Is it right that the ex-husband does not help the child?

Why do men return after divorce?

According to most abandoned wives, husbands' nostalgia for lost comforts takes over. Long-term family life took root in the subconscious of the former head of the family.
For example, a clean floor, the outline of a previously made bed, a heated, delicious breakfast, or washed clothes fragrant with the usual aroma constantly remind themselves of themselves with signals to the “lost” brain, tempted by treason. An imaginary independent life can be maintained on scrambled eggs and packaged dumplings for the time being.

It will obviously require indestructible female ingenuity, strengthened by many hours of grocery shopping, and allowing you to save money and then prepare hearty, savory dishes. And if a rival does the cooking, will the romantic who strives for innovation immediately take up a hammer and repair the plumbing?

He will simply want a psychological break, which may push the “traitor” to return to the abandoned “harbour.” The expressed opinions of wives talking about such vulnerabilities complement the fears of mistresses. They consider their emotional connection with their conquered loved one to be much poorer than the previous family “storage of feelings.”

The winners modestly believe that the usual morning perception of the ex-wife in the kitchen cannot always be replaced by a new, not fully studied, companion. The mistresses of an experienced family man also notice his less relaxed behavior.

And they see that it will take years to expand the boundaries of a partner’s comfortable state, and such little things eventually develop into misunderstandings. Experts see the divorced spouse’s fear of possible changes as the main reason for returning.

For example, the desire to go for regular morning jogging often ends with a noticeable decline in motivation. Psychologists emphasize that men want changes in personal relationships, but prefer to give up so as not to go too far from the usual boundaries of comfort. Even the “fugitives” themselves often call the time of leaving a test of feelings.

When the “runaway” husband first appears, it is necessary to remain calm and meaningful silence.

Reasons why a man leaves

Most often, the initiator of divorce is the representative of the stronger sex. There comes a time when he is already tired of everything, it seems that he himself is better off coping with all the problems. Then men take a drastic decision - divorce. The main thing is that they do not yet realize their action and do not understand whether it will make them worse or better.

1. The main reason why a husband leaves the family is that he finds another woman. Representatives of the stronger sex love attention to themselves. Therefore, if the wife has relaxed a little, and a lady appears on the horizon who flirts with him, this is a problem.
2. Sexual dissatisfaction. Representatives of the male half of humanity need sexual intercourse more than women. When a married couple forgets about their intimate life, the man will look for it on the side, and then divorce is not far away.
3. The desire to become free. Many men believe that marriage is a “cage”; they want to get out of it and find freedom.
4. After several years of living together, life, children and other household problems become boring. Sometimes a man just wants to take a break from it all, but doesn't think about the consequences.
5. Of course, sometimes a representative of the stronger sex can initiate a divorce after his wife cheats or because the relationship does not work out. Constant quarrels and scandals do not decorate a marriage.

Main reasons for ignoring

An indifferent attitude on the part of a man hurts a woman’s self-esteem. But often the reasons for distant behavior lie not in the girl’s behavior, but in the fears and complexes of the man himself. In addition, there may be more compelling reasons for ignoring.

Afraid to take the first step

It's not just girls who may be embarrassed to take the first step in a relationship. This is common for guys too. Try to put yourself in the place of the chosen one. Is it easy for you to approach a colleague you like and ask him out on a date?

When we fall in love, we often hesitate before taking the initiative. I would like to find the words so that they definitely won’t refuse. Guys also don’t want to be rejected, and therefore show that they don’t really need a relationship. This is one of the most common reasons why a guy ignores a girl he really likes.

Not ready for a serious relationship

Guys often simply do not want to part with freedom; they treat it very reverently. If you come across one on the way, then you shouldn’t rush him. There is no need to scare a man away by talking about marriage, children and a mortgage, even when you are already imagining your future life together for 50 years in the future, and he is clearly in love with you.

It is better if the relationship develops gradually, and you will have time to understand whether the person is next to you. Show how successful you are. Demonstrate that happiness does not depend on having a man nearby. If you can convince the guy of this, he won't want to lose you.

Already have a lover

Sometimes the reason a guy disappears after a couple of dates is because of another girl. In this case, an affair for him is just a way to escape from the routine and problems in a permanent relationship. When there is a hint of seriousness, the man simply disappears. He stops answering calls and messages, may look away when meeting you, and pretend that he didn’t notice you.

If a guy you like ignores messages and calls or suddenly disappeared from your life, you need to find out if he has a wife or girlfriend. The guesses were confirmed - switch your attention to a more worthy person.

Low self-esteem

It happens that a guy ignores his chosen one because of his low self-esteem. Looking at his beloved, he realizes that she is too good for him. He is afraid to openly declare his sympathy, because such a girl will start laughing.

In his head, a man can scroll through further options for the development of events. He believes that even if you agree to a relationship, someone will appear who will take away his beloved - more interesting, handsome, strong and rich.

In melodramas, such plots are very common, but in real life such situations are rare. In most cases, guys are fine with their self-esteem; they can’t even imagine that there is a woman who is inaccessible to them.

If a man really has problems with his self-esteem, you can convince him that you sincerely like him. But there is no guarantee that in the future you will not have to constantly reassure your chosen one during his depression and assure him of love.

Opponent of office romances

If you like a coworker but he ignores you, it's not always about the girl. Perhaps the man’s ignoring is a consequence of the fact that he simply does not want to have affairs at work. There is a category of guys who separate their career and personal life and do not cross this line. Correcting the situation is difficult, but possible. There are two ways to do this.

Why men come back: the point of view of the stronger sex

Ex-husbands return for a number of reasons:

• grievances become dull, everything bad no longer seems so terrible;
• the spouse rethinks his behavior and admits the mistakes he made in marriage;
• there remains a feeling of love that does not fade away;
• the presence of children does not give a man peace and he feels an obligation to return to his ex precisely for their sake.

