We have already said that any woman is an owner a priori. And the hardest thing is to share your man with everyone who needs him. And if it is possible to at least partially limit a husband’s communication with friends and girlfriends, then the question is: “How to remove his ex-wife and children from his first marriage from a husband’s life?” torments many.
In this article, we will not consider bloodthirsty options, like putting your husband under a glass bell, protecting him from everyone, or even taking him away, where no one will find him. In this article we will talk about how to learn to live with all the echoes from your spouse’s past life. How to accept and, if possible, love the child/children from your man’s first marriage.
Jealousy of husband's child from first marriage
So, your husband was already married once, even acquired the status of “father,” but something didn’t work out for them, they decided to separate, the court left the child with the mother (normal practice). The previously beloved woman became an “ex-wife”, but children, as you know, are never ex-wife. Children are those people who remain in a man’s life forever.
In the life of a normal man, I immediately want to clarify. After all, there are “half-fathers” who, having received a treasured document in court, simply evaporate from the lives of their children, not showing up in it even trivially financially. But your spouse is a man of honor, and having left his first family, he continues to participate in all its problems. And suddenly you suddenly realized that more and more often a lump of anger, jealousy and resentment was rising in your throat. Let's figure out why these feelings appear.
How to behave with your husband's child?
Hello, Anastasia.
For any child, family is very important! Working with children, I see that they are capable of anything to save their parental family. And divorce is always traumatic for a child. After all, the advantages of creating a new family are obvious to you and your husband. For him they are not so obvious. I think his mother is still going through a divorce. Offended, angry. Your spouse’s son is angry and worried. His world collapsed. He is at such an age that he cannot accept the fact that the reason his parents separated was not because his father met you. But what happened in general between his parents. Obviously, not all was well. But the parents were together. You showed up - the family broke up = you are to blame - get the full price. You will need a lot of female wisdom and patience to help the boy survive what happened in his life, to help his father, your spouse build a new family in which there will be a place for his son from his first marriage.
And you feel guilty that by your appearance you “destroyed a strong family” (perhaps you are not only hearing such a message from the boy). Your parents accepted that this is not your spouse’s first marriage.
This is a message (it doesn’t have to be said out loud) that you need to live and understand. This is a message to your husband's first wife:
“You are first, and I am second. Thanks to what you lost and found. I see your pain. And I will treat you with respect. I will look at your son with respect, because he is the son of my husband. I will respectfully accept the manifestation of your qualities in a boy.”
Message to the boy: “I see your pain. Your parents are no longer spouses. But they are forever connected, because... they are your father and mother. I will respect this connection between them. I will never criticize your mother. After all, she is the first. I will respectfully and patiently help you build a new relationship with your father and will not interfere with your communication.”
Message to my spouse: “I’m second. Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for loving me. I see your feelings related to the fact that you hurt your loved ones by choosing me. I will accept your son into my soul. He is the fruit of your first love. I will not criticize him. I will accept the qualities in him that are from his mother. I will endure it, I will not break from the anger that your son pours out on me because of your divorce. This pain is less than what your first wife and son experienced when your divorce took place. After all, I can be happy next to you. I can reveal myself as a woman next to you!”
Don't deny your spouse the right to see your son. Don't avoid his son. Become happy next to the person you love.
If his son sees that you are both happy, then over time he will be able to accept your relationship. If he feels doubts in you, then his anger will intensify, because... If your father and you are unhappy, he will not be able to comprehend his parents' divorce. For him it will remain an empty, useless, strong pain (for both his mother and his father).
Good luck, feminine wisdom, patience!
I don’t know how to behave with a child??
(5 answers) Good answer2 Bad answer1
Reasons for hatred towards a husband's child from his first marriage
Difficult situation
The intensity of passions in the family is probably the very first reason for women’s discomfort. This is especially acute when your mother-in-law (or even both parents) begin to show a negative attitude towards you. And it’s good if you and your spouse met after a divorce, but what if not? What if he finally left the family for you? Then, of course, all relatives will be opposed to you, feeling sorry for the child and ex-wife. And on the one hand, they can be understood: it’s hard to see children’s tears, but on the other hand, it was your husband’s choice, he made a decision for himself.
Financial red tape
Sometimes it becomes bitter from the realization that all the funds that could go towards your life together, arranging a family nest, traveling, and so on, go to the ex-wife’s family. Many young wives are simply indignant: the ex-wife has already found a new man, so why is so much money leaving our family budget? Obligations to the court - yes, alimony. But I don’t want to spend more than this money.
Frequent meetings with your child
Long and frequent meetings with a child from a first marriage are very painful. You recently got married, have not yet had time to enjoy your status as a “wife”, there are so few days off, it happens that they do not coincide with your husband’s weekend, and on this rare day of possible joint rest, your husband leaves home. And you spend the whole day scrolling through the news feed of a social network and sharing your grief with a friend.
Child in your family
And okay, if only the husband went away to play with the child, many men have a strange desire to bring their son/daughter to their home. Or take your child on a walk with him. And, of course, such walks immediately lose their romance: the husband is interested in what the child wants, you all go where the little person asks. In other words, you fade into the background for your spouse during this period of time.
