How to forget grievances against parents if they hurt painfully even after many years

How much work it took me to admit that this pain - resentment towards my mother - was destroying me, only God knows. And how I would like to say that I love you, mom, honey... But I can’t. After all, I expect this from you even more, I’ve been waiting for this all my life. I don’t know life without grudges against you. When and why did we begin to lay down brick by brick this wall of misunderstanding, alienation, coldness and irritation that separates us?

I have always been, am and will be your child. We are connected by the fact that I live - thanks to you, mom! Therefore, the feeling of resentment and guilt for the fact that I experience it are so intertwined in me and have grown into each other that it is almost impossible to differentiate them. I am burning with pain, frustration and anger at myself. But even more - on you.

Understand that everyone has their own point of view

Resentment against a strict mother or an indifferent father haunts many. Try to look at the problem from the other side - each person has his own point of view. Including raising children.

Your parents may have had the best intentions and truly believed they were doing the right thing. And perhaps at that moment they were right.

The child does not always remember the reason, but remembers well the pain from punishment.

Try to remember how it all started, what you did that led to punishment or a wounding offensive remark. Leave the older generation the right to make mistakes, to have their own point of view that differs from yours.

I don't want to forgive

Mom is the first person a child meets when he is born. She is the most precious creature in the world to anyone. Resentment towards the mother distorts fate. Doesn't allow me to live normally. It plunges you into a stupor, covering up all the most positive feelings that cannot break through the layer of grievances that have accumulated over the years.

Resentment towards the mother divides the inner world in half. One half of it is fair, and the other half is not. Some people you meet along the way are loved and desired, while others cause pain, resentment, and a desire to restore justice. All efforts are aimed at restoring justice and receiving such desired and once unreceived mother’s love, her praise, her positive assessment. Every day you prove to her and the world that you are the best son, daughter, husband or wife, employee, specialist and just a person with a capital “P”.

Hiding from a problem does not mean getting rid of it. You can leave home and not communicate with your mother, but the pattern of behavior that has taken root in your psyche will continue to live with you. Relationships with other people are built on the same principle. Injustice - guilt - resentment. The whole world seems treacherous. You want respect, but you get indifference. You dream of being appreciated, but you are accused and punished for mistakes, which you feel is unfair.

You cannot forgive a person through willpower. Repeating mantras about forgiveness does not allow you to get out of the rubble of the past. It brings a person back, immerses him in his inner world, forces him to live only with his own experiences, not pay attention to the present, not notice that close people also experience feelings and worry.

Unique ability to remember everything

Eight completely different characters, eight groups of innate desires and properties - eight vectors. And only one of them knows how to be truly offended.

He does everything once and for all: he gets married, gets married, chooses a profession and is offended once and for all his life. Nature created him this way. But not to suffer. Resentment is a regulator of relationships, which tells the owner of the anal vector that justice has been violated in the relationship.

The natural task of such a person is to become a real professional. Learn the subject and transfer knowledge, skills, and experience to future generations accurately, without errors. “Everything new is well forgotten old” is a saying that was invented by people with an anal vector.

He does not forget anything, remembers every detail, every word, sees any inaccuracy in everything. He not only wants with all his heart to become a real pro, but also has the qualities to do so. He wants to be respected, honored, appreciated. And if he doesn’t get what he wants, he gets offended.

Since childhood, the owner of the anal vector has been attached to his mother. He grows up as an obedient, calm and loyal child to his mother’s demands. Since childhood, he has been doing everything thoroughly, carefully and accurately trying to implement everything he has learned. He diligently brings the work he has started to the end, to the point.

Mom doesn't have much trouble with him. He will complete any task. He will do it carefully, better than anyone else, and expects his mother to praise him and rate his work as an A. And in the hustle and bustle of things she forgets about it. If she does not have an anal vector, then praise is not a value for her; she is not concerned with this method of encouragement.

Due to the difference in properties, a child with an anal vector may lack mother’s attention, praise and adequate assessment of his efforts. He is offended. Possessing by nature an excellent memory, necessary for memorizing large amounts of information, he also remembers everything bad that happened in childhood. The mother could not only not praise, but also unfairly scold, accuse the child of something that the child did not do. She could even beat and insult me. Resentment takes root in the psyche to such an extent that it does not allow one to live normally.

An adult - an offended child looks at his mother with reproach. He remembers every word spoken to him. He remembers every unfair remark and accusation of mistakes that he did not make or for which he simply could not be held responsible, since he was too young. Over time, the world for such a child becomes limited by difficult feelings. Guilt and resentment begin to rule his life. He blames his mother for his troubles and is offended. And mom either still doesn’t pay attention to him, doesn’t appreciate him, isn’t proud of him, or blames him back.

People sometimes cannot withstand such tension in relationships and try to meet less often and spend less time together. And if a small child does not have the opportunity to escape from his mother, then it is not difficult for an adult to leave, go to another city. Do not communicate with your mother at all, considering her a monster who has ruined your life.

