Children's understanding of death
The first idea of death appears in a child at the age of 2-3 years. Of course, at this age children do not yet understand the concept of death, but when they encounter it in fairy tales and in the stories of adults, they begin to become interested and ask questions.
At the age of 5-7 years, a child goes through the first stage of understanding death, which is associated with the development of the logical thinking of a preschooler. A child at this age realizes that all people grow old, die, that there are accidents and illnesses in the world, and most importantly, the child suddenly understands that all this concerns both himself and his loved ones . Preschoolers may ask many questions about death and be afraid to let go of their mother and other loved ones.
At primary school age, the emotionality of experiencing issues of life and death decreases somewhat, but the child continues to comprehend this concept on an intellectual level, getting to know the world around him. It is important not to ignore this issue when talking with preschoolers and primary schoolchildren, as this will only intensify the child’s fears.
Talk or hide?
Many adults, asking this question, choose the option of hiding a sad fact from the child, arguing that they care about the baby’s psyche or that he still “doesn’t understand yet.” In fact, behind such a decision is largely the adult’s own fear of confronting this topic, the need to somehow deal with the child’s unpredictable reaction, and general confusion.
In fact, even a small child, who is not yet able to fully understand what the word “death” means, is acutely aware of the changes taking place around him on an emotional level. At the same time, the general position of psychologists is that any grief requires time to live, and only after experiencing this emotion can a person return to a full life. Often, immediately after a tragedy, loved ones do not dare to tell the child the truth, hiding behind legends about long business trips or illnesses, but at some point it becomes obvious that the truth will have to be told. Such a “delayed” truth often traumatizes the child even more.
Thus, it is important to convey the painful truth to the child at the earliest possible opportunity . And be there to help the baby survive the loss. Depending on the age, awareness may not come to the child immediately. Gradually growing up, he will return to what he experienced and endow the death of a loved one with ever new meanings, realizing it more and more deeply.
How to explain death to a child?
Often speaking to a child about the death of a loved one, adults try to avoid using the very words “death”, “died”, replacing them with vague “left us”, “looks at us from the sky”, “gone to another world” and so on. This is not entirely correct; our vague formulations will prevent the child from truly understanding what happened . Therefore, when starting a conversation, it is important to call things by their proper names.
It is also important for preschoolers to understand the reasons for what happened. Explain, if possible, what happened, whether it was an illness, an accident, an accident. It is important for a child to internally build a logical chain so that death does not seem even more frightening and mystical to him.
When talking about death, answering questions about where your loved one is now, stick to what you yourself believe in . Any religious models are acceptable here, but only if you do not invent them as a fairy tale for a child, but sincerely believe in them. You can tell your child about the soul and body of a person, that the deceased remains forever in the memory of the people who love him. It is certainly important that the tragic news is conveyed to the child by someone close to him.
Be sure to tell your child that this is a serious tragedy for your family, that it is normal to feel pain, loneliness, sadness, that you share these feelings, and will try to stick together to help each other.
In the fall of 2013, I came to work as a teacher-psychologist at the Regional Social Rehabilitation Center for Minors. Our Center houses children aged 3 to 18 years who find themselves in difficult life situations. Often these children are from “at-risk” families where one or another factor is present, for example: burdened heredity, low financial level of the family, poor living conditions (unsanitary conditions), parents leading an asocial and antisocial lifestyle (alcoholism, drug addiction, family scandals, fights, presence of convicted family members, etc.).
I would like to share the practical experience that I gained when faced with the need to inform children about death. First, I would like to talk about the readiness of a psychologist working in this direction. When working with grief, a psychologist must be aware of his own limitations and undeveloped topics, and be prepared to meet the child’s strong feelings. The death of the mother (father) should be reported to the child's relatives, but this is not always possible. The specifics of my work involve situations when our students suffer grief - the loss of a loved one, and it is I who must tell the child about the death of a loved one.
