The mechanism of development of childhood jealousy
Jealousy is the fear of dislike. Likewise, the child is very afraid that a person important to him (in most cases, his mother) will give his love and attention not to him, but to someone else. Most often this happens when there is a new addition to the family. And not necessarily at the expense of the second (third, etc.) child. The appearance of a “new” father or “new” mother can cause no less jealousy if he was previously raised by one parent.
One way or another, the arrival of a new family member disrupts the usual pattern of life. Including the life of the firstborn or a child who now has both parents. And it’s not so much a matter of changing the daily routine or everyday nuances. Most often, children's jealousy in the family develops as a result of a change in priorities - now our hero is not in the spotlight, he has a competitor.
And if the child is not prepared in advance for such a situation, his first reaction will be bewilderment. He cannot understand why the new family member is better than him, why he is given so much attention. The unresolved problem of adaptation to new conditions can transform bewilderment into non-acceptance, which in turn will push the baby into a struggle for attention, which can manifest itself in different ways - from unconscious and harmless pranks to conscious disgusting behavior.
Important! If you do not confront the child with a fact, but carry out preparatory work with him, the mechanism of childhood jealousy may not start.
What to do if the stepmother is jealous of her husband’s child?
Quite often, the cause of conflicts between a stepmother and a child lies in the stepmother’s feelings of jealousy. As a rule, this situation arises when the new wife is still very young and does not have children of her own. In this case, she begins to childishly compete with her husband’s children for his love, attention and even gifts. In this situation, the main responsibility falls on the man. His position must be extremely clear and firm; he must talk in advance with his new wife about how much money will go from the family budget to the children (if they stayed with their mother) and how much time he will spend with them; pay enough attention to both your new wife and children, do not ignore conflicts, and do not allow yourself to be manipulated. It is very important that all family members do not hush up their feelings, express them without hesitation, and look for a constructive solution to problems. Although sometimes the situation becomes so aggravated that you should not try to solve it yourself - it is better to contact a professional family psychologist. If a stepmother does not have children of her own, it is very useful for her to read special literature about children's age-related characteristics. In addition to very valuable knowledge (for example, that children under five simply cannot control their emotions due to the underdevelopment of the frontal lobes), this will give her a real opportunity to feel closer to the child. Another recipe for overcoming jealousy is to try to feel sorry for the child by putting yourself in his place. Aggressive jealousy and pity are incompatible, and sincere sympathy will inevitably crowd out negative feelings; this can be the beginning of understanding and friendship.
Reasons for the development of childhood jealousy
As already mentioned, children's jealousy can be multidirectional - towards a younger brother or sister, towards friends, towards mom or dad, towards relatives and even towards educators or teachers.
The main thing that unites all objects of jealousy is an important role in the life of the jealous person. Therefore, the reasons for jealous behavior in children can be divided into 2 categories: external (independent of the child himself) and internal (formed taking into account the characteristics of character, upbringing, and health status). External causes of childhood jealousy include all changes that occur in the life or composition of the child’s family that shift his authority. This could be the birth of a baby, the beginning of a life together between a mother and a “new” father, or, conversely, the appearance of new students in a group or class, or new friends in the company. More capable or brighter. If a child is very attached to his grandparents, the arrival of other grandchildren may force him to change his behavior.
It is very difficult for a child to experience the appearance of new (step) brothers or sisters when his mother or father creates a new family with a person who has his own children. And it is not a fact that this new object is really better and receives more attention. But it is difficult for a child to see and understand this on his own.
Another external factor that has become increasingly important lately is work. It is very difficult for children to realize that their parents spend much more time on this incomprehensible “work” than they do.
