“Where is our grandfather now?”
Regardless of religious beliefs, it is important to explain to the child that the person is no longer in our world, and he will not be able to return, even if we all really want this.
It goes without saying that a loved one is now in heaven and is constantly looking at us from there. Can you imagine the pressure on a child to know that he is being watched around the clock? And if he committed some kind of prank, got a bad mark, lied, made a mistake... It turns out that now the deceased relative sees everything and there is no way to hide from him. And if during his lifetime he was an authority figure for the child, and even a strict person, it’s a total nightmare: increased anxiety is guaranteed.
It is better to explain that we can contact the deceased person at any time we want. That we can mentally talk to him or write a letter, share important events, talk about our feelings. That the family will regularly visit him at the cemetery, care for the grave, expressing their love and respect.
We can talk about the fact that the person will still live in our memory. That a piece of him remained in his affairs and in us ourselves - his children and grandchildren.
"Why did he die?"
The easiest way to explain the death of an elderly person is: “Grandfather lived in the world for many years, he had a long interesting life, but then he became very old and died.”
If a loved one was sick for a long time, we can say that this was the cause of his death. But it is better to explain that it was some kind of rare disease, that it was accompanied by some other serious health problems. Emphasize that neither you nor the child will get this disease. Do not under any circumstances imagine that your aunt died of the flu (so as not to scare you with the “terrible” cancer). Can you imagine what it will be like for a child to hear that he has the flu?
If the death occurred under unclear or shocking circumstances, there is no need to go into detail. Tell the truth: “You know, we don’t yet know how exactly this happened. When we understand, we will explain to you.” If the questions do not subside, then over time it is possible to give some version that is relatively true to reality, but acceptable for the child’s psyche.
Never associate death with something with which it cannot be associated, and do not try to induce a feeling of guilt: “You behaved badly, that’s why the hamster died” or “Grandmother had a hard time with such a naughty grandson, so her heart is not withstood." On the contrary, it is important to emphasize that the child is in no way to blame for the misfortune that occurred.
Should I take my child to a funeral?
Some psychologists believe that children under 8–10 years of age should not be taken to a funeral. Others argue that if we are talking about a very close person (parent), then you need to say goodbye, no matter how small the child is. It probably makes sense to be guided by the situation. But in any case, if you still decide to take the child with you, then it is important, firstly, to talk in advance about what happens at the funeral, to describe step by step the whole ritual and its meaning, so that the child is a little prepared. Tell that all people react differently to grief: someone cries, sobs, gets angry, or worries in silence with a straight face - and this is normal. Secondly, it is worth making sure that the child spends a minimum of time at the ceremony, and after that he is picked up by an adult whom the child trusts. A multi-hour event with farewells, processions and wakes is clearly not what a small child needs.
If your child did not attend the funeral, be sure to take him to the cemetery at another time. Let him bring flowers, some kind of gift or drawing for the deceased. This will be his way of dealing with grief.
It is not only possible, but also necessary to take teenagers to funerals. The fact that before reaching adulthood, a modern person sees tens of thousands of deaths on television, but not a single one in reality, greatly distorts the perception of reality. Facing death helps us realize that our world is not like a computer toy, where new lives are given in sets to replace the lost ones.
When someone close to you dies
Alas, death is not just an abstract concept; some children have to face it in reality. What to do in these cases?
Of course, you shouldn’t burden your kids with stories about murders in your area or the funerals of relatives whom the child didn’t really know during their lifetime. But if someone close to him died - father, mother, brother, sister, grandmother or grandfather - he must definitely report it.
Sometimes adults reason like this: let’s tell the baby that mom didn’t die, but went away for treatment (or dad didn’t die, but is on a long business trip), so as not to injure him. In fact, this only makes the problem worse. The child still lost a parent. Only this loss is mixed with resentment: it turns out that his mother left and didn’t even say goodbye to him, doesn’t call, doesn’t write - in a word, she abandoned him. At the same time, he hears snippets of strange conversations behind closed doors, sees the tears of relatives, the reason for which he does not know. He is in pain, but he is even deprived of the right to fully grieve about the loss - after all, everyone around him is trying to pretend that everything is in order, that nothing terrible has happened. His anxiety is growing. He feels something is wrong, but cannot understand what exactly.
Therefore, the first rule: it is advisable to tell the child on the same day that a loved one has died, he is no longer there. Provide support and attention. But there is no need to try to entertain and amuse the baby. Imagine if an adult man or woman, on the day of the death of a spouse or parent, was taken to go on rides and watch cartoons - would they feel good? A child is the same person. He also needs to experience grief.
