How often do we wonder why I have this character, why I behave this way? Let's answer honestly: almost none of us asks such questions, because everyone loves themselves as they are and often tries to blame others for all problems, without thinking that they themselves are to blame for many of them. But many people wonder: why did my partner not live up to my hopes and how did a happy family life turn into a living hell for both? How did family problems become an epidemic? What to do next? What family problems can be discussed with a child and how to deal with them in general? Let's figure it out.
Difficulties in family relationships
As we know, beliefs occupy a fairly high position in the hierarchy of logical levels. They influence our abilities, behavior and even our environment (i.e., all lower logical levels).
Beliefs are, in a broad sense, those principles and ideas about the world that guide us in life as if they were absolutely true.
In a narrow sense, beliefs are linguistic structures that generalize any relationships between various manifestations of life experience.
It is important to understand that for the most part, beliefs are outside the scope of our consciousness, not within its focus. Our conscious mind can keep 7±2 objects in focus. The unconscious contains more than 2 million objects.
And the beliefs that organize our abilities and behavior and determine our environment lie there, in the unconscious. Belief, being a linguistic structure, evokes a vivid visual image in the mind.
A belief can be supportive and then evoke a positive image in the mind (i.e., an image that evokes positive emotions).
For example, the belief “I’m smart and strong, so I can do what I want” will evoke an image of a smart, strong self, who easily solves complex life problems and finds the optimal way out of a variety of situations.
Unsupportive beliefs evoke a negative image in the mind, for example, the belief “I’m stupid, so they will constantly deceive me and take away all the best from me” gives rise to the image of a worthless, deceived, deprived person. Imagining oneself in such a role, a person will naturally experience negative emotions.
Almost all areas of psychology describe beliefs in one way or another and how they work: some call them childhood decisions, some use the term COEX (system of condensed experience), others call them subpersonalities (we tend to believe that subpersonalities are specially organized belief systems).
Beliefs remain in the psyche in an inactive, “dormant” state until a context similar to the one in which or for which they were accepted arises. For example, the mother scolded the girl when she did something unusual and called her, well, stupid.
Ten years later, a young girl, smart and beautiful, a talented designer, came to apply for a job and was asked to draw something - attention! - unusual.
Why do you think a talented, intelligent, beautiful person suddenly began to exhibit completely stupid behavior?
You can often hear stories from people about how they went through an interview with the following content: I still remembered, I prepared thoroughly, but as soon as I heard the first question, it was like a blank slate, I don’t understand anything and I can’t put two words together.
How can this be? The answer is simple: it was the non-supportive belief that worked. Well, something like “I’m stupid, and that’s why.”
Unfortunately, the tradition of upbringing in many Soviet families was such that many of us had the opportunity to form beliefs of this kind.
History of family psychology
Family psychology is a specialty in modern psychology. It has basic and applied aspects, covers treatment and preventive interventions, and is taught in graduate training programs, typically in the context of clinical/child or counseling psychology.
Although it has less of a formal and lengthy history than more well-known and established specialties such as clinical, counseling, or school psychology, it stands among the newer specialties because issues of family well-being are extremely important in modern society.
One of the first challenges in the early history of family psychology concerned its definition, specifically its definition in relation to the more widely recognized movement, field, and clinical specialty known as family therapy.
Family psychology, using a systems perspective, expands on psychology's traditional emphasis on the individual, and although its primary focus is on marriage and family, it uses a systems approach to focus on the nature and role of individuals in the primary structures of relationships, as well as, more in a broad sense, on the social ecology of the family.
Although family, marriage, and systems theory and contextualism—theoretical concepts central to family psychology—have been of interest to psychologists for some time, it was in 1985 that the Division of Family Psychology was created, and two years later the Journal of Family Psychology (IFP) family psychology specialty has achieved a clearly defined and differentiated identity within mainstream psychology.
Research in Family Psychology
The research landscape changed dramatically in family psychology in the 1990s. Many of these changes became evident at the first national conference on family psychology, organized by the APA Office of Science in 1995.
Family psychology involves the study and treatment of families. Psychology graduates may pursue careers as marriage and family counselors, school psychologists, or researchers.
Specialists work with families and individuals to help resolve and prevent problems within the family. In this area of psychology, the family is studied as a system that analyzes the behavior, communication patterns, and emotional reactions of family members.