The main internal causes of childhood jealousy are as follows:
- Egocentrism
. This position is typical for children under the age of 10-12 years, when they quite sincerely consider themselves the center of the Universe. Therefore, the child positions any “newcomer” in the family or company as a replacement for himself, expressing this with negative emotions and protests. He is not ready and does not want to share with someone the attention, love, authority that was previously intended only for him. - Responsiveness
. Children often react with jealous behavior to a lack of attention, considering it an unfair attitude. In the family - when most of the child’s requests are postponed or ignored due to busyness (younger child, new relationship, work). His desires are postponed or not fulfilled at all, and he hears the words “wait”, “later”, “not now” more and more often. This causes him justified indignation, because he is also worthy of attention. A feeling of unfair treatment can also be caused by situations in the company of friends, when a child is openly taken advantage of. For example, they invite him to play only because of toys or a bicycle, they pay attention only when he has a new toy. Or clothes, a gadget - if we are talking about schoolchildren. - Unpreparedness for responsibility
. This reason is more typical for the situation when a child becomes an older brother or older sister. The title of “seniority” is rarely perceived by children as a reward or privilege. More like additional responsibility and responsibilities instead of the extra attention they so need. - Inability to express feelings
. Children who do not know how to express feelings of love and affection in the usual ways (kind words, “hugs,” etc.) use the technique for this: “He is jealous, which means he loves.” And, remaining alone or out of sight of parents (friends), they attract attention with insults and defiant behavior. - Increased anxiety
. A child who doubts himself, that he is loved, that he is worthy of love, is in constant anxiety. In all events, the baby is looking for his guilt: a brother was born, a friend didn’t go out for a walk, grandma didn’t come to visit, he will come up with a lot of explanations. Far from the truth, but necessarily associated with him, with his (imaginary) shortcomings. And here you need to remember that the child will not become anxious on his own - these are gaps in upbringing. This can be caused by the duality of parents’ demands: for example, today curiosity is good and educational, tomorrow it is bad and annoying. - Creation of competitive conditions
. Certain parenting tactics when competition is created between children can instill in a child a feeling of jealousy towards a brother or sister. The first to eat soup is to get candy, the first to put away the toys is to go for a walk outside, the first to learn homework is to watch a cartoon or play on the computer, etc. Or the opposite approach: if you didn’t eat the soup, you were left without sweets, if you didn’t put away the toys, you were left without them, etc. Such identification of one child as “good” by any means gives the status of “bad” to another. And it disrupts the relationship between children. Sometimes for life. - Feeling helpless
. It happens that the roots of childhood jealousy grow from a simple feeling that the child is unable to influence the situation. He looks at his competitor (new friend, new mom or dad, little brother or sister, cousin) and can’t figure out why he’s better. At the same time, he cannot justify this and somehow influence the choice of a person important to him. He feels powerless and therefore gets angry. Due to the same egocentrism, not understanding that love can be different - for children, for soul mates, for parents, for friends, and therefore - independent and completely compatible.
The main signs of childhood jealousy
Manifestations of a jealous attitude towards the object of their love in children largely depend on the strength of this love itself, personality characteristics and the reaction of parents to this.
Therefore, they will not necessarily be stormy and defiant. A child can experience everything deep inside. That is, signs of childhood jealousy can be divided into obvious and hidden. Obvious manifestations of jealousy in children include the following behavioral reactions:
- Aggressiveness
. The most common form of expressing your “ardent” feelings towards a competitor. This can be physical impact (if it concerns the “children’s” category) - fights, the desire to pinch, push, take something away. In general, it will hurt. Or emotional pressure - insults, teasing, name-calling, the desire to slander, persuade someone to do something bad, set them up. Or both methods together. - Hyperactivity
. Excessive activity of the child, which has not been observed before, should also alert vigilant parents. A pet that has been pushed off its pedestal changes its tactics of behavior as compensation for the feeling of uselessness. At the same time, the newly minted “live” not only does not want to calm down, but also refuses to eat, nap, or recently enjoy favorite activities (walks, toys, meetings with friends or family, playing with a pet, etc.). He is moody and cannot concentrate on one activity. - Neurotic reactions
. In very sensitive children, the response to a jealous attitude to a change in their status in the family or company may not be behavior, but the reaction of the nervous system. For example, hysteria, stuttering, nervous tics.
The following signs indicate that a child is experiencing jealous feelings within himself:
- Anxiety
. Negativity, resentment, and misunderstanding accumulated and pent up inside still break out, despite the outwardly calm child. These may be sleep problems - restless, interrupted sleep, difficulty waking up or getting up. The digestive system can also react - poor appetite, digestive disorders, change in taste preferences. The psyche also gets involved, bringing back old fears and inventing new ones. School performance may also suffer. - Change of mood
. A clear sign that a child is experiencing a stressful situation is a change in his emotional behavior. If a previously cheerful and active baby suddenly becomes sad, passive and whiny, this is a hidden urge that he needs help and attention. - Avoidance of independence
. Very often, older children begin to consciously “unlearn” and “not be able” to do what they did independently before the arrival of a new family member. A child’s idea of the world tells him that if he becomes like the baby to whom his mother now pays so much attention, then she will devote the same amount of time to him. - Deterioration of health
. Internal experiences can also affect the child’s health - he may get colds more often or suffer from exacerbations of chronic diseases for no apparent reason. Or he may use simulation or trauma to attract attention.
