Give your child a special nickname or create a code word
Come up with a special nickname for your child that only you will call him. This is a wonderful symbol of closeness between parent and child. Even after decades, a grown-up son or daughter remembers with emotion how their parents called them “princess,” “frog,” “kitten,” or “football player.”
In adolescence, it makes sense to establish a special code word, the meaning of which will be clear to parents and the child. This will help the teenager know that he is in an unpleasant situation and needs your help - for example, he cannot leave a not very good place or he needs your “unexpected” appearance.
Adult children: accept them as they grew up
If we try to change our relationship with a child when the latter is already an adult, sometimes with his own family, then the situation is even more complicated, and the prognosis is less optimistic. I wouldn’t count on changing the personal characteristics of an already mature young man. This is most likely the work of a psychologist, designed for several years.
But it is possible to change the relationship - to become closer and restore contact. We all, at any age, need the flow of love and trust that comes from our parents. This flow cannot always be felt, much less described. But when we lose our parents, we understand that the flow has been interrupted and we are orphaned. This pain and emptiness is familiar to everyone whose parents have already passed on to the other world. They are familiar to me too.
Rebuilding relationships with adult children is more difficult than with teenagers. Grown-up sons and daughters have already learned to live in isolation, with a feeling of abandonment by those closest to them. They have learned to hide the pain in the depths of their hearts and do not want to disturb it again. They are often afraid of close emotional relationships with others because they do not want to again experience the bitterness of resentment and rejection.
In this situation, it is difficult to quickly establish contact. Most likely, you will have to start accepting your adult child the way he turned out. Without trying to fix anything. And through acceptance you can restore the flow that dried up at some point.
Thus, restoring relationships with a child and improving them is possible at any age. But no matter when you start doing it, it won’t be easy or quick. Relationships are a big spiritual work that requires changes from us, parents. It requires overcoming learned and reinforced stereotypes in parental behavior. Willingness to sacrifice your position and expectations in favor of harmonizing the lives of your children and your own.
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There are a lot of questions on the topic of emotional contact between mother and child. It usually looks like this: “I treat the child well, but he doesn’t seem to appreciate it and doesn’t respond to affection.” Or like this - “Everything is fine, but it’s as if there is no real mutual understanding, we speak different languages.” Or even like this – “He contradicts all the time, doesn’t listen, does everything on purpose, is insolent. Punishments do not help, but embitter. It doesn’t work out well either.”
In life, of course, there are periods of cooling - both in marriage, and in relationships with friends, and with children. It’s normal to quarrel, it trains and strengthens relationships, teaches us to communicate, forgive and insist on our own. But here we are dealing with a chronic situation where the relationship seems completely destroyed, abnormal. Usually all communication comes down to mutual claims, scandals and hysterics, after which temporary relief comes.
(Similar to quarrels between spouses? Yes, with the difference that an unsuccessful marriage ends with a divorce, and you won’t be able to divorce a child).
Parents often take such periods of relaxation as the norm (“yes, we sometimes quarrel, but there are also good moments”). This is wrong, because in such cases a respite is always preceded by a scandal, and the stronger it is, the more intense the pleasure of reconciliation. Thus, a model develops in the minds of all family members: in order for us to feel good, we first need to quarrel with everyone. (Who doesn’t want it to be good? Therefore, you need to swear as often as possible). It’s okay that both mother and child know perfectly well that the next quarrel is just around the corner, that reconciliation is rather a respite to gather strength for the next fight.
Here we see how the real relationship between parents and children is gradually replaced by fake ones. The child promises: “I won’t do it again,” and this is very similar to what relatives of alcoholics often hear - a ritual meaningless phrase. A mother, feeling guilty towards her child for shouting and punishing her, tries to make amends and at the same time feels relieved - after all, she allowed herself to discharge herself, scolded her, and kicked her properly. This makes scandal not just inevitable, but DESIRED for everyone.
This is a variant of a child’s disordered relationship with his parents, when aggressive behavior and/or negativism becomes the only opportunity for the child to feel contact with his parents, as if the child is forgetting how to communicate “in a good way”; screaming, hysterics and swearing are preferable to him.
