This article is part of the One on One project. In it we talk about relationships with ourselves and others. If the topic is close to you, share your story or opinion in the comments. Will wait!
If you look around, it seems that the world is crazy about love. On movie screens there are melodramas and romantic comedies. There are couples in love on the streets, in parks and cafes. There are tons of articles on the Internet about how to build and maintain relationships, how to find your soul mate.
A person who has never been in love - or thinks that he has not been - may feel that he is “wrong” and categorically does not fit into this love-centric world. Here are a few thoughts that will help you look at your circumstances from a different angle.
Think about what you mean by “love”
Thanks to books and films, we think that this is a powerful feeling that unsettles us and literally turns our whole life upside down. That these are continuous dramas and tears, butterflies fluttering in the stomach, fiery passions, obsession that deprives one of reason and makes a loved one the center of the Universe. Moreover, according to the laws of the genre, all this fireworks should begin almost immediately after meeting with the same or that one.
Few people put on the big screen stories about how two people quietly and calmly came together against the backdrop of common interests, just as quietly got married and lived for themselves, without creating scenes of jealousy and stormy breakups, without tearing each other’s clothes in a fit of passion and without throwing up. concerts under the windows. Although in real life this is exactly how “boring” everything often happens.
Psychologists are more than skeptical about crazy passionate love, which is so often romanticized, and consider Addicted to love: What is love addiction and when should it be treated? that this is not love, but a dangerous pathological condition that causes addiction. It is not feelings as such that make us seek thrills, commit rash actions and enter into unhealthy relationships, but a hormonal cocktail of oxytocin, norepinephrine and dopamine. He provokes what we take for love.
It has many forms and manifestations, and most of them are not at all as bright as in cinema and literature. Feelings may not come immediately - only a third of study participants say Scientists explain 'love at first sight' that they experienced love at first sight. And feelings can be soft and calm.
If there is a person in your life with whom you want to be close and without whom you feel sad, it is quite possible that this is love.
Illustration: Anna Guridova / Lifehacker
Understand the reasons
If you are still sure that you have never loved, and this torments you, you can analyze why this is happening. Here are the main options.
There are more important things to do
The times when you had to create a family to survive are, fortunately, gone. Nowadays, a person’s life is not limited to the household and children. He can build a career, play sports or creativity, learn a variety of things, travel, make friends, communicate and have fun.
For 60% of young Russians, material wealth comes first. Russian youth named their most important goals in life. Only 5% of respondents named having a permanent partner as a life priority.
If you are primarily busy with work, hobbies or self-development, and love and relationships are not very interesting to you yet, there is nothing strange in this and everything is completely fine with you. Everyone has their own values.
Fear of intimacy
It can arise due to childhood trauma or an unhealthy relationship with a previous partner. As a result, a person associates intimacy with pain: rejection, betrayal, the need to “earn” love all the time - and he is simply afraid of a serious relationship, closes himself off, and pushes people away from him. Psychologists call this condition attachment trauma, or counterdependence.
Why didn't anyone love me in my life?
We come from childhood - people grow up, injuries received at an early age remain. The child does not receive attention, draws conclusions: “Mom doesn’t love me, dad doesn’t notice me.”
Children consider themselves unloved when they see indifference:
- High expectations. To arrive at the disappointing “Mom doesn’t love me,” a child needs criticism, furrowed eyebrows, and a stern look. Parental hopes collide with reality, and adults reproach the child for not being diligent enough.
- Postponing decisions. It seems to the child that desires must be satisfied immediately. If execution is delayed, it is considered a sign of unlove. Parents forget: hugs and kisses compensate for children's disappointments.
- Frustration. The phrases “You don’t need it”, “Mom knows best” tell the baby: his needs are unimportant, adults are more important, more significant.
- Cruelty. Harsh, rude words, insults, and belittling eloquently prove the validity of “Mom doesn’t love me.”
Evidence of the absence of unconditional affection is imprinted in the psyche of children. Growing up, they see only the total dislike of those around them. Attempts to earn approval end in failure: excessive importunity and the desire to stand out repel others.
“Nobody loves me - hunger for parental love. A black hole that sucks in any signs of attention and demands more. Permanent dissatisfaction with the amount of attention - brought up from childhood"
The confidence “Nobody needs me” is usually unfounded and prevents you from seeing real manifestations of love. The little girl becomes a lonely adult woman seeking acceptance. An unhappy mother raises her child with the awareness of her own insignificance.
