child develops a good appetite, and parents cannot get enough of it, because before their baby could not be forced to eat normally

In the kindergarten they don’t want to be friends with the child, he is very worried

Marina, good afternoon,

In children's groups, as well as in adults, some kind of group dynamics is constantly going on. In a large group, mini-groups appear that carefully guard their boundaries. Most likely, your child really likes a particular group that carefully protects itself from “strangers.”

At the age of 5, children are already capable of “strong love”, as well as jealousy. And they experience being rejected. The trouble is that sometimes they cannot even explain the nature of their feelings either to their parents or to themselves. “She doesn’t want to play with me” is a typical description of the tragedy of unhappy love. But this is not at all necessary; children who have rallied into a group can simply enjoy “expelling the stranger.”

Children, in one form or another, reproduce patterns of social behavior of adults. In particular, they like to create “closed clubs”. Trying to break into such a “club” as you advised your son to do is very difficult: they feel more united the more people they refuse to join their club.

Advise him to be friends with those who play alone or easily get along with others. Gradually he will have his own company.

Group dynamics sometimes cause "closed clubs" to break down. And then it may turn out that those children from the “close-knit team” who refused him friendship will begin to be friends with him separately.

This excursion into social psychology was made for you. The teacher and even the psychologist may not notice this because they pay attention to other aspects of the children’s behavior. In this discussion, you have already been advised to try to take a closer look at what is happening in your child’s team. If there is such an opportunity, then try to do it.

Ask your son about the different kids in his group: who he likes and who he doesn't and why; who is friends with whom and who is at odds with whom, who plays alone; who everyone loves, but who, on the contrary, is not loved. In general, restore the picture of what is happening.

Advise him to try to be friends with someone who plays alone or who is not very liked (unless, of course, this child does not have a tendency to aggression or any other dangerous habits).

At the age of 5, children begin to develop social reflection. For your son, it did not turn on automatically, so it needs to be gradually formed. His tears are precisely a request for the formation of social reflection and skills of social relations. They don't just come down to the game.

Social skills are easier to develop in children from large and large families (many adult relatives and many children), worse in those families where there is only one child and all adult activity occurs outside the family.

It is very good that your son is striving to actively overcome the problem he faces. It would be worse if he just kept to himself. Just try to help him, without unnecessary emotions and panic, even if you yourself are a little scared.

If you yourself have some difficulties with social adaptation, then consult your husband or more active friends. You can consult with psychologists, but first it makes sense to collect more information about what is happening in the group.

If there is a need for consultation, please contact us. I'll try to help you.

Boys don't want to be friends with a child (1 answer)

Gorev Andrey.
Psychologist, family consultant (work via Skype) Good answer73 Bad answer1

Age imprint

One of the main conditions for a child’s successful adaptation to the children’s group is the correct age. A child can be sent to a child care institution at both 2 and 4 years old - it all depends on the capabilities of the family. Each age may have its own problems that you need to be prepared for.

For example, for two-year-olds to learn to take care of themselves (eat, dress, use the potty). In addition, due to the lack of sufficient experience, they practically do not know how to establish contact with other children: get to know each other, play together, share toys.

At of three, children experience an age crisis when they become aware of themselves as a separate, free, significant person. Depending on the severity of the crisis, the severity of adaptation to kindergarten will also be different. one stressful situation will inevitably . Therefore, psychologists do not recommend sending children to kindergarten until the crisis subsides.

By four , a child knows how to take care of himself and can make friends and play with other kids. But established habits can have an impact here: being with your mother at home, following your own routine and following your own rules. Breaking these foundations is more difficult with age.

Therefore, to select a child for kindergarten, it would be optimal to choose a period between 3 and 4 years.

Try not to combine the process of adaptation to kindergarten with other stressful situations (divorce of parents, moving to a new place, death of a loved one, birth of a youngest child).

How long will the adaptation take?

