Women are often blamed for their own husbands' infidelity. There is an opinion that representatives of the fair sex should give all possible and impossible forces to prevent their loved one from leaving. But not everyone thinks so. In order to maintain a harmonious family hearth, men, as well as women, are required to adhere to a list of certain rules.
What to do if your spouse still decides to cheat and commits betrayal? After all, it is extremely difficult to continue living together after such a shame. Not all women know how to forgive their husband’s betrayal; advice from a psychologist will help them find the right way out of the situation. In the article you will have the opportunity to find out what experts think about this topic.
How to forgive your husband's betrayal and move on with your life
Naturally, resentment will remain in your soul. Only time will heal it, but the process can be made faster. For example, contact a family psychologist. They tell their clients about how to forgive their husbands almost every day. After all, first of all, this problem lives inside.
Your husband has corrected himself, he is with you and will not go anywhere. Now you should also take a decisive step and forget your husband’s betrayal. Just take it and forget it. Experienced astropsychologists will tell you what to do and how to continue living.
Not every one of you can pretend as if nothing happened. But believe me, when punishing a husband, you should not throw out your anger on your spouse, but you should make sure that the husband blames himself.
After you start to come to your senses, if you still love him and he crawls in front of you and asks for forgiveness, forgive him. Anyone can stumble in this life, including you. Women are ready to do anything for the sake of their family. After all, someone else’s man doesn’t need your children. Who, if not the husband, will also pamper and love them. It is worth forgiving in a family.
If your heart is breaking with pain and you don’t know how to forgive your husband’s betrayal, try to talk calmly together and discuss everything down to the smallest detail. Don't interrupt him while he is explaining. After all, maybe your husband will tell you something that you didn’t even suspect, and only the two of you can decide.
But even despite this, you should not show that you feel guilty and are ready to forgive him. Stay neutral. To continue the entire conversation, ask yourself one single question: “What can I do to save my family?”
How to live after your husband's betrayal
The question of how to forgive your husband’s betrayal is, of course, difficult. Not everyone can forgive her husband for going left, but a wise woman can overcome everything in order to save her family. The main thing here is that your husband understands you and changes the situation with you.
Many women, some time after their husband’s betrayal, claim that after she forgave him, a new round of relationships appeared in the family, which became even stronger.
The next step for you will be to remember only the positive moments. It is worth reminding more often why you fell in love with each other, how many pleasant moments there were and how many problems you two have already endured.
Remember your holidays and the birth of children, weddings and happy birthdays. In a word, so that after your stories a smile and nostalgia appear on your face.
Don't blame each other and don't blame each other. This will only worsen your already difficult state of mind. If you have finally decided to forgive your husband’s betrayal, then try not to remind about this incident at all.
Your husband is also an adult and he himself understands that he acted disrespectfully towards you. And if you act like a wise wife and say day after day how wonderful he is, then he will understand that he recently almost lost his dearest person. And believe me, he will not change again.
It is worth noting that a woman who has suffered from her husband’s betrayal, even after reconciliation, constantly expresses her suspicion towards her husband. Be careful here, because excessive vigilance will only destroy everything that you managed to achieve after reconciliation.
It is, of course, clear that returning your husband to the family does not mean forgetting everything, but you should control yourself and not remind him of this under any circumstances.
Another problem that women face after their husband cheats is sex. Of course, it is unpleasant to make love if you know for sure that your husband has caressed another woman. You are thinking about how to completely forgive your husband for cheating, but your husband is not happy either.
Whatever one may say, all family life is built on intimacy and respect for each other. Therefore, you should not withdraw into yourself or, conversely, prove to your husband that you are better than his mistress in sex. You are certainly better off if your husband is with you and not with her. And all grievances will certainly be healed by time.
Should betrayal be forgiven?
Cheating is a very painful topic for most men and women. Of course, when they cheat on them, and not vice versa. When it’s the other way around, it can be anything: entertainment, a way to diversify your sexual and emotional life, an opportunity to be convinced of your attractiveness and sexual relevance, to break the restrictions and boundaries of everyday life, to feel a cheerful permissiveness. Finally, given the danger of being exposed, even an extreme adventure gives a dose of adrenaline. The effect is something like skydiving.
