Why does a teenager need self-confidence?
“Self-confidence” is a psychological quality that can be defined as a positive perception of oneself, which gives a person the strength to cope with all challenges. Coping – in the psychological sense.
Not all difficulties are always surmountable. But a self-confident person does not break down internally, does not retreat in the face of difficulties, and does everything possible to overcome them.
Self-confidence depends on self-concept . The self-concept is the relationship between the idea of the real self and the ideal person (the real self and the ideal self). If the conscious and subconscious perception of oneself fully corresponds to the ideal self, then such a person is confident in himself.
On the contrary, a serious discrepancy between the real self and the ideal self inevitably leads to self-doubt.
The need for this most important mental quality specifically for adolescents is associated with changes in their physiology (physically they feel like adults), changes in communication with people (they begin to be treated with more respect, their opinions are more often taken into account), changes in social role and changes in the inner world (internally, the teenager is already trying on the role of a student or working adult, preparing to start a family).
This age is called “transitional” , and this is a pretty good definition. Both those around him and the teenager himself understand that he is becoming different. The requirements for it are different. The challenges are different, more serious. And it is very important for him to be sure that he can cope, that he will succeed.
At no other age does self-confidence play such a huge role.
How to raise a confident child? Find out from the video:
What is child cognitive development? Read about it here.
Are insecure children a diagnosis?
How do children who lack self-confidence show themselves? The main character traits are low sociability and lack of initiative. It is very difficult for them to establish contacts with strangers. You can often hear from them “I will never succeed,” “I can’t,” “I don’t know.” They always have an excuse for unfinished work: lack of time, inability, lack of understanding of something.
Outwardly, an insecure child looks withdrawn, uncommunicative, and shy. At the same time, such children show unjustified stubbornness. As a rule, this behavior is based on negative emotional feelings about one’s inferiority in the eyes of others.
The formation of self-doubt is facilitated by repeated negative experiences in any type of activity, conflicts with parents or peers, constant strict control by parents, or their excessive guardianship, which does not allow any independence.
Incorrect parenting can manifest itself in constant comparison of the child with others. At the same time, mistakes are emphasized and his personality is belittled. Growing up in constant criticism and reproaches until the age of 8 , he manages to form an inferiority complex in himself. Subsequently, he ceases to express his own opinion, but becomes a moral “weathervane” - wherever it blows, that’s where he turns. This tendency in behavior is very dangerous, as it can lead a person into bad situations in adulthood.
What affects children's self-esteem?
Let's consider the main factors influencing the self-esteem of a child and adolescent.
Opinions of close adults about him
A teenager is still a child, although entering adulthood . And children learn about what they are like from adults.
This, however, does not mean at all that the opinion directly expressed verbally by his parents about the child is decisive. Although this also happens.
When Leah was 13-14 years old, she first began to think about her appearance . In her company, all the girls had their hair cut. She also decided to cut her hair “like a boy.” But her mother said: “If your hair is not there, who will look at you? That's the only good thing about you."
Leia is a very light blonde, similar to her father . Her mother is a pronounced brunette. She divorced Leia's father, and the resentment against him remained in her soul for a long time. And Leia is the spitting image of her father. Leia subconsciously believed her mother. As always, children and teenagers believe their parents.
The result: she was unable to start her own family, lived alone all her life, and was not happy in her personal life. This is an example of just verbal influence . Of course, completely wrong.
In fact, under no circumstances should you express your negative opinion about him to a teenager. And not only about him as a person, but also about his appearance or his individual qualities.
However, telling children something so that they learn from us adults what they are like is, oddly enough, not at all necessary.
Kira has been sick a lot since childhood. Mom and Dad, who have her as their only child, were running off their feet, running to doctors, getting rare medicines. At home, Kira was blown away, worried about her health.
The very behavior of mom and dad did not speak, but simply shouted : “You are weak, very weak! Without us, without our protection, you are not capable of anything!”
And Kira perfectly understood what her parents thought of her, and, of course, she believed them.
As a result, she grew up terribly spineless and insecure, lonely. She avoids any difficulties and is not independent. , all her problems are still .