Whether the ex-husband will return after a divorce or not depends on his psychological state and the reason that prompted him to leave.

Collapse of illusions

Men are not inclined to take radical measures and decide to divorce only when they meet new love. We are not talking about periodic fleeting betrayals - for a man they are not a significant reason. But if he suddenly meets a woman with whom he loses his head, neither a long-term strong marriage, nor the presence of small children, nor a common business will stop him.

The problem is that any insanity is followed by sobering up. At some point, a man blinded by passion notes that his new passion is not so wonderful. She, just like a disgusted abandoned wife, may look bad, she may be in a bad mood, and she also begins to make claims. A man who has gained insight suddenly notices that her soup is not so tasty, that she is a bad housewife, and her own whims worry her much more than his desires. He increasingly remembers his former home, in which he felt comfortable, in which he was loved and respected. And now he is already standing on the threshold of this house with his suitcase packed.

Fatherly feelings

Of course, men do not always go to their mistress. Sometimes they need to change their life path. They are disappointed in marriage, in their choice of profession and want to find themselves in other areas. Some people go on trips, others radically change their occupation.

But love for children makes them change their minds. Having tried their hand at new hobbies, they begin to yearn for those who give them unconditional love. They want to watch the first successes of their children, they want to have intimate conversations with them, take them to school, and attend matinees. Then they return to the family to take an active part in raising children.

Change of world view

The least likely time an ex-husband wants to come back is when he admits to making a mistake. Sometimes a person needs to be in solitude in order to analyze the state of affairs from a distance. Only by looking around, comparing his wife with other women, can he recognize her point of view, appreciate her attractiveness and wisdom. Only by talking with other ladies can he be convinced that there is no better wife, that no one understands and supports him the way she does. And this reason is perhaps the only comforting one for the wife.

Unforeseen difficulties

Going for new sensations, for fresh emotions, men do not think about everyday difficulties. But having enjoyed the long-awaited freedom, they find themselves in a cluttered bachelor pad, where no one will cook their favorite dish, iron their shirt, listen or encourage them.

A man can become seriously ill and come to his abandoned wife with repentance, hoping that she will become his caring nurse. He may be left without a stable income and invite his wife to reunite, because it is easier for the two of them to cope with financial difficulties. And he can remember about his ex only because he has no one to satisfy his sexual needs with.

Not satisfied with the existing relationship

From psychotherapeutic practice, there are cases where a husband first leaves for his mistress, and then tries to humiliate her in the eyes of his ex-wife, so that by evoking good emotions and emphasizing as many advantages as possible, it would be easier to gain trust and return. This is a familiar trick of scammers, because if these qualities satisfied him, he would not look for a replacement. In addition, cheating husbands know about the fragility of love, which begins with intimate attraction. Based on this, it is better to close the door in front of him if you have received nothing except promises and persuasion with apologies.

On the other hand, the husband could come to his senses and fix the problem that caused you to separate. This could be a separation from your mistress on the day of the divorce or after a short period of time. In addition, without sparing his health or money, he tries to get you back in every possible way. In this case, you can try to return, but with the mark “probationary period”.

Love addiction

Cholerics and melancholics are prone to love addiction. An addict cannot imagine his life without his beloved, which manifests itself in not the best behavioral model: jealousy, aggression or tearfulness, attachment to oneself. If the ex-husband previously checked for betrayal, was jealous of every man, did not allow him to meet his girlfriends or somehow move away for a while in order to breathe deeply, then today, promising not to do this, he betrays himself, since this program is embedded in his subconscious and has been undergoing treatment with a psychotherapist for a long time. It follows that the scenario that tormented you in the past will repeat itself in the future.

If after the divorce the husband was not active towards his ex-wife, then a sudden desire to return may arise for the following reasons:

• A mistress left (the object of love that gives self-confidence has disappeared);
• Romances with new women fail (each acquaintance becomes fruitless, which reduces self-esteem);
• Fear of new relationships (since new ones are not created, it is better to return to the old ones, where they usually forgive and accept);
• Jealousy due to the appearance of a new man on the horizon of the ex-wife (the husband’s sense of possessiveness is so high that the subconscious “all my ladies” forces him to win you back);
• Understanding personal changes for the worse (divorce became a reason to think about inappropriate actions towards the wife and led to depression, which changed the husband’s physical and mental state).

Often women return to such husbands due to lack of self-confidence, because watching his efforts, they understand that they are needed by at least someone, but this is a fiction. In fact, getting closer will strengthen self-esteem for both, but this will not change the situation: jealousy will remain, the risk of betrayal will remain.

Selfish reasons

Among other things, ex-husbands often return to women whose status after divorce exceeded men's expectations. In addition, if the husband did not have a high income, and now has become completely unemployed, the only way out of the difficulty is to win the heart of his ex-wife. But what will she get in return from the gigolo? Love? Is she needed by an established individual with a high status and the prospect of a self-sufficient man? After all, the brighter the success, the more noticeable the person. And if the husband left for someone else and wants to return due to his needs, it is difficult to call him self-sufficient.

Assess your husband's prospects for rising to your level and his ability to accept a lost egoist. If he needs his mother, let him go to her. You are not responsible for his mistakes.

Why do men and women return to former relationships, and what is the point?

If the ex-spouse has decided to return to the family hearth, this does not mean that he is driven by unearthly love . Couples who have lived together for at least 5 years get used to each other, as well as to the comfortable life and stability that they have living under the same roof.

Be sure to read it! What to do if you have lost your passport?

Financial issues, everyday problems and other issues that have to be resolved together bring people together. Moreover, long-term cohabitation allows you to perfectly study your other half.

We know how many spoons of sugar to put in his or her tea, what to treat our other half for lunch, and exactly how to spend the weekend so that everyone has a good time. As a result, a so-called comfort zone is formed, which many spouses who decide to make changes begin to miss.