However, for the deceived party, the betrayal of a loved one is always a colossal stress. In our country, approximately a quarter of all divorces are related to adultery. Among both men and women, an almost endangered species are those who are able not to feel resentment, anger, rage and deep humiliation over the revealed fact of their other half’s infidelity. Whether to forgive infidelity is a question that people answer very differently. This depends both on the psycho-emotional relationship in the couple and on the type of betrayal.
A threat to marriage, or an annoying sin?
Psychologists identify several types of adultery, among which the most common are casual sexual relationships, regular erotic adventures and long-term, sometimes many-year, extramarital affairs.
Casual sexual intercourse is considered the least dangerous for marriage. People go on a fleeting sexual adventure situationally, under the influence of random circumstances, often under the influence of alcohol. This connection is not even related to the feeling for a specific object. Surprisingly, men, who commit such infidelities more often than women, may not even remember the name of the one with whom they had casual sex. But some people of the polygamous type, who easily change sexual partners without having an emotional and erotic connection with them, may strive for sexual adventures constantly, resorting to them as a way to have fun and diversify their lives. Such relationships extremely rarely lead to the collapse of a family and are dangerous only by an increased risk of contracting sexually transmitted infections. Of course, if it doesn't come to random children.
Serious consequences for marriage can potentially have regular erotic adventures that a person consciously undertakes. Such a connection usually occurs in search of a romantic relationship (this is especially true for women who primarily seek tenderness and understanding in a relationship).
Such connections are usually not limited to one or two meetings; both parties seek confirmation of their sexual attractiveness and expansion of sexual capabilities. Such relationships are a source of acute erotic-sexual experiences and an outlet in a too boring, monotonous family life. Men seek to acquire a partner free from marriage, while women, on the contrary, are looking for a married partner, which most often guarantees security for her own marriage. In most cases, such a relationship, if it is carefully hidden by both parties, may not be dangerous for the marriage. True, it is precisely such a relationship that can develop into a long-term one and deepen disappointment in marriage. And then, indeed, family relationships crack at all the seams.
How to live further?
Many people, upon learning about their partner's betrayal, literally lose their minds. Psychologists advise at this moment to pull yourself together in any available way and endure the first blow. Put off the conversation for an hour, a day, a week - until the first unbearable pain passes. As Rodion Chepalov, a psychologist at the Nekrizis.ru center, told a Mir 24 correspondent, “I would advise that if you feel like you’re “not yourself,” take a heavy dose of sedatives and call a friend - a person you trust, to discuss a plan of action . If you feel that you cannot control yourself at all, then it is better to call a real ambulance. You will be injected with drugs that will allow you to refrain from destructive actions. This advice may seem ridiculous to some, but I see reports of incidents and notice how many people do terrible things after such events.”
For those who were able to endure this blow, psychologists recommend choosing their own tactics in overcoming a personal crisis. After all, what suits one person may not suit another.
Having provided yourself with first psychological aid and gained the ability to think rationally, decide whether you are ready to maintain the relationship and under what conditions. This largely depends on the type of betrayal. If the other party is an adventurer, essentially polygamous, then you most likely already guessed that you were being fooled. But for some reason they went for it. People of the polygamous type do not settle down quickly, but often live in marriage all their lives. Maybe you can reconsider your attitude to the problem, and will agree to fleeting betrayals in the future, in exchange for something that suits you? You decide. Some couples consider it a kind of spice to their marriage and live like this for decades.
Think: maybe exactly what you wanted happened? Perhaps this relationship has been weighing on you for a long time and now your hands are free and you are also free to choose a partner?
If this is the case, if you are not ready to maintain the relationship, then do not waste your energy and nerves on a showdown and showdown. Immediately and decisively take practical steps to never see each other again (decide how to separate, get a divorce, choose a lawyer, deal with the division of property, and so on).