Family therapists provide counseling on issues of marriage and divorce, abuse, bereavement, parenting, and adoption.
Family Basics
Can we all get along? Many people love and hate their families at the same time. Interaction between family members is at the core of family dynamics. Each participant must coexist with every other participant. Culture, number of members, number of children and other elements play an important role in the overall ecosystem. Family therapists often use a genogram to better understand a family—a diagram that maps each member's relationship to the others.
We joke about the ills of family disharmony - the nasty uncle, the unhealthy brother-in-law, the hysterical aunt, the little sister who's always telling lies. However, having close family relationships can provide a person with higher life satisfaction, as well as lower rates of depression and morbidity.
Analysis of problems faced by families
An analysis of the problems of most families shows that the causes of many family difficulties lie in erroneous beliefs.
What are we leading to? We want to separate the negative, i.e. unwanted behavior of people from the people themselves.
The mechanism is simple: all beliefs, as we have already written, lie in the unconscious. The conscious mind, for the most part, does not like what the unconscious mind begins to do when some unsupportive belief is activated and conflict occurs.
Sometimes people are surprised: how is it that I want two opposite things at the same time? The answer is simple: this is a conflict between our conscious desire and some belief (or some beliefs) among themselves.
Therefore, it is so important to understand that a loved one is not his behavior. This needs to be divided. (Remember how far behavior in the hierarchy of logical levels is from identity?).
90% of beliefs control a person, and it is better to choose what kind of beliefs they will be (as Robert Dilts writes, it is better to manage your beliefs yourself, otherwise beliefs will control you).
This is everyone's individual responsibility. There are a large number of special psychological techniques for this. Throughout life, we become convinced and disabused of something many times; this is a completely natural process.
Therefore, it is very important for personal and family well-being to learn to think differently, in a new way: if suddenly you are angry with a loved one for his behavior, if it really causes you discomfort - then what kind of beliefs are currently possessing your loved one or by you?
It gives a lot of food for thought and helps you build relationships on a whole new level.
Let’s also say that there are no negative beliefs; there are beliefs that are ineffective. This is very important to understand. We shouldn’t think that we have some “enemy” parts in our psyche. Let's not engage in “psychological exorcism” and drive out the devil from where he does not exist - from our psyche.
The fact is that most beliefs once seemed very effective to us and therefore were adopted by our unconscious. Or they were uncritically accepted from an authority figure whom we considered a priori more effective than us.
So, for example, let’s imagine a child whose parents are forcing him to go to a music school he doesn’t like, where the final concert will soon take place - a painful, unpleasant event for this particular “music-lover.” And he finds a way to get out of the situation of suppression, a simple childish way - to get sick.
The child concludes that this is effective. However, when in the same way a forty-year-old man “decides” to bypass an interview for a high-paying job that he needs and desires, this is no longer acceptable and ineffective. This is necessary to know.
There is nothing negative or harmful in our psyche - there is something ineffective or inappropriate in any particular context. This is what bothers us.
And again: to arrange your belief system in such a way that these beliefs support, and do not suppress, help you follow your path, and do not lead you astray from it - this is the personal responsibility of each person and at the same time - the gift that each of us can do it to himself.
Sometimes it happens that a person has a belief that literally poisons his life. Much of this depends on the breadth of the context in which it is launched.
That is, let’s say, there is a context of childbirth, and beliefs that relate to it are activated when a person hears about someone’s childbirth, or thinks about his upcoming birth, or comprehends what has already happened. That is, when the same person chooses candy in a store, what he thinks—or doesn’t think—about childbirth means very little.
At the same time, there is the context of, say, family life or the context of work - they occupy a significant part of our time and thoughts. And there is a basic life context that is always unfolding, and certain beliefs may also relate to it.
Situations of problems in family life
Non-supportive beliefs appear when a person begins to perceive as an immutable fact, as an absolute truth, some judgment that was formed at an early age due to a lack of life experience - or, without subjecting it to reflection and criticism, was adopted from an authority figure, most likely someone sometimes from parents, older relatives, teachers.
In the language of transactional analysis, we can say that these are elements of the world picture of the internal Parent and Child that fell into the Adult ego state (the so-called contamination), and the Adult, having provided some kind of “logical” justification for them, began to perceive and use them as objective facts.