As you can see, it is not necessary to say anything. The very attitude of those close to the child is even more important than any words.
If parents are overprotective, if they demonstrate in every possible way by their behavior that they consider the child weak, unable to cope with difficulties on his own without their help, he will believe it.
Such a teenager will never be confident in himself .
Emotional well-being
Here, too, everything depends on the parents, especially on the mother. A child needs his mother's unconditional love. And the conditional love of a father.
Unconditional love is love that is not conditioned by anything. A mother loves her child simply because it is her child. She is happy about him, for her he is the only, most precious creature in the world, not because of any of his qualities or achievements - but just like that.
Psychologist Vladimir Levi very successfully expressed the essence of such love: “They love for nothing and in spite of everything.”
The father loves the child for just one reason . For success, for growth, for achievements. And this love encourages the baby’s desire to grow.
If a child (daughter or son) is deprived of either unconditional maternal love or fatherly love that stimulates growth, then he is emotionally dysfunctional. And he risks becoming an insecure teenager.
Is schizophrenia inherited? Find out the answer right now.
School achievements
Or failures.
Studying at school is the main (and often the only) socially significant activity of modern children and adolescents. Therefore, the success or failure of their studies greatly affects their sense of self.
It is especially bad if the child is ambitious and proud, but suffers constant failures at school.
Successful study strengthens self-confidence , however, provided that everything is in order with the first two points (emotional well-being and the opinion of his loved ones about the child). Because these first two points are more important.
Peer relationships
It is extremely important for teenagers to be accepted among their peers .
If a teenager's status among his peers is high enough, he is treated well, valued and respected, this strengthens his self-confidence.
And vice versa: if he is neglected, if he is an outcast , his self-confidence can be seriously undermined, even if in all other respects he is doing well.
Who influences a child’s self-esteem and what to do? Psychologist's advice:
How does schizophrenia manifest in children? About symptoms and signs on our website.
Article Insecure Child: How to Help Your Child Become More Confident
An insecure child: how to help your child become more confident
The content of the article is an underestimated idea of your own capabilities and abilities.
Self-confidence is an important quality for a child, which indicates that he values himself, is responsible for his actions, and is ready to cope with life’s problems.
For the successful development of a child’s psyche and his abilities, it is necessary that the child feels confident, is not afraid to express himself and his capabilities, strives for the best, and is open and honest. Insecure adults most often grow up from insecure children.
Developing confidence in a child needs to start at an early age. This personality trait continues to develop throughout life. Any child can become confident, regardless of gender and age. Notes of uncertainty cannot be immediately seen in a child; parents are not always able to recognize a situation when the child already needs help. People who constantly experience indecision, doubt themselves and their capabilities, experience significant difficulties in life, it is more difficult for them to achieve significant success, they are constantly trying to gain approval from others, and cannot understand what they want. This is why it is so important to eradicate any incipient feelings of insecurity in your child as soon as possible.
How to understand whether your child is confident in himself: observe and think about how the child behaves at home, in kindergarten or school, with peers. If a child speaks quietly, even if the situation does not require it, often bites his nails, adjusts his clothes for no apparent reason, or licks his lips, then these are minor signs of indecisiveness, uncertainty and complexes. Here are some other signs of insecure behavior: the child looks away when talking to a person; tries to avoid the adult’s answer; excessively distrustful, irritated in the presence of other people; often gets angry with strangers; is afraid of not being able to cope with an adult’s instructions and does not want to take responsibility; is afraid of difficulties and always chooses easier things; panics before doing new things; has a number of fears and even phobias; is embarrassed to meet and communicate with new people; has no opinion of his own; writes and draws very finely, pressing lightly on the pencil; sometimes shows aggression and behaves badly for no reason; slouches. If your child exhibits at least some of the listed signs, then you should start working on your own mistakes in upbringing and be sure to develop self-confidence in your child.
Often, insecure, shy children can show irritation towards pets and loved ones. Having grown up, such children understand that they have not achieved anything in life, they show anger towards others, blaming them for all the troubles.