If the person with whom you have lived a significant part of your life is dear and loved, if you want to save your marriage , then you have serious work to do to build a new relationship in which both of you will feel happy. After all, betrayal can destroy a family, or it can make it stronger and more prosperous if both find the strength to understand the reasons for the betrayal and eliminate them.
Forgive or forget?
Oddly enough, to the question of whether it is necessary to forgive infidelity, psychologists answer the same way, regardless of whether you decide to save the marriage or not. After all, you need to put an end to this source of pain first of all, and forgiveness is a sure way to gain a psychological victory over the situation.
Forgiveness is freedom. Don't let your story hold you hostage. Focus on the future, not the past.
As a last resort, if you decide to break up and cannot forgive, you must achieve an internal attitude that betrayal is not so much a fact of your biography as a problem of your former partner (or partner).
But it can be so difficult to forgive... Psychologists advise: if you are overwhelmed with anger, try to emerge from within the situation and look at it from a distance. It’s painful and difficult for you now, but think about how you will look at this a year later? And after five or ten years? Use this psychological technique of detachment every time you feel unbearable.
You will learn about all the secrets of family life, what problems and joys await you on the path to a happy marriage, and most importantly - how to avoid separation and maintain the “weather in the house” from the new MTRK series “MIR”, which starts showing on the 18th th button this fall. Don't forget to turn on "automatic adjustment" of your TV and enjoy the new modified format of the MIR TV channel.
Try to find someone to whom you can vent. If you don’t want to wash your dirty laundry in public and notify your friends about your internal family crisis, which is very wise, a psychologist can become such a person. This is a very good choice in all respects.
Ask yourself what you want right now. Start doing something nice for yourself, treat yourself. Immerse yourself in shopping, relax, have fun and be distracted, or, if that doesn’t help, on the contrary, load yourself with work - it all depends on the characteristics of your personality.
Do you think that you were humiliated, insulted, lowered below the baseboard by this betrayal? But a little time will pass, and you will probably understand that you also had a hand in what happened. Have the courage to admit this and learn from your mistakes.
Always choose love, no matter how difficult this choice is and no matter how wounded pride, resentment or anger get in the way. Remember: love can conquer everything.
Try to think positively, for example: “What happened, happened. This is a new level for me. I will learn my lessons. I will succeed. What happened made me stronger. So my life will be better now.”
If you definitely decide to win and save your marriage, psychotherapist Nikolai Naritsyn advises seeking help from a specialist. “Certainly no therapist has a time machine to return everything to the way it was,” he said. — Because it has already happened, and “as before” will no longer be the case. It may be different - and most likely even better than before. By the way, the request to “save the family” is also not entirely adequate here: because, probably, you are not talking about preserving those family relationships that led to betrayal and collapse of trust, but about help in building new ones”...
Thus, even such a strong psychological shock as betrayal can become the beginning of your new happy life. The main thing is to choose love.
Tatiana Rubleva
How to survive your husband's betrayal and forgive him
Usually, when they talk about a husband’s betrayal, we are talking about his betrayal, so when this question is raised, they actually think about how to learn to live after his betrayal.
Alas, not a single woman is immune from her husband’s betrayal, no matter how strong and indestructible the ties that connect her with her husband may seem to her. And every woman has her own reaction to betrayal: some manage to quickly become the mistress of the situation and forgive their husband’s actions, some never find the strength to forgive and completely cut off all ties with their once loved one, and some even doesn't pay any attention to it.
In any case, such an act by the husband indicates that. that your relationship is in serious crisis and you need to do something urgently if you want to save it. Well, or split up.
1.
First, decide for yourself whether you need to forgive him at all. After all, if your husband is an incorrigible womanizer, goodbye, not goodbye, everything will repeat itself again and again.
But if this is not your case and you really want to forgive, because the relationship with this person has a certain value for you, then you will have to try.
2.
If you found out about your husband’s infidelity by chance, and he himself did everything to hide this fact from you, this only means that you are very dear to him and he does not want to lose you. Think about it. Perhaps this will help you forgive his betrayal. After all, every person makes mistakes in life.
