Jealousy of your wife's past - how to get rid of it, advice from a psychologist

It is difficult to meet a person who, in adulthood, has not had relationship experience behind him, both positive and negative. Some men have a hard time accepting the fact that their wife lived with or was dating someone else. Because of this, uncertainty arises, a feeling of doubt, and jealousy of the wife’s past.

A man, as a wiser participant in a relationship, must accept his partner's past. In real life, everything happens the other way around: a person begins to panic, get nervous, make claims, thereby spoiling relationships, killing feelings, harming not only his beloved, but also himself.

Almost every representative of the fairer sex has encountered a situation where a gentleman demonstrates devotion, seems sweet, caring, and after some time turns life together into a real hell.

This may manifest itself as follows:

Criticism of friends . Often a man considers his partner’s close acquaintances to be insufficiently decent, flirting with everyone, and prohibits meeting together.
Constant control . This is expressed in hysterics if the phone is turned off or no one picks up, and demands for reports for every step.
Scandals due to the attention of other men . A woman is forced to dress more modestly, listen to complaints that someone looked at her, left a compliment on social networks, or tried to get to know her.

Do you know why we are jealous? Read the article covering the causes of jealousy. Jealousy as a mental illness: read about the features of delusions of jealousy here.

Causes of jealousy

To find effective ways to get rid of jealousy towards your wife’s past, you need to recognize the problem, understand it, and then determine the reasons. Psychology emphasizes what awakens this negative feeling in a man - imagination. It paints disturbing pictures that someone before him possessed his woman.

Also common reasons include:

lack of self-confidence - self-criticism, low self-esteem give rise to thoughts in your head that you are not good enough for your spouse;
lack of confidence in her - if your wife had many partners before you, you may consider her frivolous, amorous, fickle;
inexperience in intimacy - complexes, shame, reluctance to loosen up in bed, accompanied by thoughts that the woman is not satisfied and will look for pleasure on the side;
misunderstandings - against the backdrop of work, everyday life, and family worries, partners do not pay due attention to each other, hence suspicions and doubts arise;
unstable relationships - against the backdrop of frequent quarrels, scandals, pauses in relationships, partners cannot trust each other 100%;
thoughts about your own betrayal - often people prone to infidelity blame their significant other for this;
cultural traditions - it has long been normal for a woman to marry innocent, hence the hostility just from the thought that she was with another guy before you.

Jealousy of wife's past

Hello, Evgeniy.

From your letter it is clear that you have a wonderful, trusting relationship with your second wife. It's great that you found your happiness. In general, second marriages for men and women are more stable and harmonious. You have already gained life experience so as not to annoy each other over trifles. How lucky you are that you found your happiness before the age of 30 and are not running around in search of an ideal, wasting your best years on pipe dreams, as some of your friends do.

I don’t understand from your letter whether you have children or not, but if you do, I’m sure they will have a happy childhood, and in the future there are many chances for a happy life. Because a happy childhood consists of 90% of the atmosphere of trust, friendliness and love that parents have. Because, as eminent psychoanalysts say, and I completely agree with them, a happy person is one who had a happy childhood. It is clear that this depends primarily on the mutual understanding, respect and love of parents for each other, and accordingly there is a lot of love for children.

Let's now talk about your problems from a professional's point of view.

There are many reasons for jealousy, and jealousy has varying degrees and severity. I won’t go into depth, but my student wrote a psychoanalytic paper on jealousy and we found 12 - only the main cases!!! And add here individual variability - you get at least one hundred and twenty typical cases. I will not describe all the options, we will consider only the one that suits you.

Your case, in my opinion, is quite simple. This is a type of jealousy when there is love and fear of losing it .

What does it mean?

What is the main conflict here? The fact is that the more you love her, the more you understand how painful it will be if she leaves or chooses someone else. And if your Natasha didn’t have men before you, then most likely her fantasies would be about those who might be. But again, fantasies are produced that are conditioned precisely by the fear of losing a beloved object.

What does this look like in practice?

