How to forgive your husband's betrayal: advice from a psychologist; what to do if your loved one cheated

Unfortunately, many women in their lives are faced with a situation where their husband has someone else.
It is extremely difficult to survive such a betrayal: the wife is overcome by anger and resentment, she is disappointed in her spouse and in herself, and an inferiority complex arises. But at the same time, many women strive to save their family and think about how to forgive their husband’s betrayal. But is it really possible to forget this sad episode of life together and save the relationship, and what needs to be done for this? This is discussed in our article. From this article you will learn:

Why do husbands cheat?
How to forgive your husband's betrayal and move on with him?
What signs can be used to determine whether your husband is cheating?
What should you not do after your husband cheats?
When should you not forgive your husband's infidelity?
What to do after a breakup due to cheating?

Why do husbands cheat?

In each specific situation, a variety of reasons can lead to betrayal. Conventionally, they can be divided into several categories:

Boredom and monotony.
When a man is married, there is only one woman in his intimate life - his wife. Day after day, nothing changes in bed, and he wants to try something new. In general, dissatisfaction with sex life is one of the most common reasons that push husbands to infidelity. This is due to the fact that satisfaction of sexual desires is one of the basic needs of every man.
You can have regular and varied sex with one partner, and for many years. But for this, both husband and wife must be interested in mutual satisfaction of sexual needs. The key to maintaining fidelity in the family is the ability to discuss pent-up grievances and the willingness to work to resolve problems.
Self-affirmation and competition.
A man may need a new partner in order to assert himself and get rid of certain complexes that his wife instills in him. From time immemorial, the meaning of men’s lives has been victories and conquests, for the sake of which they are ready to fight both circumstances and rivals. The need of the stronger sex to stand out and show their best side is one of the forces thanks to which the world moves forward. Most of the incredible discoveries and inventions that have made our lives better appeared only thanks to this irrepressible desire of men to be the first in everything. But this same desire to be convinced of their superiority often pushes men to commit adultery. We are talking about a situation when a wife, for some reason, ceases to be a symbol of self-affirmation for her husband, and he raises his self-esteem on the side. What exactly is the factor for a man that helps him feel at his best is an individual question. For some, the wife’s appearance comes first, for others, her intellectual abilities and talents come first; for some, it is important to receive moral support from their wife. In other words, a woman must understand that she is the one who contributes to her husband’s self-affirmation, and work on it.
Wife's indifference.
Everyone is familiar with the situation when, over the years, a woman begins to have headaches more and more often, especially at moments when a man hints at intimacy. It is a rare husband who will try to understand his wife’s indifference: he is more likely to find a mistress to satisfy his desires.
There is no coincidence in values.
Each person can name a number of qualities that he especially values in his soulmate. This could be beauty and the ability to take care of yourself, a positive attitude and the ability to support in difficult times, a sense of humor, common interests and outlook on life. Think: do you know what feminine qualities are most valuable to your husband? Can you name at least a few with confidence? If you are confident in your answer, as well as in your compliance with these values, it is worth looking for another reason for cheating. But, as a rule, understanding each other's values and the desire to live up to them is a sign of a deep, mature relationship. It often happens that spouses do not know each other very well, rarely talk about their dreams and experiences - and as a result have a poor understanding of these very values.
Human needs have an extraordinary property: if a person does not satisfy them with his conscious actions, then the subconscious comes into play and finds its own way to realize them. For example, if you feel a lack of warmth and care from loved ones, but do not ask them for it directly, a psychosomatic illness may occur. This is how the body takes a step towards satisfying its needs, because those around a sick person always show special attention and try to take care of him without any requests. However, you will have to pay for these emotions with your own well-being.
It’s the same with a man’s needs in a relationship: they will be satisfied in any case, either by his wife or by another woman. And, of course, it is in the wife’s interests to know about all the sexual and emotional needs of her partner and do everything to fulfill them. To do this, you need to build a relationship on trust, communicate openly with your spouse and be interested in his needs.
Read also: He will soon blush: what to do if your husband constantly lies to you
Lack of energy.
Men and women naturally have different energy levels: a woman always has energy that she can share with others. A man, in order to receive this energy, needs intimacy with the opposite sex. At the same time, a woman is determined to give her energy to only one man - her husband. She perceives this man as her only partner, since she chose him as the father of her children. For men, everything is different: they can easily use several sources of energy at the same time, that is, have relationships with several women if one does not satisfy their needs. This is why it is so difficult to maintain mutual fidelity in family relationships: for this, a woman must constantly and to the required extent share her energy with a man so that he does not need to look for it on the side.