Svetlana Voitenko, child psychologist: “Self-confidence is a very broad concept. Its development is facilitated by a positive vision of the world, self-esteem, stable self-esteem, faith in one’s capabilities, etc. Self-confidence is formed, first of all, by parents and proper home education. Of course, relationships with peers, adults, and the school atmosphere in general are also important. If a child is having problems at school, it is worth talking to the teacher or school psychologist.”
If a child has grown up insecure, he may have the following traits: isolation; unsociability; timidity; blind imitation of a confident child; difficulty in establishing contact with strangers; low self-esteem; lethargy, stubbornness.
Where does uncertainty come from?
The most common cause of childhood insecurity is the upbringing and treatment of the child in the family and his immediate environment. Even the most loving parents sometimes make mistakes, believing that they are acting in the best interests of the child.
Let's look at the main factors influencing children's determination and confidence.
Parents are insecure people themselves.
The way the child’s parents look at the world and various situations also determines his own worldview and behavior. If a child is endlessly told: “It’s better not to try, in case you lose”, “And if it doesn’t work out, what then”, “Don’t bother, otherwise it could be worse” - then in the child’s understanding such standards of thinking become commonplace. He decides that for his own safety, in order not to look stupid, to avoid losses and punishments, it is better not to take on any business, to avoid responsibility. Indecisiveness is not inherited, but it can be deeply embedded in the subconscious. The child, projecting the behavior and words of his parents, lowers his self-esteem and considers inaction the best choice. Therefore, even if you are naturally shy and indecisive people, try not to show these qualities of yours, do not tell your child that he may fail because he is not strong and smart enough. On the contrary, try to generate initiative in the child, a desire for new things. If parents are too confident in themselves, consider themselves the smartest and most skillful, and do not tolerate having their actions challenged, then the child grows up unable to make independent decisions.
It has been noticed that first-born children in a family often suffer from low self-esteem and have more problems communicating with others than their younger brothers and sisters.
The fact is that when the first child appears in the house, parents experience a lot of worries about him. Adults' anxiety about how well they cope with their parenting responsibilities is passed on to the child. Constant criticism, comparison, punishment. If you constantly criticize a child, ignore his achievements instead of praising him, condemn his choice, do not appreciate his friends, forbid a lot, demand perfect execution of everything the child undertakes, you will inevitably cultivate in him a feeling of insecurity, fear of taking on any significant undertaking. By screaming and often punishing your child, you contribute to his isolation, alienation, and kill self-confidence and good relationships between people. Frequent fear, coupled with regular intimidation, has the most negative effect on the child’s psyche. By comparing him with others, assuring him that there are stronger, smarter, more beautiful people, you reduce his self-esteem. A child can easily become isolated in his worries and fears of being a failure, and as a result, stop developing normally as a person, and as an adult he cannot arrange his personal life or build a career, still considering himself unworthy and incapable.
The realization of your unfulfilled dreams, plans and desires can also adversely affect the child.
Let’s say my mother wanted to become a famous musician all her life, but because of her first love, she abandoned music school and forever parted with her dream, and later with her first love. Now the mother, without realizing it, decided that her child simply needed a musical education, and sent the baby to learn to play, for example, the violin, without taking into account the child’s lack of desire and aspiration. As a child, dad was bullied by strong, healthy guys, and now he insists on boxing and martial arts for his child. When choosing a child’s path through life, think about whether you are projecting your own desires, whether you are taking into account the child’s abilities, inclinations and aspirations.
Failures in social life.
Once in a children's group, first in kindergarten, then in school, the child learns to recognize himself as a person, an individual, and looks for ways to interact with peers. Therefore, failures and mistakes in communication, falling into the “wrong company”, mockery and ridicule of enemies, non-reciprocal love, etc. are greatly exaggerated by children, causing a lot of worries. If the family does not help the child overcome their problems in time, they can provoke the development of self-doubt.
Not meeting standards.