3.
You can forgive your husband’s betrayal even when you see sincere repentance in your husband’s eyes; he tries in every possible way to earn forgiveness and tries to restore the previous relationship with you.
4.
It is possible that in order to cool down a little and think about everything that happened, you will want to live separately for a while. Don't be afraid of this step, it will help you calm down, and your husband will benefit from some alone time.
5.
Talk about what happened. Yes, this conversation will not be easy. but you both need him and, first of all, you yourself. You will be able to express everything that has accumulated in your soul, and the expressed resentment will no longer sit in your heart like a cancerous tumor. And your husband will try to give some explanation for his action.
6.
The biggest mistake of many women who decide to forgive their husband’s infidelity is constant reminders of him, with every even the smallest quarrel. Thus, they constantly remind themselves of this and cannot forget, and the husband lives with a constant feeling of guilt.
Only a few husbands are able to endure this oppressive state; usually the couple thus ends up in divorce, or the husband again begins to seek consolation on the side. Never do this. Remember that if you really want to forgive your husband, you should just forget about this incident forever.
Tips after your husband cheats
“Tell me how to forgive my husband’s betrayal? We have been married for 3 years. Outwardly, we have an ideal family. We have a little daughter. I have a prestigious and interesting job. We have no household or material problems.
When my husband was caring for me, there was no more loving, gentle and responsive person. Everyone kept saying that I couldn’t find a better husband and that my affection would further turn into love. A year after marriage, he began to lie to me about little things and show unattractive traits of his character (rudeness, impatience, irritability).
We experienced major quarrels several times. Then, in the hope that the relationship would improve, they decided to have a child. During my pregnancy, we also went through several major quarrels (I did not want and could not tolerate violence against myself and my opinion). But I couldn’t even imagine that danger was lurking very close to me.
My husband began to spend a lot of time with my friend while I was “recovering” from a difficult birth and nightly vigils with the child. At a very difficult time for me, he had fun with the person with whom I shared everything and whom I trusted unconditionally. And then he confessed everything, and she confirmed his words.
He said that she was no stranger to him and understood him, but in caring for the child I completely forgot about him. At first I wanted to take revenge on him in a similar way, then I realized that this was not the best way. I don't want to get a divorce.
I think he loves me. He swears that he will never hurt me again. Sometimes it seems to me that they are still dating. Or maybe I'm already paranoid. How to regain trust? How to overcome his and her betrayal? How to forgive your husband's betrayal? Jadwiga Pawluszczyk."
Astropsychologist Elena Poryvaeva answers
“Everyone kept saying that you couldn’t find a better husband and that affection would turn into love”... That is, you didn’t love him. And they got married because “everyone around” decided... Actually, where is the justice: others considered him the best husband, but you have to live with him?
And who can now complain that you only have an outwardly prosperous family? Because affection did not turn into love, and a year later problems began that are natural for psychological strangers, who again live like neighbors in a communal apartment, despite the child.
Now let's talk about the child. Having a child doesn't improve relationships! Think about it: the two of you can’t figure it out with each other, but you’re also “getting” a third?! Although, in principle, one can understand where the myth “if the relationship with your husband deteriorates, have a child” came from: the woman will switch from the role of wife to the role of mother, completely move away from her husband, or even isolate herself as a child.
And everyone will be on their own... It is useless to demand that such a husband fulfill his father’s duties. Even before the birth of the child, he will go into all sorts of troubles. Like, my wife decided to get her own toy, and I’ll get mine!
And he will take, for example, a mistress. Moreover, it is interesting: the more problematic the birth and postpartum period (and with such internal tension in the family, this process is more often problematic for a woman), the less attentive the husband is to his wife. Like, have fun, dear, you wanted it so bad!
And one more “safety rule” repeated a hundred times: do not let even your closest friends into your family problems and secrets. If you need to talk it out, complain to a diary or a personal therapist. It's safer.
You told your friend all your weak points, and perhaps, deep down in her heart, she was jealous of you somewhere. Your external well-being, your prestigious job, your material wealth...
