“A poison that corrupts the soul and destroys the body” - this is what the ancient Greeks said about jealousy. Modern mental health experts fully agree with them.
In general, jealousy is a natural feeling. We tend to protect what is ours, to be afraid of losing what is dear or on which we depend.
But, like fire, this feeling can easily become destructive. If, feeling a pang of jealousy, a person succumbs to it and gives free rein to his imagination, it flares up and mistrust grows. Jealousy that gets out of control begins to rock the personality and can lead to degradation. What else is dangerous about this poisonous feeling and how to get rid of it will be discussed further.
Jealousy is a feeling that destroys the human psyche
You can be jealous of anyone, of anything, at any age. A child is jealous of his parents for his younger brother or sister, a teenage girl is jealous of her best friend for her classmates, but childhood jealousy is a completely normal phenomenon that disappears when receiving attention from parents or friends and finally disappears with age. No adequate adult would forbid a mother to communicate with a neighbor or a friend with colleagues, but a jealous person in love never has enough attention.
Every time he demands it more and more in unlimited quantities. Adult jealousy is caused by a state of complete integration into another person, when the slightest switch to another object causes violent protest and wounded pride. Therefore, we can say with confidence that the roots of jealousy also lie in pride.
This chronic tendency to jealousy is called jealousy and is compared with illness. A chronic jealous person is not happy with himself, but he is unable to overcome his emotions, which stem from claims to complete and exclusive “ownership” of the object of his adoration. These claims constantly appear, and although there are often no real reasons for them, the jealous person lives in constant fear of loss. It constantly seems to him that someone else is taking away the love of the most important person from him, and he is unable to endure such experiences; he is in a constant state of stress, anger, anger and resentment, which push him to inappropriate and unreasonable actions.
According to statistics, almost half of the world's population is susceptible to feelings of jealousy to one degree or another, and 27% of men and 23% of women suffer from it in an exaggerated form.
Such emotional people live on average 10-12 years less than those who do not expose themselves to such strong emotions. After family scandals over money, jealousy comes in second place, and very often both of them end in the destruction of the family, and children suffer the most from this. Therefore, jealousy - the monster with green eyes, as it is often called - must and can be fought.
Jealous does not mean he loves
There is a common stereotype - being jealous means loving. And many women begin to doubt their partner's feelings if there is no jealousy in the relationship. In fact, this opinion is as true as “hitting means loving.” There is nothing good in the feeling of jealousy, and it has nothing to do with love. In fact, love is a free feeling when you want to make another person feel good.
Love gives everything and asks nothing in return. Such a bright, positive feeling can have nothing to do with jealousy and violence. The myth “being jealous and hitting means loving” was invented by people seeking to occupy a special position by humiliating loved ones. A jealous person has two ways to achieve the favor of the object of his adoration and make it so that he does not want to look the other way: endlessly demand that he, like a faithful dog, be at his feet all the time, or make an effort by changing and winning over his soul mate. “Inveterate” jealous people most often choose the first, thereby destroying their marriage.
A jealous person is a person who is not confident in himself. He is driven by the fear of loss and the resulting loneliness. It is the fear of inevitable loneliness, and not love, that forces him to keep his partner near him by any means and often waste his life in a relationship with a person who, in the grand scheme of things, does not need him.
Unlike a woman, a man can be jealous of his spouse even towards their common children, believing that she pays much more attention to them than to him. Male jealousy manifests itself in an acute desire to dominate his woman as much as possible and completely limit her freedom. A jealous person does everything to prevent his companion from putting on makeup, dressing beautifully, or meeting with friends.
The ideal option for him would be for the woman to have no friends at all. The roots of female jealousy in most cases grow from low self-esteem. A jealous woman needs constant confirmation from her partner of her importance and attractiveness to him. She requires constant confirmation from him that she is much more beautiful and interesting than the rest of the women around him.
Let's try to more accurately formulate the main reasons that make people jealous of each other:
- Fear of losing your property. Egoism gives rise to possessive feelings and an overly violent fantasy, which the jealous person plays out most often without any reason or reason.
- Fear of loneliness and social instability. It seems to jealous people that they cannot exist normally (morally or financially) without their partner.
- Low self-esteem. The reasons for jealousy often lie in insecurity about one's appearance and charm.
- Children's complexes. Many jealous people build their relationships following the example of their parents, where the father or mother was constantly jealous of each other.
Health effects
Man is a unitary being. Everything that happens in the psyche is reflected in the body at different levels. When caught in a whirlpool of jealousy and mistrust, everything that happens during stress :
- changes in hormonal levels (release of stress hormones);
- the occurrence of muscle tension, internal tension;
- inadequate stimulation and depression of the nervous system, depleting strength.
Excessive jealousy dramatically disrupts normal life processes and causes:
- insomnia;
- headache;
- anxiety attacks;
- decreased immunity;
- digestive disorders.
Some jealous women have an increased appetite. By eating negative feelings, they gain weight, increasing self-doubt. Others, on the contrary, become anorexic. How to stop stress eating , read here.
The consequences of decreased immunity are varied. Usually the appearance deteriorates, early wrinkles, acne appear, and diseases occur.
How to get rid of jealousy forever
Jealousy is akin to a disease, and getting rid of this feeling on your own is quite difficult, because in order to learn how to manage it, you must first of all adequately understand the reasons for its occurrence and understand the futility of this relationship that leads feelings into the abyss. Therefore, as with any treatment, the best solution is to seek help from a specialist. If this is not possible, you can try using the following several-step technique:
- First of all, you will have to realize that you are obsessed with jealousy, and honestly tell yourself about it. This awareness is especially difficult for men.