After all, while the candy-bouquet period lasts, it is not so easy to understand what exactly the new object of adoration is. And with the beginning of living together, all the shortcomings of the new soulmate are clearly outlined.

In the end, it turns out that the ex-wife cooked that same soup much better than the new one... And she took better care of the cleanliness of the house... And there can be an unlimited number of such criteria for comparison.

And if you add to the listed points children together, memories advising you to “make peace and not fool” your relatives, then the scales quite often tip in favor of the ex-spouse.

How to speed up the reunification of spouses?

To quickly restore relationships, a special attitude is important, namely:

• try to forget everything;
• let it hurt, but forgive;
• understand yourself and get rid of uncontrollable complexes of anger, indignation and other unpleasant emotions;
• prepare for change. For reunification, a different personality is needed;
• follow the rule: the more deeply and gracefully a woman changes, the faster her husband will be drawn to her;
• maximize self-esteem, supported by regular physical exercise in the gym or at home;
• become really attractive. Every woman knows how to do this; she just has to want it.

The algorithm for accelerating the psychological impact on the ex-spouse may be as follows:

• call and schedule a business meeting, preferably in a week, in a cafe or restaurant, warning that everyone pays for themselves;
• call back in a few days. Reschedule the meeting for the next day in the evening and only for half an hour no more;
• be at least five minutes late and come in a new tight outfit with charming makeup and a good hairstyle;
• greet. Report some far-fetched decision and the need to never meet again. Smile. Kiss me on the cheek and leave. The decision depends on your own imagination, where the environment serves as a resource.

The order of the actions themselves is small, but quite effective. The proposed algorithm in 95% of cases guarantees the awakening of the ex-spouse’s powerful interest in his abandoned wife and the generation of his early desire to return home.

Ex-husband

Andrey and I have been married for 10 years. My daughter was born, and everything seemed to be fine; they almost never quarreled; I ran straight home from work, and only when I had time!

And then I came home, and there was a note on the table: “Masha, forgive me, but I fell in love with another woman, so I’m leaving for her. I take only personal things, I leave the apartment and all acquired property to you and your daughter. I don’t refuse to help, I hope you’ll allow me to see my daughter. Thank you for everything. Andrey."

So I sat down. And when did you manage to have a mistress? He was always such an exemplary, homely person. Everyone spent the weekend with their family. Maybe one of our friends? But no matter how much I looked through it, no one came to mind.

And then I just spat and realized that the most important thing is how my daughter and I will live now. I had no plans to tearfully beg for return, I’m not the first, I’m not the last to go through this. We must move on with our lives.

I looked at myself in the mirror - and I’m still very good, I really need to lose a little weight, about 6-7 kilograms.

In general, I haven’t lost anything, the apartment is mine and my daughter’s.

I won’t tell Katya anything, although for now let her be on a long business trip.

My husband chose a good time; my daughter is on vacation and visiting her grandmother.

I went to a beauty salon over the weekend to clean my feathers: I got a manicure, pedicure, and a haircut in the latest fashion. I bought a stylish suit and dress for going out. I went to work on Monday in full force and threw myself into it.

A week later, my grandmother arrived with Katyusha and stayed with us for a week. And just as I was walking her back, the bell rang. It was an unfamiliar woman; she didn’t talk on the phone, she just made an appointment and intrigued me. Although for some reason I guessed who it was, I was intrigued and agreed.

That’s when I saw her, my husband’s new love. She appears to be 26-29 years old, well-groomed, beautiful, dressed in the latest fashion.

Without any greetings, she began the story:

- I am your husband’s mistress, he left for me the other day.

- Yes? What is required of me now?

— When meeting me, your husband said that he was divorced. Of course, I liked him right away. In addition, I then broke up with my ex-husband. I didn’t plan any serious relationship with Andrey, just to spend time, and everything suited me in such a relationship, but the other day he came to me with a suitcase...

That’s when I was taken aback, because it’s one thing to just have a good time, and another thing to live under the same roof. I politely remained silent and could not refuse. No matter how passionate I was about a man, I didn’t want to share housing with him.

And then I came across his passport, then I found out that Andrey was also married! It turns out he was deceiving me all this time! Then, of course, he made excuses that you supposedly haven’t lived together for a long time, you just won’t give him a divorce. In general, I don't trust him anymore. Therefore, I ask you to forgive me for the inconvenience caused and take your husband back! ...

I was taken aback by this lady's statement. I didn’t even immediately find what to answer her.

- You know, I don’t hold a grudge against you, since you say that my so-called ex deceived you. But I will say this - tomorrow I will not file a divorce, but I will not interfere in your relationship. Figure it all out yourself! Yes, I won’t take him back...

Source

How to understand that your ex wants to come back

In the first months after a divorce, there comes a period when a man enjoys his newly acquired freedom and single life. But time passes, and he begins to miss the comfort of a sweet home, his wife, children, and the charm of a simple family life. There can be many reasons for returning: from sudden feelings to the inability to live independently.

Romance is back

If your ex suddenly starts showering you with flowers and sweets, then know: this is not just like that. Men will never do anything without intent. Therefore, you should not think that your companion decided to please you just like that. Any expenditure on a woman carries with it a certain message. Don’t think that such gifts are the norm for a man. If he gave a bouquet to every woman he knew, he would go broke in the first month. For you, he tries to create a romantic atmosphere. Everything to make you want to return to him.

Testing the waters

Your ex will definitely start to find out if you have someone now. To do this, he will use mutual friends and social networks. When a man decides to get his ex back, he immediately begins to analyze your life after your relationship with him. So he will try to understand if he has a chance to fall in love with you again. In addition, not everyone has the courage and desire to take you away from your new lover. Each man will choose his own path in this. But you will immediately notice your ex’s close attention.

