Consultation with an educational psychologist for parents How to inform a child about the death of a loved one?

RAZVOdis.RU Divorce Divorce and children

Divorce is not an easy matter, especially if a family on the verge of collapse is raising a common child. Children under stress experience a feeling of anxiety for their own future. Therefore, parents are thinking about how to tell their child about the divorce while preserving the child’s psychological health. Teenagers and young children are susceptible to stress in such a situation.

Disagreements or conflicts lead to the separation of spouses, during which parents have a negative influence on their offspring. They become participants in quarrels, witnesses damaged relationships between parents - this affects the child’s psychological well-being. The situation is aggravated by the desire of the spouses to hide the true reason for the collapse of the family, especially if there is a small child. According to the advice of a psychologist, children need to explain the situation happening with the family. Otherwise, the child will think that he is the cause of the discord.

Setting the stage for conversation

The family through the eyes of a child is a single whole, and it will be extremely difficult for a child or teenager to imagine it differently. Unfortunately, a painless divorce has not yet been invented. But you can “smooth out the corners” and cause less trauma to the child’s psyche. To do this, you need to know several important rules on how to correctly tell your child about a divorce. We will look at them now.

When the divorce issue is resolved 100%, then you need to prepare the ground for communication. Don't put off a difficult conversation for too long. It will be much worse if someone other than the parents tells the child about this. And what’s even worse is that the teenager will figure it out on his own, begin to blame himself and withdraw. And then the conversation may simply be fruitless.

You must definitely choose a completely free day for communication. And do this not the day before the divorce, but at least two weeks before. The child will definitely have questions, he may burst into tears, and try to take everything back. He may begin to blame himself and promise to improve. You need to let your child (teenager) get used to this news. At this time, there should be no swearing or showdowns in the family. Parents should sort things out among themselves in private.

Joint conversation

Adults need to know how to start a conversation with a child. Both parents should lead the conversation. If mom and dad talk together, it will be easier for the baby to learn the information. He will still consider himself surrounded by a full-fledged family and safe. This way the information is absorbed much better. During the conversation, and even later, there is no need to show your emotions towards each other in front of the children. It is necessary to behave with restraint, without unnecessary anger. In a conversation, present information as a joint decision. We must remember that this is a conversation for the child, and not a clarification of grievances and relationships. As a result of the conversation, he should understand one thing: he is loved and is not to blame for the separation of his parents. That everything will remain the same. Mom definitely needs to know how to explain to her child that dad doesn’t live with us, and that now he lives separately. It must be said that circumstances just happened, so dad needs to move.

Children with an age difference of several years

If there is more than one child in a family, and there is a big difference between them, what should you do? How to tell your children about divorce in this case? It is better to have a conversation with each individual separately. Since an older child understands everything better and can react more impulsively. With younger children the conversation will be much easier. It is possible that the conversation will be repeated as you grow older. Under no circumstances should you blame anyone for your divorce. Children should see that their parents remain on good terms.

A simple form of communication and explanation of the reason for what happened

The conversation should take place in a simple form and be understandable to the child. Whether a child should know the reason for divorce depends on age and the reason itself. For example, if one of the parents drinks a lot, then everything will become clear on its own. But if the matter is treason, then you can keep silent about it. Otherwise, the child will blame the parent who committed it. If the child is no longer small and can guess the reason himself, then you need to present it in such a way that he still loves mom and dad equally. But you need to tell the truth right away. Cheating will only make the situation worse. During a conversation, you should not start swearing among yourself; at this moment the conversation should be devoted only to the child.

After the conversation, children should understand that basically nothing will change. Mom and dad love them. That on birthdays and major holidays, they will also gather together. Dad will walk with them, play, pick them up from kindergarten. The only thing that will change is that he will live separately.

What should the child understand?

The main thing the child should understand from the conversation is:

After the divorce, mom and dad will be better, it just so happens.
The fact that parents get divorced will not affect their love for their child. Everything will remain the same.
Communication with my paternal grandparents will not stop. Everything will remain as it was.
The parents will live separately, but now the child will have two homes at once, where they will be welcomed and loved.
There are no guilty parties in a divorce, neither father, nor mother, nor baby. It happened that way. This happens sometimes.

After such a conversation, the child should still love both parents equally. It shouldn't be that he loves mom more than dad. That the mother’s parents are better, but the father’s attitude towards the child has become worse.

Gift in honor of new status

Many dads don't understand what to do when mom is in the hospital. Psychologists assure that this time should be spent to prepare the child for the arrival of the baby. First of all, it is important to surround the elder with care and love. You can dispel his fears and worries with a gift.

