Alexandra Shimanova
Psychotherapist at the Persona Partnership Center
Without noticing it, we find ourselves in similar situations again and again and evoke familiar experiences in our souls in order to pull them out.
Trust in a couple is perhaps the basic component of a relationship. When we fall in love, we quickly begin to trust our partner unconditionally. We expect the same attitude in return.
And then the moment comes when you catch your partner cheating. Or this fear was in you from the very beginning, and you don’t even need a reason to constantly live on guard. You monitor your partner's activity on social networks, monitor their location, or extort the smallest details, trying to catch him in a lie. We do a lot of things completely unconsciously.
There are several reasons why this happens - but let's talk about how to overcome it. How to stop living in constant fear of betrayal and expectation of deception? What to do if we are afraid to trust?
Make a positive impact on your environment
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Trust issues after cheating
To trust your husband again, you need to believe his words. If he sincerely repents of his actions, promises to control his desires under any circumstances, claims that his feelings for his mistress are not the basis for his betrayal, then, most likely, there is no reason not to believe him. Over time, trust can be regained as you build a new, strong relationship with your husband.
If the spouse convinces that there is nothing so terrible in his action, that all men are polygamous, that for him this is just entertainment, and he only loves his wife, you should not believe him. These are the arguments of a womanizer, a womanizer who will continue to cheat on his wife in the future. Life with him will never be calm, and when he is not at home, the wife will begin to be tormented by suspicions, and the imagination will helpfully slip in a picture in which the husband will be with his mistress.
Therefore, before deciding whether to trust your husband after cheating, you must first of all proceed from the personality of the husband himself.
Use nonverbal cues
Our words and actions are not the only way we communicate with other people. If your body language doesn't match your lines, people will stop trusting you. We are talking about a tense smile, lack of eye contact when talking with the interlocutor, tilted body and crossed arms on the chest. Demonstrate your openness and sincerity through gestures, and then people will truly trust you.
We saw the truth, but we heard lies
It's easy to lie when you think people believe you. If you know that no one takes your stories seriously, the process becomes more difficult. Let statuses about your loved one’s deception serve as a reminder that everything secret becomes clear.
- If you want to be my beloved, don't lie to me.
- You said you needed me. Apparently, it’s needed to lie...
- A lie is an abyss on the path to happiness and love.
- I'm no longer at that age for the noodles to stay firmly on my ears.
- We girls are ready to drink sweet lies in one gulp, and call the truth too bitter.
- The first thing that kills lies is love.
- No matter how much we scold the deceiver, we love his lies.
- You lie to me even when you are silent.
- What is unbearable? This is when an obvious lie is presented as the truth.
- I know you're lying. But you do it so beautifully...
- Your lies leave wounds on my heart. And even when they heal, the mark remains forever.
- When you become a victim of deception, it is always sad. But the hardest thing to survive is when your loved one becomes a deceiver.
- I think I understand that you deceived me a little... but I can’t believe it anymore...
- When a loved one lies, he betrays
- When a status about deceiving a loved one becomes relevant, you need to get over it and move on. No matter how difficult it is.
- You are so beautiful that even your lies breathe sincerity!
- After you deceived me and somehow your saggy belly and bad character immediately became visible.
- Your mother gave birth to you good and sincere, but you turned out to be such a liar...
- Lying is for a coward.
- You lied. He became addicted to deception, like an alcoholic to vodka.
- There are stupid lies. It hurts like a club. And sometimes it’s thin. It stings like a needle. And you either bludgeon me or stab me.
- And where did you learn to lie so well?
- – You need to carry a very large memory suitcase with you. - For what? - To always remember what you deceived me about.
- With your lies you humiliate me and yourself. And that means our love has no reason.
Be yourself
You cannot force other people to love and respect you. However, you have the power to influence their attitude towards you. Be careful, because in an effort to please and earn trust, it is important not to overdo it. Trying too hard to be something you are not gives away false thoughts. Pay attention to sincerity, generosity, kindness and mutual assistance. All these qualities are especially valued in society.
How mistrust manifests itself in relationships
You don't trust if:
- you constantly feel the need to frequently and obsessively check on your partner, asking for the smallest details of all his meetings and movements;
- don’t want to have secrets from each other;
— strive to have an absolutely common information field (right down to pages on social networks and email accounts);
— you become hysterical, worried and conflicted when your partner does not strictly comply with the agreements;
How does this make you feel?
- you are jealous;
You need to live through the whole gamut of those feelings that you suppressed in the past.
- are sure that you will be betrayed;
- you are trying to control your partner, and this takes a lot of effort;
- live in constant fear that you will be abandoned;
- you think that you are unworthy of attention;
- don’t believe that they will take care of you;
— attention from the partner is constantly lacking.
All these feelings have one common denominator - you don't trust. The main reasons for mistrust are as follows.
Experience of deception in existing relationships
.
Your current partner has already betrayed your trust.
And if you are still together, then most likely you have found some kind of compromise for yourself - you either “forgave” your partner, or “forgot” everything that happened, or for some reason decided to move on with it. This may not necessarily be about deception or outright lies. For example, one woman lost trust in her partner when he did not defend her to her mother or take her side in a conflict. Deception and betrayal in past relationships
.
You have been deceived in past relationships and, perhaps, in more than one, and you, having been burned by milk, are blowing water.
Childhood experience
.
Perhaps you have seen a cheating father and a suffering mother since childhood, or you yourself were grossly deceived by your parents in your expectations - betrayal by a parent of the opposite sex is especially sensitive in the period from 3 to 6 years.