Reasons that push men to cheat

There are many reasons that push men into the arms of their mistresses. If women cheat due to lack of attention or revenge, then the stronger sex has more motives. Let's look at the most common ones.

READ Is a kiss cheating or a manifestation of tender feelings for another person?

Sexual dissatisfaction

It is important for any man that his physical needs are met; he is very attracted to variety in the intimate sphere. If he doesn’t get this in marriage, he will start looking outside. Often a woman is faced with the problem of how to forgive her beloved husband’s betrayal and move on with her life. In this situation, it is also interesting whether it is possible to ensure that the sexual needs of partners in marriage are fully satisfied, and thoughts of betrayal do not arise.

If you work together on your relationship, you can achieve this. It is important that the husband and wife are interested in a happy life together and try to constantly maintain passion in the relationship.

Incompatibility of life guidelines

Everyone has a set of values that determine their way of life. It’s great when a husband and wife have common aspirations, work together to resolve issues, and support each other in times of difficulty.

There are situations when a man demands something from his wife, for example, to take care of her appearance, maintain order at home, respect him, not to be rude, but the woman does not strive to fulfill these demands or is simply unable to do it. Then the husband begins to get angry and look for a companion who will listen to him more, or try to annoy his wife by cheating.

Need for self-affirmation

All men are born leaders.
They are interested in relationships when they need to win a partner and fight for her. If a girl already belongs to a man, then he loses interest in her and begins to switch to other goals - winning computer games, fishing, other women. READ Loyalty check: effective methods of exposure

Boredom and monotony

There are often cases when we start to get bored in a relationship. This is especially true for couples who have been living together for a long time. It seems that we have studied our partner inside and out and will no longer learn anything new about him. It is especially difficult for men in such a situation, because they are polygamous and do not want to constantly be in the same “swamp”.

To prevent relationships from being ruined by the appearance of a third party, girls need to try to introduce something new into them. Feel the man’s mood, help him maintain an optimistic attitude and interest in you. Notice when you should play along with your loved one, and when you need to calm him down in a difficult situation.

Know how to step aside in time if your husband wants to be alone.

How to forgive your husband's betrayal: advice from a psychologist

Whether to forgive your husband’s infidelity is an important question that needs to be decided soberly. To prevent your actions from being driven by emotions, you need to get rid of them. Some people find breaking dishes soothing, but a home set may not be enough. It’s better to turn to true friends who will listen and support you. It happens that you have to repeat the story several times so that the offense recedes into the background. There are several other ways to express your emotions:

listen to music at high volume;
go for a walk or jog, do exercises;
do something useful that will capture your full attention.

What to do if you are not yet sure whether you need to forgive your husband’s infidelity? The psychologist’s opinion is this: at first, try not to throw out your anger on your spouse. Insulting him with the last words, you only increase the distance between you.

There is no single correct answer to the question of whether it is worth forgiving your husband’s infidelity. If this happened once, you might want to think about rebuilding your relationship. To prevent emotions from interfering with your reasoning, use the “empty chair” method. Imagine that your spouse is sitting in front of you and tell him everything you think.

Despite the fact that in reality your husband will not hear this, you will feel better. And at the same time, the likelihood of a new conflict, which will inevitably lead to divorce, will become less.

