Self-pity, or how to stop losing faith in yourself

Support or scold?

When we see someone who is feeling bad, we feel compassion. But why do you need to experience his negative feelings with another person? Who benefits from this?

Understanding the suffering of others is necessary to make us want to help without selfish goals and without expecting that this person will also support us in difficult times. We approach him and, to the best of our ability, try to help him out, or at least sympathize with him, so that he feels emotionally better.

Now let's see: how do we feel sorry for ourselves when we have trouble? We are not looking for ways to help ourselves. And we poison our soul even more and drive us into depression. It seems to us that the world is unfair to us, but we also did not behave in the best way. We invariably scold and criticize ourselves. We look for what we did wrong, accuse us of stupidity and lack of courage.

Why are we more loyal to others, try to justify and support, calm and make their lives easier, but in the same situations we condemn, punish and aggravate our negative emotions?

compassionate

pitiful // pitiful _ _

They make up a nest of couples with the paronyms pitifully // pitifully, pitifully // pitifully.

COMPLETE (colloquial). Showing, expressing pity, compassion for someone, prone to pity, compassion. Synonyms: compassionate, responsive, sympathetic, compassionate (colloquial).

Compassionate: a person; ~ old woman; ~th creature; ~s people; ~o attitude; ~th look; ~ words.

• They probably forgot about me? But here are the steps, the key rattles - this is our sweet, compassionate Aunt Natasha. V. Andreeva. House on the Black River. Maruska, with a pitiful smile in her eyes, looks at each of the guys for a long time. V. Oseeva. Vasek Trubachev and his comrades.

PATHETIC (colloquial). Appealing to sympathy, compassion, arousing them in someone. Synonyms: mournful, sad, plaintive, helpless.

Pitiful: ~th kind; ~th request; ~th incident, facial expression; ~ voice, groan; ~th song.

• Someone is crying near her, shedding burning tears and saying in a pitiful voice: “You have ruined me, my beauty.” S. Aksakov. The Scarlet Flower. The boy looked at me with pitiful, lovely eyes full of tears and hope. L. Tolstoy. Among those in need.

Δ For pitiful words, a pitiful melody (about the correspondence of form and content).

Compare: a pitiful exclamation is an exclamation that shows pity or compassion for someone; pitiful exclamation - an exclamation that appeals to pity, compassion, sympathy from someone.

Source: Dictionary of Russian language paronyms on Gufo.me

Meanings in other dictionaries

1. compassionate - PITTY, oh, oh; ive (colloquial). Prone to pity, compassionate. and. Human. J. look. | noun pity, and, g. Ozhegov's Explanatory Dictionary
2. pitiful - pitiful adj. decomposition 1. Prone to pity pity I; compassionate. 2. Filled with pity. Explanatory Dictionary by Efremova
3. compassionate - PITY - RUTLESSNESS Compassionate - merciless pity - mercilessness compassionate - merciless Love without pity is not love. This pity is cultivated from childhood. Dictionary of antonyms of the Russian language
4. compassionate - see >> kind, merciful Abramov’s Dictionary of Synonyms
5. compassionate - -aya, -oe; -liv, -a, -o. decomposition 1. Inclined to pity, sympathy; compassionate, compassionate. The Pestovs, compassionate and kind people, willingly agreed to his request. Turgenev, Nobles' Nest. She was tearful and pitiful. Small academic dictionary
6. pitiful - PITTY -aya, -oe; -liv, -a, -o. Razg. 1. Inclined to pity, sympathy, compassion; compassionate (about a person). She's so kind, she sympathizes with all the poor! J. person. Overly compassionate. // Expressing pity, compassion. J. look. J smile. Kuznetsov's Explanatory Dictionary
7. compassionate - See sting Dahl's Explanatory Dictionary
8. pitiful - Compassionate, pitiful, pitiful, pitiful, pitiful, pitiful, pitiful, pitiful, pitiful, pitiful, pitiful, pitiful, pitiful, pitiful, pitiful, pitiful, pitiful, pitiful, pitiful... Grammar words ar Zaliznyak
9. compassionate - spelling compassionate Lopatin's spelling dictionary
10. compassionate - J'MOSTLY, compassionate, pitiful; pitiful, pitiful, pitiful (colloquial). Compassionate, prone to pity. Compassionate old woman. Ushakov's Explanatory Dictionary
11. pitiful - Sting/ost/liv/y. Morphemic-spelling dictionary
12. compassionate - adj., number of synonyms: 18 joyless 41 complacent 4 bitter 68 pitiful 84 pitiful 2 plaintive 5 pitiful 18 pitiful 3 merciful 18 sad 49 dirge 23 sad 84 deplorable 23 compassionate 6 compassionate 19 sympathetic 22 touching 14 good 28 6 Dictionary of Russian synonyms language

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Allow yourself to be imperfect

One of the main rules of life is this: you need to treat yourself as you would a close loved one. We don’t demand from those we love to always be perfect, do everything without mistakes and never do anything stupid?!

