What is female jealousy - psychology. About the female feeling of jealousy.

When clients come to me with a problem of jealousy, I see the same picture. Apparently, jealousy in general proceeds in a similar pattern for everyone. It rests on two supports. The first - the main one - is the thirst for possession. The second is the fear of being deceived by a fool. A third, less common one, can be identified: to have the right to judge and punish the “guilty” partner. This mixture of fear, anger and condemnation is called jealousy. And sometimes, sadly, with love.

They say that he is jealous, which means he loves. Do you think so too? If you believe that your partner loves because he is jealous, it’s time to think - what exactly do you call love? Dependency and control? Or maybe aggression and fear? Good "love"! And then people are surprised: “Why does he love me so much... “Loves”…”

Through the eyes of statistics ↑

Research and numerous surveys conducted among several hundred thousand women have given disappointing forecasts: female jealousy is at the top of the list of family conflicts, ahead of such seemingly obvious “favorites” as unsettled life, material well-being and sexual incompatibility.

As for the reasons why lovers, both with and without experience, separate, the numbers are staggering - if we exclude the item “jealousy” from the general list, then there would be no compelling reasons for ending the relationship or dissolving the marriage. three pairs out of four!

Thus, we can conclude that 75% of families and couples break up due to jealousy!

By the way, it was noticed that those women who are officially married face problems based on jealousy much more often, in contrast to those whose relationships are civil or free.

Psychology of jealousy: consequences

In addition to its negative impact on relationships, excessive jealousy can lead to:

• deterioration of the psychosomatic condition of children;
• real betrayals;
• problems with your own health - the intestines especially suffer from such emotions, and brain function is disrupted.

Jealousy is one of those subjects that needs to be discussed together and openly. In severe cases, it is recommended to undergo family psychotherapy.

Reasons for female jealousy ↑

Jealousy is not some kind of spontaneous emotion or impulse, it is a real feeling with all the ensuing consequences: emergence, consolidation and apogee. Let's try to understand the reasons for the appearance of such a persistent and burdensome “disease”.

Fear of loneliness

Usually this fear begins to form in early childhood, when a busy mother runs to work and leaves her beloved baby in the care of a grandmother or nanny. The kid naturally doesn’t understand much, but nevertheless believes that the person closest to him is abandoning him day after day.

And if a child has also experienced a divorce from his parents, then his feeling of “uselessness” is much more developed, in contrast to prosperous families.

Such fear is fixed for a long time, and although many women successfully struggle with their childhood traumas, there are often those who, even at 30 years old, remain “little girls” at heart, suffering from the fear of loneliness.

Diffidence

Lack of self-confidence and strength is one of the main causes of jealousy. Such women perceive their men as some kind of deity who deigned to turn a blind eye to all their shortcomings along with imperfection and agreed to be with her.

In these cases, the ladies are sure that if they just let down their vigilance for a second, her husband will immediately fly off to his friend - a smart woman and a beauty with whom she cannot compare. An insecure woman is simply doomed to eternal jealousy; lack of self-confidence is a road to nowhere!

Extremes

Freedom in a relationship is a relative thing, and jealousy can be defined as two extremes:

1. If a man spends too little time at home , spending the day at work, and in the evening, say, at a party, then the woman naturally has some suspicions: where, with whom, why so long, etc.
2. Always and everywhere together : home, work and weekends just the two of us. After some time, the wife begins to notice that her husband will cast a suspicious glance at a passing beauty, talk on the phone in a muffled voice, or look with interest at photos of actresses in magazines.

Imagination

When a young or long-established wife has nothing to do at home, sitting on the sofa, she involuntarily begins to fantasize about scenes of her husband’s infidelity. Then he decides that the fantasies are completely justified, and they need to be tested in reality, while exhausting the soul of his soul mate with a heap of unfounded evidence.

With the birth of your second child, did your eldest become withdrawn and touchy? Learn all about childhood jealousy. How to make a married lover jealous? Read here.

Sometimes it doesn't hurt to do nothing, but when there is too much free time, problems arise, including jealousy.

The absence of real plans, interesting thoughts, or even a simple hobby can become fertile ground for searching for “facts of infidelity” and other speculation.

What is female love? Types of women's love

#1 Altruistic love. A woman shows her feelings and does not demand anything in return. She can do a lot for a man, put up with some of his wrong actions. In a word, he loves in spite of.

#2 “Parental” love. A woman treats a man like a child. She takes care of him, gives him life advice, and makes important decisions. Takes care of him.

#3 Love is “practical”. The man and woman got together because their communication and relationship turned out to be very harmonious. They may not experience strong feelings, but they are interested in each other, they go through life as partners, on equal terms. They know how to negotiate with each other. And in everyday life they feel great.