Think about the reasons for actions

Resentment can live not only for years, but also for decades. Sometimes it seems to us that our mother or father did not support us and left us in a difficult situation. But we don’t want to think about what the reasons were. Mom didn’t visit me in the hospital, not because she didn’t care, she just had to work.

Or at that time you had a younger brother/sister who could not be left alone. Perhaps your parents remember such moments with pain and feel guilty for not being able to be with you in difficult times. Talk about it, find out the reasons for their actions.

Better late than never

Every day we solve pressing problems, overcome obstacles, struggle with circumstances and don’t even think about the fact that a small daily bit of attention towards our parents changes a lot in our lives. When mom is nearby, even if not physically, but at least in the heart, everything is surmountable.

When you think not about yourself and your problems, but about her, all obstacles themselves clear away before you.

If you feel bad, you have problems, you are in a stupor, you cannot move from a dead point, you are disappointed in life and feel hopeless - remember your mother. Ask what she needs and do your best for her. This will be the first step, the chance that life gives you to finally feel its true taste. Feel real joy.

Open your heart, overcome resistance, and you will see other feelings that were buried under a pile of grievances. An avalanche of the most incredible experiences will cover you headlong and take you to unknown worlds, where there is no pain and suffering.

If there is a gap between people, communication causes unbearable pain, it means that they have moved away from each other. Happiness comes from closeness. The closer people are to each other, emotionally, sensually, mentally, the more joy the relationship brings. We always strive to enjoy life, seek pleasant communication with people and push away those who do not allow us to rejoice and feel happy.

You can isolate yourself from strangers. But parents are not chosen. And it depends on us whether we can take communication with them to a new level. Understand each other, get close enough to feel truly close and dear.

How to get rid of resentment towards parents?

Many who face this problem have matured a long time ago and even managed to become parents themselves. However, grievances from childhood still disturb the soul. They do not allow you to build a harmonious relationship with your mother and father. Sometimes even the simplest words or gestures of parents can greatly hurt and cause feelings of anger and resentment. It is worth getting rid of negative emotions in order to avoid the eternal conflict between fathers and children in your family.

Lay down your weapons

Many people mistakenly believe that they need to defend their position to the end, bringing down anger and resentment on their parents. Before you do this, you should think about whether it is worth trying to achieve what mom and dad could not give you in previous years? What makes you think this would happen? It is extremely difficult for everyone to admit their mistakes and realize their problems. This is especially true for parents. Don't expect them to agree with you and admit their imperfections, because if they do, they will in some way devalue their lives and risk their self-esteem falling to an extremely low level.

This does not mean that you will never be able to reach mutual understanding. Psychologists advise accepting the idea that parents have their own shortcomings and stop being at enmity with them. Mom and dad are exactly the same people as the others, they tried to surround you with love and care to the best of their ability.

Don't demand the impossible

In addition, we must come to terms with the fact that parents, no matter how hard they try, cannot give us everything. As you grow older, you find people who can meet your needs. These are friends, colleagues, buddies. In addition, you need to learn how to independently provide yourself with everything you need. Of course, getting used to this idea is not so easy. The easier way is to blame the parents. This is a version of a protracted transitional age, when we demand the impossible and settle scores. It is very important not to get stuck at this age, but to move on. You need to accept the fact that you will never get what you have been waiting for or are waiting for. You need to learn to do without it. Only in this case will you be able to get rid of your grievances and problems.

Don't be afraid to fall short of expectations

Another eternal reason for quarrels and conflicts is unjustified expectations. Many parents prevent their children from choosing their own path, unconsciously pushing them towards one decision or another. Most adults are confident that they know what is best for their child. Children grow and develop under an overwhelming burden of expectations that cannot be met. It is worth understanding that you will not be able to fit the image of an ideal child in all respects; it is worth recognizing this fact and moving on on your own path.

Parents are independent people

In addition, it is worth realizing that parents are independent people who have the right to do any thing without asking for your approval. Even if these actions have a negative effect on their life and health. You must accept any of their choices and understand that no matter how hard you try, you simply won’t be able to help mom or dad without their desire. Only in this case will you be able to avoid conflicts and live in peace and harmony with your parents.

resentment will arise when others do not live up to your expectations

Criticism

Were you criticized a lot and often as a child? You are not the only one! A good part of the country grew up in this.
This is part of our culture. This is our tradition. We even give compliments while criticizing. “One nose left!”
- that’s how my aunt praised me for my successful weight loss!

Our people do not know how not to criticize. What about the child? It’s scary to over-praise him, he’ll get even prouder and become disobedient! And criticism is always in order. She will show you what is wrong and offer an option on how to fix everything.

I still hear how my grandmother criticizes my mother, how my mother-in-law criticizes her husband... We are always children to our parents, at any age. And they will criticize us (for the purpose of education = improvement) for a long time.

We have no choice but to accept that this is a habit of society. But you can raise children in other conditions. They will do the same with their babies. And it’s great if the era of children who grew up in love and compliments soon appears!