- Then you need to understand the reasons that cause jealousy in your particular case. Having identified them, try without accusations, calmly, and as gently as possible, talk with your significant other about the experiences you are experiencing.
- You need to be aware that your jealousy concerns may be wrong, and be willing to listen to and accept your partner's point of view. If mistrust still remains, check your doubts. Most likely you will find out that you were wrong.
When you finally decide to overcome jealousy in yourself, take a few days to compile a written list of situations that could provoke you into an outburst of jealousy. Think through all the options in detail and slowly. Place them in order of increasing emotional intensity - from least to most unpleasant for you. Compiling such a list may take several days. Don't be lazy. Think it over carefully.
After the list has been compiled, the most important and difficult thing remains to be done: turn on pleasant relaxing music, get comfortable, and mentally experience these situations one by one, imagining them in as much detail as possible. Do not move on to the next situation until you experience the full range of unpleasant sensations. There is no need to go through the entire list in one day, as this will not be beneficial. Gradually, this technique will help get rid of feelings of jealousy towards your partner.
No matter how strong and all-consuming jealousy is, you can always cope with it, the main thing is to sincerely want it. Any of us is able to wonder how to get rid of jealousy, and, having understood ourselves, take control of our feelings. you must love yourself and believe that you are good in yourself and worthy of love. When you truly understand that those around you value who you are, without any conditions, you will be able to accept yourself and become confident in your own abilities. You will no longer have to try to earn love by pretending to be someone else, and you will no longer have the exhausting need to constantly keep your partner close to you.
Eliminate your fears
Naturally, we don’t want to think about what we are afraid of. For example: “What if I lose my job? I don’t even want to think about it!” As strange as it may sound, our fears have power over us precisely because we do not want to think about what will happen when the fear comes true.
Of course, you will not agree with me and object: “No matter how it is! I constantly think about what I'm afraid of. I imagine how bad it will be for me when my loved one leaves me, and what terrible feelings I will experience.”
But you don't think about what happens next. You only think about negative emotions when your fear occurs. Try to mentally move beyond this limit, even if you yourself do not want to think about the future.
Think: “What will happen a year after we break up? What will happen in five years? The first few months must be tough for me. But then I’ll start to come to my senses a little. After some time, I will have a new relationship, maybe it will be even better than this one.”
(This is by no means the best scenario! Perhaps your relationship will survive even after betrayal! I will talk about this in the last paragraph of this article.)
Not as scary as you thought at the beginning, right? Be realistic! Try to scroll through these pictures in your mind. Think about how you will get out of this situation, how you will move on with your life, and not about how bad you will feel when your fear comes true!
I believe that if you try to analyze your other fears in this way, you will understand that they are also empty. Behind almost every fear you have is an emptiness. The limit against which human fear rests is nothing. There is no need to be afraid of this “nothing”. (I will talk about this in more detail in my next articles.)
You shouldn't get too attached to what you have. At the moment, you may feel that your relationship with this person is the most important thing in your life. But this is partly an illusion and deception. It is difficult for people to think in terms of their entire life and they sometimes greatly overestimate the role of what they have now.
This idea may not be entirely intuitive. You ask me: “how is it not worth getting too attached to something? I am attached to what I love: my children, my family, my work, my purpose. This forms the basis of my existence! Are you suggesting that I become indifferent to the things that I love?”
No, I only suggest that you stop experiencing painful attachment, which brings nothing but suffering and fear.
If you love your husband very much, but constantly live in fear that your relationship may end, are you happy? Do you get satisfaction from such relationships? Don't think. The fear of losing this relationship in the future makes you unhappy. But the fact that you have them in the present does not make you happy, because you are constantly afraid and only think about the future!
Strong attachments give rise to fear of loss. And fear of loss prevents you from enjoying the present moment.
Not feeling strong affection does not mean not loving. Not experiencing strong attachment means being more relaxed about the fact that nothing lasts forever, being realistic. Be prepared for anything. And be able to enjoy what you have now.
Some advice for former jealous people
By understanding yourself and working on your feelings, you can take your relationship to a new level, free from uncontrollable jealousy. To prevent this self-destructive feeling from getting the better of you again, adopt a few simple rules:
- constantly develop and strengthen confidence in your self-sufficiency;
- build relationships with your partner on mutual trust;
- spend a lot of time together, but do not impose yourself too much and give each other freedom within reasonable limits;
- find an interesting activity or hobby for yourself that will take the place of jealousy in your free time and thoughts;
- love yourself for who you are;
- treat jealousy only as one of many human emotions, do not put it at the head of your relationship;
- do not give free rein to hysterics against your loved one - aggression will not help to keep him, it only scares and pushes him away;
- be sincere, tell your partner about your fears and ask him not to provoke you,
- Treat your significant other’s feelings with respect.
Getting rid of jealousy will require great mental strength and take a lot of time. Be patient. Jealousy, like any other passion, must be kept in check. The question of how to get rid of it forever needs to be approached logically. Mistrust did not make any family happy. You should never compare yourself to others. There are more than 6 billion people on Earth, and there will always be someone smarter and more beautiful than us, but this does not mean that your soulmate dreams of replacing you with someone else. After all, she has already made her choice in your favor and is next to you. This means that she needs you and you have something that others don’t have. The main thing to maintain a relationship is to learn from your past mistakes, become wiser and be able to compromise.