Reasons for meetings

If a man is looking for a reason to see you, this clearly indicates his sympathy. Especially when it comes to someone who was already in love with you. After all, in order to understand the feelings of your ex, you only have to remember his behavior during the candy-bouquet period. Then the man has already shown you all his “tricks” with which he tried to impress the companion he liked. Naturally, the second time the man will behave more carefully. This is so that you will not immediately be able to “reveal” his plan to re-capture your heart.

"Just friend"

Sometimes a man tries to get his ex back unknowingly. It seems to him that he simply missed communicating with you. Naturally, such longing for you will be caused only by sympathy. After all, only interest pushes a man to begin getting closer to his former lover. For the stronger sex, friendship with a woman is possible only in the case of blood relationship. In any other situation, a man still regards his “girlfriend” not only in this regard. Therefore, you should not believe in fairy tales that your ex-lover suddenly decided to become “just a friend” for you.

Jealous of you

Remember: if a man is jealous of you, he is definitely experiencing romantic feelings. Especially if this is your past lover. After all, why would he waste his energy on a woman whom he was already able to leave once? Such a man understands why he has a desire to be jealous of you. Therefore, he will immediately feel the makings of love within himself. Do not doubt that every man is an owner. Even one that you have already been able to study.

How to recognize a craving for the old life in your ex-spouse?

• Talks about children. After a divorce, the relationship between the former spouses either ends completely or becomes purely official. You will have to contact if you have children together. And then the desire to return to the family can be noticeable when talking about children - how good it will be for them to grow up in a complete family, how divorce affected their academic performance/behavior, and so on.
• Remembers the past. In conversations, the ex-spouse often mentions the first years of marriage, the honeymoon, the first date and other pleasant moments. So he tries to remind the woman how good they were together.
• Presses on pity. If a man looks frankly bad during meetings - a wrinkled shirt, a haggard face, slight unshaven - and in conversations he complains about how he cannot cope with the housework, then this is a sure sign of his desire to return to his family.
• Reminds me of myself. Calls and writes for trivial reasons, “accidentally” appears in places where the ex-wife often visits. He can also offer to remain friends and even periodically go somewhere together - to the cinema, to a restaurant, to a museum.
• Presents himself in a favorable light. During rare meetings, a man tries to show that he has improved since the breakup - he has become better, richer, calmer. So he wants to show that he has rethought everything and wants to start everything from scratch. But don’t get confused - if he shows off and brags about new things, talks about interesting people he met, then this is a little revenge on you - “here, look who you lost and now bite your elbows!”

Perhaps he will not beat around the bush and will immediately say: “Honey, I want to go back and forget the past.”

Espionage

Your phone and computer will tell you the most about your personality, interests and secret passions. Under the pretext of searching for the necessary information, ask your husband for a laptop. The first sign of clarity in your relationship will be the speed with which you receive it. If at the same moment, it means either he didn’t think about the fact that you could check him, or he has nothing to hide.

Log into your browser history and in the search enter the domain name of the social network you use most often. The displayed list will indicate the pages of those people whom the husband has been interested in recently. Goal: discover women’s accounts and your own. If there are other girls on the list besides you, you can be wary.

Profiling

Returning to everyday life without communicating, without opening up in feelings, thoughts and ideas is like salting a dish and not eating it. Therefore, ask your husband for dialogue more often, not forgetting to ask uncomfortable and tricky questions about his mistress, affairs and changes that overtook him during the marital “pause”. Using the table, it is easy to determine where the husband will lie and where he will tell the truth.

Table for recognizing interlocutor's lies

Remember that guilt is not as scary as lying, so don't attack with questions unexpectedly. Using the “Gingerbread-Whip” method in a conversation, it will be possible to discern drastic changes in physiognomy and, as a result, determine the motive to return to the family.

Physiological signs of deception:

• Frequent swallowing;
• Change of tone of voice;
• Increased sweating;
• Hands in a lock (played with fingers, often with thumbs);
• Difficulty sitting still (constantly fidgeting);
• Legs crossed (one leg is wobbly).

With the indicated signs, the deceiver may have a frequent urge to go to the toilet, a desire to have a smoke break, or to go out. In addition, there are long pauses when asking uncomfortable questions.

Ex-husband (SI), page 1

Ex-husband

Irina Shailina

Prologue

The earth didn't stop. The stray dog ​​was still lazily babbling on the street, the curtain was moving from the draft, and Ilyushka, sitting in his highchair, was rhythmically tapping on the toy with a plastic spoon. Everything was the same and at the same time irreversibly different. It’s just that at one point it suddenly turned out that my man didn’t need me. It would even be funny... if it weren't so sad.

“Go away,” he said and shrugged, trying to show how much he didn’t care. - I won't hold you. Only…

- Only? - I asked eagerly.

- Only you can’t do it without me. You can't handle it.

And he looked at me. Eyes to eyes. Its blue. My brown ones are ordinary. The sky swam before his eyes. Endless ocean. I once thought I could drown in them. And now he looks at me, and in his eyes... boredom. He's bored by this conversation.

And I want to scream. I want to stamp my feet, throw our photographs in gilded frames off the walls, I want to do something terrible. But I am silent. I'm too proud. And I’m also afraid of scaring my child, he’s too young for the nasty things of this world. I am his shield.

“I’m stronger than you think,” I answered.

And he... laughed. I lit a cigarette. Blue smoke spread in the air like translucent lace, shimmering in the light. I will remember a lot from this day - all sorts of nonsense. And his laughter. And bitter smoke. And Ilyushka began to cry... The child is crying, he is bored with his toy, and I stand and look at his father. I want to touch his cheek with my hand for the last time. Run your finger over your lips. Touch your eyelids, forcing your eyes to close. I want it so bad that my hands are cramping. I go to the kitchen and take Ilya out of the high chair. The main thing is to keep your hands busy.

“You’re proud,” he said, seemingly even with sadness. - Idealist. Stupid.

“Leave now,” I asked. - Only…

- Only?

- I'll never return.