The world around us imposes a lot of stereotypes and standards on us. The sensitive child's psyche is very susceptible to criticism about appearance, nationality, and religion. The desire to become like everyone else erases individuality, and the desire to endlessly change one’s appearance, to hide far-fetched figure flaws, causes a lot of complexes. Without the support of loved ones, these complexes will only grow. Under no circumstances should you insult or humiliate a child or allow other people to do this. Tell your child more often that you believe in him and love him very much!
How to help your child become more confident.
Don't compare.
Comparing your own child with others, not in terms of “oh, how similar you and Lena are,” but, for example, “Lena has been able to do homework on her own for a long time, but you still won’t become independent,” or “it’s a shame not to go to the potty, “everyone can do it, even little Petya,” lead to low self-esteem of the child. Let the baby realize that he is who he is, and that is how you appreciate him. You can compare it with yourself, yesterday, today. “Today you are just great, yesterday you didn’t succeed, but you tried, keep it up.”
Appreciate what your child has.
In your desire to cultivate the best qualities and abilities in your child, you may not notice how you are missing out on what is given to the child. Your baby has everything ahead, he will still learn everything, but you need to encourage and praise him today for what he already knows and strives to show you.
Praise small victories, because for a child they can be very significant.
Show interest in his affairs, successes and failures.
Believe in the child.
Never tell a child that he is stupid, untalented or untalented. Don’t force such thoughts into your own head; you believe in your child’s success and want the best for him. Tell your child that he is special, show your own confidence in his success.
Guide your child to the necessary actions, but carefully.
Give tasks, making them more difficult gradually. If you fail, choose a simpler task but with the same level of difficulty.
Let your child understand that mom can make mistakes too.
“Oh, I didn’t notice either. The trouble is, we’ll have to start all over again.”
Tell him that you also need support.
“Kolya, I really need your support now. Give me a hug".
Criticism in moderation.
Do not overdo it with criticism, always remember that the amount of praise should exceed criticism.
Never criticize your child in front of strangers or discuss his failures.
Criticize not the child himself, but his behavior.
For example, say that pinching is bad, and not that your son is a bad boy. The second option will sharply reduce self-esteem, while the first will not affect it.
The right to vote and choose.
Give your child the opportunity to participate in building his life, listen to his opinion, very carefully and quietly correct his views. Teach your baby to express an opinion, allow him to argue with you sometimes without destroying your authority;
Set achievable tasks.
Don’t overload your child so much that he doesn’t have time for himself, his hobbies and friends.
There is also no need to demand the impossible for the baby.
“I’ll sign you up for the section if you do 20 pull-ups,” “So that I can read and retell the entire textbook before the evening.”
Encourage communication and friendship.
Do not isolate your child from his peers; on the contrary, invite his friends to visit, organize children’s parties, and send your child to such events.
Do not compare your child's character qualities with the qualities of the children you have at home.
Encourage your child to play with younger children.
This will give him confidence in his abilities.
Talk about your feelings.
Do not forget to repeat to your child that you love and appreciate him, how important he and his well-being are to you. Teach your child to be frank with you, take an interest in his affairs, ask about his mood and feelings. Dedicate time to your baby, play, study, visit entertaining places.
Don't shout or hit.
Such punishments can kill trust, love and self-esteem in a child.
Encourage your child's initiative in overcoming shyness, notice it and evaluate it in a timely manner.
Be consistent and logical.
Control your own negative experiences, which may result in illogical behavior.
“I did my homework right after school - it’s bad, because I didn’t have time to wash the dishes, I did it later, but managed to wash it, it’s also bad when now you have time to learn everything.”
Have a heart-to-heart talk with your child, give him the opportunity to speak out and share his painful issues.
Ask him if he doesn't say anything himself. Do this tactfully and warmly.
Qualities that characterize a self-confident child - qualities of being a leader.
Adequate perception of criticism.
The ability to protect yourself and others.
Emotional stability.
Artistry.
If you are a truly loving parent, then you will certainly find an approach to your child, correct or prevent mistakes in upbringing and relationships. Your love and desire for the best will overcome your child's insecurities.
Games will help build confidence in your baby. Parents should remember that for a preschooler, play is the leading activity.