Accept what happened.
When you have already spoken out and got rid of strong anger, you need to realize the situation and accept the fact that your husband cheated on you. No matter what you think or do, what happened cannot be undone. Now you need to think about the future: can you forgive your spouse and save your family? If you want this, then you will have to live through all your pain and let go. Yes, your family is going through hard times. But if you are both ready to work on yourself and move forward, a future together is quite possible.
Make your husband repent.
A cheating man can seriously claim that you are to blame for his actions: your coldness, lack of attention to him, conservatism in sex, and so on. And although the spouse’s attitude is certainly an important factor in the issue of infidelity, you still shouldn’t shift the blame onto your own shoulders. Your husband is an adult who must be aware of his actions and be ready to answer for them. You can forgive your husband’s betrayal only if it is an isolated case, and only if he sincerely repents. If the spouse does not see his fault in what happened, and even more so puts pressure on your pity, you can hardly hope that in the future he will not repeat the betrayal.
Frank dialogue.
Cheating is different: sometimes it is a long-term and conscious relationship with another woman, and sometimes it is a fleeting obsession, after which the man himself cannot believe what he has done. In such cases, the man tries with all his might to save the family and do everything so that his wife forgives him. In many cases, adultery is the fault of not only the man, but also the woman. If your husband has a mistress, you should first look at yourself: at your appearance, character and behavior. And it’s best to have a heart-to-heart talk with your spouse and find out what exactly prompted him to have a mistress. The main thing is to remain calm and tune in to a constructive dialogue. A heart-to-heart conversation will help you identify the problems in the relationship that made cheating possible in the first place.
If you behave aggressively, the man will become defensive, and there will be no talk of any sincerity or trust. However, a calm conversation in many cases helps, if not to save the relationship, then at least not to part as enemies. Naturally, if betrayal happened once, no one guarantees that it will not happen again. A man will have to make every effort so that his wife can not only forgive, but also trust him again. The woman, in turn, should explain what secret calls and late returns home look like for her, so that the man can see his behavior through her eyes.
Read also: How to check your wife for infidelity and not give away your suspicions?
Remember the good times.
If betrayal occurs in a family, usually the woman cannot forget about it for a very long time and simply becomes fixated on the negative. But there were good moments in the married life that you are trying to preserve, right? Try to return those positive emotions that you experienced earlier. If a wife wants to forgive her husband’s betrayal, she should turn her attention to the positive aspects of her husband and the joy that her family gives her. Remember all the virtues of your husband, all the situations in which he helped you and behaved like a true protector of the family. This will help you forgive the pain that betrayal caused you.
Separate living.
It is extremely difficult to live under the same roof after you found out about your husband’s affair on the side. To come to your senses and sort out your feelings, it’s worth living separately for a while. Living separately will help you not only calm down, but also realize the value of your relationship with your husband and, perhaps, forgive him.
New hobbies.
New hobbies are what you need so that negativity leaves your heart as soon as possible. If you have free time, you can spend it on something useful and interesting to you. A good solution would be sports: exercise will benefit the body, and fatigue will help relieve stress. Apartment renovation, drawing, dancing - any activity that makes you happy will do. Communication with people, active activity and positive emotions distract us from sad thoughts and help us understand that, despite problems, life still goes on.
Take care of the children.
Children are our continuation and the meaning of our lives. Even in the most difficult situations, they give us the strength to move on. Therefore, during this difficult period for the family, try to spend more time with your children: not only you, but they also need support now more than ever.
Increase self-esteem.
Cheating on a husband can seriously undermine a woman’s self-esteem, especially if she was already not up to par. Shopping, visiting beauty salons, and, of course, socializing in fun companies where you can feel male attention will help you regain your sense of attractiveness.
Self-esteem and self-confidence must be maintained in any way. Ask a loved one to tell you about your strengths. Write down all the good things that others say about you, and then re-read these notes.
You can't be jealous.
How to forgive your husband after cheating? First of all, it is necessary to eliminate jealousy. This feeling will not allow you to trust a man in the future, so it is important to understand the reasons for what happened and leave this situation in the past.
Help from a psychotherapist.
Sometimes you can only deal with personal problems with the help of a specialist. A psychotherapist is able to assess the situation impartially and give advice on whether to forgive her husband’s infidelity. If you are determined to save your family, he will also give you recommendations on how to push the negativity into the background, restore normal self-esteem and return the former harmony to the relationship.
Expectation.
Don't try to end the relationship as soon as possible. After some time, the pain and resentment will subside, and you will be able to say with confidence whether you want to forgive your husband and move on with him. In any case, you should not start a conflict over and over again and remind your husband about what happened: this will not make anyone better.

What to do if you have a common child?

common child

Going through a divorce from your husband is always difficult, but it becomes even harder if you and your spouse have a child together.

After a divorce, the child will suffer no less than the mother, and in some situations, children even more acutely suffer the breakdown of relations between their parents.