You can and should allow yourself to show weakness (cry, not perform your usual duties, take a day off from work and not do anything useful). And then “pull” yourself out of this state of self-pity. To please with something, to switch to something pleasant. And return to normal life.

It is also important to stop asking questions: “What am I to blame for? Why did this happen to me?” Instead, ask yourself, “What can I do to help myself in these circumstances? How can I solve this problem?

Desire to induce self-pity

Author: Elvira Sadrutdinova

This is a subtle but very common phenomenon, especially among women, due to their increased emotionality. It takes root in the character, becomes inseparable from the image and character, beginning to dictate the emotions and actions of the owner of this quality and the people around him, depriving him of peace and happiness. Moreover, this person does not realize that his behavior is repetitive and natural on a painful basis. From Dmitriev's explanatory dictionary: If you feel pity for someone, it means that you feel empathy, compassion for this person, animal, etc. If you feel pity for yourself, it means that you feel sorry for yourself, you take care, you think that you deserve a better life, etc. Self-pity is often accompanied by resentment, anger, it feeds on the thoughts: “I am poor - unhappy, they treated me unfairly.” Self-pity is part of the “victim role.” If such a person is a child, then his parents do not find peace for themselves, constantly offering him one benefit or another. If this person is a married adult, then his partner will “bend out of his way” just to please him. The position of the “victim” tyrannizes those close to him, forcing him to think that they are making him unhappy. The mood of this person’s loved ones falls; moreover, it takes on a monotonous shade of gloom and despondency, and self-esteem drops. And a person who wants to evoke self-pity walks in front of them with an unhappy, sad face and eyes truly full of tears. His voice is monotonously sad, but prone to sharp emotional attacks: “What are you saying? Can’t you see I feel bad?!” Such a person often falls seriously ill, and some of his diseases are chronic, difficult to treat or incurable (i.e., not treatable). He uses all sorts of methods to treat his illnesses, discussing it with others, trying to pity them and include them in the therapeutic process. And he gets offended when some person is not as attentive and active as he would like, regarding his health problems. When someone offers him another treatment option, telling him that it is reliable and healing, the person begins to behave unexpectedly - he refuses this method of treatment, explaining that he does not even want to try, because he does not believe in its effectiveness. This behavior is the manipulation of people in order to achieve presence, attention, care and love from them in a primitive way. At first glance, you can really believe that a person feeling sorry for himself is a victim, and the people around him are hard-hearted, but later the hidden becomes obvious. To solve this problem, the psychotherapist needs to establish contact with the client, give him support through reality (“you are sitting in front of me and do not look like a person in need of help”) and then, together with the client, understand his feelings, perhaps originating in childhood , when the client received a psychotrauma that has been fixed to this day and did not receive adequate support, love and protection from his close circle at the time. Through awareness and constant contact with reality, it is necessary to teach the client to take “support, love and protection” from other people through contact with them in an adequate form, adapted in time, place and occasion, to teach the client methods of interaction through the act of acceptance and dedication - energy regulation of emotional processes .

It is clear that this is a long-term and painstaking work of a psychotherapist with its own risks and the possibility of breaking contact at any stage of its formation. These risks exist both on the part of the client and on the part of the psychotherapist in the event of his “emotional burnout,” “projections,” and other obstacles.

How does Islam solve such a problem? – as always, simply and effectively, penetrating in a short time into the very heart of a person and causing healing changes in him.

“Such great mercy is the good news that Allah announces to His obedient believing slaves. Say, O Messenger: “I do not ask you for a reward for conveying the Message of Allah, but I ask only for love for Allah and His Messenger and for drawing closer to Him, the Almighty, by doing good deeds. Whoever does a good deed that is pleasing to Allah, Allah will double his reward.” Indeed, Allah’s forgiveness of the sins of His servants is great! He is grateful to them for their pious deeds!” (42:23).