In honor of what? Now the baby will bear the honorary title of an older brother or sister. This will prove to the child that he is thought about and loved. In addition, such a gift will highlight the joy of the event and the festive atmosphere.

Inappropriate words and actions

Let us note that there are words and actions that are unacceptable during a divorce. They can traumatize the fragile psyche of the child. If friendly relations have not been maintained between the parents, then the child should not know about this. It is advisable to behave in a friendly manner around him. If one parent loses his temper during a conversation, the other should soften the situation. Don’t forget, it’s even harder for a child. You can even reschedule the conversation.

How to tell your child about divorce? Psychologist's advice

Psychologists give the following advice:

When it is decided that there will be a divorce, period, the child must understand that the parents will not get back together. We can’t give him hope that maybe we will be a full-fledged family again, but for now we’ll take a break from each other.
You cannot humiliate or insult your spouse in front of the children. For them you remained friends.
When talking, try not to say that you have stopped loving each other. It's better to find another reason. Otherwise, the baby may decide that they may stop loving him too. And he will live in constant fear of being completely alone and of no use to anyone.
There is no need to force a child to choose one of the parents. Bribe his love with toys and entertainment. For full psychological development, a child simply needs two parents. Even if they don't live together.
There is no need to talk about the bad sides of your ex-spouse when communicating with your child. Children don't need to know this.
Children should not participate in the divorce process itself; they need to be protected from this. Of course, unless the court requires it.
You should not constantly talk to your child about the upcoming divorce. For example, how good it was, and how scary what will happen next.
You cannot ask children which parent they love more, more strongly.
The child should receive the same love as before. He should not be an intermediary for parents who do not want to communicate with each other.
Divorce cannot be made up to the child with expensive toys, or allowed to do something that was previously prohibited. It will not bring back the loss of a lost family.

To properly approach a conversation with a child about divorce, you need to put yourself in his place. No matter how correctly the conversation is structured, it will still be difficult for the child to realize that the parents are no longer together. And he will try with all his might to reunite the family. And this applies to children of all ages, even thirty-year-olds. Divorce proceedings are always painful. It’s just that older children can understand adults and it’s easier for them to explain the reason.

How to notice that a child is worried when outwardly he is calm?

The most important thing is to recognize how the child reacts to the situation.

There are two types of experiences:

A child may experience their parents’ divorce in such a way that outwardly it will seem that everything is fine. In fact, these emotions are just inside and do not find a way out.
The second option is to worry externally. Sometimes this means going into illness, but not in order to attract the attention of parents, but in order to help.

Children feel the emotional state of their mother and when mom feels bad, they will try to take her out of this state. How? Get sick. And the mother will switch her attention and thoughts to the children, move away from the situation that worries her and makes her worry.

At first glance, it may seem that the child is not worried, nothing bothers him and everything is fine. But most often this is not the case.

How can you understand what is really in your baby’s soul and what emotions he is experiencing?

The “drawing test” will help you with this. I really love this method and have been using it for many years in my practice, because through drawing, children “open up”: they transfer onto paper what is inside them, and thanks to the techniques that I will teach you, you will be able to understand the emotional state of your children.

Invite your child to draw a picture. Give A4 sheet and colored pencils. It is important here that these are pencils.

Ask him what he would like to draw:

Maybe you can come up with an animal that flew to us from another planet, but we don’t have any?
Or maybe you can draw a beautiful house where people live?
Or maybe a family?
A person?
Tree?

What you want?

Pay attention to the pressure of the pencil (this is why it is very important that they are pencils).

If the pressure is strong: the child presses so hard on the pencil that holes appear on the sheet when he draws or colors. This indicates emotional tension. That is, he has experiences inside that he cannot express. These experiences bother him, the baby is worried and does not understand what is happening to him.

In this situation, it is worth contacting a psychologist who will help remove this tension.

The main signs of emotional stress that will be visible in the figure:

Strong pressure.
Strong sketching, crossing out.
Absence of a significant family member in the picture.
Lack of soil underfoot.

Be careful, even if you notice in the drawing only one sign that the child is emotionally stressed - do not ignore it, do not leave it unexamined.

Features of conversation with children under seven years of age

With children under three years old, you can do without talking about divorce. But you definitely need to answer the question, where is dad/mom? Over time, the child will get used to the fact that one of the parents no longer lives nearby.

Children from three to seven years old already understand that something is wrong in the family. At this age, babies are strongly attached to both parents. Therefore, an extremely delicate conversation is needed here. Many parents are at a loss on how to talk to a small child about divorce. At first, the baby may begin to urinate, sleep poorly, behave capriciously, and try to attract the attention of both parents. It’s hard for a child to realize that dad came only for a walk, to play, or to go to the store for a toy. When saying goodbye there may be whims and tears. The parent with whom the baby is staying needs to control the child’s behavior. Sometimes you can’t do without the help of a specialist.

