How to stop being jealous and get rid of feelings of jealousy forever: advice from psychologists

Insecurity as a cause of jealousy
How to stop being jealous of your girlfriend?
How to finally stop being jealous?

What man is not jealous of his woman? It has long been ingrained in the minds of many people that jealousy is a sign of love. However, today psychologists prove that jealousy is absolutely not related to love, so every guy should stop being jealous of his girlfriend, which we’ll talk about on the website for men masculino.ru.

Jealousy destroys relationships. First, the guy destroys himself with the depressing thoughts that overwhelm him, and then he begins to destroy the relationship, because he often expresses words to the girl that she simply does not deserve. Jealousy is destructive because it makes a guy behave, talk and treat a girl as if she is already betraying him. There are no acts of love here. A guy cannot smile, be happy, be affectionate with his girlfriend while he thinks that she is cheating on him. Most likely, the guy torments the girl in every possible way with control, suspicion, claims, criticism, etc.

They say that there is “healthy” jealousy - when a guy does not harass a girl with his claims, but experiences anxiety within himself when he sees her in the company of other guys. If jealousy does not “eat” a guy from the inside and does not prompt him to harass his girlfriend in various ways, then she is “healthy”. After all, jealousy in the normal understanding of this word is a person’s desire to preserve his beloved partner and relationship with him, so he experiences unpleasant sensations when he sees a possible danger in the person of the interlocutor with whom his beloved partner communicates.

What is jealousy and why does it occur?

Jealousy is a natural feeling and reaction to the dissatisfaction of our needs, which has its own function - establishing and protecting the boundaries of relationships. Jealousy manifests itself in the form of feelings of mistrust and doubt about someone's loyalty and love.

Jealousy can arise for several reasons:

Diffidence

A jealous person is unconsciously not sure that if he loses his partner, he will be able to find someone else.

Here you can read: How to gain self-confidence

Projection of “infidelity” to a partner

A jealous person, if there is a partner, is interested in others and considers them as possible candidates for a relationship, but at the same time considers such manifestations abnormal and forbids himself to communicate with the object he likes. She attributes her suppressed attraction to others to her partner and is jealous of him.

Jealousy as a result of past deceptions and betrayals

This results in a distrustful attitude towards a new partner due to fear of making mistakes.

Problematic period in a relationship

In case of quarrels, misunderstandings and disagreements, feelings of loneliness and hurt self-esteem lead to thoughts of betrayal. Jealousy turns into an outlet into which you can place the causes of problems, making claims to your partner and blaming him.

Childhood traumatic experience

Morbid jealousy as a result of childhood psychological trauma in the form of repeated painful events or unexpected and drastic situations.

How to get rid of jealousy - advice from a psychologist for women

Jealousy is the most uncontrollable of all strong feelings. A. Murdoch in his work “The Sea, the Sea” characterizes it as follows: it is deeper than consciousness, takes away human rationality, poisoning his life with a constant presence, discoloring it, like a black veil before the eyes.

What is jealousy?

Jealousy is any psycho-emotional state accompanied by anxiety and uncertainty in the affection of a loved one: partner, parent, child, friend, etc.

In its normal form, jealousy is a complex, subjectively significant reaction of an individual to a situation that is difficult in its understanding - the betrayal of a partner. Pathological jealousy has no motive or basis; it is interpreted by clinical psychiatry as an illogical conviction of the infidelity of the other half, not confirmed by objective facts.

The mechanisms of occurrence of this phenomenon were studied in detail in the teachings of K. Jung, Z. Freud, E. Fromm, W. Frankl, A. Maslow.

It is necessary to differentiate jealousy from envy: in the second case, there are only two sides - the one who envies and the one who is envied. Jealousy presupposes a triadic relationship: No. 1 - the jealous one, No. 2 - the one who is jealous (the loved one) and No. 3 - the one (or those) who are jealous. Jealousy is aimed at a third party - an enemy claiming affection, etc.

Types of jealousy

There are many classifications of feelings of jealousy. According to one of them, there are 5 forms of this phenomenon:

obsessive fear of divorce;
depressed;
paranoid;
manic;
hypertrophied.

Mild manifestations of this disorder can be overcome by a confidential conversation with a partner; severe cases of the so-called Othello syndrome require professional intervention.

