No matter who initiates the breakup, divorce is always a strong shock, accompanied by a whole palette of negative emotions. Women react especially sharply to this event, because they immediately acquire the status of “abandoned,” “loner,” “divorced,” and other cliches that society is so generous with. But this applies to adults. For children, parental divorce hits harder, and if you do not provide the necessary support to your child in time, this trauma can bring many unpleasant consequences in the future. Today psychologists will answer the most painful questions: what to do when breaking up, how to survive a divorce from your husband if you have a child or the woman is pregnant? And, in the end, is divorce ever good?
Divorce is a personal tragedy between two people who once loved each other.
These are dreams and hopes, joint plans, long conversations, happy moments of intimacy and understanding, which turned into resentment and anger, disappointment and mistrust, coldness and silence, detachment and indifference. Divorce is life from the beginning, a destroyed self-confidence, a heart closed by pain. This is a period, sometimes long, that turns people who were once close to each other into foreigners speaking different languages. Sometimes it is short, with a burning flame that incinerates the soul to the ground with surprise, sharpness, and the power of the blow. It's hard to restrain your emotions here, it's hard not to scream and cry, not to judge. Because divorce is something that really threatens life, depriving a person of security, stability, and confidence.
The presence of children often does not stop parents from loudly clarifying relationships, expressing their feelings towards each other, harsh words, and demonstrative actions. And this is understandable. How can you hold back when life is falling apart! And the children... I’m very sorry for the children, of course, but I think about it later...
Relationship with ex-husband after divorce
It is extremely important to maintain a good relationship with your child's father after a divorce. Of course, the occasional argument between parents is present in any family, but living on the battlefield of constant war and unresolved conflict can become a heavy burden on a child. Yelling, fighting, arguing, or violence can make children anxious and afraid.
Parents in open conflict set a bad example for their children, who are still learning to form their own relationships. Children whose parents express anger and hostility are much more likely to experience emotional and behavioral problems that continue into adulthood.
Talking to a psychologist can help couples express their grievances in a way that does not harm their children. Although it may be difficult, working together will relieve children of the pain caused by ongoing conflict.
So why not get a divorce now?
Divorce. If it’s no longer possible to be together, if you stopped feeling happy next to each other a long time ago, if something happened between you that is absolutely impossible to accept. Maintaining the appearance of a good complete family for a child, while internally being cold and indifferent to each other, is even more traumatic for his development than divorce. Because there are endless double messages. We perceive 70-80% of information non-verbally, scanning intonations, body movements, postures, etc. Therefore, when there is a problem in the family, the child feels it immediately, despite the smiles and assurances that everything is fine. And the inconsistency of messages gives rise to anxiety, uncertainty, etc. It is better then for parents to honestly admit a difficult situation and help the child perceive and survive it, than to leave him alone with his fears and suspicions.
Tips for difficult divorces
6 tips on how to help your son or daughter survive a difficult divorce from an inadequate wife or husband.
- If your children live in another city, offer to live with you for a while to help with the move, childcare, and moral support.
- Don't be surprised if they harbor the belief that the marriage can be saved, despite all signs to the contrary. The stages of problem perception include denial and negotiation, as well as unrealistic expectations before final acceptance. Continue to support anyway.
- Help keep me from thinking about returning. Providing support and a place to recover safely works great here.
- If you suspect your child is getting involved with someone else too soon after a breakup, have a very gentle but realistic heart-to-heart with them about where this might lead and how it might interfere with her full recovery.
- Warning! If her husband or wife has a history of abuse, your support is critical to prevent a possible return. Exes can use any lie to try to get it back.
- Seek help from specialized social services if you are unable to fully help yourself. Help, if necessary, draw up documents on a prohibition on approaching. Have the contact details of relevant police officers, social workers, etc. on your phone. both on your phone and on your child’s phone.
What happens in a child's soul when his parents divorce?
The world of children is narrowed down to the size of the family and home. His security is based on his mother, father and home. Take away any of this, and there is no longer any safety in the child’s world. And this is the basis, a necessary condition for its normal development. When we, adults, feel a threat to our lives and our world, we do not live, but survive, straining our strength to the maximum and using all available resources. What can we say about children? Children are scared. They only know how to live with mom and dad. They don't know what their life will be like when one of their parents is not around. They are afraid that their departed dad (or mom) will stop loving them and forget them. They don't know how to behave with the parent they are left with. How not to hurt, remind, or upset? They don’t know how to relate to the departed parent, is he good or bad, can he communicate with him or should he behave like his mother (grandmother, uncle)? They experience a lot of conflicting feelings: many fears on a variety of topics, confusion, resentment, anger, uncertainty, love, pain, loneliness, anxiety, melancholy, loss. You know how difficult it is for an adult to find himself in such a situation without support! Just imagine what it’s like for a child!