Imagine an intelligent, educated man of thirty years old who is firmly convinced that the wind blows because the trees sway.
Somehow one doesn’t fit with the other, doesn’t it? Why then is it easy to imagine an intelligent, educated man of thirty who is convinced that drinking cold water will give him a sore throat?
There is one more nuance regarding beliefs that needs to be taken into account.
An unsupportive belief, as it were, relieves a person of responsibility for his existence and well-being: “This is not who we are, this is how life is.” It seems like bribes are smooth now.
“As if” and “sort of as” - because, of course, no one can remove this very responsibility from a person, including himself. You can, of course, play the game “I see nothing, hear nothing” and live for a while with your eyes closed and your hands folded, but this game cannot continue for long, and if it drags on, it leads to very undesirable consequences.
Supportive beliefs. No, they do not give a person responsibility for himself, because in order to give something, you must first take it away, and such an arrangement is impossible.
Supportive beliefs fundamentally assert that responsibility for a person's life initially lies with him or her. A person who has such beliefs acts and feels accordingly.
He is firmly convinced that his health, career, personal life, self-awareness and self-actualization are in his hands and it depends only on him what to do with it and what the result will be.
And now let’s discuss some misconceptions that pretty much poison people’s lives in their families—more precisely, they prevent them from building their family relationships positively and authentically.
Unfortunately, they are quite common in modern Russia, and even if at first glance they produce a somewhat... ummm... exotic impression, upon closer examination it strikes that “I’ve already seen this somewhere.”
We invite you to look at them unbiasedly and analyze them along with the possible consequences of “application”.
Possible family problems in the modern world
Let's start with those beliefs that generally block a person's opportunity to create a family (or prevent them from joyfully accepting an existing family).
A striking example of a family problem is the belief “Freedom is above all + Family and freedom are incompatible (the conclusion suggests itself).” This is option one.
Or another situation that provokes subsequent family problems is the belief “I need a Prince Charming for my husband (I’m looking for a wife - a Beautiful Princess), I won’t see happiness with anyone else!”
So it turns out that some people wait until a ripe old age for the appearance of some fairy-tale character, without whom happiness, especially family happiness, is in no way possible.
Or: I am worthy/deserve better. This actually makes for an interesting movie. Such a belief sets up an endless cycle of searching... for good from good.
How it all ends is known; everyone read “The Tale of the Fisherman and the Fish” in childhood. However, there are contexts where such a belief could be useful - the context of self-development, for example. That is, an intelligent person will find where to direct his energy and be happy at the same time.
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The problem of many families: infidelity
False belief: everyone cheats on each other, so I will do it too.
Here a belief arises that provokes family problems in the future: betrayal is the best way to take revenge.
Or like this: If you have been cheated on, you need to immediately break off the relationship / If you have been cheated on, you need to maintain the relationship, but make your partner “forever guilty.”
What we have? A number of common beliefs regarding adultery. How legitimate is the use of this term at all (along with all the negative connotations that it carries).
Let’s just say that the dichotomy of marital fidelity and infidelity is being speculated upon by everyone who is not too lazy, and this speculation with possible options is by no means beneficial to the family as such.
Well, we’re generally silent about the first position on the list: it doesn’t stand up to even mild criticism. What, everyone changes everything? And there is not a single person, not a single family who would build relationships differently?
Regarding point two: the following would be much more justified: betrayal (like any revenge) is the best way to destroy a relationship. By the way, women often use this belief.
But in vain - for them this is fraught with serious consequences. The fact is that there are some cause-and-effect relationships in the human psyche, which are laid down, one might say, by hundreds of thousands of years of evolution.
So, if a man cannot be sure of his paternity (and in the case of female infidelity, he cannot, on an unconscious level), his attachment to the woman and children and his loyal attitude towards them weakens catastrophically until it disappears completely. And who needs it?
On the third point: it’s simply impossible not to say that there are people whom you don’t feed with bread - let them make mountains out of molehills. And then, when they are left alone with this elephant.
True, sometimes it is in this state that insight occurs. Everyone has their own. But here's a hint: as Eckhart Tolle wrote, "Here's a new spiritual practice for you—don't take your thoughts so seriously." By the way, note that this path works with any non-supporting belief.