In view of the obvious differentiation of the sexes in the matter of psychology, researchers propose to distinguish between female and male jealousy:

Women need the attention and admiration of a partner much more than men. They envy and are jealous of their chosen ones towards other women if they seem to them more beautiful and interesting than themselves;
is determined by the desire to conquer and absolute power over the partner. By limiting a woman’s freedom, jealous people suppress all possible manifestations of attention from rivals: work colleagues, friends, casual admirers. Flashy clothes and makeup, delays at work, and the appearance of new friends of the opposite sex can provoke attacks of rage.

Depending on the source, jealousy can be divided into the following types:

Tyrannical jealousy is characteristic of despotic and petty people. For the most part, its carriers are men. If there is a suspicion of infidelity (usually groundless), the tyrant will make potentially impossible demands on his other half, for example: not to communicate with male people, stop wearing makeup or attend a sports section. Refusal to comply with bullying demands greatly increases the partner’s suspicion.
Converted jealousy is a projection of one’s own desires and thoughts about betrayal onto one’s partner. A person is convinced that since he himself is prone to infidelity, then everyone else is the same.
Complex people with low self-esteem suffer from a different type of jealousy. Any contact between a partner and a person of the opposite sex hurts the self-esteem of suspicious and anxious people and makes them worry about the integrity of the relationship. They easily find reasons for jealousy, seeing each person in contact with their partner as their competitor. Even minimal inattention to the needs of a suspicious jealous person (or jealous woman) is a reason to doubt the love and fidelity of the other half.
Instilled jealousy is a feeling instilled in a person by parents, friends, and media products (books, films, TV shows). Based on personal experiences of infidelity and betrayal, these sources conclude that “all men/women are the same and cannot be trusted.”

What does jealousy lead to and why you need to get rid of it

Jealousy can lead to various consequences. Ranging from a negative impact on mood to serious damage to health.

Consequences of jealousy

Strained and hostile relationships. Constant conflicts, reproaches and suspicions destroy harmony between partners.

Mental health disorder. Psychological pressure, being a strong stress, has a very negative impact on the health of a person’s psyche. It is quite possible to develop neuroses, increased anxiety, insomnia and increase the risk of developing depression.

Negative influence on children. If a couple has children, then jealousy can affect them as well. The accompanying scandals, swearing, or sharply changed attitudes of parents towards each other do not coincide with the children’s established ideas about parental relationships. The child is unable to understand why such changes have come and may begin to blame himself for it.

A person can decide to cheat. Tired of undeserved accusations, a partner can find solace in someone else, and subsequently actually commit treason.

A break up. Relationships that do not bring joy and pleasure to anyone, but only sheer negativity, are no longer regarded by people as worthy of being in their lives. Mutually or on the part of one person, a decision may be made to terminate the relationship.

Jealousy also has its positive sides, but if this feeling is constantly present in relationships and destroys them, then its positive meaning is not even worth talking about.

Jealousy can be compared to a cancerous tumor that affects the normal psyche, gradually poisoning the lives of both partners. Based on this, we can conclude that it is necessary to get rid of it.

Difference between male and female jealousy

Male and female jealousy have significant differences due to possible or actual adultery.

Considering the psychology of men, one can highlight such a feature that the portrait of a jealous man is often presented as a person who is suspicious, irritable and prone to outbursts of inexplicable anger. This feature is:

In male jealousy, the sexual principle dominates and anger predominates. She is more furious and powerful.
A man influenced by jealousy tends to blame others for what is happening.
Men are usually jealous out of fear of being worse than an unknown opponent.
When a man is jealous, he rather doubts his ability to be the best.
A man is driven by a sense of ownership towards a woman.
Men are more likely to be upset by physical betrayal than emotional betrayal.

Female jealousy also has its own characteristics. Analyzing the psychology of women, we can reveal that:

The girl doubts that she is the standard for her partner.
In female jealousy, fear predominates and there is often passivity and doom.
A jealous woman is more likely to blame herself for what happened.
Women regret more that their partner is in love and there was an emotional betrayal than a physical one.
During pregnancy, when girls feel that they are losing their attractiveness, jealousy increases extremely strongly.

And finally...3

Answering the question “how to stop being jealous of a man?”, you can draw a simple conclusion.

Trust in relationships, confidence in yourself and your partner, mutual respect - this is the key to a stable relationship without jealousy. To achieve this, a woman should not isolate herself on her partner and make him her only window to the world. No, she should become a full-fledged person with her own interests and hobbies. This way she will develop confidence in herself that the man she loves will value her and truly value the relationship.