Perhaps there was a painful experience in childhood friendships when girlfriends betrayed. In childhood, everything is experienced to the maximum, and what adults think is a trifle can lay the foundation for a child to mistrust people for the rest of his life. For example, dad promised to take his 5-year-old daughter to the zoo, she prepared for a week, told everyone, waited for this day, but dad didn’t succeed - she was sent on a business trip. It seemed like a trifle, a good reason, and then a week later we went to the zoo. But the child developed a certainty: “The people closest to you deceive, and nothing good can be expected.” Each of these reasons is multifaceted, and they can be intertwined.
What to do if a loved one cheats on little things
“What should I do with my husband? – a client once asked. – He, like a boy, constantly deceives, and in small things. I’m already tired, I don’t have any strength.”
It should be understood that we are not able to immediately and dramatically change the behavior of another person (especially if he himself is not interested in this), but we have the right to change ourselves and our attitude towards this situation.
So, what little things does a loved one lie to you about? I’ll write what I encountered in my work, and you can add your own options if you want.
“I missed you so much that I almost missed the train. But I forgot to call and say that I would come.” Yeah, I was on the train for four hours and forgot about the call.
“I wanted to leave you a cutlet, but the cat ate it.”
“This is not your soup, which I forgot to eat, I prepared it according to your recipe. It didn’t work out.”
A young man to his mother: “Mommy, I bought mint gingerbread for you.” The girl sitting next to him is shocked: she bought the gingerbread cookies. And not specifically for the future mother-in-law, but just like that, to the table.
All these little things infuriate you, drive you crazy, you don’t know what to think: either they don’t respect you, or they’re afraid of you, or something else.
What do some people do? They take the position of a winner - hands on hips, the look of a strict teacher, someone else swells with pride like a balloon: “Why are you lying to me?”, “Why did you lie to me then?” And before that, my hands are itching, my adrenaline is going wild: “Well, now I’ll catch him!”, “I’ll show him where the crayfish spend the winter.”
The position is absolutely unwinnable, because this is not the first time the plot has been repeated. A loved one lies - you get angry, you catch him, and for two minutes he becomes a little mischievous boy or little girl. And after some time a new lie appears. You are used to these roles, and both of you do not move. A game of cat and mouse, no less.
What is the problem?
The point is that a person who lies is neurotic. And lies, even the smallest and stupid ones, are his childish way of adapting to a cruel world.
Parents or close circle teach the developing personality to deceive. And not necessarily by personal example. And by presenting exorbitant and inadequate demands that the child cannot fulfill physically and morally. Due to young age, personal characteristics or the influence of social factors. What am I talking about here? About the fears, needs, developmental characteristics of a small child, etc.
And it’s difficult for parents to see, notice, and take this into account. That's why they continue to stick to their line, denying the child as he is. And for failure to fulfill demands that the child cannot fulfill, they are punished painfully and super-aggressively. Starting from physical punishment and ending with deprivation of love.
A vicious circle is created.
They say: do it. I tell them that I can’t. They don't hear. I do the best I can in a given situation or in my own way. It turns out wrong, and I am punished painfully.
What should I do?
- get sick so they can fall behind;
- learn to lie so as not to cause trouble.
Typically, a stable system of lies is formed by the age of 4 years. By 11, children become perfect at lying because their intelligence grows. Then they automatically use lies in various life situations, even where it is not required.
What to think and what to do if they lie to me about little things?
In an adult, the manifestation of lies is a defensive reaction of the psyche to the influence of an aggressive world. If a person lies to you, does that mean he doesn’t trust you? And here I will calm you down. He doesn't trust the whole world. He was made this way by insensitive, over-demanding, aggressive parents. And now you see the result - a prickly hedgehog that wants to crawl everywhere, like a snake.
What to do?
This method is long and requires your patience. In the end, you will live with this person, which means your nerves will not be frayed.
- Give up your service weapon/mask of a strict teacher and stop catching a neurotic in a lie. A neurotic's lies are the only cardboard weapon he has in his hands. He feels calmer with him. A person who lies about little things knows very well that deception is not approved by society. And if you attack him, you add your own to his self-accusations.
- Prove that you are safe, that you are not the adult who threw himself at him as a child. How to prove? Don't laugh at a neurotic's lies; don't put yourself above him, especially when he lies. We handed over our service weapons, remember? Let yourself be tested before approaching. A neurotic who wants to develop a relationship with you further will test you repeatedly to make sure that you are not like his parents. How will it look like? The neurotic will continue to deceive, knowing full well that you see through his lies. But he will secretly expect you not to notice his mistake. “I called you, but you didn’t pick up” – he doesn’t want you to accuse him of forgetfulness. “I didn’t go with you to the dacha because I ran out of gas” - he doesn’t want your father to force him to dig potatoes. “I don’t remember how much I paid for these earrings” - she doesn’t want you to be indignant: on what means does she live?! Not noticing a lie will prove to the intimidated and distrustful “hedgehog” your disposition, your understanding that he had a hard time in childhood, your generosity and tact. And most importantly, the neurotic will understand that he is not only understood, but also accepted - for who he is.
- Hear recognition. Trust grows gradually. And if one of the partners stops playing the role of the cat, then the mouse will become bored. So in our case: the liar will lose the desire to defend himself (lie), because he is not attacked. And he admits: “But it was I who ate the cutlet, not the cat.” If you hear this, have a celebration: you both got rid of the influence of evil stereotypes that mistakenly lodged themselves in the head of your loved one. Any liar knows: telling the truth is easier and more pleasant. If there is someone to tell it to, and if this someone does not rush at you with a frying pan.