Game “Learning to set goals”
Come up with a joke to make your mom laugh. Draw a picture to congratulate your grandmother. Learn a dance for a family concert.
Game "Theater"
To build confidence in your child, enroll him in a theater club or organize a home theater. Performing in front of an audience will strengthen the child’s self-confidence.
"Thread and Needle" and "The Dragon Bites Its Tail"
To play, children become a “train.” It is not difficult to guess that a shy or insecure child becomes the first.
In the game "Thread" everyone follows him along a difficult route, trying not to break the thread.
In the game "The Dragon Bites Its Tail", the first child tries to catch the last one, as if biting his own tail. The games are very fun, it’s good if more than 4 children play.
Mouse and mouse.
The required number of players is 5-6 people. Everyone stands in a circle and presses tightly against each other - this is a “mousetrap” (or net). The driver (chosen by the teacher) is in a circle. His task is to get out of the “mousetrap” in every possible way: find a loophole, persuade someone to let him out, etc.
This game teaches you how to overcome obstacles, increases self-confidence, and develops imagination (find a way to get out of the circle).
Friendship.
Children sit in a circle and hold hands. The teacher asks each of them to look into the neighbor’s eyes and give him the kindest and most beautiful smile.
The game relieves tension, teaches not to be afraid and to trust each other.
Game "Birthday"
A very simple game that does not require any special skills evokes many pleasant emotions in children and a sense of community with their peers. Shy and insecure children, by participating in it, gain invaluable experience of positive communication, being in the center of everyone's attention.
Children take turns playing the role of the birthday boy. The birthday boy stands on a chair, the others take turns approaching him, taking his hands (physical contact is important), congratulating him on his birthday and wishing him something as a gift. The adult also needs to participate with the children in the game. An adult sets an example of how to congratulate if the children are small, making sure that the birthday person does not fall off the chair (or other object that elevates him).
What are the causes of low self-esteem?
What are the causes of self-doubt in a child aged 7-12? The answer to this question is obvious from what was said above:
- Or close adults treat him incorrectly.
- Either he is emotionally dysfunctional, does not receive the emotional nutrition that he should receive from his parents.
- Or he is unsuccessful at school.
- Or, finally, unpopular among peers.
There may be special reasons , but they are rare.
Role of parents
In short, it's huge . Parents, like gods, determine almost everything in the life of their child.
First of all, it is important how they treat his independence from the first years of his life. If the mother is afraid that the baby will fall, hurt himself, break something, or catch a cold - and these fears dominate her, then the child will get used to feeling dependent, weak, and sick.
In fact, parents should not do anything for the child that he is able to do himself . And they should not protect him from anything or anyone, from which he either will not be particularly harmed, or he himself is able to protect himself from it.
It is important that the child has the right to his opinion. This also matters literally from the first year of life.
If adults decide everything for the baby, he doesn’t need to decide anything, he will get used to it. It's easier that way. And he will not strive to have his own opinion , to decide something for himself.
Such a person will never become self-confident, because self-confidence is gained only by overcoming difficulties, and he always avoids any difficulties.
It is important how parents evaluate the child’s actions and how they criticize him.
If an avalanche of criticism falls on him for any reason and for no reason (some adults believe that this is useful for a growing person), then this will inevitably lead to self-doubt. But if they don’t criticize at all, the same thing will happen.
You need to criticize a child , but in something like this tone: you did this very well, I liked it, and you did a great job, but here it’s not entirely successful, you should have done better.
And in no case should you criticize the child’s personality itself, but only his individual actions.
If the parents' demands on the child are too much for him (for example, they want him to always do well in all subjects), he will break down and grow up lacking self-confidence.
But you can’t demand nothing: and here the extremes meet - the same thing will happen. Requirements are necessary, but measured and feasible.
In general, childhood is called a “resource place”, that period of our life in which we draw emotional strength for further existence. Therefore, childhood must be happy and joyful.
Only the teenager who has played enough and played around as a child for the rest of his life, who has been imbued with happiness forever, can be completely confident in himself .