The more feelings I have for her, the more I feel dependent and vulnerable to her presence or non-presence. And our psyche has a wonderful ability - it is called “psychological defense mechanisms.” So, even if there is a potential danger of traumatization, the psyche tries to compensate for it. For example, the more I love, the more I need. Yeah, the psyche thinks (and the brain models possible futures 98% of the time - this is a fact), it means that if she leaves, it will hurt me. So, the brain thinks, we need to prepare the man for this unpleasant event. And fantasies begin, images of when she was and with whom she was, how it was, and how it could have been. In short, we wanted the best - it turned out as always.

Is the idea clear? If everything is clear, we move on; if not, re-read, understand and move on.

What is the problem?

The main problem with unconscious fantasies is that they are uncontrollable. Attempts to do something on your own end in failure. After all, the level of suffering does not subside, and it seems that nothing can be done. Well, it’s about the same if a carriage with sand gets in your way, and you are trying to push it. You try and try, nothing works. You give up and tell yourself – I’m nothing, I can’t do anything. I’m exaggerating, of course, but there is a handful of truth in this.

But if you bring a locomotive to the carriage, the problem is solved very quickly. Or try not to push, but to go around, or even go in the other direction. Each time you need to look for a new original answer.

The fact is that you may have encountered your problem for the first time, or the second time, it doesn’t matter - and you’re simply spending a lot of energy trying to somehow solve it. And I have faced this kind of problems more than once, not twice, and even hundreds in a row. Therefore, I can find a quick, effective solution. And also tailor it to your individuality, so that the solution fits like a key to a lock.

Now I’ll tell you what can happen if you don’t treat it.

I will tell you as a specialist in unraveling all kinds of psychological conflicts and look at mental phenomena systematically. Well, for example, how can a mechanic look at a car and say: “Your engine is knocking on the highway. And the repairs will cost you a pretty penny, plus there’s also time for a tow truck and hassle.” Why? You may ask: Why? The mechanic will answer: “Because your front seal is leaking, and at speed the oil will leak out and the engine will knock. Replacing the oil seal costs 300 rubles and I can do it right now, in a couple of hours. And engine repairs will cost 30,000, plus a tow truck. Plus it's somewhere off the beaten path. Plus a week of major repairs.” That's about it. This is an example of a systemic view of a specialist who has already encountered similar problems.

In principle, the easiest thing that happens with this kind of jealousy is that it ruins life when she is not around. And it is unknown where she is. Or maybe she’s with someone else? What if he’s already floundering in bed?! And away we go - all sorts of thoughts, images, fantasies, anger, anxiety. Then when she comes, everything seems to settle down, it’s clear - she’s with me and everything is fine. And so time after time. And attempts at self-soothing don’t help, and the fact that we’ve been together for three years and everything is fine. The more you love, the more you find out how great she is, the greater the anxiety and fear of losing. This is such an insidious thing: slight jealousy.

What happens next?

I hope that everything is much simpler for you, and that you are suffering inside and quickly calm down. And then everything is fine and smooth. But this is not the case for everyone.

Let’s say a woman works, and of course there are corporate parties, just delays at work, God forbid, business trips! What does the husband do? He tries not to let her in. Not because he is against her career in principle, but because he is afraid that the negative emotions of jealousy will demoralize him. And women, in principle, agree with their husband’s arguments that they do not need to grow professionally, and what does this lead to? Does her boss look at her as a disloyal employee because family is more important to her than work? He's jealous too. Okay - I laugh. In fact, the employer regards this behavior as a lack of professional zeal. But the fact is that if a woman is offered business trips, promotions, or advanced training, and she refuses over and over again, it means that she cannot be counted on as a loyal, ambitious employee. And so she is silently not offered a promotion because she is not free, and she sits and thinks - why the hell do I need this vaunted family life if I have to sacrifice my career? She comes home, not understanding why she is irritated, and lashes out at her husband or child. In general, the usual normal scenario like: “Because there was no nail in the forge.”