This verse of the Quran talks about a kind, pious attitude towards people that is pleasing to Allah. Compare this perfect appeal with the behavior of a person who wants to evoke self-pity. You will notice the difference. And this difference is so obvious. It clearly shows emotional and spiritual maturity in the first case, and infantilism in the second. As a rule, psychotraumatic situations slow down the process of a person’s maturation in all spheres of his life, fixing him at the age at which the psychotrauma caught him, depriving him of the opportunity to taste the fruits of thorny maturation, which goes through the paths of hardship and patience, forgiveness and creation of what is pleasing to Allah Almighty. The stages of growing up are closely intertwined with the concepts of awareness and responsibility, which can be seen so clearly and clearly in the lifestyle of a sincere Muslim. Therefore, a Muslim should not have such a quality as the desire to arouse self-pity, for this contradicts his spiritual self-awareness and the improvement of his actions for the sake of forgiveness of his own sins and the pleasure of the Almighty. As you know, self-pity makes us callous towards others. There are many traditions about showing pity towards others, for example this: It is narrated from Jarir bin Abdullah, may Allah be pleased with them both, that the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, said: “Allah will not have mercy on the one who does not himself shows mercy to people” (Al-Bukhari; Muslim).

Elvira Sadrutdinova
3041

Who should not be pitied

Very often, well-mannered people fall into the trap of emotional vampires. We cannot refuse attention to a friend who complains about his misfortune. We listen to him, offer something, help. We are already running out of nerves, time, and energy. And he suffers and suffers, but he himself does nothing to improve his situation.

At such a moment, you need to stop yourself from once again trying to decide everything for another person. And understand that our friend does not need either help or a way out of the crisis situation. He likes (oddly enough) the process of torment itself and the role of a victim of circumstances. What is the reason? Complaining about something always means abdicating responsibility for your own life: anyone is to blame (be it a person or a poorly chosen time), but not me.

The fact that we are imbued with compassion and mentally root for him does not bother the emotional vampire. On the contrary, he is happy to feed off our energy. So stop wasting your energy. The best thing we can do for someone who is always doing poorly is to stop listening to him and say: “You are to blame for your problems.” Yes, this may seem cruel and cynical. But in fact, this is exactly what our friend needs - understanding. That his life is in his hands.

You know, there is such a principle: do not give advice to those who do not ask for it. It would be worth adding one more thing: do not try to help those who do not help themselves.

Pity is a sign of weakness

“There’s something in this,” I repeated out loud, looking around the room allocated to us.

“But in my opinion, it’s just dirty here,” Maya said with childish frankness and pointed towards the mold stain spreading along the wall. Her tail had been twitching nervously ever since we got out of the car on the threshold of this house.

“They just have a different relationship with nature,” I sighed, settling down on one of the four narrow sunbeds brought here and almost no longer caring that this impolite remark could be heard by Khaani-Nani in the next room. Fatigue came on somehow suddenly and unexpectedly. Still, the hours of active vigor snatched from your own body using the tablet method are not in vain. “They don’t isolate themselves from it, preferring to live in harmony.” It’s just that their version of harmony looks like this.

“We also live in harmony with nature,” the girl demanded.

“Nope,” Mika yawned widely and began to resolutely move the narrow rookeries into one large one. “We have, for the most part, isolated ourselves from it.” We are separate, she is separate, we just try not to disturb each other. We do it purposefully, having finally realized that the integrity of the natural environment is the key to our comfortable existence on our home planet; it is mostly instinctive.

“But for example, solerans,” I picked up, “change their environment in accordance with their ideas of convenience and adapt to it to a lesser extent themselves.” But among the Arctic people we see a completely different way of developing relationships with their own habitat. They do not change it, do not change themselves (at least purposefully), but seem to immerse themselves in nature without a trace.

- Do you think this is better? - Maya disgustedly picked at the short bristles of moss that cheerfully protruded between the frames of the window, which had such a unique curve that doubt even began to creep in whether this building had any kind of architectural design at all, or whether it was built according to God’s will. And blindfolded. — Personally, such harmony does not suit me.

— We do not give qualitative assessments. What does “better or worse” mean? We, the people, did what was best for us, the people of Arctoim did what was best for them. We are like this, they are different,” I tried to explain to the young earthling the basics of the psychological attunement of a practicing xenologist.

“And besides, the path of development they chose did not require intervention in the genome of the race, and you can’t even imagine how valuable this is,” Mika added from his point of view.

“So, you want to say,” Yukka now widened his eyes in surprise, “that this is all of natural origin, not genomorphing?” - He eloquently put his own hand to the back of his head and moved his fingers in the air.