How do parents influence a child's self-esteem? The psychologist comments:
What to do if a child is afraid of injections? You will find recommendations from psychologists here.
Recommendations for teenagers: “How to get rid of self-doubt”
How to get rid of uncertainty
Every day life presents us with a choice. The choice can be important or frivolous, mundane or fateful. But in any case, we have to make a decision based on our own experience and knowledge. Or on the experience and knowledge of other people. This is exactly what insecure people do.
The teenage years, a natural and inevitable “step” between childhood and adulthood, are always difficult both for the growing child and for those around him. Qualitative changes in personality, a radical restructuring of the entire self-awareness, and the emergence of the ability for abstract thinking occur against the background of puberty, which raises many questions and is often accompanied by various complexes and self-doubt.
Here are some tips on how to change the situation and overcome self-doubt.
1. Identify your positive attributes. What are your best qualities? What are you doing? Include accomplishments that you are proud of on this list. Think about it. Give yourself a pat on the back!
2. Set your own standards instead of comparing yourself to others.
3. Remember that there are no perfect people. If you make superhuman demands on yourself, you will quickly become exhausted. So relax. Don't be so merciless to yourself. Accept yourself as you are and build your life on it.
4. Choose a hobby. Find something that makes you happy and makes you feel proud.
5. Cheer yourself up. Tell yourself more often: “I can”, “I can do this”, “Today I will have a good day.” Or: “Next time I will do better.” So, by encouraging yourself, you will lift your mood.
6. Always accept compliments. Don't be shy about them. Just respond with a sincere “thank you.” Even if it feels awkward at first, make it a good habit!
7. Look for positive qualities in others. Try saying something nice to everyone you meet, no matter what. If you are looking for good things, you will find them! And this is contagious - others will also begin to see the good in you.
8. Try to surround yourself with good people. Acquaintances and friends influence our thoughts, feelings and actions. Choose friends who, while enjoying life, will make you rejoice too. Such sunny souls emit rays of inspiration and confidence.
9. Think about your future in a positive way. Take a few minutes to visualize yourself achieving your goals.
10. Keep your head up. Walk straight, with a calm and firm step. You'll let the world (and yourself) know that your self-esteem is okay.
11. Smile! What better way to let others know that you are a happy, balanced person who has something to offer others?
Your reward will be pride, confidence, self-belief. As well as the ability to solve problems and be independent. And this is not all that awaits you when you say goodbye to uncertainty.
So go ahead - accept the challenge of life with its ambiguous situations! You will be surprised how quickly confidence will come to you.
Look in the mirror and you will like who you see there.
The child is not confident in himself: what to do?
Contact a specialist. We need to carry out a diagnosis, make a diagnosis : understand what the reason is. And this reason must be eliminated and overcome.
It is naive to think that self-doubt can be overcome very easily with the help of a few exercises, hypnosis sessions or auto-training techniques. This is wrong.
This is a deeply personal quality that is connected to the core of our personality, determined by our human essence.
To increase teenage self-esteem, very serious changes are needed in the relationship with the teenager, in his lifestyle, so that he learns to be more self-confident.
How to increase a girl's self-confidence?
How to instill self-confidence in a girl? It is clear that here we are talking about the specifics of strengthening the self-esteem of girls, as opposed to boys.
For girls, their self-esteem largely depends on their opinion of their own attractiveness to the opposite sex.
Therefore, we need to teach a young girl to perceive herself as beautiful . Learn to be beautiful. Learn to dance, behave properly and communicate with boys.
If her idea of herself as a girl is high enough, she will also be a fairly confident person.
How to boost a young man's self-confidence?
How to help your son overcome self-doubt?
For guys, appearance and physical attractiveness also matter. But not decisive.
The main thing is that the boy feels strong and successful in some business. Strong, including physically. Therefore, it is necessary to teach a young man to develop physically: let him work physically, go in for sports or physical education.
If he is a weak student, you need to find him a business in which he will be successful .
If he has such a thing, and he perceives himself positively in terms of physical condition, then he will rate himself quite highly.
How to help your child get rid of the fear of the dark? Find out from our article.