Those who, due to some conviction, are looking for reasons to establish a personal dictatorship in the family, can only be reminded that dictatorship usually ends with a coup and of all forms of political structure has the shortest period of existence.
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Example of a family problem: mania for leadership
Another possible family problem arises from the belief: “All means are good to become the head of the family.”
And the options: “In the family, the man is always in charge”; “In a family, the woman is always in charge”; “There should only be one chief” These beliefs are reminiscent of the motto of one fictional character named MacLeod and have just as little connection with reality.
Here it is necessary to take into account that such a mania for leadership, like many of our other characteristics, comes from childhood, namely: an irrepressible desire to command others, which knows neither boundaries nor differences in contexts, appears when a small child is not allowed to prove himself as a leader, Well, they just don’t give it, that’s all. Not in any situation.
To put it simply, he is commanded, but he is not given command. And such suppression - like any other suppression of a child - usually backfires.
Remember the English proverb: you don’t need to educate your children, they will still be like you - educate yourself! Therefore, a child who is commanded by his parents, harshly or not, also learns to command.
But he does not receive a model of adequate, expedient subordination, or it is poorly developed. At first glance, it may seem that this is not so: they say, such a child gets used to a passive role and continues to play it throughout life, but we are talking about something else, about deeper things.
Because in such a situation it happens, and it often happens, that a person, demonstrating external passivity, internally not only does not obey, but also tries to lead others gradually. An unpleasant prospect for family relationships, isn't it?
My home is my fortress, but within its walls day and night there is a constant struggle: who, who will win?
In such a situation, it would not be a bad idea to come to your senses and remember that, in fact, a spouse, as well as children, are in no way enemies, and certainly not territory that needs to be captured: these are our closest people, friends and comrades-in-arms, and fight them for power or other similar games - this means depriving yourself of the most important, the most valuable, in fact, what makes a family a family - warmth, trust, support. Respect and love.
And let's also say that power may well be one of the basic life values of a person - however, in this case, it does not mean at all what is commonly believed.
Precisely because our first associations with the word “power” actually refer rather to those very distortions and “distortions” that stem from the desire to lead suppressed in childhood.
And for those who have tracked such beliefs in themselves, it makes sense to think about the fact that every person is a leader. Every! In its context.
And this need - to feel and show oneself as a leader in one or another context or in several - is naturally inherent in a person. And in a family, prosperity comes when each of its members has their own area of responsibility, where he is the leader for everyone. This also applies to children, even the youngest.
The following describes what problems arise in families due to a distorted perception of sex.
Family psychologist services
Can TFV help couples or parents who have relationship problems with their children?
I answer, of course, maybe there would be a desire. One of the frequent cases of turning to a psychologist is mutual irritation or resentment of spouses towards each other, and, as a result, quarrels and disagreements. To maintain relationships and peace in the family, I, as a TFV processor, need to work separately with each of the spouses.
Problem patterns can be very different.
1. The husband may be annoyed by his wife’s manner of raising children or frequent communication with girlfriends, and she, in turn, may be angry by his manner of communication with her parents, manifested by migraines or high blood pressure.
2. The husband may drink frequently (the reasons for this addiction may be fear of losing his business or disagreements with his mother), and the wife may blame herself for not being able to help him.
3. Spouses may quarrel because both are building careers and devoting little time to children. However, he may have resentment and jealousy, and she may have a fear of losing her job and being left out of work.
4. He may ignore her requests to change a low-paying job (the reason for this may be fears, lack of self-confidence), and she, in turn, may be in subsequent depression, because until her husband finds a well-paid job, her life will be so and it will be like Groundhog Day.
5. The mother constantly yells at her son/daughter because she believes that he is growing up too lazy and disorganized, while the child, in turn, suffers from asthma and frequent colds, the reason for which lies in his belief that his mother does not love him.
All these cases are taken from life , to some they will seem familiar, but to others they will have a completely different story. For TFV this is not the main thing. Something else is more important. When spouses or a mother and a child contact each other at the same time, there is a chance, in a fairly short time, to improve relations between close people, to untie the knot of problems that keeps the family in the field of conflict.
Imagine how great it would be if your irritation with your husband subsided, and his resentment towards you went away. You could once again enjoy communicating with each other, receiving all the bonuses of marriage from this.