To improve your condition, as well as the condition of your child, you need to study and incorporate the following rules into your life:

There is no need to lie to your child. Psychologists say that under no circumstances should you lie to your child about the current situation. Children are very intuitive and are able to recognize lies several times faster than an adult. That is why a child should know the truth and not think that his father is an astronaut or a sailor. Immediately after the divorce, you need to explain to your son or daughter as simply as possible the reason why his parents will no longer live together;
There is no need to forbid a child to communicate with his father. No matter how offended you are with your husband after the divorce, you must understand that for normal development a child needs to communicate with both his mother and father. The parents' spending will upset the child, but after this his love for his parents will not decrease. A ban on communication may hurt your husband, but the child may receive serious psychological trauma from this;
You should answer all, even the most unpleasant, questions of the child. Each son’s question, for example, about his father, must be given a clear and truthful answer. Also, psychologists categorically prohibit women from discussing or insulting their ex-husband in the presence of a child. Because of this, the child may begin to hate his father and, as a result, receive psychological trauma.

If you live without following the above rules, then as the child grows up, he will become more and more complex and resentful of the world around him.

The best solution is to discuss the entire current situation with the child in the presence of his father. It is necessary to convey to him that even after the divorce, his father and mother love him equally and are always ready to support him.

Is it possible to forgive my husband's betrayal?

Women who have experienced adultery often wonder: is it possible to truly forgive a husband for “going to the left”, do it sincerely and move on with his life without remembering the bad moments? Psychologists say that there is such a possibility, and everything depends only on how the woman looks at this situation. It is almost impossible to save a family if you treat your husband’s affair as a betrayal.

It is much easier to forgive your spouse if you look at it as a mistake. Naturally, for this, the man himself must repent of what happened, completely distance himself from his mistress and support his wife in everything. Only two spouses can revive their relationship and save the marriage.

However, immediately telling your husband that you understand that he simply stumbled is also a big mistake. A man must realize his guilt and earn your forgiveness. Therefore, those women who do not turn a blind eye to the fact of betrayal do the right thing.

If you forgive your husband’s infidelity immediately, as if nothing had happened, there is a high probability that the infidelity will continue. The husband will decide that there is nothing special in his behavior and will continue his adventures until the family falls apart completely. There is no need to create scandals, but it is necessary to explain what emotions you experience in this situation and what this can lead to.

Not every woman can forgive her husband’s betrayal. If you are truly ready to work on your relationship and never return to the past, feel free to take your husband back. But if you know that you will never forget your spouse’s affair and the memories will poison your life together, it is better to get a divorce and start your life again with another person.

How to forgive your husband's betrayal and move on with him

Forgiving the betrayal of a loved one is a difficult task. A woman will need a lot of strength, endurance and wisdom to cope with her emotions, survive this moment and save her family, naturally, with the support of her husband.

In some situations, after betrayal, a certain reboot occurs in the relationship, the husband and wife begin to treat each other differently, and the marriage becomes even stronger than before.

Try not to blame anyone for what happened. After betrayal, the situation in the family is already not the calmest, and there is no need to aggravate it. Having decided to forgive your husband and move on with him, promise yourself to never think about this incident at all. Your husband must understand for himself how low he acted and how offended you are now. A wise attitude would be to look at your husband's strengths rather than his weaknesses. Your spouse will appreciate your attitude towards him and every day he will become more and more aware of how stupid his mistake was.

Try to also control your suspicion. When the fact of betrayal has become known, you, of course, will see signs of the presence of another woman everywhere. But if you react to your husband’s five-minute lateness with a scandal, the relationship will not last long. It is unlikely that you will be able to never remember the pain that your loved one caused you. But in the name of preserving your love, you need to control yourself.

After betrayal, it is difficult not only to forgive your husband and begin to trust him again, but also to resume your intimate life. Every time a woman makes love to her husband, she has a picture before her eyes of him caressing another. But if you decide to save your family, then you will also have to go through this, since it cannot exist without sexual relations. Try not to withdraw into yourself, but also do not try with all your might to prove to your spouse that you are better than others at sex. Focus on the fact that he is still with you, and remember: time will heal all wounds.

How should a husband behave after his betrayal?

You will have to explain to your husband that he will also have to make efforts to maintain your relationship after cheating:

First of all, the husband must cut off all ties with his mistress. If the affair continues on the side, then there is no point in fighting to save the marriage.
Forgiving your husband is not enough; you also need to understand what problems caused his betrayal and solve them. Most likely, your spouse was not happy with something in your relationship, particularly in sex. You can try something new, such as role-playing games. To provide a sense of variety in bed, a woman can appear in different ways.
It’s great if a man agrees to share household chores with you. This way he will be able to devote his time to his family and will think less about how to relax on the side. This will also help him appreciate your contribution to your common life and understand how much you do for your happiness together.