This question worries parents perhaps most of all. Everything will depend on many factors:

• baby's age;
• the presence of a parallel stressful situation;
• parents have other children;
• degree of child custody;
• the level of his dependence on his mother;
• uncertainty, anxiety of the baby;
• immunity strength;
• stability of the nervous system;
• degree of openness, sociability of the baby, etc.

Depending on these factors, adaptation can occur with varying degrees of complexity.

• Easy.

It goes away on average in 3 – 4 weeks, without any particular scandals or hysterics (but not without them). The kid quickly makes friends among his classmates and learns to trust the teacher. He happily talks about everything that happened to him during the day; he is interested in going to new friends again. His speech develops quite quickly.

• Medium (most common).

It can drag on for 2, and sometimes more, months. The child perceives kindergarten as a punishment for a long time, does not want to go there, wakes up in a bad mood, and is capricious. He may say that it seems normal in kindergarten, but he doesn’t want to go there. This is due, first of all, to the breaking of foundations: at home he himself established the rules of the game and norms of behavior, but here he has to reckon with others and obey.

• Severe (quite rare).

It is usually typical for children with developmental delays and mental problems. But sometimes it can also manifest itself in ordinary children who grew up spoiled, did not know failure and turned out to be completely unprepared for new living conditions. Also “at risk” are children from disadvantaged families. It is extremely difficult (and sometimes impossible) to accustom such a child to kindergarten.

If a child systematically does not listen to the teacher, is rude to him, ignores the daily routine of the kindergarten and the rules of behavior adopted here, you should pay close attention to this. Such a child, during a general lesson, can demonstratively do something of his own and get angry, reacting to comments; he is aggressive and hostile towards other children: he hits them, pushes them, takes away their toys.

In this case, the child and mother should visit a child psychologist. If the specialist concludes that it is possible for the child to stay in kindergarten, then it is better for the child to sit out the time of correctional work with a psychologist at home. If adaptation is impossible, the baby will be sent to a special correctional kindergarten.

it can take up to 3 months from the moment the negative manifestations disappear until the child fully adapts to kindergarten . All this time he needs his mother's love, understanding and support. And to make the adjustment less painful, the mother should prepare the child for such an important event in advance.

What to do if the baby refuses to go to kindergarten?

Parents may react differently to the fact that their child does not want to go to kindergarten. Some shout and scold the baby, others indulge all his whims. Both approaches are wrong.

You should not refuse to attend preschool without objective reasons.
This will only make the adaptation period longer. It must be remembered that kindergarten is an important stage of development. Advantages of visiting an educational institution:

• socialization _ A person learns to find a common language with other people;
• developing an understanding of how to behave in a team. This will help in the future when studying at school, university, or at work;
• gaining new knowledge and experience . In kindergarten, children exchange information. Teachers provide the knowledge necessary for school. At home, the child receives less information, especially if the mother does not deal with him well;
• getting used to life according to a routine . This disciplines a person, helps him further achieve his goals;
• strengthening the immune system . Children who attended kindergarten are less likely to get sick at school than those who were at home all the time. This is explained by the fact that in a group environment, the baby’s body becomes familiar with a large number of pathogens, developing resistance to them.

If you do not remove the fear of going to kindergarten, the child will grow up unconfident, withdrawn, and aggressive. Even as an adult, a person will adapt poorly and experience fear of strangers and new surroundings.

Psychologists recommend that parents whose children refuse to go to preschool do the following:

• before leaving your child in kindergarten for the first time, it is worth visiting this institution to get to know the group and the teacher;
• at home, protect the baby’s nervous system from overload;
• change the daily routine at home to the one that applies in kindergarten;
• During the adaptation period, pay more attention to the child. Parents should show that they love their baby;
• help make friends with other children, teacher;
• ensure that the child is neat and well dressed. There are times when children begin to tease and offend an unkempt baby. You also need to pay attention to weight;
• tell what is interesting in kindergarten. There you can play, have fun, find new friends;
• Give the baby the opportunity to wear the things he wants.