And since she could hardly defeat you in the social sphere, a natural step on her part was to try to take your husband away, especially when she learned that, despite external prosperity, your union is unreliable. Sorry, but for many friends the temptation is too great!
However, your spouse does not want to part with you completely: this may be due to your prestigious position and wealth (obtained obviously not without your help). Or maybe he needs a harem of two ladies who, moreover, almost fight over him. That's why maybe she and your friend are dating...
You are asking how to forgive your husband’s betrayal and want to regain trust, but excuse me, you cannot return what never happened! Perhaps you are desperate to create a truly ideal family (but this is in vain).
If you sort out your feelings and don’t tie yourself to a person who “I think he loves,” but in fact there is no confidence in this, if you can feel free, strong, independent from any friends, then you will have a lot chances for your own happiness.
Requests for help Write your story
Good evening everyone! I want to share my sad story and hear your advice. I am 26 years old, my husband is 31. We met when I was 15, on my part it was crazy love at first sight, at first, I think, he didn’t love me that way, since he didn’t get enough of it until after the army, etc. When I turned 17 began to live together. We got married at 18 and had a son at 19. Throughout all these years, my husband went out with friends, did not take his family seriously, was irresponsible and constantly CHEATED on me, it was normal for him to go out with his friends and girlfriends. We lived with my parents, my mother helped with the child, and cried all the time, after another party he came and said sorry that he loved me, that he drank too much, I forgave everything, I love madly. When my son was one year old, we moved to live in a big city and here adult life began, he was not mentally prepared, I couldn’t really get work done for 5 years, I constantly pulled everything on myself, got to a decent job, but only came home to sleep, he was in constant search. But all the partying, betrayal and humiliation forgot me. He became like a nanny to me. My fatigue was accumulating, I did not understand how a man is not responsible for what his family will eat, and whether I am tired. Although I was always sincerely worried, I was not particularly eager to move. And so my fatigue began to accumulate, I began to think to myself that this was impossible, that I could no longer support him, that I needed care and a man’s shoulder. In all conversations, he just said that he understood everything, that he didn’t know why it wasn’t working out. And I had a breakdown, I went to my mother and cheated on him. I came and told everything, he said we were getting a divorce. I left again in emotions, because distance was necessary and I met the person with whom I cheated. I sincerely convinced myself in my soul that I didn’t love, that I couldn’t do it anymore. Then my husband came for me and said that he couldn’t live without me, that he would forgive me for betraying me and that he would fix everything for us. I realized how wrong I was, how I cruelly punished him, that everything could have been resolved differently. We began to live as before, he was fine for 2 days, for 2 days he remembered that I betrayed him, and told me not to touch him. I repent of my action, we talked with him and he said that he wants to save the family and is trying in every possible way not to think about betrayal, but it’s not working out well and the pain is constantly intensifying. There were humiliations and constant complaints. He feels very sorry for himself. And I’m psychologically trying to explain that this is a crisis in the relationship, that demons have misled me. This is how the disagreements changed into normal days and he said that he loved me very much, just until the pain subsided. And yesterday, when they replaced him, he said that he was mistaken, that love had passed, he thinks so, he only feels emptiness and does not understand further relationships. But he says that maybe he’s wrong and that he still can’t live without me, but he can’t forgive. He asks to leave him with questions, doesn’t go anywhere, says just give him time. I understand everything, but how can you say that you don’t love and still think about it, will love really appear again. I love him madly, I see a future together with him, please advise, I can’t just sit, I constantly cry and come up to him with questions. I constantly ask if he said the truth or if he is just angry now for my action. My heart is breaking, please advise what to do and is there a chance that he is just experiencing betrayal, I know that he loved me madly
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Natalya, age: 26 / 06/06/2013
Responses:
Natalya, your husband didn’t love you. He constantly walked, drank, and cheated. DID NOT LOVE. You changed too. You won’t just forget everything. We need sincere repentance on both sides. Does he repent for all his betrayals? Only by sincerely repenting can you begin to restore your family. Otherwise it's a dead end. God help you.