What should parents do?
How to raise a child to be a confident person? In this important process, the main place is given to family relationships. If children in a family are not recognized as equal members of the family, if their opinions are not listened to, then this primarily affects their self-esteem. The situation is even worse if their mistakes are discussed in front of everyone and in a categorical tone. In order to develop a sense of self-confidence in a preschooler and raise his self-esteem, he should not be scolded, but praised. This does not mean that misconduct should not be noticed. But in order to praise him, there are much more reasons than to reprimand him.
The first main rule is to give the right to choose and respect it
Give your child the right to choose more often in things that are not critical to his health, so that he learns to make decisions and feels that his opinion is taken into account in the family. If you still want to do it your way, then it’s better not to ask, but to present it with a fact. For example, if you need to take a child to his grandmother for the day and his opinion will not affect the outcome, then it is better to ask what he will wear to his grandmother, and not:
- Do you want to go to grandma?
- No, I don’t want to, I’m not bored there
- It’s okay, you’ll find something to do.
It even looks like mockery or neglect, don’t you agree?
If you still need to prohibit some action that threatens health, does not fit into the cultural framework, etc., then give reasons for it and tell us what the benefit is for the child in refusing the action. Conclusion: treat yourself like an adult, the way you would like to be treated yourself.
The second main rule is a chance to improve
Should a future leader be punished? Of course, there must be punishment. But a person must clearly understand why he is being punished. And a person needs to be given a chance. What I mean. First, discuss the rules that must be followed in your family for the benefit of each family member and the punishment in case of non-compliance. That is, the child must understand why this or that action is not necessary and should be done and what the benefit is for him - I talked about this above. After the first and second miss, give a warning; for the 3rd time, the previously agreed punishment follows. Fair? I think yes.
But, in fact, it should not come to punishment. If these rules are established for all family members (for example, do not sit at the computer at night or do not eat in front of the TV) and if this rule cannot be broken even “once, well, a little more,” then the child is unlikely to do this and will challenge your right to such behavior with the thought “it will suddenly give you a ride.” Mom has a lot to do and she won’t notice or pretend not to notice.
Attention. By punishment I don't mean physical punishment. They work, but temporarily and not effectively. Once the stick is far away, can you do everything? The baby will grow up and your power and financial authority will disappear.
The third main rule is criticism and orders
What will happen if you constantly and unquestioningly obey someone’s will for every little thing? He will grow up to be an excellent soldier.
Don’t ban everything, everything that bothers you or doesn’t like you. If you constantly nag - put away the toys, do this, do that, don’t take it, don’t break it, don’t touch it, then you can create such a tense atmosphere that the child wants to escape from it.
Give your child his own personal space, his own corner or room, where he can touch and scatter whatever he wants. And do not interfere with the management of this territory of creative disorder.
Firstly, the child must understand for himself why order is needed and how it affects a person.
Secondly, you will not evoke associations: “Mom has come ((((now she’ll make you clean again"
Please note that not only children have a problem with order, most of humanity is tormented by the question of how to bring order to life, on the desktop, in the head. They come up with entire systems of motivation, time management, and order organizing systems. And this is not because their mother did not force them to put away their toys. Or maybe even the other way around, because they only cleaned up the mess if someone forced them to?
Sometimes we don’t even notice how we communicate with a child. Often this is not a dialogue, but a set of commands that the child must unquestioningly carry out. Even a request to put dishes from the table in the sink can be expressed in such a way that she leaves no choice. And if you leave no choice, then where will independence come from? By talking this way, you let your children know that they mean less to you than other people.
A broken cup, a stain on a jacket, a scratch on a hand, a book falling into a puddle - this is not a reason for a scandal and a reproach towards the child, there is no need to put stamps on him: hook hands, a holey head, and so on. Just imagine, if you instill in a person such an opinion about himself, who he will be in life. And if you say such phrases about every little thing, this is nothing more than fixing the child’s image of a loser.
Many parents behave as if it was not their dishes that were broken, but their hearts. Instead of calming the child down, they cannot resist using sarcastic epithets.