Reasons why a child does not want to go to kindergarten at 2 and 3 years old - table

• The baby is afraid of a change in environment and regime.

When a baby is not yet three years old, he urgently needs the attentive attitude of his mother. A baby from his familiar home environment, where his beloved mother is always nearby, finds himself in a strange world, where all the people are completely unfamiliar to him, even if they treat him positively.

The baby has to accept the rules of the daily routine, which may differ from those he had at home. It is also important to take into account the need for discipline, which was not so categorical with my mother. Violation of personal space and daily routine provokes the appearance of hysterics.

• Negative experience of the first visit to kindergarten.

Often it is this negative experience that results in the child’s categorical refusal to further attend the preschool.

• The child is not mentally ready for kindergarten.

This reason can be the most difficult to solve. Its origins may lie in the developmental characteristics of each child. Sometimes the primary source of this problem is a lack of emotional communication with the mother.

• An overabundance of impressions.

There are so many emotions that overwhelm a baby in kindergarten that the baby may simply get tired and overtired. In this regard, unexpected whims, tears, and nerves appear.

• Negative attitude of staff towards the child.

This is not always the case, but such a condition should not be excluded.

Consultation for parents “The child does not want to go to kindergarten”

Consultation for parents of children of primary and preschool age: “The child does not want to go to kindergarten”

Not every child goes to kindergarten every day with great pleasure. And this is not surprising, because the child needs to wake up early, the food is different from his favorite home food, the teachers do not allow him to do everything he likes, there is a daily routine, and, most importantly, there is no mother, no father, or even grandparents . But it is possible to make a child want to go to kindergarten...

Sometimes parents, instead of understanding the reason for the child’s behavior, almost drag their children to kindergarten. In this case, they only achieve the opposite effect: the child throws even more hysterics, they become more frequent, longer and more demonstrative. Aggression always causes retaliatory aggression

, it is important to remember this always when you communicate with your child.
Therefore, in this way you will not be able to force your child to go to kindergarten with pleasure. In this case, it is better to interest the child in some very important and meaningful matter for him
, for example, show a new toy to the children and the teacher, bring a craft to the teacher, behave well so that he is praised.
It is important for children to feel like the first and best, to hear praise from adults and children
.

First, make sure

whether your baby is completely healthy and whether he slept well.
Often it is poor health that can be the reason that a child is capricious and does not want to go to kindergarten. If the child is completely healthy and feels good, then you need to look for another reason for his behavior. If you start asking him directly about what is happening, you most likely will not get any significant results
.

The most likely reason in this case will most likely be that the child is bored there. Perhaps he is not accustomed to classes and a daily routine. If this is the case, then try to mentally put yourself in your child’s shoes.

. Would you like to sit all day under supervision and do only what is allowed? At home, the child will always be much better, more fun and interesting. There are his favorite toys with which he can play whenever and however he wants, he can watch cartoons on TV, play on the computer, especially since his beloved parents or grandparents are always nearby and are ready to pay attention only to him.

If you, trying to persuade your child to go to kindergarten, appeal to his conscience

, think about the consequences of your words and actions. If you tell him that you need to go to work in order to earn money, and in turn he must go to kindergarten, think about what memories the child will have and what conclusions he will draw. He will consider attending kindergarten as his responsibility, which naturally entails a joyless perception of this fact. The child should perceive kindergarten not as a duty, but as an interesting pastime.

In this situation, almost any options for your behavior towards your child are good in order to achieve the desired result. The main thing is that in the morning, before leaving home, the child is in a good mood, then you will have less reason to worry during the day.

Undoubtedly, it cannot be left like this. You definitely need to figure out what's going on. And first we need to determine why this happens.

Causes

Difficulties in communicating with other children This can happen due to the child’s internal isolation or spoilage.

The child’s unwillingness to attend kindergarten If the parents have not taught him to have a daily routine (eat and sleep at a time), obedience (you need to follow certain rules of behavior, respect adults), and communicate with other children, he will not want to obey all this and go to kindergarten.