He stopped at the door and turned around. How handsome he is, my ex-man! And I would like to say that I regret everything that happened, but then I would be lying. If he had come, called me, taken my hand, I would have followed him even knowing that in a few years everything would end in a meaningless conversation in a cold apartment.

“I know,” he smiled softly.

And he left, the man from whom I gave birth to a son. I rushed to the window and looked at his back until he disappeared around the corner of the neighboring house. I thought distantly - now I might cry. Nobody will see. I’ll just hug Ilyushka and we’ll cry together. But... there were no tears. There was rage, but no tears. Such silent rage, helpless. When you need to do something, but you don’t know what.

Ilyushka pulled me by the collar of my shirt. Now my son is eight months old, the milk disappeared a couple of months ago, but the habit of reaching under clothes remains, and cannot be weaned off. I diluted the mixture. Ilyushka sucked with concentration, and I thought about what to do next. He is right. I'm too stupid. I can’t stay here, in this rented apartment, which has never managed to become my home, I didn’t even try. He will return here, and I... can’t stand another meeting. Need to leave.

“Let’s go to grandpa,” I said to the already sleeping child.

How much can I carry? A little. So I will take only what is necessary. Baby things, a favorite toy, a bottle, diapers, formula... There is a stack of money on the nightstand near the door. When did he manage to leave them? I'm an idealist, yes. I didn’t take them, but put my wedding ring next to them - to break the ends. But I took one of the photographs. Wedding... Proud, stupid...

Sleeping Ilyushka pulls his hands away. The backpack is heavy, despite the fact that I took only the essentials. I would like a stroller, but pushing a stroller through the melted March snow is a feat that is beyond my strength. My legs get stuck, it’s drizzling, I hug the child to me and finally cry, and the rain and the approaching darkness hide my tears. I think about dad. I know what he will say. "I told you so." And he will be right, he said. But... there is nowhere else to go.

I catch the last train. You will have to drive a couple of hours to the neighboring town, then stop at the station and take the first train from there. Ilyushka woke up more than once. There was no place to warm up the mixture on the commuter train; he didn’t want to drink a cold one, he choked and cried, and I cried too - from helplessness. And cowardly I thought about how good it would be to return. Pretend that nothing happened. That I believe in him again, I believe him. He would have laughed and hugged me to him, and I would have buried my face in the hole under my collarbone and taken a deep breath of his scent. And everything would be right. Only... it won't happen. Not in this life.

“You have a strong mother,” I smiled at my boy. - Everything will work out for you and me. I promise you.

He looked at me so seriously, as if he understood. A little man who depends on me. And I have to make sure that he feels good, and I don’t care that wolves howl in my soul.

“And then,” I continued. “When your dad comes for us, and he will come... we will say that we don’t need him.”

Ilyushka put his thumb in his mouth and fell asleep. I hugged him close and reached into my backpack with my free hand. I took out a photograph. I looked. Lord, how happy we were...we once were. There was a temptation to open the window slightly and throw the photo into the coming night, into the dark forest floating by, but I restrained myself. And then, already at the transfer station, the phone vibrated in my jacket pocket. I felt hot and cold at the same time. Yes, I'm proud. But if he at least promises... if he asks me to come back... But dad called, and my hands were shaking, I couldn’t even accept the call right away.

- Everything is fine? - he asked.

Dad felt when I was feeling bad. Otherwise, why would he call me at two in the morning?

“Okay,” I giggled nervously. - I'll arrive at six in the morning. Can you meet me?

- Is the child with you?

- With me.

Dad exhaled, did he really think that Yaroslav would deprive me of my son? What if... fear came out of nowhere like a sticky wave and crawled down my spine, I shook it off with an effort of will. No, he won’t... He loved me. Once upon a time.

- I will come.

I closed my eyes with relief. It doesn’t matter that I don’t want to return to my hometown as a beaten dog, a useless single mother. The important thing is that my boy will be fine there, I can raise him there. She hugged the heavy, warm child to herself. And, as if she repeated a mantra into her tiny ear, touching her silky curls with her cheek, we took off our hats at the station.

- Everything will be fine. You and I can do anything. And when he comes for us... we won’t go with him.

And she repeated it again and again. Not once. In months, in years. Ilyushka grew up. It just wasn't there. But I... I promised, and I am my son’s shield. Only... the mantra lost its meaning. Nobody came for us. And only seven years later, when everything changed, when I survived and got sick... I talked on the phone. She even laughed as she froze with the keys by the car and was in no hurry to leave. The door of the car next to me slammed, and I...

“Let’s go,” said a voice from behind.

I recognized him instantly. I forgot to hang up the call and stood there, not hearing what my interlocutor was saying. I forgot how to breathe and took an effortful breath of the stinging frosty air. I turned around with difficulty.

- Where? — I asked and my voice almost did not tremble.

“To school,” he smiled. - For our son.

Chapter 1. Yaroslav

First I went to her father. It was not difficult to find him; he had not yet retired, he still worked there. It is much more difficult to smoke him out of the kennel. I submitted an official request to visit the city and made several calls. He didn't want to see me, didn't want to talk to me. The only problem is that I can be a little stubborn.

A black tinted SUV pulled into the parking lot as I lit my tenth cigarette. I knew that he had been informed a long time ago that I was waiting here, I knew that this infuriated him, but my hands were short. He got out of the car, I looked at him with interest - we haven’t seen each other for several years. And only then did he go out to meet him. I didn’t shake hands, I just knew that the gesture wouldn’t be appreciated.

What to do if your ex-husband wants to get your relationship back?

The generally accepted position “you need to immediately forgive, he realized that I am a treasure” upon the return of the “prodigal husband” should be carefully weighed before opening your wounded soul to the touched “traitor”.

Be sure to read it! The Red Zone: an inside look at the order, regime and life in such a prison

It is necessary to find out his intentions; if the proposed motivation is completely sincere and coincides with personal interests, then why not forgive.