However, despite the severity of the divorce situation, it CAN be survived with minimal losses for the child. This, of course, requires attention, strength, intelligence, care and coordinated interaction in this matter of both parents. But there are also important “things” at stake - the future life of your child, his family happiness, his relationships with other people, including you, the state of his nervous system and soul, in the end.
How to tell a teenager about mom and dad's divorce
Many spouses deliberately delay a difficult conversation with their children, because they do not know how to correctly tell their son or daughter about the impending divorce. The right approach will help you survive a breakup.
It is very important not to feel guilty. It’s worth putting yourself in the child’s shoes (especially if the teenager is 15-17 years old). Boys and girls at this age already understand everything. Therefore, conflict between close people is not new to them. It must be said that mom and dad want to start a new life. But this does not mean at all that he is no longer loved.
Expert advice:
- find time for a serious conversation (if the child knows about the divorce in advance, it will be easier for him to survive it);
- talk about the separation together (afterwards, mom and dad can express everything they think about each other, but the son or daughter does not need to know this);
- avoid insults (no matter how old the child is, the reaction to rudeness will be negative);
- talk about life after separation (about joint recreation, entertainment, solving current problems).
Recommendations will help avoid the development of an inferiority complex. It is very rare for a teenager not to blame himself after his parents’ divorce. Practice shows that boys tolerate separation worse than girls. They worry, think about the situation, and come to a conclusion. In some cases, the thought of one’s guilt arises. It was he who behaved badly, so mom and dad decided to separate.
If you do not tell us about the reasons for the separation in a timely manner, then the child may face many problems in the future. Both the girl and the boy will not be able to build normal relationships, because their memories will be of the separation of their parents and the associated stress.
How to behave during a divorce in order to minimally traumatize the child?
- Try not to sort out your relationship in front of him. It is very difficult to stop when you are already involved in a difficult dialogue, and when your own emotions overwhelm and overflow. Therefore, it is better to stop the scandal at the very first phrase, without having time to become emotionally involved in it. Without responding to a provocative remark, move the conversation to the time when your child is sleeping or when he is not at home. “I’m ready to discuss this topic with you in the evening, when Vanya (Masha) is asleep. I don’t want to talk about it in front of him/her.”
- Do not involve your child in your relationship with your husband (wife). Don’t ask his advice or opinion, don’t tell him how “daddy treated you badly” (even if your child is already quite an adult), don’t complain to him. And especially don’t turn him against dad (mom). For a child, choosing between parents is tantamount to choosing between his right hand and his left. If you cut off any hand, you will remain disabled.
- Maintain a positive image of your father or mother for your child. Even if he really did something terrible. This is vitally important for a child, that is, it directly affects his future life. Because it is in this image and likeness that a child raises himself. Even if it is very difficult for you, find positive qualities and strengths in your spouse. Find what you can respect him for, or what you respected him for before, and tell your child about it.
- If you are the parent who will no longer live with your child, be sure to think about how you will keep in touch with him. Phone calls, Skype, weekend meetings, letters, short trips, SMS. Maintain this connection regularly, without pauses or failures. Even when the child is against you. Even when he doesn’t answer text messages, doesn’t pick up the phone and is rude when we meet. No matter how he behaves, inside he really misses you, loves you, but is afraid to trust you. He is afraid of intimacy because he has already lost you once. Losing you again is unbearable for him. Strive for your child and his love for you. It is very important.
- Tell your child about how dad (mom) loves him, even if dad last visited 3 years ago. Find evidence of his love, even if it is minimal, and make it visible to the child. “Dad had a lot to do, he worked a lot, but he immediately came (called) when he found out that you were sick.” It is very important for a child to feel needed and loved by both parents.
- Talk to your grandparents. Ask them not to discuss the situation between the parents in front of the child. Don't comment, don't feel sorry, and don't scare him. And continue to communicate, meet and love. After all, how often, when a child loses his father (mother), he also loses his grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins on that side of his family. If they remained neutral, you yourself would probably be unlikely to interfere with their communication with your child.
Although it is difficult, try to come to an agreement with his immediate circle. And if it doesn’t work out, and they still weave your child into the story of the divorce, explain to him their words and behavior so that the careless comments of his relatives do not settle fears and pain in his soul. “Grandma said that I will stop taking care of you and give birth to another child, because she is very worried about dad and is very angry with me. I love you very much and I am not going to stop caring for you. Don’t take such phrases seriously.”
The impact of parental divorce on children
As practice shows, children from single-parent families often carry this pattern of behavior into adulthood. They do not start their own family for a long time or, like their parents, get divorced quite quickly. Therefore, it is so important to have a constructive conversation with your child and convince him that the current situation in your family is the exception rather than the rule. And the task of the future family man is not to repeat the mistakes of his parents.
No matter what happens, a family remains a family for any person, and relatives do not lose importance. Every effort must be made to normalize the situation. How to tell your child about troubles and how to survive a divorce?