New kindergarten This is also a common reason why a child does not want to go to kindergarten. He may miss the old friends and caregiver he was used to.

The attitude of the teacher to the child More and more often, parents consider this factor to be the main reason why their child does not want to go to kindergarten in the morning. And although in fact this turns out to be exactly the case only in 30% of cases, such a development of events should not be excluded

Unusual environment New things, strange faces, unfamiliar rooms - some children react very sharply to all this: they want to stay at home, in their own environment. The result is to cling to your mother’s housecoat and flatly refuse to go to kindergarten.

Problems at home, in the family Often the reason why a child does not want to go to kindergarten is not at all in this child care institution, but in the child’s fears and worries about what is happening in his family. Divorce of parents, death of someone close, assault at home, frequent quarrels between father and mother.

Refusal of specific activities Sometimes the child does not like something specific in the kindergarten, so the protest can be directed at a specific point in the daily routine:

- teachers complain that he does not want to eat, refuses to sit at the table, scatters food around him;

- the baby does not want to sleep during the daytime, disturbing others, running around the bedroom or simply crying quietly in his crib;

- the child does not want to engage in drawing, modeling and other programs in kindergarten, which are now oversaturated in this children's institution.

Based on these factors, try to find out why the child does not want to go to kindergarten: what was the reason for the morning tantrums.

Helpful advice. You should not ask your child a question directly: “Why don’t you want to go to kindergarten?” He is unlikely to correctly and competently formulate the reason. A more flexible approach is needed, in accordance with the advice of psychologists.

Keep in mind. The faster you recognize the problem and possible reasons why your child does not want to go to kindergarten, the easier it will be to deal with it.

Proposed measures

• So, what to do if a child does not want to go to kindergarten, showing his protest in a variety of forms.
• Finding out the reasons
• Talk to the child. When picking him up from kindergarten, be sure to ask him how his day was. In such a conversation, he can tell which of the children offends him or that the teacher shouts too loudly. In 80% of cases, this is enough to identify the reasons why he does not want to go there.
• Talk to the teacher: calmly, politely, without raised tones or complaints. This way you will find out the opinion of the adult in whose care your child is in kindergarten. Listen to his advice and draw your own conclusions about the role of the teacher in your child’s life.
• Ask your child to draw a kindergarten. If the picture is lively, bright and joyful, the real reason for his tantrums lies outside the kindergarten: most likely, at home, in relations with his parents. If the drawing is dominated by dark tones, someone is crying, quarreling or swearing, it’s time to visit the teacher or show the drawings to a psychologist.
• Ask the teacher for the results of the classes conducted in the kindergarten. If your child is unable to sculpt or draw, read or make something, you will need to work with him additionally at home so that he does not feel inferior compared to other children.
• Elimination of causes
• If your child has difficulty getting along with other children, go out with him more often, try to break the circle of his isolation, socialize him with all available methods. Teach him to live in a team, society, society.
• Stop indulging him and spoiling him.
• The child’s daily routine at home and in kindergarten should coincide as much as possible in terms of meal times and daytime sleep.
• Raise your child so that he obeys his elders and understands subordination from an early age.

And a few more tips

• Try not to change kindergarten if your child wants to attend it and likes it there.
• If your child starts throwing tantrums because he doesn’t want to go to kindergarten, you shouldn’t snap at him. On the contrary: if the parents behave calmly, then he will stop being nervous.
• Don't let your child witness quarrels between adults. His parents' divorce should not affect him in any way.

So, if a child does not want to go to kindergarten, we need a full, comprehensive analysis of what is happening to him in the group, how other children and the teacher treat him. But the reason for such a child’s behavior is not always his environment and external factors. Often the problem lies either in himself or in the environment at home. Therefore, parents do not always assess the situation objectively. To prevent this from happening, the best option is to seek help from a child psychologist who will advise what needs to be done to solve this pressing problem.