And if you live together, tension can gradually accumulate, which can develop into family scandals and even lead to divorce. Because of such nonsense: I love her and am afraid of losing her . It’s because of such a small frontal oil seal, which takes a couple of hours to replace.

But, further - more:

Further, these unresolved internal conflicts lead to constant systemic tension. How does this happen?

But then a child appears. And God, what happens to men, they begin to be jealous of the child. They try to leave, slamming doors loudly. Either they go into computer games, or they go and drink. Again, not understanding that their internal contradiction is not resolved, and therefore it is very painful for them when She does not pay attention to them, they kiss His Rival in front of our eyes. Funny? But I do not. This is such a common scenario and it “dissolves on its own” for so long that many couples cannot survive this tension and break up when the child is not yet a year old. It's horrible!

Or another option.

The spouses somehow restrain themselves, outwardly everything seems normal, but the tension breaks through, and do you know how this affects the children? I have seen so many times that a child’s nocturnal enuresis is an expression of parental conflict. Or childhood fears. Or inappropriate behavior. And so the child is given a label - “he’s somehow different” and, damn it, he then lives his whole life with the feeling that his parents loved him, of course, and loved each other, but I was born such a freak or freak!!!

I am sincerely sorry that many problems in life grow out of small conflicts. And then it takes hundreds of hours to solve the consequences, and still, even with the most remarkable results, you still have the feeling, why didn’t you come earlier? Well, if you came earlier, within 3-10 sessions you can prevent this avalanche from breaking out and creating a bunch of side problems.

I repeat: I consider you a loving husband, an intelligent man who sincerely does not understand what is happening to him and is trying to protect his beloved wife from this suffering. But it is in vain, and he still suffers. Perhaps this is not about you - check. I know you only in absentia, from very fragmentary information.

If you get rid of your problem, do you know what the result will be?

You will not think about “stupid jealousy”, but calmly focus on truly Important issues. For example: How to make more money? How can you bring more love to your loved ones? How can I move my business? That is, getting rid of psychological problems always has a by-product - increased creative potential.

It's like a tooth. If you do not treat small caries, then over time the tooth will hurt not only when it is cold or hot, but in general – It will hurt severely, and then it will have to be pulled out. For what? Any dentist will tell you that it is better to preserve your teeth, even with small fillings. Better yet, brush your teeth regularly. Prevention is the best treatment.

A man’s professional success means 80% successful family life.

If we have a strong rear, we boldly move forward.

What to do?

1) Write a letter . You can write to my email

And ask for a Skype consultation.

2) The first Skype consultation costs $10 and lasts 30 minutes.

Goal: diagnose the problem live.

Result: it is clear what to do next, what goals to set, so that the result is quick and effective.

I can also send materials about jealousy, I have about 30 megagrams of them.

3) Agreement.

We can agree on the terms of Skype consultation.

Approximate time schedule for solving your problem.

1-3 sessions are needed for differentiated diagnosis. You need to understand for sure that the point is exactly what you wrote, and whether there are any hidden skeletons in the closet.

4) Therapy.

Without seeing you, I don’t know how long this stage can last,

but for approximately 90% of people with similar problems, from 3 to 20 sessions are enough. I can tell you the exact amount after the first Skype consultation. With expected results and working methods.

More,

Dmitreeva N.V. works in Novosibirsk on problems of jealousy.

You can look for meetings with her if you want a “live” therapist.

Sincerely, Marchenko Viktor Vladimirovich.

Jealousy of wife's past (1 answer)
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Is this normal and what are the consequences of such jealousy?

The saying “He is jealous means he loves” is actually wrong. Constant suspicions only provoke betrayal. A violent feeling of jealousy requires self-control and suppression, otherwise it will lead to irreparable consequences. For example:

quarrels, scandals - destructive behavior leads to misunderstandings, quarrels, deterioration of the microclimate in family relationships;
mutual reproaches - constant accusations towards the spouse will provoke a defensive reaction, expressed in retaliatory attacks;
loss of respect - demonstrating self-doubt and low self-esteem will sooner or later lead to your wife no longer respecting you;
betrayal - constant suspicions of betrayal can push her, if not to betrayal, then to thoughts about it;
breakup of a marriage - a growing feeling and complete distrust will lead to the fact that the relationship will be put on pause or completely destroyed.