But how to make a man jealous, you can find out in our article further on the link.

How to stop being jealous and screwing yourself up: step-by-step instructions

Admit your jealousy

Recognize that what you feel is jealousy and not other similar feelings. Acceptance is always the right step towards getting rid of negative states. Determine whether your jealousy is truly justified and whether it relates directly to your relationship, and is not caused by internal subjective feelings.

Analyze the emotions that arise in a fit of jealousy. You can try to write down your emotions when you next have a flash of jealousy and try to sort them out.

Understand the real reason for jealousy

Think about when this feeling first appeared and what could have caused it? This may be fear of loneliness and loss, doubts about one's own ideal, low self-esteem or lack of attention. Make a list of reasons that could make you jealous.

Try not to focus on fantasies

Don’t beat yourself up and invent something that doesn’t actually exist. You can only believe verified facts, and not the fruits of your imagination. When jealousy manifests itself, fantasies and thoughts about its possible causes and participants often arise in the head. This is very exhausting, because people often suffer not from the facts of betrayal, but from their own conjectures, which should be gotten rid of.

Don't give in to jealousy

If you constantly stress yourself out and dwell on negative feelings, they can intensify and make you feel worse. Jealousy can suck all the vitality out of you and make you think all the time only about where and with whom your partner is now. As a result, most of the time you will be immersed in thoughts about your personal life.

Raise your self-esteem

Low self-esteem is the most common cause of jealousy . It is necessary to change your attitude towards yourself, learn to appreciate and respect your own personality. You need to identify your weaknesses and strengths. It should be understood that a person is loved not for something specific, but for a unique combination of individual qualities.

If you need to change something in your personality or environment to improve your self-esteem, it will be worth it if it makes you feel better and respect yourself more.

You can also read: How a girl can love herself and increase her self-esteem

Have an open conversation with your partner

Most conflicts are resolved through dialogue . A simple conversation with your partner will be a decisive factor in getting rid of jealous feelings. It is also recommended to share with him your experiences regarding fidelity. Do not hide your suspicions, but at the same time, do not go to extremes. Talk about your concerns, let your partner listen to you and speak out himself if he wishes. Try to find solutions together.

There is no need to deliberately force your partner to be jealous, testing his feelings for strength. Such actions may make a person feel uncomfortable, and such behavior may provoke a negative attitude. After all, this demonstrates that you suspect and do not trust your partner. Stop putting moral pressure on him. Don't look for entertainment in quarrels.

Trust your partner

A person who has once been deceived is not always able to independently cope with the consequences of the psychological trauma he has suffered. Such conditions can arise as a result of childhood trauma and as a result of betrayal. Forget about past experiences and negative impressions .

Each person is unique in their own way and does not have to repeat the mistakes of previous people in your life. Don't look for reasons for jealousy where there are none. Excessive suspicion takes up a lot of time that could be spent usefully. Also, constant concentration on searching for non-existent evidence can lead to the development of a paranoid state.

Provide some freedom of action, personal space to your loved one and do not put pressure on him. It is impossible to control everything, and what’s more, it is not necessary. Especially other people, including those we love.

Show gratitude instead of jealousy

Thanking someone for choosing you can strengthen the relationship and show how much they mean to you. You are your partner’s choice, which means he really cares about you. Be sure that you are not indifferent and are of great importance in your partner’s life.

Find a source of positive emotions for yourself to balance your psycho-emotional state. When one partner spends most of his time outside the home, and the other does not know what to do with himself, destructive thoughts come into his head.

So that there is no time and emotional energy left for them, you need to take up your free time and get positive emotions. Such a source could be friends, work or favorite activities. In addition to the fact that you will notice a certain effect in the form of performance results, you will also be able to forget about the desire to control your loved one.

Keep yourself busy and take your mind off obsessive thoughts

Here you can devote part of your time to your hobby or spend time with friends or organize time together with your partner. When a person is actively engaged in something and with great interest, the flow of thoughts in the head stops and does not disturb. Take your mind off feelings of jealousy. There are enough interesting and worthy things in the world. Don't waste your life on unnecessary worries.

Psychotherapy

Don’t be afraid to trust specialists; they will be able to help you see the problem from different angles and make a decision. The best solution would be to visit a family psychologist and personal consultations. This gives a chance to get rid of jealousy and restore relationships.