Etl can be very difficult. Less than a month after I started working at the Center, I was faced with the fact that I had to inform a 5.5-year-old girl about the death of her mother. Relatives categorically refused to be the bearers of such news. And this mission fell to me. I invited the girl to a conversation, but for a long time I could not get to the point, because I had never had to make such a message before. Children very sensitively read the state of a nearby adult. The girl herself started talking about her mother, although, according to her teachers, she had not thought about her in recent months. I suggested that she draw her mother. During the drawing process, we talked, the girl shared her fears, talking about those moments when her mother behaved inappropriately while intoxicated, as well as about the few bright memories, using the phrase “that was a long time ago.” After the conversation, I was confused; it was difficult for me to adequately assess what was happening - the girl’s ambivalent feelings towards her mother, my own feelings regarding the information that I heard from the child. As a result, I was unable to inform my pupil about the death of her mother, because I was overwhelmed with emotions that I could hardly restrain. Then I turned for help to the teacher with whom the girl had the closest emotional contact. Later, when assessing this situation, I realized that at that moment I was shocked by the child’s revelations, and in addition, I had not experienced my own loss of a loved one. I had the courage to admit to the teacher that I was not able to convey the message correctly.
After 4 years, a similar situation happened to my colleague. She told the teenager about his mother's death. The psychologist was not prepared for the strong affective reaction that the boy gave. Also, this situation provoked personal memories, as a result of which the colleague herself succumbed to emotions that she could not cope with. The teenager's reaction was overly violent and prolonged, which led to a crowd of people who were completely inappropriate at the moment. Everyone, of course, with good intentions, began to give different advice: “calm down, don’t cry, you can’t stress yourself out like that...”. A colleague who was overwhelmed by emotions was unable to perform her professional duties. I considered it necessary to intervene: clear actions were needed here, since the minor had difficulty understanding the speech addressed to him and everything that was happening around him. I took the teenager out of the room so that there were as few people present as possible. She came up, lifted him from the chair, grabbed him and walked next to him, the boy had extreme retardation of movements, put him in a horizontal position, covered him with a warm blanket, gave him tea (to reduce the chills), the nurse gave him a sedative, and an ambulance was called. I stayed next to the teenager, maintaining a helping position. In such a situation, do not be embarrassed, help your colleague. This does not violate professional ethics; you are acting in the interests of the child. Colleagues, adequately assess your strengths and resources. This does not mean that you are incompetent, you are a living person with your own history. If you find it difficult to make such messages, it is better to honestly admit it, first of all, to yourself and seek help. Children's reactions are difficult to predict.
So how do you tell your child about the death of a loved one? When communicating, there should be a calm atmosphere, the voice should be quiet and even, but not tragic. Words are appropriate for the age of the children. I start like this: “Different events happen in our lives - good and not so good. Today I have to inform you about a sad event - your mother (father) died.” If you are talking to a preschool child, be sure to use the word “died”; you cannot say “fell asleep, will not return, flew to heaven”; this leads to a distortion in the acceptance of information. Be prepared that some children may be angry with you and display verbal and non-verbal aggression. They have no control over their feelings and actions.
You must patiently explain the situation, and also voice the reason for their emotional state: “You are angry with me because I told you about your mother’s death.” When reporting a death, it is better to use those slang expressions in which the child expresses himself: “Mom died because she drank a lot of bad drinks (a 5-year-old boy used exactly this wording) and got sick. Her body could no longer fight the disease; it stopped working.” If death occurred from an accident (which happens to a contingent of parents of our students), I explain that the person’s body was damaged so badly that it stopped working. If it is indicated that the cause of death has not been established, “the document says that the cause of death has not been established, this means that it is unknown why your mother died.” It is important when talking with a preschool child to convey information in a language accessible to him, in order to avoid the emergence of neurotic fears in the future.