The husband should get used to telling his wife about all his expenses. This way it will be much easier for her to forgive her husband’s betrayal, because she will be sure that now the family budget is not spent on another woman.

It is advisable for a man to tell his wife the password for his phone and for all pages on social networks. The point is not that his wife will now monitor his messages every day. It’s just that the beloved will forgive her husband faster and begin to trust him if he shows that he no longer has anything to hide.

How to forgive and move on: step-by-step instructions

Understanding the reasons for male infidelity is, of course, very important. This will help prevent a repeat of an unpleasant situation in your life. But when you are faced with betrayal face to face, you really want someone to tell you what to do next. Advice from a psychologist will help you survive a difficult situation. There are several stages that couples go through to restore trust and harmony in the relationship.

READ What to do to prevent your husband from cheating: psychological techniques and esoteric methods

Step 1: Acceptance and Forgiveness

Before deciding whether you can forgive your husband’s infidelity, try to accept the situation that happened—don’t deny or be afraid of it. Give yourself time to calm down and then talk to the man. Find out why he cheated. If your spouse is also interested in preserving the family, he will be sincere with you.

Sometimes men talk about the situation very superficially: “I don’t know what came over me,” “I was drunk, I didn’t control myself.” Don't believe these excuses. There will always be a deeper reason for infidelity, it lies in your relationship. If you don't deal with this, similar situations will repeat.

When you sense your spouse's reluctance to discuss a problem, do not put pressure on him, but continue the conversation. This is important, because until you understand the reason for the situation and work through it, everything will repeat itself. Then you won’t be able to forget your husband’s betrayal.

What not to do after your husband cheats

People who live together become very close over time, learning to understand and feel each other on an intuitive level. But after betrayal, it is very difficult to get rid of mutual accusations and regain former intimacy.

If cheating has occurred, the wife should not pretend that she instantly forgave and forgot everything. Women often keep their emotions inside to keep their family together, but sooner or later the unexpressed feelings will still come out.
Refrain from ultimatums and threats. Don't scare your husband by taking away your children or committing suicide. Such behavior will only completely ruin the relationship between you.
Don't try to erase what happened from your memory. Such memories don’t just go away, and you have to come to terms with it. If a man considers cheating a mistake and is willing to work on your relationship, then you will be able to forgive him over time. It’s another matter if the partner cheated because he had no feelings left. In this case, no matter how hard you try to save your family, warmth and romance will not return to you.
Don't take revenge on your spouse. Revenge in such cases does not bring any satisfaction; on the contrary, you will be ashamed that you could only respond to evil with evil. Whether you forgive your husband or not is up to you, but you definitely shouldn’t act as vilely as he did.

As already mentioned, a woman usually needs time to calm down and understand whether it is worth forgiving her husband’s infidelity. While you are trying to understand yourself, avoid rash actions:

Don't date your rival. Some women really want to look their homewrecker in the eyes and express all their anger to her. But regardless of whether you decide to save the family or get a divorce, such a meeting will not give you anything. Think about whether you want to humiliate yourself in this way in the eyes of your spouse and his mistress.
Don't threaten. The first thing that comes to the mind of a deceived woman is to hurt the man by prohibiting him from meeting the child. But you must remember that in this way you will first of all harm the child by depriving him of his father. Other threats (suicide, damage to property, etc.) are also useless.

The husband does not understand and does not see a problem in his betrayal.

The husband does not understand and does not see a problem in his betrayal. Every day I work with women who tell me something like this: “My husband cheated on me. I have in my hands irrefutable evidence of his connection with a specific mistress. (Sometimes even photographs of illegitimate children). I have already talked to him about this. He admitted that he has an affair. But at the same time he told me: “You shouldn’t have started digging through my dirty laundry! I lived quietly for five to ten years of our marriage... I didn’t go anywhere. And everything was fine. Okay: now you know... Well, what next? What will you do with this information? Do you want to leave and file for divorce? So go away and serve. You know my character: I won’t run after you and persuade you to come back. At the same time, keep in mind: I personally am not going to do anything! Everything suits me: I have a family, housing, children are growing up. I love children, I don’t plan to leave anywhere. I advise you not to bother yourself with all this nonsense. Look around: every second man around you cheats, many have illegitimate children. Well, yes: I’m the same as everyone else. At the same time, I am no worse than most, many are even better: I feed you, take care of you, communicate with the children. Therefore, I sincerely advise you: try to forget about what you learned there, secretly getting into my pockets and into my phone. Remember: my adventures do not threaten our marriage! They would gradually end by themselves, you wouldn’t even know about them. Moreover: you yourself are partly to blame for my betrayal, since our sex is rare and insipid, you look unimportant, there is nothing to talk about with you. So, live as if nothing happened and you will be happy! If you continue to dig under me and make trouble, blame yourself: then I will actually leave the family. And you will be to blame for everything! And then I’ll tell the children this: Mom herself abandoned Dad, made sure he left... Just sit and think about all this! My last word: let's live as if nothing happened and there won't be any problems! Pretend that you don’t know anything, like you did before, and everything will be fine! I promise!"