Advice from psychologists on how to properly accustom a child to kindergarten

When children go to kindergarten over the age of three, as a rule, socially and psycho-emotionally they are already ready for such changes in their lives. The situation is much more complicated when a boy or girl goes to kindergarten at the age of two, but this is only possible in those kindergartens that have nursery groups. On the other hand, there are also experts who say that it is easier for a small child to get used to the garden than for an older one.

If you do not have the opportunity to leave your son or daughter at home longer, you should familiarize yourself with the recommendations on how to accustom a 2-year-old child to kindergarten, which are given by child psychologists. The following tips will help both moms and dads:

1. Socialize your baby. According to psychologists, a good preparation for kindergarten is to expand the child’s social circle. This recommendation should be especially followed by mothers who do not receive daily help from grandparents. To do this, you need to leave your baby with other relatives or friends more often.

2. Raise the “authority” of the kindergarten. You shouldn’t scare kids at kindergarten by saying that they will teach him discipline or good behavior. On the contrary, parents who are planning to send their son or daughter to a preschool in the near future should interest the little one by telling how fun the holidays and games with children are there.

3. Find out the kindergarten nutrition and introduce it to your baby. Accustom your child in advance to the food that will be in the garden. It is known that many children even refuse to eat at first, since their mother feeds them other foods at home. In addition to the fact that this approach will save your baby from starvation and you from worry, he will associate food with home.

4. Allow your child to take his favorite toy with him. This is one of the most effective and frequently used ways to accustom a child to kindergarten at 2.5 or 3 years old. Taking your beloved friend with you, the baby will no longer feel lonely after his mother leaves.

Good motivation is a good option for how to get your child used to kindergarten at 3 years old quickly and without tears. At this age, it is already possible to have a full-fledged dialogue with children, because they already understand their parents well.

If your baby is having a hard time adjusting to new social conditions, compromise: say that at the end of the day, if he doesn't cry and is an obedient boy or girl, you will go for a walk, roller skate, or play your favorite game together.

However, avoid the common mistake that many adults make who want to save themselves from the difficulties of children's adaptation to the garden. Never buy toys or sweets for your child just because he goes to kindergarten. You can buy them just like that for good behavior, but if you only promise to buy them once for visiting the kindergarten, the child will set such conditions every day.

The following factors can delay the adaptation process:

• fear of strangers;
• great dependence on mother;
• conflicts in the family;
• nervous disorders in children.

One of the important points in how to accustom a child to kindergarten is the child’s ability to care for himself. Before you take your son or daughter to preschool, be sure to teach him the following things:

• drink from a cup;
• eat on your own;
• go to the potty;
• be able to dress or show interest in this process.

How to stop a child from crying in kindergarten

Psychologists give parents the following advice if their children have poor adaptation in preschool institutions:

• create a routine at home similar to the kindergarten schedule (for example, have lunch before the daytime rest, like before bedtime in kindergarten);
• bring your favorite toy with you so that the child does not cry in kindergarten;
• accustom to kindergarten in stages, leave first for 2, then for 4 hours, gradually extending the time until the evening;
• Every day before leaving, tell the baby what time they will pick him up (after lunch, sleep, walk);
• if for some reason the baby does not like his sleeping place, you can ask the teacher to choose another bed to remove unpleasant associations;
• explain the benefits of kindergarten (the need to communicate with peers, make new acquaintances, etc.);
• teach the baby independence if he does not yet know how to take care of himself;
• get together in a good mood, without creating reasons for worry.

To better understand the reason for children's crying when visiting preschool institutions, parents should ask their children daily about the past day. You can even create a role-playing game, simulating being in kindergarten, which will help the baby open up better and voice exciting moments.

Poor adaptation to kindergarten is not a reason to refuse to attend. You can take the guys who don’t sleep in the garden and cry for a week until lunch, and then try to leave them to sleep again.

There is even a special prayer so that a child does not cry in kindergarten.