You can also seek help in solving the following psychological problems:
- Treatment of psychosomatic diseases
- Getting rid of self-doubt
- Treatment of depression
- Treatment of fears and phobias
- Treatment of panic attacks
What problems with sex arise in families?
Mankind has invented all kinds of misconceptions on the topic of sex that lead to problems in the family. Here you have it: only men need sex; for women it is an unpleasant duty. (It follows from this: if a woman gives a man sex, she is doing him a favor).
Sex is only needed to have children. Sex is only for pleasure, and children are an unpleasant consequence of sex. Here: it’s normal if a man loves one woman and sleeps with another. (As a rule, this is a consequence of a belief like “Sex is a base need that defiles a person and relationships.” Some kind of medieval mood in the air, and, most importantly, no romantic flair.)
Unfortunately, many such misconceptions still exist in some families, although the era of socialist education in the spirit of “there is no sex in the USSR!” ended a long time ago. And this is understandable.
For many of us, childhood and adolescence occurred in the “wild nineties,” when suddenly everything that was previously impossible became possible. And it is clear that our parents tried to protect us from some excesses and abuses, transmitting and even strengthening such beliefs so that they acted as internal stop signals in an atmosphere of permissiveness.
But, excuse me, when these brake lights turn on in the marital bed and prevent loving people from living a full life, it looks inappropriate and stupid. How many people go to doctors and other specialists with psychosomatic disorders of the reproductive system? And how many people don’t come forward when family problems arise because of sex?
In general, it is important to understand that for any belief there is a dissuade, and sometimes it is difficult to even imagine what its healing effect will be.
And if we help our children strengthen in the thought, in the vision, in the feeling that sex is an integral part of human life, one of the most important, that it is a sphere of pleasure, bodily communication and joy that everyone discovers for themselves, we will do a lot for their health and well-being.
And also for the health and well-being of our grandchildren. And great-grandchildren. And so on. This is what is called a benevolent family tradition.
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Problems of raising children in the family
The next group of beliefs is related to the fact that the child should be obedient.
A child is a heavy burden for father and mother. (Remember? “Little children are little troubles”, “How many nights did you not sleep”, “Getting a child on his feet is no joke”, etc.).
But these are the most blinders on the eyes, which prevent one from realizing how great the contribution of a child to the family is, the contribution of even the smallest baby, even an unborn baby.
Beliefs from this series shift the parent’s focus from joys to difficulties (which, by and large, help a person develop, become healthier and stronger, gain more and more strength, but for some reason some people don’t think about this). It’s good that you can translate it “backwards” in the same way, to joy.
To do this, however, you need to think a little.
And here let us remember another very unpleasant belief. It sounds, relatively speaking, like this: with the help of a child you can achieve anything from anyone. This phenomenon seems so wild to a reasonable eye that it is even difficult to write about it, but it is necessary while such “chains” still exist:
- Getting pregnant to induce a suitor to propose marriage
- Give birth to a child to bind your partner closer to you
- Threatening separation from the child to force the partner to do/not do something
- Masking your desires under the needs and desires of the child, achieve something from your partner
Both, and the third, and the fourth, with appropriate linguistic amendments, are found in the behavior of both sexes. And of course, improper upbringing of children leads to problems in the family.
And here you need to keep this in mind. In the psyche of every person there is not only a conscious part, but also an unconscious part. About how different their capabilities and functions are.
So, when we communicate with each other, our unconscious minds also communicate. And they have access to millions of times more information than the Conscious Ones. And the Unconscious perceives such things without embellishment and disguise.
So, as they say, on an unconscious level, each participant in the system knows everything that happens in the system, including this kind of “interaction.”
And events then develop accordingly, the shadow of discontent and mistrust darkens not only the relationship between spouses, but also child-parent relationships (and this is understandable, who would like to participate in this kind of “game” if its “rules” were suddenly revealed?) .
And in order to return colors and sounds to your family system, and also to be able to bring into it something new and as wonderful as the ability to hear the world and perceive it in color, you need to constantly work on yourself.
The concept of “work” in this case includes becoming aware of the undesirable strategies caused by these types of beliefs and purposefully changing unsupportive beliefs into supportive ones.
Not moving forward is moving backward. To live, a person needs to improve, and any system lives, developing, and when development ends, dying begins - this is a law that can be observed everywhere in nature.