When wives, who have learned about their husband’s infidelity, are faced with his “reinforced concrete” position, when the husband not only does not apologize and does not try to reconcile, but also launches a counterattack, they usually fall into a stupor: they do not know what to do, they begin to panic . This is where many female mistakes arise. Some wives begin to dirty insult their husbands and raise their hands against them. In this case, the husbands actually leave. Other wives leave on their own in anger and haste. Most often, without preparing your departure in any way: without resolving the issue of housing, where they will live; not having a job; not having enough money for the first time; without enlisting the support of relatives and friends; without resolving technical issues with registration, kindergartens and schools for children, etc. In both the first and second cases, it usually ends in an offensive defeat for the woman. Wives are forced to return to their husbands themselves; they feel unpleasant and ashamed. As a result, they begin to constantly quarrel with their husbands, the psychological situation in the family becomes unbearable and... the man, with his head held high, goes to his mistress on previously prepared ground.

Those women who are completely dependent on their husband housing and financially, do not have a job with a decent income, are forced to accept the rules of the game that are imposed on them by their cheating husband. They remain silent and endure. As they themselves say: “For the sake of the children.” This scheme usually does not have a bright future either. Wives who are offended to the depths of their souls accumulate irritation, the intimate life in the couple is completely destroyed, the atmosphere in the couple is cold. As a result, a mega-scandal still occurs. Then, either the woman leaves her husband, or the husband leaves his wife, or the wife breaks down completely morally, silently lives with her husband for the sake of the children, develops psychosomatic diseases, quietly fades away and dies.

As you understand, being a family psychologist, I consider all these scenarios unacceptable! We are not in ancient times: in the 21st century you cannot insult the human dignity of women and men, you cannot live together in humiliation - this discredits the very institution of the family and sets a bad example for growing children.

To help wives in this difficult situation, you need to understand that this can only happen if the woman eliminates the main causes of such an unpleasant family situation. Apart from stories where the wife herself was always a scandalous bitch and tormented her husband with hysterics without any fault on his part, or she cheated on him with other men, or never supported him and held back his growth in life, there are seven reasons for such impudent behavior of cheating husbands :

7 reasons that the husband does not understand and does not see a problem in his infidelity:

1.The wife’s hands are simply tied by the presence of small children, she simply has no other choice but to hold on to her husband with both hands, even if he is problematic and unfaithful: if only he was in principle, fed and was there in case of any problems with the children. This is especially true if we are talking not about marriage but about cohabitation.

2.The wife herself is timid and cowardly, afraid of everything, and easily submits to pressure and pressure from her husband.

3.The wife is either not very educated or simply does not know how to conduct an argument and discussion, does not know what arguments to oppose to her husband, who is experienced in verbal struggle.

4.The wife really neglected herself, became uninteresting in appearance, and her husband stopped valuing her.

5. The wife is conservative and has little initiative in family intimacy, and is not of interest as a partner.

6.The wife fundamentally does not want to work, is unable to earn a living, deliberately dooming herself to the role of a “financial hostage - kept woman” of her “master husband”, making him the sole dominant despot.

7.The wife took little interest in her husband’s life, knows nothing about his work and interests, and is completely useless to him in all this: she cannot help in overcoming any problems, cannot give advice or even carry on a conversation.

I’ll skip option No. 1 with small children for now, since this reason for female passivity when her husband cheats is a valid one. Although I always say: if a woman with small children, who has caught her husband cheating and is faced with his coldness and cruelty, has somewhere to go - to her parents, etc., it is best to do just that. The main thing is that the woman does not return to her husband herself, but has the patience to wait until he himself enters into dialogue and admits that he is wrong. Practice clearly shows that 99% of guilty men, despite such persistent behavior of their wife, still give up and realize the immorality of their own behavior.