It won't hurt to use the following recommendations:

• analyze future relationships and determine acceptable limits within them, using “hidden” control;
• determine for yourself the degree of responsibility of yourself and your spouse in past events. If someone tried to get out of control, then these moments should be somehow recorded and avoided in every possible way in the future;
• a good result is obtained by analyzing the reasons for the divorce and a personal proposal to jointly resolve the previously pending disagreement.

It is necessary to mentally identify the victim of separation and lead the spouse to a conclusion about the high importance of the victim or victim.

What should a woman do?

Reuniting former spouses is a complex and painful process. If a man takes a step towards reconciliation, then the final decision remains with the woman. There is no need to rush and immediately accept the prodigal husband with open arms. Think about whether you need to step on this rake again?

When can you forgive and forget?

Situations when you can start a relationship with your ex-spouse from the beginning:

1. Rethinking. When the ex-husband rethought the marriage, his behavior and is now ready to start with a clean slate.
2. Love and respect. If a man and woman love and respect each other, and the breakup occurred under the pressure of circumstances, then reconciliation is quite logical.
3. There are no more barriers. If the marriage broke up due to an insurmountable obstacle (financial insolvency, relatives with their advice, illness, etc.), but now it is gone, then nothing else prevents a harmonious marriage.
4. Without a lover. The man left his wife for his mistress, but things didn’t work out for them, and now he wants to return to his wife. To forgive or not to forgive betrayal is the business of every woman.

When you can't forgive

Situations when it is absolutely impossible to get along with your ex-husband:

1. Harmful addiction. If your ex-husband suffered from alcohol, drug addiction or gambling addiction, do not think that he has reformed and taken the right path. This happens extremely rarely and it is not a fact that this is exactly the case.
2. Assault. A man who raises his hand against a woman will never reform. Even if he promises that it won't happen again, his vow will only last until the first serious quarrel.
3. Treason is in the blood. If your ex-husband “follows every skirt,” then the chance that he will change is minimal.

You cannot take your husband back if you yourself do not want it, unless after the divorce you took a deep breath for the first time in several years and do not want to part with this feeling.

My ex-husband won't leave me alone

Hello Alfia! Let's work through a letter: so, you are afraid of it, do not avoid this feeling now, meet it, feel it with your whole body and BREATHE, since freezing signals a stop, and then when you realize your FEAR and with whom it is associated and breathe at the same time, you experience your feeling of fear... Imagining him in front of you (your ex-husband), say out loud that you are afraid of him and experience feelings of wild fear when he........!!! Stay in this for as long as possible until you gradually begin to calm down, it is better to do this so that no one is at home and no one bothers you (paying attention to your body, so that you can sit comfortably and feel support from the wall of a chair or armchair, placing both legs on the floor ). After the feeling of fear, other feelings may appear, and most likely these are feelings of anger at the husband; take a pillow and beat it with all your might - with both hands and feet, not forgetting to breathe, while you can express what you have been holding back in thoughts, words, feelings, actions! Free yourself from what you have held and suppressed for a long time, because by stopping this process within yourself, you yourself have allowed and given the return force, in the person of your ex-husband, to return to you in a form and form that does not suit you ! And believe me - it works!!! If you find it difficult to cope on your own, contact us for a face-to-face consultation and we’ll work together! Next, separate your male-female relationship from your child-parent relationship! Regardless of the divorce, he will be a father to your child, but this does not mean that he can use physical force, regardless of whether you are his wife or not! Now for him you are the mother of a joint child - and nothing more!!! Become aware of your feeling of SHAME , because of which you are embarrassed in front of other people: neighbors, law enforcement agencies, etc. – hide his violence against you!!! Write to the police and demand protection! Contact other authorities where they can immediately provide you with real help: crisis center, etc. The main thing is not to hide, but to speak, shout, call for help, go where they can help you!!! And don't be ashamed of it!!! If you have feelings of GUILTY , then forgive yourself and the one who committed violence!!! Since, by forgiving, you are also saying goodbye to what he did to you!!! All this will not disappear immediately, but over time it will begin to dry out, not receiving your energy supply and decrease, until it stops completely! THERE WILL BE NO VICTIM - THE TYRAN AND PERSECUTOR WILL DISAPPEAR, THEN THERE WILL BE NO NEED - TO SAVE ANYONE!!! I would recommend that you, nevertheless, warn him, first report to the police, that if he raises his hand against you again, then you will do it, maybe he has enough sense, just never talk to him if he is not sober. The fact that your boundaries are merged, and he cannot accept the fact of divorce as a fait accompli, makes him even more angry, therefore, it is important for you to understand, as I wrote to you earlier, that you can maintain a relationship with him - ONLY AS THE PARENTS OF YOUR CHILD AND NO MORE. To do this, consult a lawyer. This is the work ahead of you. GOOD LUCK TO YOU. And all the best. Sincerely, Lyudmila K.

My ex-husband won't leave me alone (3 answers)
Good answer4 Bad answer1

Is it worth accepting an ex-partner who has returned from his mistress/lover?

This is a personal matter for everyone.
If you are initially focused on restoring the relationship and are ready to forget about this unpleasant situation and your grievances forever, you can try. But, as practice shows, not everyone is able to forgive an unfaithful soulmate, and the pain comes to the surface at the first conflict situation.

Therefore, before accepting an ex-spouse who cheated on you, be sure to weigh the pros and cons and evaluate your own strengths. If you are unable to forget everything you have experienced, it is better to spend time and energy on a relationship with a new person with whom you do not have common unpleasant memories.

How to treat the return of a spouse if you have minor children?

For a wife whose husband left the family with minor children without full moral and financial support, the return of her unfaithful husband in most cases is regarded as a return to the family of the father and breadwinner.

At the same time, most women are ready to push their own experiences into the background or completely forget about them. After all, no one wants to raise children on their own, without full financial support and the firm word of the father.