After reporting the cause of death, I give an explanation: “When people get sick, their body can defeat the disease and recover. Their bodies continue to work. Most people who are injured can recover and live for a long, long time.” It is necessary to maintain not only emotional contact with preschoolers, but also establish tactile contact (sit on your lap, hug, caress). With teenagers, tactile contact should be exercised carefully, without overloading with hugs. Teenagers may react with irritation to being touched, and you also need to be prepared for this. Sometimes it’s enough to touch hands or sit next to someone to feel warmth and sympathy. Here it is necessary to monitor the slightest nuances that appear in the gestures and movements of the minor.
Overall, an environment of safety and inclusion needs to be created. Answer questions honestly (including about the cause of death). Be patient with negative behavior. Be prepared for the manifestation of violent affective reactions. Create a safety zone to prevent minors from harming their health. When reporting the death of a loved one to siblings, it is necessary to take into account their interpersonal relationships, as well as age and individual characteristics. It is impossible to predict the reaction of children, therefore, in order to avoid mutual accusations and conflict situations, inform siblings separately about the death of a loved one (especially when the age difference is small), first to the eldest. There was also such a case in my practice when a 15-year-old teenager asked if his younger sibling (6 years old) knew. I replied that I didn’t know yet, then the teenager himself expressed a desire to make this message, because over the past few years he had been a substitute parent for the younger one.
Our students have ambivalent feelings towards their parents. One teenager shouted: “Well, it’s good that she died, I didn’t see anything good from her, she did so many nasty things to me!” Teenagers also use obscene language. Here it is necessary to give the minor the opportunity to express sometimes shameful feelings. The psychologist must accept their existence without judgment. Legalization and recognition of such feelings by another person allows the child to reduce psycho-emotional stress: “You lost your mother, it’s hard for you, you experience mixed feelings, you’re angry with her because she didn’t love you the way you wanted.” I use this formulation to preserve the integrity of the teenager. To reduce the significance of the attitude: “If my mother didn’t love me, then no one will love me and no one needs me.” During the conversation, it is worth bringing the teenager to positive memories of his mother: “She wasn’t always like this... Alcoholism is a disease. And what was she like when you were little...” To summarize: “She got lost in life and chose the wrong path. Life shouldn’t end like this.”
If you see that a child (especially a teenager) is absorbed in himself, does not show emotions and is clearly very depressed, try to talk to him more, bringing out the manifestation of true emotions. Adolescence is one of the crises and the loss of a loved one can be experienced very acutely during this period. My colleague kindly shared her experience. When she told the 17-year-old teenager about the death of his mother, he did not utter a word, and only clenched fists and clenched jaws indicated great tension. According to a colleague: “He sat like a rock, and then I began to say - I understand that now you want to cry, but you don’t do it, because you think that real men don’t cry, and you don’t want to look like a weakling in front of me ( you can mourn your mother when you are alone). And now I will cry for you.” She cried (without hysteria), quietly, with grief and sadness. The teenager's tension began to decrease, although he still did not utter a single word or a single tear. At the end of the meeting, he said: “Thank you.” A colleague worked in a closed special school.
It is very important, at the time of reporting a death, to remove the feeling of guilt from a child of any age by saying: “You are not to blame for what happened.” Provide an opportunity to express a storm of emotions (anger, anger, resentment, fear, etc.). And turn to positive feelings, resources, activities that bring relief, and support that the child can receive in his real environment.