Sveta Candy, age: 33 / 06/07/2013
Natasha, I don’t understand your husband. This means that he walked throughout the entire marriage and everything was normal. And when you repaid him in the same coin for the only time, he cannot forgive. You could forgive, but he cannot... In my opinion, a marriage in which both spouses cheat is coming apart at the seams. You both need to either go to a crisis psychologist or get a divorce. And in any case, go to Church and pray, and ask God to give forgiveness and understanding to yourself and your spouse. Otherwise you won't be able to cope...
Sunny, age: 32 / 06/08/2013
Natalya, judging by your letter, your husband loved himself and only himself. Having brought you to a state of despair (he “worked” on this for so many years), he did not climb the walls, out of horror at WHAT he had done, out of pain for the fact that he himself destroyed everything. I DO NOT JUSTIFY CHEATING, but instead it could have been something on your part - illness, loss of work, just withdrawal - YOU WOULD BE GUILTY ON ALL POINTS. GET THIS!!!!!!!! UNDERSTAND at 26 years old!!! If you are a masochist, continue to ask for forgiveness from the traitor and parasite who destroyed the family. Maybe he will “forgive” you for a time when it is convenient for HIM. And then again he WILL NOT FORGIVE when he wants to take a walk or put you in your place. Without remembering his “exploits.” THIS IS NOT ADVICE. YOU CAN ' T GIVE ADVICE TO ANOTHER PERSON, ONLY HE MAKES A DECISION. I WROTE YOU MY OPINION. Sorry for the harshness, Natasha. I WISH YOU TO MAKE A WISE DECISION. BE LOVED AND HAPPY.
Olga, age: 40 / 06/08/2013
It’s already been half a year since I cheated on my wife. He became more attentive, remembered that I was a woman, said that he loved me, made plans for the future, but... all this for 2-3 days, and then for 2-3 he blames me for everything, constantly reproaches me, says that I betrayed him, that he cannot understand how to continue to live with this, etc. I’m suffering terribly, I don’t have any strength left... And today I said that I’m tired of pretending, that I can’t fake a smile, that he sees that he’s torturing me, but he internally doesn’t care about my tears, and also that if the opportunity arises, he’ll cheat on me. He doesn’t want to make any choice, I’m tired, please advise who has been in a similar situation and condition. How can I live with the fact that as soon as I begin to trust a person that he will go through this stage of life with me and support whatever I am, how does he send everything back to its original position? Living in fear? I completely stop believing in his words, in his declaration of love, in his tenderness and care.
Natalya, author, age: 26 / 10/08/2013
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How to forgive your husband's betrayal and move on with your life
When the passions have already subsided and after the betrayal you and your husband decided to save the family, it would seem that the long-awaited peace in the family has arrived, but more often than not, the most difficult things are just beginning. After all, you have to rebuild your relationship. The question arises: how to forgive betrayal? Or take revenge so that he understands what it was like for you?
Forget and forgive is what friends most often advise. “Forget” in this context is not exactly correct. You can throw an insult out of your memory, but not from your heart. This is what often happens.
Those women who are wondering how to forget and forgive their husband for cheating love their man so much that they are not even ready to take revenge in any way. They decide to stay with their husband no matter what, love can forgive.
But every woman wants to receive guarantees that this practice will not be repeated in the future. But, naturally, no one can provide such guarantees. Even your spouse's word of honor.
Some women can forget and forgive betrayal only through divorce and separation from their once beloved man. But this is a very drastic way to escape from the existing problem; such a decision is not made jointly, but exclusively by the woman.
Every person has the right to change decisions made in a state of passion at any time, if, of course, this is possible. You should not pay attention to the opinions of other people; in this situation they will not be worth anything to you, because you find yourself in such a situation, not them.
They have an observer's opinion that is not entirely justified. This life is yours - and no one has the right to dictate to you the terms of how to live. Let all advisors sit with their opinions at home and apply them to their lives, not yours.