Children are still not a guarantee that a woman will be ready to make a truce and swallow her resentment.

Is it worth returning to your ex-husband/wife after a divorce: advice from a psychologist

Despite the habit, warm memories, comfortable life, compatibility of characters and temperaments, joint business, and even the presence of common minor children, psychologists do not recommend returning to ex-husbands and wives.

They justify their arguments by the presence of negative emotions experienced jointly by the couple. Once experienced, the pain of betrayal and the feeling of emptiness in the heart form powerful feelings of a negative nature, which firmly settle in the subconscious and do not allow the couple to move and develop further in terms of personal relationships.

The psychological trauma suffered will remind itself from time to time . And side effects and complications, as we know, can be even more dangerous than the disease itself! For this reason, couples who decide to reunite must visit a psychologist and undergo a course of consultations that will help get rid of excess “garbage” in their souls.

Even if your relationship is ideal at the moment, you should not dismiss the assistance of a specialist. By throwing away negative emotions and experiencing the situation to the end, you will be able to move forward without grievances against each other slowing down the development of your relationship.

Whether to accept back an unfaithful spouse who has filed for divorce or not is a personal matter for each of us. We are all individuals with different characters, temperaments and visions of the situation, so there can be no standard recommendations in this case.

But one thing is worth remembering! If a person is truly dear to you, and you cannot imagine a single day of your life without him, put aside other people’s opinions, the judgment of your neighbors and the fear of appearing weak and go towards your own happiness (even if it is wrong) without the slightest remorse!

How to behave if your ex wants to come back?

If you still love this man and have been waiting for him to return, in this case you need to accept his apology and get back together. Talk to him about your breakup and the conclusions you have drawn from past failures so that the relationship becomes stronger and more harmonious.

But if you are sure that you no longer need to have any communication with him, then do not make contact and try not to meet him anywhere. Move on with your life. In addition, you need to know that your ex wants to get back into the relationship for a number of reasons, which include:

• he feels guilty towards you;
• wants to ask for forgiveness in order to remain friends;
• wants to give the relationship another chance;
• just wants to know how you live, without changing anything;
• he wants to know if he can manipulate you again;
• There are only failures in his life, he needs money, so he wants to make peace.

If a man began to ignore him after

Relationships often develop according to the usual scenario. At first, the guy showed interest in his chosen one and conquered her. Gradually, the partners began to get used to each other, and conflicts began to arise between them.

When there are too many complaints against each other, one partner may begin not to notice the other. Sometimes a man openly and demonstratively ignores his chosen one. By doing this, he is trying to show indifference and provide an opportunity to think about his behavior.

If nothing is done, everything may end in separation. Before this happens, it is better to understand the situation. Realize that a man also has the right to express feelings. He may be offended by your actions or words.

Put yourself in your boyfriend's shoes and look at the situation through his eyes. Maybe you were somehow incorrect towards your loved one? Sometimes a guy just doesn't show that he's offended. Not everyone is ready to show weakness. It is much easier to show indifference by giving your partner the opportunity to think about her behavior.

Why does my husband show indifference?

If a man and woman are married, they also often begin to demonstrate indifference to each other. It is difficult to understand whether a man can simultaneously love and ignore what causes his coldness. Psychologists identify several reasons for this behavior on the part of the spouse:

1. Resentment towards wife. If your husband ignores you, think about whether there was any misconduct on your part that upset him. When there really is a reason to be offended, it is better to wait for time. The husband must figure out how to behave further. Perhaps he will decide that nothing bad happened and will begin to treat you the same again. When the emotions subside, you can calmly explain yourself and ask for forgiveness.
2. Punishment. By inattention, your husband may be intentionally punishing you for an action you have committed, or he may be showing coldness in response to similar behavior on your part. What to do if a husband ignores and does not want to communicate is not clear to every woman. You need to find out why your partner decided to punish you. Perhaps he simply couldn’t convey his thoughts to you in a different way. This is not the most correct method, because demonstrative indifference can make the situation even more confusing.
3. The desire to separate. Men rarely decide to end a relationship on their own. They try to provoke separation by behavior, not wanting to directly state their decision. Such behavior cannot be called worthy. But ignoring is one of the most gentle options for mental influence. There are harsher methods - demonstrative flirting with other girls, cheating and even beatings.

Not everyone can immediately understand how to behave if the man they love ignores you. Try talking. A worthy man will try to explain his position to a woman. And the one who avoids talking may not deserve attention himself.

Advice from psychologists

Advice from psychologists will help you make an informed decision – whether to get together or not to get along with your ex-husband:

1. Listen to yourself and listen to your husband. First of all, you need to understand what you yourself want, whether you love your spouse or no longer. And when you answer the question you asked yourself, you can carefully “interrogate” the man to check whether he really misses you, and not the homemade borscht.
2. Blame no one. You are already divorced, so blaming each other and remembering old grievances is pointless. Just draw conclusions, understand the mistakes you made, and don’t repeat them in the future.
3. Do something together. Try something you haven't done before with your spouse - go to a fancy restaurant, go skydiving, take a dance class. Then you will feel how comfortable you are with the new version of the “old” man.

History knows many couples who separated, and then got back together and lived happily. But whether to revive your relationship with your ex-spouse or not is up to you to decide.

How does a man feel after a breakup?

For women who are used to taking decisive action, it is difficult to understand why men often return after a breakup. Male psychology has certain characteristics. The guys who initiated the breakup are relieved.

Tired of endless scandals and misunderstandings, a person wants to be left alone. If there were no good reasons for the separation, the man may soon feel devastated and regret what happened.