Analysis of the situation

Children perceive the new family member as a competitor. Moreover, before birth, they themselves can ask for a brother or sister. Why such a difference in reactions? First, the child learns from cartoons or from friends about the positive aspects of kinship. But unlike parents, he does not yet know how the birth of a baby changes the structure of the family and its functionality.

If other children often come to visit a child, he compares it with this: they played happily and parted. But the new family member will always be there. He will steal the attention, care and love of his parents. He will use the older child's toys and clothes. The firstborn turns out to be unprepared for all this. In addition, a newborn does not behave the same as a peer. He will scream and cry. He will also not be able to communicate and play right away.

In addition to everything, the older child, especially with a difference of 6 years or more, will have to help the parents with the baby. All this together changes the joy from expectations and fantasies to confusion, irritation, bewilderment from reality. The child is offended, irritated, angry at the parents and the baby. Sometimes children, due to their age and lack of understanding of the specifics of parenthood, offer to give the baby back.

Features of conversation with children from seven to fourteen years old

Children from seven to eleven years old experience divorce less emotionally. Most people hope that their parents will get back together. There is no need to give rise to this hope; the child must realize that the separation of mom and dad happened forever. The baby will need to be helped to get used to the fact that his father will now come for a while to talk to him.

How to tell children about divorce between the ages of eleven and fourteen? During this period, the child begins to look at life soberly. And if the child knows that the reason for the divorce was drunkenness or infidelity, then he can take the side of only one parent, with whom he remains. It’s better for him to make it clear that dad is still good, that he shouldn’t turn away from him, because he loves him.

Show me the ultrasound photo

Some parents are thinking about whether they need to take their child for an ultrasound. It is worth noting here that most children associate the hospital with illness. Therefore, you should not traumatize such a young psyche and do not embarrass your baby with an ultrasound procedure. Moreover, the purpose of visiting this procedure is to get an idea of the progress of intrauterine development of the fetus.

If a child goes to kindergarten and is very sociable, it is not advisable to visit him during all the little details of the mother’s pregnancy. Under the age of 5, children do not know how to keep secrets, and the baby will tell everyone and everything about the interesting condition of his mother.

Also, after this procedure, the baby may have questions, the answers to which will have to be sought in books on anatomy. You can show the first child his own ultrasound image and point out the similarities between him and his brother or sister.

Teenager and divorce

Telling a teenager about divorce can be more difficult than telling a toddler. Since at this age he begins to form as a personality. And parental separation can cause serious trauma. It is at this age that a mother should know how to tell her child the truth about the reason for the separation.

He may withdraw into himself even during the initial conversation, even if the conversation was structured correctly. You need to give the child a chance to get used to it and gradually communicate with him. But not intrusively, but when he has questions or a desire to talk.

Why is it important to prepare your child?

What to expect from your first child after the birth of your second:

changes in behavior (reactions are individual);
attempts to attract attention in any way, sometimes antisocial;
whims, screams, insults, aggression, insults;
regression as a protective mechanism of the psyche (thumb sucking, walking on all fours, enuresis): the child tries to become small again so that he can be handled like a newborn;
sleep disturbances, nightmares;
jealousy, aggression towards the newborn;
psychosomatic reactions: obsessive movements, frequent illnesses, breathing problems, etc.

Even well-prepared children experience these manifestations. And for unprepared children, the situation turns into severe psychological trauma, which can lead to the development of neurosis and mental disorder.

What to do next?

If a family has to go through a divorce, the child’s exact reaction cannot be predicted. Each baby is a separate personality. Some may react calmly and cry into their pillow at night. And there are also children who themselves become a support for their mother and help her survive the divorce. And it is right. It is necessary for the child to feel needed. You can even ask the mother herself to be a support, saying that without his help it will be difficult for her.

The most important thing is that you should not make any other important life changes at this time. For example, moving to another city. The child should have at least some kind of permanence, for example, school, kindergarten. It is better to wait with changes in life. There is no need to rush to introduce the baby to the new dad. You need to let the child get used to it. At first, try to pay more attention to the baby. Sometimes it is enough to increase the walking time by half an hour.

Don't forget about your elders

When you return from the maternity hospital, no matter how busy you are, pay attention to your older child. Hug him, talk to him, introduce him to the newborn. Tell him how much you missed him, give him your affection. After all, he was waiting for his mother from the maternity hospital, he missed her and needed her warmth. “Senior”, but in fact still a baby.

If your daughter or son wishes, let them help you feed the baby, rock you to sleep, change clothes.