When a minor is accompanied to a funeral, it is imperative to have a preliminary conversation in which the child is informed about the procedures of the funeral service and burial, about how the people present can behave. Explain that the attitude of these people towards the deceased may be different, hence their words and behavior may also differ greatly and be completely opposite. The child should know in advance that at a funeral people can cry and even scream and this is normal. All information is presented taking into account the age and individual characteristics of minors. Give an understanding that the child can approach you at any time and not continue to participate in the funeral. It is worth making sure that the child really agrees to participate in the burial. If he does not want to go to the funeral, then under no circumstances should he be forced or feel guilty about it. It's better to ask why he doesn't want to and give him the opportunity to talk about his feelings. Offer to visit the cemetery after the burial. Feedback is required after the funeral ceremony is completed. Because sometimes it happens that relatives force children to do something they don’t want. A 6-year-old girl was forced to kiss her mother lying in a coffin on the forehead (I believe that it is not always correct for me to be next to a child, as in this case at a funeral service in a church, that is, I watched from a distance). But the fact that I saw this fact allowed me to further work through the incident with the student.
It is imperative to talk about the deceased. Encourage children to talk about their feelings about what happened. Listen to memories of the deceased, stories about his life, even if they are repeated several times. In order for grief to not be blocked, but for emotions to react externally, the child needs to be helped to live through the pain without being destroyed. Non-judgmental listening is used as the main method. In order for a child to cope with the loss and return to life, the “grief work” must be done. And the task of a psychologist is to convey the idea that sometimes unfair and bitter events occur, but the world continues to be a fairly safe place, where you can always find support and resources. The “work of grief” occurs for each child within an individual time frame, without strictly observing the stages of experiencing loss. The psychologist, accompanied by him, must “follow” the child, in no case getting ahead of events, and be nearby showing empathy and sympathy.
How might the child react?
Be prepared for the fact that the child's reaction may be completely unpredictable. From inconsolable sobs to outward ignorance of the news. Each of us experiences grief differently, and children are no exception. Some children try to share their feelings with loved ones, while others withdraw into themselves. One way or another, it takes time to comprehend the tragedy that has occurred.
Of course, a child needs support and help in coping with the death of a loved one. First of all, we are talking about emotional warmth; it is important to simply be there, comfort, share the baby’s feelings and accept them. The child will definitely have many questions about what happened, how to continue to live in the world, whether this will happen to other loved ones and to himself.
In most cases, a child experiencing the death of a loved one will benefit from special work with a child psychologist, which allows him to soften his experiences and cope with them in a less traumatic way. It is recommended to consult a specialist both when a child experiences grief very acutely, and, conversely, when he withdraws into himself and does not show his feelings in any way. This is especially true in a situation where other relatives of the child themselves are experiencing very hard what happened and cannot fully help the baby.
Help to survive grief: advice from a psychologist
If you are faced with the need to tell your child about the death of his loved ones, be there for him after he learns about the loss. The child should not experience grief alone. The following advice from psychologists will help you cope with this difficult situation:
- Do not leave your child immediately after talking to him . Answer all questions sincerely, hug, wipe away your tears. If your baby has a tantrum, leave him in the room, but keep an eye on him. After 15-20 minutes, try talking to him.
- Keep an eye on your baby while playing . Pay attention to what subjects he chooses and what he draws. You can see the motives behind recent events. Don't forbid your child to play like this. I asked him to accept you into this game and act according to his rules.
- A child may react differently to the news of the death of a loved one. He can express anger and anger in his behavior or, conversely, withdraw into himself. It is necessary to show the child that you and all the relatives who remain nearby are open to communication and ready to help. Under no circumstances scold your child for bad behavior or bad marks in the diary. This will push the child away even more and withdraw into himself.
- Help your child relieve accumulated stress . If you see that he is easily excitable, is constantly nervous, and is unable to complete basic tasks, engage in active sports with him, you can break a couple of cups, burst balloons. This will help distract the baby from difficult thoughts.
- If a child cannot cope with grief for a long time, thoughts have become intrusive, fears and nightmares have appeared, it is necessary to take him to a meeting with a child psychologist .
- Show your child that life goes on . Nobody canceled the holidays, even if a birthday without a grandfather will now not be so fun, and decorating the Christmas tree without an older brother is very difficult.
The death of a loved one is a difficult event for the entire family. Therefore, it is important to support each other during this period and spend time together more often.