As a rule, a man’s pride does not allow him to express emotions openly, which does not have the best effect on his nervous system. To suppress his mental suffering, a person can do the following:

1. He goes on a drinking binge. Often, after a breakup, men begin to abuse alcohol. This behavior can have negative consequences. But most often, after some time, the man is forgotten and returns to his previous life.
2. Immerses himself in his work. Parting with your beloved can provoke an attack of workaholism. In such a situation, a man devotes all his time to work and tries to avoid any communication with the female sex. Thanks to this, he distracts and increases his self-esteem.
3. He is interested in extreme sports. He learns to fly a hang glider, conquers mountains or takes part in fights without rules. Thus, he tries to avoid depression by releasing adrenaline.
4. Frequently changes sexual partners. By changing his ladies every night like gloves, he asserts himself and emphasizes his own importance.
5. Starts a new romance. Most men are not ready for a new serious relationship immediately after a breakup. But the care of a new lover helps to survive the separation.

Don't rush to accept your ex-boyfriend

In any case, the ex will make attempts to restore the relationship. They usually do this via SMS, calls or messages on social networks. If he calls or writes, try not to show your feelings, get offended or throw a tantrum. Since the decision was not easy for the beloved and it took him a lot of courage to contact you.

Therefore, be calm and try to communicate positively. Do not remember the past and mistakes of your loved one. You should have done this during the separation period. And if you rub his nose into his unsuccessful past again, you will only indicate to him that you do not believe in his sincere desire to make peace.

Sources

• https://prozakon.guru/semejnoe-pravo/razvod/psihologiya/muzh-hochet-vernutsya.html
• https://razvodis.ru/razvod/psixologiya-i-otocheniya/vozvrashhajutsja-li-muzhja-k-byvshim-zhenam.html
• https://razvodam.net/razvod/byvshiy-muzh-khochet-vernutsya.html
• https://zen.yandex.ru/media/destiny_ru/byvshii-muj-hochet-vernutsia-rukovodstvo-k-deistviiu-dlia-somnevaiusceisia-jeny-5c349f1741a41d00aa91c47e
• https://2love.pro/muzh-xochet-vernutsya/
• https://prozakon.guru/semejnoe-pravo/razvod/psihologiya/vozvrashhayutsya-li-suprugi.html
• https://jaay.ru/zhenskie-sekrety/byvshij-muzh-hochet-vernutsja-posle-razvoda-chto-delat
• https://zen.yandex.ru/media/blog_for_women/5-priznakov-chto-mujchina-hochet-vas-vernut-5db5e924c05c7100ad0ea7c5
• https://kakvernytmuzha.ru/vernetsya-li-lyubimyy-posle-rasstavaniya/

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Possible reasons

The ex-husband may not help the child if the baby causes him nothing but disappointments

There are certain factors that push the father to be unwilling to help the child and provide him with his support, both moral and material. We will look at the main, most common options.

1. Lack of paternal feelings, pride in the child. It is necessary to understand that maternal and paternal love are two different things. A woman loves her child not for anything specific, but simply for his existence; her love is born almost from the moment of conception. As for the man, feelings might not awaken in him, especially if the child did not live up to his hopes or, even worse, all the qualities hated by the father were collected in him. It is possible that even when the family was complete, dad was not very interested in the life of his son or daughter. After leaving his wife and child, a man simply feels relieved, he has no attachment to the child left behind, he is not interested in how he lives, he does not understand why spend his money on his maintenance.
2. The ex-husband is absolutely sure that the child is not his, or he is tormented by such doubts. A man can directly state this reason, saying that he does not know where his ex-wife took the child; the one with whom she slept should support her child. If this is your case, it’s not a fact that the man really thinks so. Some male representatives simply renounce responsibility, not wanting to waste their time communicating with their offspring or parting with money earned by “hard work.” They use this reason to cover up their true motives.
3. There may be a situation where a man experiences intense hatred and disdain for his ex-wife. And the common baby is very similar to the mother, in appearance or character. Also, the child may be a copy of one of the relatives on the mother’s side, and thereby evoke similar feelings that a man experiences for his ex-wife. It is not surprising that in this case he does not want to see or help his offspring.
4. A man is trying to start a new family. Perhaps his new woman is pregnant or they already have children together. In such a situation, he may not want to plunge into the problems of his former family or help financially when he needs to direct all his strength to those who are now with him. There may also be a situation where a dad’s new wife is against his communication with a child from a previous marriage.
5. The ex-husband has priorities in his career, accumulating his capital, and gaining status in society. The child has no such value for him. A man does not understand why invest in something that does not seem successful to him.
6. The ex-husband is convinced that caring for the child should fall on the shoulders of the woman, since this is the role of the mother. Especially if the father was against the birth of the baby, the child was unwanted for him. The situation will become even more aggravated if the marriage was “due to pregnancy.”
7. A man is afraid of responsibility, for example, he is an infantile person. He does not know how to take care of anyone, he behaves like a child, yearning for someone to take care of him.
8. A man may refuse to provide help in a situation where he does not want to contact his ex-wife, and this is practically unavoidable when communicating with a child. This situation becomes even more complicated if the woman already has a new partner, this is unpleasant for the ex. In addition, he can appeal with this, pointing out that now the new man of the ex-wife, and not he, must take care of and support the joint child.

This situation happened in my friend’s life. After the divorce, she was left alone with her two-year-old son and did not receive any help from her ex-husband. He had absolutely no interest in the child's life. His grandmother provided financial assistance. My friend tried to talk to her ex-husband, asking him to provide at least some minimal help. The man responded by saying that he was currently experiencing financial difficulties. When the woman married for the second time, her ex said that now the care of the child fell on the shoulders of her new husband, that when he married her, he took her along with the child, which means that now he must support him.

In addition, there may be cases when the real reason lies in the woman herself, and not in her ex-husband. And then it is she who needs to change her consciousness, her manner of behavior so that the man’s position also changes. For example, there may be a situation where the ex-wife constantly pointed out her independence and wealth, while belittling her husband’s dignity, saying that only she can cope with her child, knows what he needs and how to take care of him. Thus, she herself discouraged any desire of her husband to take any part in raising the baby.