#4 Manic love. The woman is overwhelmed by feelings. She may do some reckless things. If the previous type of love is based on logic, then this one is based on instincts and sensual impulses. A woman “cannot live without a man” when he is not around.

#5 Erotic love. There is a very strong sexual component here. A man attracts a woman primarily as a sexual object. And to this base other superstructures are attached in the form of communication, common interests (which may not exist), and so on.

Signs ↑

First, let’s answer the question: “What exactly is the difference between male jealousy and female jealousy?”:

1. In men , jealousy does not arise and proceed as quickly as in women. However, if this feeling is allowed to accumulate sufficiently, then after reaching its climax, the consequences will be more catastrophic than the same emotions in women. Fantasies or the reality that his beloved wife is cheating on him completely overwhelms Othello, to the point of losing the ability to perceive reality and soberly evaluate something.
2. Women's jealousy is more of an emotional nature and manifests itself even in female friendships. For men, the main reason for jealousy is the loss of “power” over a woman and the realization that he is not the best, while a woman is afraid of losing her partner and, most importantly, his love. And this feeling will be mixed with hatred of the rival and a constant search for dirt on both her and her traitorous husband. In the end, such emotional shock and tension will not lead to anything good.

There are several main signs of female jealousy that almost all jealous women suffer from:

1. Excessive vigilance . Such relationships are reminiscent of an action-packed detective story: the wife checks her husband’s location every hour, looks through her mobile phone and pockets in the evening, and at night looks for new ways to “see through” her cheater on the Internet.
2. Accusations . Accusations from a jealous partner of her husband’s infidelity are made at every opportunity, so day after day a man must prove his absolute devotion to such a woman. Even if you appeal to logic and it is accepted, then after some time the accusations will begin again.
3. Lonely friends . For a jealous woman, every new male friend is a potential threat, and if this friend is also lonely, then this is a double threat. According to such a jealous woman, her lover can easily find himself in an “unnecessary” company with an excess of attractive females. The best option for such a woman is that her husband has no friends at all.
4. Scenes in public . Such a lady is capable of throwing a scene of jealousy regardless of the place and time: in front of her family, at work and on vacation, without hesitation in expressions and with appropriate intonations.
5. Job . Whenever your significant other is late at work, accusations of cheating with a colleague begin. Sometimes, as if by chance, a wife may appear in the office in order to check the excuse of “a lot of work.” An extremely jealous woman will never give a new secretary or pretty assistant a quiet life.

How to deal with it ↑

To combat jealousy, there are several basic steps that will make life easier for both partners in one way or another:

• increased self-esteem;
• self-criticism;
• analysis of one's own emotions;
• personal care;
• conversations on the “topic” with the object of jealousy;
• contact a specialist.

The advice of psychologists boils down to the following:

1. Never engage in self-criticism . Self-criticism, and the extent to which it leads, can completely throw you off track in life. Comparison with other people is a pointless exercise - you are individual, look for something new and beautiful in yourself and only in yourself, and the rest will come.
2. A pleasant and well-groomed woman will always be greeted with delight , and as a result, an increase in self-esteem, so never be too lazy to stop by the hairdresser or the gym.
3. Be honest with yourself , try to analyze the events in your life to determine which moments cause positive emotions in you and which ones cause negative emotions, and try to avoid the latter. Just try to write down on paper your actions in the event of betrayal, draw conclusions for yourself and calm down.
4. If you are tormented by a feeling of jealousy towards your partner , sometimes the best option is to simply talk with him about your suspicions without raised voices and as frankly as possible. It may happen that your spouse is looking for something that he does not find in the marriage, try to find out what exactly you are “not giving” to him. If you dot all the i's, jealousy will simply die.
5. Don't be afraid to make mistakes , be confident in yourself. Remember your victories more often and praise yourself for them. Remember: there are simply no ideal people, and only a sapper makes a mistake once, which you are not, so boldly dare and never get hung up on jealousy.

In the event that numerous tips and recommendations do not help you in any way, it makes sense to contact a certified specialist, otherwise the risk that you will ruin the life of not only yourself, but also your partner is extremely high.

Test: is your wife very jealous?

In order for you to have the opportunity to find out how much jealousy your spouse experiences, we have prepared a test. Complete it by giving honest answers to get an accurate result.

1. Have you given a reason to be jealous and even more so to believe that you have someone else?

2. Does your wife often interrogate women you know?

3. Do your eyes, cheeks, ears turn red when you start talking about another girl?

4. Have you observed her paying attention to other men on the street?

5. Does your wife claim that you are cheating on her or is she just guessing?

6. Does she often try in every possible way to keep you by her side?

7. Do you have children together?

8. Do calming actions on your part help?

9. Do you respond to her jealousy with jealousy towards other men?

10. Does it stipulate that if you don’t stop communicating “with her,” she will file for divorce?

If you have any questions, you can write them in the comments. We wish you all the best!