Are you jealous of your spouse and her old friends?
Not really

How not to be jealous of your wife's intimate past

If you somehow found out about your wife’s turbulent past, because of which feelings of jealousy began to rapidly grow inside, it is important to promptly recognize the problem and find ways to get rid of it. Frank conversations with a woman, maximum openness, readiness to work on oneself are the keys to success.

There are several simple ways to stop being jealous of your wife about the past:

Awareness of reality, a sober look at things. You probably also had relationships with other women before marriage. But this does not mean that you are a cheater. Apply the same principle to your chosen one.
No talking about the past. Psychologists strongly advise against telling your current chosen one about your previous love affairs and asking her about it. They will not lead to anything good, only to mental pain and doubts.
Recognizing the problem, learning to control. Suppressing the attacks will not be easy at first, but over time you will find it much easier to be distracted by other positive thoughts.
Respect for your partner. If this is not the case, no connection will stand the test. There is no need to think badly of your spouse, considering her a dishonest person. Show respect for her, her choice, because no one is forcing her to live with you by force.
No judgment. No matter what happened in her past life, no one has the right to blame her for affairs, misdeeds, and frequent changes of partners, not even her current husband. This is someone else's personal life, and, as you know, ideal people do not exist.

How to get rid of male suspiciousness ↑

This refers to ways to both overcome jealousy towards former partners, as well as objects from the past, gifts, as well as past lifestyle.

Regarding former partners

It is worth showing prudence and not causing a scandal. There is no need to force you to forget your ex-companion. Time heals and previous events will be remembered less often.
Do not ask about past relationships and what happened in them, as this can open old wounds and harm the marriage. If the wife herself begins to talk, then calmly say that this is an uninteresting topic and move the conversation.

Items, gifts from the past

Do not force your loved one to throw away donated items . A gift can be useful for her and if her husband doesn’t like it, she doesn’t have to throw it away or give it to someone else. You need to respect your partner's personal space.
Talk to your beloved . Calmly, without hysterics, explain that the wife’s keeping of donated items causes unpleasant emotions and ask them to remove them and not wear them.

Lifestyle before marriage

Work on yourself . A great way to overcome the unpleasant feeling of jealousy is to put your own thoughts and feelings in order. You need to understand that if a woman did something in the past, it will not necessarily happen in her new life.
Give new sensations . There is no need to go there and relax the way the wife did with her previous partner. On the contrary, you should give her new emotions and impressions, open up a different world. This will allow her to forget the past and plunge into a new reality.

Is your spouse jealous of every post? Read all about pathological jealousy. Children's jealousy as a means of struggle for attention. Read about the signs and characteristics of a child’s jealousy here.

What to do if a guy is very jealous for no reason? Read on.

Advice from psychologists

Advice from a psychologist will tell you how to suppress jealousy of your wife’s past. Any experienced specialist will prescribe you 3 recipes for saving your marriage in such a situation:

Get rid of bad thoughts from your head . Just forbid yourself to think about who your wife was with before you. She is with you here and now, focus on this. Quell your anxiety with good memories of your relationship.
Work on your self-esteem . In order not to be afraid that your spouse will prefer another man, value yourself. Set goals, achieve them, work on yourself. Nothing encourages you more than overcoming obstacles and learning new skills.
Stop judging and evaluating. Has your wife previously shown frivolity in choosing men? Did you change your sympathies? You cannot evaluate other people's actions from the point of view of your own morality. Everyone commits misdeeds; this is not a reason to give up on a person.

Expert opinion

Elena Druzhnikova

Sexologist. Family relations expert. Family psychologist.

As a rule, spinning unfounded thoughts poisons life. In order not to give yourself a reason to doubt anything, you can talk frankly, ask questions, ask about what worries you. Trusting and open relationships will prevent any misunderstandings and crises.