Practice shows that consulting a specialist helps to cope with manifestations of jealousy and not transfer this problem from one relationship to another.

Jealousy quotient test.

1. Do you regret that you didn’t meet him/her earlier, then things could have been different?
2. Do you look at his/her gaze when a prominent person passes near you?

3. Do you often imagine him/her in bed with another person?

4. Is his/her social network account freely available to you?

5. Are you checking his/her phone?

6. Does the number of his/her exes directly affect your respect?

7. Do you often call to find out your location?

8. Have you ever had an ex who cheated on you?

9. At school, you studied almost perfectly in the first grades, but as you got older, your grades worsened?

10. Do you prefer that he/she not change much?

11. Do you think lying is the worst phenomenon in the life of mankind?

12. Do you feel resentment against peers from the past that still persists to this day?

13. In your childhood, did your mother often leave home for a long time, without explaining where?

14. Was your first love at an early age and turned out to be unpromising?

15. Do you prohibit him/her from meeting friends?

16. Would you take revenge on everyone who once offended you? Only honestly!?

17. Do you think that he/she should be under control?

18. Do you often spend leisure time together?

19. Do you stare at other members of the opposite sex?

20. Was there a moment in his/her past when he/she was dragged into bed through naivety?

Jealousy in different life situations: recommendations from a psychologist

Jealousy is not only inherent in close relationships between a man and a woman. Since this feeling arises from low self-esteem and lack of self-acceptance, it occurs in almost all types of social relationships. And the closer the relationship, the brighter the jealousy that arises.

Next, we will consider the most common types of relationships in which a person can experience jealous feelings. In addition, recommendations will be given for each specific case.

Jealousy of a husband's or wife's past partner

Although this is a special case of mistrust in the tandem of a man and a woman, it is worth paying special attention to. It is suspicions about connections with a former partner that often cause significant damage to the current union. What to do if such a feeling arises and haunts you?

The first thing you need to do is turn on your mind. Look at the situation sensibly and assess what is really happening. Often, jealousy of this kind arises groundlessly, based not on facts, but on a person’s attitudes and past experiences.

In other words, if a man or woman has had the experience of being intimate with an ex behind their back, he or she will unconsciously expect this to happen. Anxiety of this kind can be calmed by a rational view of things.

If jealousy persists even in the absence of actual reasons, we are talking about a serious problem with basic trust in the world. This is a deep psychological structure, the correction of which is highly desirable to carry out with a specialist.

During psychotherapy, a person will discover the roots that once upon a time undermined faith in people and the universe, and work through them. However, it is worth saying that this kind of psychotherapy will be useful for anyone for whom the feeling of jealousy is familiar and normal.

Ex-partner's jealousy

In contrast to the previous situation, there is another option. This is a case when the relationship no longer exists, but the person continues to be jealous of the ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend. This may include a situation where a man or woman actively monitors the personal life of a former partner on social networks. What does this mean and what to do in such a case?

Most often, jealousy of this kind occurs when feelings towards a person are not released. In other words, the breakup occurred on a factual level, but not on an emotional one. The partner is no longer around, but there is still attachment to him.

The logical solution in this case would be to work with unbroken attachment. Most often, this kind of incomplete gestalt occurs when the break occurred abruptly and simultaneously. The psyche does not have time to adapt to new conditions, remaining in the same state, and the painful experiences that arise are frozen. The right step would be to “unfreeze” these feelings, that is, to experience them and spill them out. Often it is the ability to cry and get angry at your ex-partner that significantly reduces the level of jealousy.

Read the article: Letting go of attachment to a person

In the event that jealousy remains acute and does not even allow you to think about building new close relationships, you can talk about the presence of codependency. Codependency is a kind of obsession with a specific person, which turns communication with him into a kind of drug.

Working with such problems is very similar in its mechanism to the correction of alcoholism or drug addiction. That is, the first step will be a complete cessation of “use”. Any possible distraction from thoughts about your ex-partner, switching attention and resources to other goals, blocking pages on social networks and much more can help. The fewer stimuli that remind you of the desired person, the less craving for him.

Also read: Codependency in relationships: how to get rid of it

Of course, correcting any addiction requires significant volitional efforts, which means turning to a psychologist or psychotherapist will definitely not be superfluous. By enlisting the support of a competent specialist, a person will be able to find specific methods and methods that are suitable for him to emotionally disconnect from his ex-partner.