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Methods of psychological defense ↑

Jealousy itself cannot be eliminated from life, but it is quite possible to alleviate its course and consequences.

Let's consider some points of psychological protection against jealousy:

1. Denial . A woman herself should close her eyes to the pain that jealousy brings her and pretend as if nothing happened. This method is only suitable for ladies with “iron” nerves, and not every woman has such nerves, so we use it with caution.
2. Rationalization . Step by step and painstakingly we look for the cause of jealousy in ourselves and our actions. Working on yourself psychologically will allow you to distract yourself from the main grain of jealousy - all-absorption. Once you have even the illusion of control over the situation, you will feel how far you have come. This method works well in a matriarchal family where the wife is socially active.

3. Compensation

   . In this case, it is necessary to find any positive qualities of a man in order to compensate for some of his mistakes. Most often, recognition of obvious facts saves the day: good earnings, a wonderful father, a thrifty person, etc. and so on. A certain moral advantage appears over the feeling of jealousy and it is much easier to experience.
4. Mirror . Frequent thoughts about cheating on a loved one can be mirrored on yourself: “What if I go and cheat on myself!” Reflections on this topic will help you understand the sources of your jealousy and determine its motives, while realizing the social unacceptability of this act and thereby easing your psychological burden.
5. Alienation . This method is used after the fact of betrayal and less often for prevention. The woman takes a clear position: “I am above all this”, “I don’t want to know anything”, “All men... and to hell with them”, “Out of sight, out of mind”, etc. The method, although drastic, is very effective. Just like with denial, it is not suitable for everyone.

How men feel about female jealousy ↑

Jealousy in its mild form is always pleasant for a woman and gives her confidence that her partner is not indifferent to her. But how does the male half relate to female jealousy? Let's try to look at this issue through the eyes of men.

Do you consider jealousy to be the main rival of love? Read the article on the topic: Being jealous means loving. Read about how not to be jealous of your husband’s child from his first marriage here.

I am jealous of my husband towards my mother-in-law: what should I do? Read the article.

Surely you have thought more than once about what exactly you don’t like about your spouse. And most likely one of the points is jealousy. And it doesn’t even matter whether it’s justified or not, the main thing is that your partner expresses distrust in you. Plus, you can add a strange feeling of someone’s ownership and a feeling of being a “puppet.”

But the other side of this issue convinces us of the opposite: there are many couples who simply cannot live without jealousy, for them it is a kind of relationship doping, and without it, life fades and loses its former colors.

So maybe jealousy is the necessary “glue” that holds partners together and prevents them from breaking up?

If you don’t like that a man is jealous of you, then a logical question immediately arises: “Why are you jealous of him?” Jealousy is that ambiguous feeling that, on the one hand, both partners don’t like, and on the other hand, causes some misunderstanding: “If he’s not jealous, it means he doesn’t love!”

A very interesting dilemma arises: is there love without jealousy? And if it doesn’t happen, then is it one of its components? Then what about freedom and the feeling of mistrust? The answer, although ambiguous, is quite simple.

Jealousy is an elementary fear of losing your loved one as a consequence, and as a cause - self-doubt and constant doubts mixed with torture of both yourself and your partner.

If at the beginning of a relationship a woman shows her jealousy as if as a joke, then after some time this feeling turns into a kind of instrument for preserving either love (according to the woman) or the man (in reality).

Therefore, we can say that the attitude of men towards female jealousy is very ambiguous, and both partners will have to look for a “golden mean”. After all, the line between jealousy as mistrust and jealousy as an expression of love is very thin, and it can only be found together, “getting used to” and getting to know each other better.

Summarizing

If we do not take into account individual couples for whom jealousy is an everyday thing, we can say that no matter how it disguises itself as love, jealousy cannot strengthen relationships. She has the power to distort, break and ruin any seemingly strong family.

For a change, you can “play” being jealous in order to brighten up dull everyday life and cheer up a little, but beware of jealousy in the full sense of the word. She will strangle you and turn you into a monster.

Everything is in your hands, work on yourself every day, smile more often and don’t be jealous!

Why does a person need jealousy?

Jealousy is something that is enshrined in the genome of every person. In a sense, jealousy is a type of envy. Envy stimulated competition, allowing a person to become better, helping to survive in a difficult world. With the help of envy, the strongest human species survived. Also, jealousy and envy were stimulants for competition for sexual dominance.

Time passes, and humanity still feels the remnants of evolution. However, jealousy helps partners become better people and feel their weak points, which is important.