So, in family relationships, development is necessary just as in any system. The development of family relationships is an increase in the positive things that are already in the relationship or will be in the future.
There are no universals; by positive in the family system we mean those “phenomena” that evoke positive emotions among the participants in the system.
And maybe there are people whose positive emotions are somehow connected with manipulation, lies, coldness and loneliness in the end, but they are probably few, and even then this is associated with the manifestations of some specific beliefs.
Most likely, much more often positive emotions are caused by such phenomena as sincerity, intimacy, warmth, trust, respect, strength, love and others from the same value field. This path will not be easy, no, but this fact - for obvious reasons - speaks only in its favor.
Psychological approach
Psychological family problems are often associated with the addition of a family—the birth of a baby. Firstly, these may be problems associated with the social and psychological immaturity of the family. For example, when a young family does not yet have their own home and good income to support a child. Unfortunately, in our country, marriages are concluded “on the fly”; in this matter, we should learn from our Western neighbors.
Be that as it may, how to solve the problems in family life that arise with the birth of a child? The most obvious solution to this problem is family planning. It’s not the best option to have children in the first year of marriage; you should go through the so-called “grinding in.” And if the baby has already been born, then you will have to forget about your ambitions, now the most important thing is not you, but he.
Problems of family psychology affect the personality and personal qualities of a person, some of them help us in life, while others, on the contrary, hinder us. For example, excessive ambition can harm the family, as mentioned above - in the family everything is divided equally. However, an overly ambitious person can always “pull the blanket over themselves” and not allow their significant other to express themselves.
Another common problem is jealousy. Because of jealousy, people are capable of crazy things: surveillance, threats, violence. And divorce, in this case, turns into salvation. Also, a jealous person destroys not only the life of his partner, but also of all household members. How can you live peacefully while constantly being in fear? In this case, help with family problems must be sought in the office of a family psychotherapist.
What to do if there are problems in the family
Below are recommendations from psychologists on what to do if there are problems in the family:
- The first thing we can recommend to you is to give up “mind reading” and “diagnosing”. A simple rule: if there is a problem in which you are involved, which concerns you, solve it, starting with yourself, and it will be solved. If you try to solve it starting from something else, it will get worse. If your partner asks you to help him find his original belief, help him, of course: working in pairs always gives wonderful results. Just follow his path in this process, half a step behind or next to him, but not in front - there is a big temptation to lead him along.
- If any of the mentioned beliefs “resound”, it’s time to go to the already mentioned “point-above-beliefs” and think: “What belief would I like to have instead?” And then you can let the unconscious mind deal with this task itself.
- Often, when a limiting belief is triggered, a negative state associated with it automatically arises. And it also happens: I’m an adult, I understand that this and that are false, but why then do I continue to live as if this is true? This happens when a belief is recognized as ineffective, but it still continues to operate from the unconscious (in fact, techniques for changing beliefs are used to help oneself get out of this state faster; naturally, without special exercises you will also get out, but it will take more time). This state is difficult to experience when you are completely focused on it - and on your beliefs themselves. And just as quickly you can get out of it to the “point-above-beliefs.” This is a special state of understanding that there can be any beliefs, that now they can conflict with each other as much as necessary, but these are just beliefs, small programs that we use for life. But there is something greater and more important that does not depend on them. This is ourselves.
Reasons for contacting a family psychologist
The psychologist provides assistance in solving problems in relationships not only for married couples. Frequent reasons for requests are below.
● Adultery.
● Conflict of interest.
● Relationships between parents and children. Parents often cannot “let go” of adult children. Daughters cannot build relationships with cold mothers.
● Narcissistic personality type in children or parents.
● Loneliness. You have been single for a long time and you understand that something needs to change.
● Age crises in children.
● Reduced motivation to study in a teenager, rudeness, running away from home.
● Serious illness or death of relatives.
● Preventive counseling for couples.
Signs that indicate that spouses need help from a psychologist:
● Frequent conflicts for the same reasons. For other reasons, quarrels do not arise, or rarely.
● Blaming each other for problems.
● Dissatisfaction of one or both spouses with sexual life.
● External stress, which can alienate a couple from each other.
● Relationships do not develop.
● One of the partners asks for professional help.