Important! A child’s jealousy is his emotions, experiences that he can take with him into adulthood, thereby greatly complicating it. Therefore, it should not go unnoticed.
How to deal with childhood jealousy
The most effective method of returning a child “to the family” is to restore his confidence that he is still needed and loved. This can be done in a variety of ways, depending on why he is jealous and how he demonstrates it.
How to deal with childhood jealousy towards a younger child
If the reason for the change in the child's behavior is the birth of the baby, try to correct the situation using the following methods:
- Prevention
. To ensure that children's jealousy at the birth of a second child is minimal or does not arise at all, you can use the method of preparing the first-born for joining the family. To do this, initiate him into the mysteries of the development of the future baby (without fanaticism), let him stroke his belly, listen to him kick, talk to him. Patiently explain why the pregnant mother can no longer play so actively and hold her first child in her arms. Show your child photos and videos of him when he was still a baby. Try not to imply that the older one will have more fun with the younger one. Children have a poorly developed concept of time - it is difficult for them to realize what will happen someday. Therefore, a helpless baby born can be a disappointment for an older brother or sister who was counting on a full-fledged play partner. To avoid such a reaction, tell your first-born that he, too, was little, did not know how to do anything, but learned over time. But he didn’t have such a good older brother (sister) who would help him learn everything faster and more fun. Invite or go to visit a family that already has a baby - let the child see for himself how touching and funny he is. Pay special attention to preparing the first-born for the fact that the mother will be absent for several days (during her stay in the maternity hospital). - Quality of communication
. Naturally, with the birth of the baby, neither father nor mother will be able to devote the same amount of time to the first-born as was given to him before. Therefore, try to translate quantity into quality. To cope with childhood jealousy, set aside a certain time period - “older child time”, when nothing and no one will interfere with your communication. Let it be half an hour a day, but all this time mom will only be with him. That is, make it a ritual. It is better if this time is before bedtime - during this period children are more receptive and open. Communication at this time should be as pleasant and confidential as possible. You can build it in different ways: it can be a fairy tale, reading books or discussing the past day. In the latter case, make it a rule not to compare the behavior of the older one with other children, especially with the younger one. Help analyze his behavior and find optimal ways to resolve certain situations. If possible, maintain your daily routine and existing rituals as much as possible. - A real look at the role of an older child
. The main task of parents is to make their firstborn an assistant, not a nanny. This is especially true for children with a small age difference. Therefore, involve the elder in helping to care for the baby adequately, taking into account his real capabilities and desires. Entrust him with little things that are insignificant for you (choose socks or a hat for a walk, roll the stroller a little, shake a rattle, bring a bottle, etc.), presenting them to him as a very responsible task that you cannot cope with without his help. And be sure to reward initiative and help so that the first-born feels important and needed. - Ability to listen and explain
. Take time to listen carefully to your firstborn and his feelings towards the current situation. Convey to him what you see, what is happening to him, and you understand why. If the child does not make contact, you can use the active listening method. That is, say all his feelings out loud. Even if he still doesn’t speak, he will hear you and understand the feelings you voiced. Using the same method, direct his feelings in the right direction - his parents still love and appreciate him, no matter what. - Benefits of "seniority"
. Remind that the firstborn not only has certain responsibilities to the younger brother or sister, but also advantages. For example, eating ice cream, watching cartoons, playing on the computer, running, jumping, etc. Just don't overdo it so you don't get the opposite result. In the presence of your first-born, try to talk about the baby not as your son (daughter), but as his brother (sister), focusing on how good he (she) is. This way, the older child will gradually develop a sense of pride that he has a super brother or sister. Which means he too is super. - Suppression of aggression
. Monitor the behavior of both children, not allowing them to offend each other. It is especially important not to give a discount to a younger person because of his age - he also needs to be explained that it is not good to offend an older person. Do not punish or reward one child at the expense of another - find compromises. Then children will not compete with each other and will learn to sincerely enjoy each other’s successes.
How to deal with childhood jealousy towards one of the parents
Often, jealous behavior manifests itself towards mom or dad, even without the appearance of a brother or sister.