- Quite. If you had observed local life forms throughout the day, you might have noticed that tentacles are a completely trivial solution, used by evolution for almost anything. At least on this planet.

- Wait, what does it mean: “The path of development they chose did not require intervention in the genome”? And ours, it turns out, demanded it? — Maya picked out another nuance.

- How do you not know this? In my opinion, you should have already been told how the “games with genes” began.

“Yeah,” Yukka answered for his friend. — From the treatment of genetic diseases. Well, it went further: if we can, then why not do it?

- Yeah, where did genetic diseases come from? - Mikael asked a tricky question.

- In my opinion, they have always been there. Well, there are errors in the genetic code that occur during copying,” Yukka answered with the look of “he’s such a grown man, but you don’t know.”

- Of course. This is always present in all types of living beings. However, how could it happen that in our case the number of genetic errors became so widespread that it required emergency intervention? Do not know? And the answer is simple - humanism. The desire to preserve life and give the opportunity to continue in generations for each of those born, even the most, dare I say, defective one. As a result, people's livelihoods deteriorated to such an extent that global intervention was required to correct the situation. Well, then, everything is as Yukka said: since we can do it, why not improve something else.

“It can’t be,” Maya said incredulously, “I remember for sure that from about the middle of the twentieth century, the average life expectancy began to increase, and has been slowly increasing to this day.” There are objective statistical data for this.

“There are lies, there are blatant lies, and then there are Statistics,” I grinned. — What does it mean: “the average life expectancy on the planet has increased”? It's not that people began to live longer, it means that they began to die less.

- Isn't this the same thing? — Yukka frowned in confusion. His girlfriend blinked in confusion, clearly remembering something.

“Advances in medicine - people who were previously incurable began to survive or simply live longer, and an increase in general well-being - food appeared for those who previously died of hunger,” Mika answered laconically. — If we exclude these two groups from the sample, then on average people begin to live shorter lives. And on average, according to the same statistics, the number of absolutely healthy people began to rapidly decrease.

“We’ve somehow slipped into some kind of gloomy place,” I observed the stunned, incredulous faces of the children and made the following proposal: “Let’s better go to bed before we agree on something completely “fun.”

Not only infections are contagious!

It happens like this: friends told me how they suffer from arthritis or migraines. We sincerely felt sorry for them. And in the evening or the next day, they suddenly felt the same pain in the joints or in the head as they described to us. How so? The diseases of our friends are not infections that can be contracted. Why do we experience similar symptoms?

It's all about pity! It affects the brain of an overly sympathetic person and increases the tendency to violations similar to those that his interlocutors describe in detail to him. This is an important disadvantage of such a feeling as pity. It also has another negative consequence.

Let's see: who is it customary to sympathize with? The suffering, the sick, the poor, the offended. By paying increased attention to the troubles and disadvantages of a person (ourselves, including), we in some way humiliate him, make him “pathetic.” Do our friends, spouses, and relatives really need this? What about ourselves?

It is much better when we notice other people’s (and our own) positive qualities and achievements in all areas of life. Then they will become stronger. And you shouldn’t pay much attention to troubles: gradually all problems will be solved, the dark streaks in life will pass.

What is pity?

The very definition of “pity” contains words such as compassion, condolences, sympathy. Another interpretation of pity is sadness, sadness towards something/someone.

More closely, CO-suffering is joint suffering or “one illness for two,” a joint feeling.

That is, by showing pity, we seem to join the person for some time and “get sick” together with him, together we experience a difficult state for him. This allows us to diagnose the condition of our loved one, to vividly imagine what it’s like for him. And a person gets the feeling that he is not alone, and it becomes easier.

Believe in justice

When we lament with someone: “How could this happen to you?”, it turns out that we refuse to believe in justice and see cause-and-effect relationships. For example, we express disagreement with the disease (and we don’t know much about the other person’s lifestyle), and we experience anger at those who are somehow connected with the misfortunes of our interlocutors.

But if at such a moment we could look at everything from the outside and objectively assess what is happening, we would understand: everything is exactly as it should be. For example, the son caught a cold not without reason, but because he himself went without a hat in cold weather. And this is even good: the disease will force him to be smarter, and next time he will dress for the weather.

If we can not succumb to the indignation at the world that arises in response to the complaint of our friends, then we will see: life is harmonious and fair. Nothing happens for nothing. And there is a lesson to be learned from everything.