Option #2 is usually directly related to option #1 or options #3-#7. So I’ll skip it and move on to option #3.

Option #3. Men traditionally consider themselves very smart and logical . But, alas, they are not always able to realize that their arguments are distorted. For example, they think: “I cheated a long time ago, my wife didn’t know about it, but everything was fine in the family. This means that the wife just needs to continue not to know about it. Or pretend that she doesn’t know about it!” At the same time, the husband does not understand that he is simply replacing the basis, which is an error in logic.

Let me give you a clear example . A certain man writes an explanation to the police after a drunken fight: “Today my friends and I went to the bathhouse. As usual, we took alcohol with us and drank it. Then a fight broke out between us and the police arrived. I made the right conclusion for myself: I won’t go to the bathhouse anymore!” You see - an erroneous replacement of the main cause of the event: the reason for the fight is not the bathhouse at all, but alcohol, but the man stubbornly does not see this, and in this situation, the husband does not understand.

Therefore, I always tell wives and cheating men in consultations: The counterargument to the thesis “if you don’t like it, don’t look at it, because I haven’t seen it before and everything was fine, although something outrageous was going on, it sounds like this. “Imagine that you felt generally good and did not suspect anything bad. But during a routine medical examination, you were diagnosed with a tumor or a blood test for tumor markers showed that you have cancer (AIDS, hepatitis, diabetes, etc. I emphasize: nothing terrible has happened to you yet! According to the logic that cheating husbands voice ", suggesting that wives who have learned about this continue to live as before, having learned about oncology, they need to do absolutely nothing! Firstly, theoretically, the disease can go away on its own. Secondly, doctors could make an erroneous diagnosis. Thirdly, Since your health is good, then you just need to be as usual until serious problems with your well-being begin, and then you’ll have to deal with it further as problems arise." How do you like this logic? It’s exactly the same as for men who offer their wives, who have learned about their spouse’s infidelity, to live on as if nothing had happened. But, you and I understand: all 100% of adequate people will no longer be able to live as if they knew nothing, and in a panic they will rush to the doctors for help!

Or another example: “You regularly use your car. The car drives great. But this morning you discovered a large puddle of some kind of technical auto fluid under the hood - oil or tasol. And this puddle is clearly yours! At the same time, the car started and drove as usual. In principle, you can drive further without bothering yourself with this puddle and without visiting a car service center. But again: all reasonable people will try to get to a car service center as quickly as possible, and the most adequate ones will not even drive this car, but will load it into a tow truck, or start adding the necessary fluids to it immediately on the spot.

That is, using these and similar examples, it is important to convey to the husband that one of the features of the consciousness of a reasonable person is that, having learned about something bad, he cannot remain unchanged! His behavior will definitely change, and in the direction of overcoming the identified problem. This is fine. It’s just as normal as apologizing for mistakes you’ve made!

In general, you need to give your husband these or similar clear examples. As a last resort, ask: “Do I understand you correctly: if I sleep with another man, and everything will be fine with us as a couple, but you find out about it, then you will also not change your attitude towards me and your behavior? » Practice shows: when a wife does not scream in hysterics, but is able to argue with her husband using clear examples, cheating men find themselves backed up against the wall, still apologize for what they did, begin to conduct a respectful dialogue, and the woman saves not only her face, but also family.

Regarding points No. 4-No. 7 . Within the scope of this short article, I will not reveal all this. You can read my books such as “If your husband cheated or left, and you want to return him back to the family”, “How to assess the strength of your marriage”, “Familyquakes”. Everything is described in detail in them. Now I will say the following: If a cheating husband openly puts moral pressure on his wife, who is completely financially dependent on himself, demanding that, having learned about the betrayal, she behave in the usual way, except for the points described above, I always advise women the following: “It is necessary to analyze your own behavior and find and correct your family or women's mistakes. They definitely exist. Then you need to CONSIDERABLY improve your feminine image: go in for sports and improve your figure; make your wardrobe and your image more vibrant; cook delicious and varied food every day; make the interior of the apartment more interesting, clean better; invest money and attention in children so that they become more well-groomed and successful; take some courses; try to find or change a job to a more financially promising one. And also, if possible, save money in case the husband leaves the family or if he suddenly decides to “train” his wife with a financial deficit. At the same time, do not take the initiative to have sex with your husband (there is no need to humiliate yourself), but do not refuse him. Moreover, if a wife goes to preserve or restore intimacy with her cheating husband, this intimacy should be more vibrant and varied. Otherwise, he will only confirm that his husband is right. But, most importantly: DO NOT SCANDAL about your husband’s infidelity and do not make a scandal at all.