Smooth, calm relationships cause all participants in the game not joy, as one might expect, but rather anxiety. This is understandable: against the background of stability, tension accumulates, which can only be discharged by a scandal. That is, if everything is calm, this means that 1) a quarrel will soon begin and 2) there is nowhere to drain the accumulated anxiety and anger.
This is especially noticeable in the behavior of children under 10-12 years old. Mom can, through an effort of will, refrain from screaming and harsh remarks for some time. But literally in the very first day or two she will see that the child is SPECIFICALLY provoking a quarrel. This does not mean that the child consciously decides to annoy his parents. Internal mechanisms simply trigger, triggering aggressive behavior and thereby providing release. And since children have less willpower and consciousness regulates activities less well, usually the provocation comes from the child.
Older children sometimes act in a similar way, but in general, the older the child, the more withdrawn he will be (these are the very cases when the child appears insensitive, ungrateful, unresponsive).
Therefore, rational psychotherapy in such situations does not help the family. If deep down in your soul you WANT a scandal, no recommendations to be more level with your child, praise more often, talk, etc. will work. Moreover, the child will continue to provoke his mother into the only type of communication available to him.
The first step to treating such problems is to clarify the true reasons why the emotional connection between the child and parents was disrupted.
The strategy for further action will depend on this. It is possible to determine which category of violations of parent-child contact a family belongs to after examining the child and talking with the parents. Usually 1 to 3 meetings are enough.
For example, there are situations when parents are close to divorce, or some dramatic event has occurred in the family, or parents are forced, for example, to work literally day and night to feed the family. Naturally, in these cases, children suffer and may well react with whims, negativism, and aggression (the so-called neurotic reaction). But in such situations, it is important to remember that there is always a clear objective reason that exists relatively recently. In such cases, parents (if necessary, in consultation with a psychologist) can, if possible, mitigate the effects of stress on the child. It is easy to recognize that we are dealing with such a simple situation - as soon as the parents change their behavior at least a little, the child also - and noticeably - changes for the better.
However, there are also completely “normal” ones - ordinary, loving, caring parents who, nevertheless, do not have “normal”, that is, loving, trusting, close relationships with their children, but have a daily hell of incessant swearing, reproaches and scandals. In this case, we get the very case when advice, no matter how correct it is, does not work. No attempts by parents to be softer, more patient or more caring lead to any result. We can say that in such cases the child’s psyche is restructured in such a way that he is no longer able to assimilate and perceive normal emotions. But worse, because parents suffer from aggressive or indifferent attitudes, they inevitably lose the ability to trust the child and to be close and loving.
In these cases, the general strategy of the family's behavior is as follows. The work of a psychologist with a family begins with communication with parents, after which an individual system of recommendations, advice and behavior models is developed, something like “if a child does this, we react like this,” or “we avoid situations like …” with all our might. At the initial stage, the child may not react at all to changes in parental behavior, but it is very important that it is stable and non-aggressive, and helps stop conflicts whenever possible.
Then the time comes for psychotherapeutic work with the child. This is a topic for a separate story, but it is important to say the following.
There is no need to hope for “it will pass.” For example - “nothing, time will pass and he will understand how wrong he was.” Or “over the years she will become calmer, and we will find a common language.”
The relationship between mother and child, disrupted in early childhood, never improves on its own.
Even if a child (you have to live) learns to adapt to mom and dad, this will not replace real emotional intimacy. Author of the article: Pisarenko Natalia Alexandrovna
The dangers of early sexual activity
Psychologically, a girl’s body is ready for sexual relations only at the age of 18–20. Sexologists say that early sexual development negatively affects physical and mental well-being. Sex becomes an unbearable burden for a growing body, it traumatizes the endocrine system and the psyche, as a result of which teenagers quickly become addicted to alcohol and drugs and begin to change partners frequently.
Girls who begin sexual activity early are prone to developing tumor diseases, especially cervical cancer. After all, the papilloma virus, which a woman can catch at any time in her life, is especially acute in her youth.
Early pregnancy, and especially forced abortions, which teenagers often have to endure, are also dangerous for a girl’s body. The consequence is reproductive dysfunction and significant mental problems.
Even this brief information about the dangers of early sexual activity should become an incentive for parents who are obliged to protect their child. It is very important that adolescents are familiarized with this information, both by parents and health workers. According to statistics, it is socially unprotected children with a low level of information who become victims of early sexual activity.