Jealousy of a close friend or girlfriend

There is an opinion that friendship is a simpler and more carefree form of relationship. However, even in this case, jealousy may arise. Most often this happens when a friend becomes an object of excessive affection for a person. Typically, this mechanism occurs among lonely people who crave close relationships.

Such a person can literally “cling” emotionally to a friend, wanting an ever closer interaction with him. This results in not only a jealous attitude, but also other painful experiences, since a friend most often just wants easy communication.

A person faced with a similar problem should think about why he becomes so attached to just friendly relationships. As mentioned above, most often the root of such jealousy is loneliness. But finding the reasons for this loneliness is much more difficult, and it is better to do such work with a qualified specialist.

Now we recommend reading the article: How to get rid of loneliness

A separate point can be made of jealousy towards a friend with whom or with whom there was a romantic relationship before. In this case, you should regard jealousy as a feeling towards your ex-partner.

General recommendations

Jealousy is a pathologically painful feeling that requires psychological correction. In no case should it be regarded as a sign of the importance of the relationship for another person. A jealous attitude is a direct sign

low self-esteem,
lack of trust in partner
and high levels of anxiety.

If emerging jealousy seriously prevents a person from building trusting contacts with others, this is a good reason to consult a psychologist. Working with a specialist will help in a safe environment to isolate the roots of emerging feelings and correct them. After all, without trust there can be no intimacy, and jealousy is a direct antonym of confidence in a loved one.

Why is a man jealous?

When you love someone, you should not try to control the woman or try to possess her in any way. Unfortunately, men love to own women and demand submission. Why is a man jealous? This may be due to historical and social reasons. Nowadays, in the era of feminism, when women are liberated from submissiveness, many men find themselves confused when they do not have enough woman for themselves. The truth is, you cannot and should not control the person you love. Moreover, you cannot love and control at the same time. If you control someone, it shows that you have no love. If a man is very jealous, then there is no love here.

So why do men get jealous? There are many reasons for jealousy in men. For starters, men think that if a woman is free, she can refuse, cheat, or hurt them in other ways. This is why men try to control women. Thus, men deprive women of their freedom in order to remain safe. When a man controls a woman, he takes responsibility for everything that might happen. In other words, men are jealous because they consider women's freedom to be dangerous to them.

By controlling women, men have the opportunity to control everything themselves, using a woman for pleasure and comfort, while avoiding risks. Men become possessive out of fear that they might lose a woman. However, paradoxically it proves that they care about women and love them. Denying women's freedom shows that jealous men are selfish and actually love themselves, not their women.

True love is voluntary. If a woman wants to be with another man, then there is no love. So why try to keep a woman on your side if she doesn't love you? If she really loves you, there is no reason to be jealous. However, jealousy often appears without any specific reason.

Jealousy is the opposite of love. How does a man get jealous? With men who behave badly, jealousy is to blame. Jealousy destroys mutual understanding. Because men think they are better equipped to know what is best for women. Logically speaking, jealous men love themselves through their women. This is why jealousy is unethical. Jealous men use women as a means to achieve their goals. To be ethical, you need to allow the other person to decide for themselves. How can you love and be jealous at the same time? This is impossible because loving a woman means allowing her to act as she wants. Any other behavior imposed on men by women makes love insincere. And insincere love is not love.

According to recent statistics, more than 65% of men reported that they have been jealous at some point in their lives. One might wonder if all people are predisposed to jealousy. A historical reference to the patriarchal age may help explain why most men may feel jealous. The patriarchal age is one of the causes of jealousy in men. The will of men to possess and exploit women by possessing their freedom can be explained historically.

Although some men may be naturally jealous, they have no control over it. You can't just make a decision and start being jealous. It's more like a disease that ignores the desires of men. In other words, people are not jealous on purpose. However, pathological jealousy in men must be confronted and challenged. Jealousy is a feeling of unsatisfied desire. In fact, this desire cannot be fulfilled without violating ethics. You need to fight jealousy, fight it and come to terms with the way things are.

In general, jealousy often accompanies love. When you love someone, it's hard to see someone else getting what you can't have. It is an irritating, depressive, traumatic and stressful condition. Jealousy is the way your mind deals with such a situation. In other words, you are as sad as anyone who didn't get what they wanted would be.