Practice shows: such obviously DEMONSTRATIONAL behavior of a wife, when she is clearly getting better, but does not make a scandal, necessarily begins to be interpreted by the husband as a hidden preparation of a woman for betrayal, leaving and divorce. Sooner or later (usually within a month) the husband himself will talk about it and ask about the reasons for his wife’s behavior. Moreover, in many cases, it is precisely this behavior of the wife that triggers in the head of the cheating husband the logic from the famous fairy tale “You need such a cow yourself” and even a sense of conscience. And in the dialogue that begins, his wife will answer him something like this: “I follow your instructions exactly. I pretend that nothing happened and improve my own family behavior. But I want to notice to you: After all, you even paid attention to the fact that I am getting better! And at the same time, he wanted me not to react in any way to what I learned about the deterioration of your behavior in marriage! I hope you understand me..."

In most situations, seeing exactly this - the reasoned and correct behavior of a wife in such a difficult situation as her husband’s infidelity without an apology on his part, the men will still have reason and conscience, after which a frank conversation follows, an apology and correction of the husband’s behavior to a greater extent. the right side. Of course, despite the fact that the family structure as a whole, including the behavior of the spouse, is subject to adjustment.

Actually, that's all. This topic, as mentioned above, is covered in more detail in my books on this topic, which can be purchased on the website zberovski.ru or in bookstores.

However, this is described in great detail in my books: “13 ways to overcome the crisis of a love relationship”, “How to assess the strength of your marriage”, “Sharp corners of young families”, “Stories of a family psychologist”.

You can also purchase the Complete Works of Andrei Zberovsky from 17 e-books

I am included in the ranking of the best psychologists in Russia for 2020 https://xn—-dtbbbhscewqobbiixl5d.xn--p1ai/currenttop100.asp

Watch my video tips on the YouTube channel https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCk9BXpLyqjPVfXTJHoA2B7g?view_as=subscriber

If you or your married couple need help, I will be happy to give advice from family psychologist Zberovsky in a personal (in Moscow) or online consultation (via Skype, Viber, WhatsApp or telephone).

Sign up for a personal or online consultation by phone: +7926633520

Sincerely, family psychologist, doctor of science, professor Andrey Zberovsky

When you shouldn't forgive your husband's cheating

There are several situations in which forgiving your husband's infidelity will most likely be a mistake:

The betrayal was repeated. Regular “trips to the left” indicate that after the first time the man did not feel ashamed, and in the affair he found more advantages than disadvantages for himself.
I cheated with different women. If a man is able, while married, to change his lovers like gloves, most likely, fidelity is not a priority for him at all.
The husband does not admit guilt. When a wife finds undeniable evidence of infidelity, but the man continues to deny it and come up with ridiculous excuses until the last moment, this is a reason to think about breaking up the relationship. This behavior suggests that the man does not repent of his actions and is ready to cheat further.
The husband blames his wife for everything. Instead of taking responsibility for his own actions, he will repeat that his wife’s coldness, her inability to take care of herself, and rare and boring sex led to the betrayal. In a word, he will try to shift all the blame onto your shoulders.

If your loved one behaves this way, you should not expect that his attitude towards you and your family will change for the better. In such cases, a more reasonable solution would be divorce.

What to do after a breakup

If a woman still could not forgive the betrayal of her husband, she will face many difficulties. The breakdown of family relationships promises her everyday problems, pain, and, of course, a feeling of loneliness.

The main advice in such a situation is not to close yourself off from the world. Give your all to your work and focus on building your career, and don't forget about your family and friends.

During this period, your spouse can seriously ruin your life, trying to restore the relationship that he himself destroyed. If you have finally decided that you cannot forgive your husband’s betrayal and want to move on without him, it is advisable to cut off all contacts. This situation will be especially difficult for women with children: since the father has the right to communicate with the child, you will have to somehow maintain communication with your ex-spouse.

Try not to follow your husband’s lead when he presses for pity and begs you to forgive him.