Calls at any time of the day
Calls cause certain inconvenience to young wives. From a child, from an ex-wife. Frequent problems that your husband has to solve. And it happens that jealousy takes your breath away: it seems as if the spouse will leave to help and will not return. It seems that these calls and SMS pose a threat and danger to your ideal marriage.
Adoption of children from first marriage
Accepting children from previous marriages is the first step towards building a relationship. Understand that we all have a past. Having a child should not be a reason for jealousy. Both wife and children occupy an important place in a man’s life.
Quite often, women worry about their ex-wife. Yes, she will be present in your man's life. This cannot be avoided, because she is the mother of his children. But you shouldn't avoid it or hate it. Treat her without aggression, neutrally. This will also be a plus when building relationships with children.
Accept the fact that your man already had a family, an ex-wife and a child.
If you have a child together, then never compare him with children from your first marriage. Phrases like “Have you never done this for our children” or “Which of them is more important to you?” They only irritate husbands and spoil family relationships. It is unlikely that a man singles out one child and completely forgets about the others, so there is no need to create scandals over trifles.
Let your man be a father. Do not forbid him to see the kids, if possible, participate in their communication. For example, choose gifts for the holidays together, remind your husband about important days in the life of his child if you know that the father is forgetful. Discuss matters and problems related to children from your first marriage. This is especially important in financial matters: spending on children makes up a large part of the family budget.
Help your husband raise the child, for example, choose gifts together with him
Husband's daughter from his first marriage.. need advice
It’s a long story... When I met my future husband, he was already divorced, his parents were raising his little daughter, as her mother was actively building her personal life and took the child for exactly one day a week, no more. I treated the child normally, I was even very upset I feel sorry for her, I dressed her and put on shoes, until over time I realized that all the clothes I buy are resold by her mother... I talked to my husband and I lowered my ardor and gifts and clothes were brought less often and left with his parents. We had a child together, naturally, both physically and financially, I was no longer ready to “rush into battle,” plus, on top of that, my relationship with my mother-in-law deteriorated, who believed that I simply had to treat his daughter like my own, which meant: spending time together , joint recreation, child support, etc. To tell the truth, my attitude towards her has really changed, firstly, the girl has grown up and her character is showing, and secondly, I have a child who is solely my responsibility to take care of (my husband works a lot, my father-in-law and mother-in-law made it clear that they are raising a terrible granddaughter and they have no time for us, this also affects me very much, having grandparents with a dacha, my child goes to a summer day care center every year). I had the experience of a joint holiday abroad which ended in tears. The girl was sick, had problems with digestion, constant constipation - there was nothing to feed her. My persuasion/requests/comments to eat something are ignored, but for example, chocolate and sweets are always yes. As a result, I made a remark to which she was offended and my husband stopped talking to me altogether. Now sometimes we spend a couple of days together, she comes to us, we went abroad for 3 days. I can’t stand it because I can’t come to terms with the principles of education that my husband practices. The children get along well with each other, but I notice that the youngest copies her sister’s behavior and this also hurts me .I don’t want to eat, I won’t, etc.+ The difference of 6 years is already taking its toll, the older one doesn’t always want to play with the younger one, she goes to her father.
By the way: my husband regularly pays reasonable alimony, always gives necessary and expensive gifts, pays additional expenses for clothing, education, etc. at the request of BZ. He regularly sent his eldest with her parents abroad. I'm not ready to vacation together. I repeat - the child is sick, regular headaches and constant colds have been added to the stomach. Last year, I let my husband and eldest daughter go on vacation alone. It was hard and disappointing, but I managed. This year, my husband paid for a trip for his parents and both daughters. We also rested separately, my husband and our daughter.
Finances are not very good right now: mortgage, constant repairs, etc., just the other day we discussed that we are unlikely to go anywhere else this year, even buying a banal desk for a child is a big question. And last night at dinner, my husband announced that he had agreed that we would all be flying to NG on vacation. I’m in shock, honestly, frankly, I said that I don’t want to go on vacation together, and in general, not only is he just presenting me with a fait accompli, it turns out that he also has money!!!! ). We’re not talking about a scandal. Before this, a lot of unpleasant things were said to me - I have to love his daughter. He chose me based on his attitude towards his daughter, etc.
Also: my husband sees his daughter regularly, once every two weeks for 1-1.5 (he lives 80 km away), he takes the younger one with him, I suggest not taking him so that he can devote more time to the older one. Once a month, a girl comes to us, goes out for fun for 2 days. Usually he comes on vacation.
I understand that I am apparently a terrible stepmother for most people, but I have no more than an even relationship with the girl, well, I can’t treat her like my own. I am friendly with her, I will give her water, food, and gifts. She has her own mother for affection and love.
I don’t know what to do, the issue of spending time together constantly weighs on us. One more aspect: my mother-in-law hates me because of all this, and now she has a fixed idea to reunite her husband with BZ - you see, it’s a pity that the child lives in a single-parent family... Although she used to consider BZ almost a B, a cuckoo mother, etc.