In this case, the child is not ready to share the love and care of mom and dad or vice versa. Here are a few ways to respond to children's jealousy towards one of their parents:
- Belief
. Try to explain to your child that love for him and love for his husband (wife) are different feelings. They do not replace each other and can coexist perfectly. And you have enough love and attention for everyone. - Compromise
. If a child shows aggression or is capricious when you pay attention to your spouse, do not remove your husband. Do not let your child understand that he is more important. In a family, everyone is equal and everyone equally deserves love and good treatment. Try to involve the jealous person in joint actions: your husband wants to kiss you, and the child, seeing this, becomes hysterical - offer to kiss you together; If you want to lie down with your husband on the sofa, and the baby desperately climbs between you, let him in with joy and watch a cartoon or read a book together. Involve dad in the process - let him remind you in moments of childhood jealousy that he loves both mother and child. - Distraction
. In a situation where no persuasion or tricks work, and the child cannot calm down, create a comfort zone for him. Come up to him, hug him, kiss him, play with him. If necessary, take him to another room. And only when you see that the baby’s emotional position has changed, can you carefully talk to him about what happened.
How to deal with childhood jealousy towards a new dad or mom
The subject of children's dissatisfaction may be a new family member of a different kind - mom's new husband or dad's new wife.
And often the integration of a new person into a child’s familiar environment is far from painless. To soften it, use several psychological techniques:
- Preparation
. You need to prepare your child not only for the arrival of a younger child, but also for the fact that a new adult will live with him. To do this, they need to be given time to get to know and get used to each other. The best way to do this is to organize periodic meetings. First, on your territory with a mandatory warning about this to the child. Then, when your child gets used to the new dad, you can expand the area of communication by going to the park, circus, cinema, skating rink or outdoor recreation. A very effective tactical step during such an event would be to leave the future stepfather and the child alone for a few minutes. That is, give them the opportunity to communicate without an intermediary and gain more trust. The next stage will be partial relocation, when the man sometimes stays overnight after spending the day with you and your child. And only after this, if the child does not object or even suggests it himself, invite your man to live with you on permanent terms. - Authority
. Even if your child is prepared and has accepted his new chosen one, this is not a reason to “relax,” especially if you have a boy. Although girls also do not easily accept the replacement of their birth mother. Now the main thing for a new husband or wife should be gaining authority with your child. And this should not be unquestioning submission only according to age gradation - children must obey adults. Dad or mom are not just adults. This is higher - an authority, a role model. To achieve such a “title” in the eyes of an adopted child, you need a little: to fulfill what is promised, to be able to explain the cause-and-effect relationships of certain actions, to adhere to the rules introduced, to be sincerely interested in his life, experiences, hobbies, to be able to support him even in the event of failures and mistakes. - Neutrality
. Make it a rule not to interfere with the child’s feelings towards the new chosen one. Convince him that the new dad is not taking anyone’s place - he will have his own. And not only you, but also your child needs him, because he can become a good friend, protector, and assistant. And you have enough time for everyone. But don’t ignore situations when a child tries to point out that their stepfather is wrong. Find out, but neutrally, without taking sides. - Communication
. No matter how much a wave of new feelings overwhelms you, do not leave your child alone. Try to give your new husband or wife attention without harming him. Until the situation in the family stabilizes, the baby takes very hard your attempts to be alone, especially outside the home. He perceives this as detachment and considers himself superfluous, unnecessary. And in this case one cannot expect much love for the stepfather.
Important! No matter how excited you are about your new relationship, you can’t forget about motherhood. Now you are not just a woman, but a mother. And this is primary.
How to deal with childhood jealousy - watch the video:
[media=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ikOtb1TGto]
Childhood jealousy is an illustration of the fear of losing your world, full of love and attention. It cannot be ignored; it must be fought. But the main thing is that you need to notice it and choose the right way to solve the problem so that your child grows up to be a happy and confident person.
How should a father behave if his child is jealous of his new wife?
The father should communicate with the child as much as possible, making it clear that he is always there, loves him as before, and is always ready to help. Under no circumstances should he force the child to love the “new mother”. But of course, the father must show the child that he loves his new wife, wants the child to make friends with her, that she wants to be friends with the child and help him, that it hurts him very much when she is offended - and so on. At the same time, you need to be extremely attentive to the child so that he does not feel deprived and does not make his father jealous of his stepmother. On the contrary, he must realize that he now has another close older friend who can help and protect.
