How to forgive your husband’s betrayal and save your family: advice from a psychologist, priest and real stories from forums

...If this man had hugged me at that moment, called me, I would have followed him to the ends of the earth, I would have disgraced my name, the name of my children... disdaining people's rumors and the voice of reason, I would have run with him... I would not have asked , where and for how long, she didn’t even cast a farewell glance at her past life...

Stefan Zweig. Twenty-four hours in the life of a woman

Cheated on my husband twice. Caused him unimaginable pain. How could this heroic man forgive me? Over the years I tried to understand the reasons for my behavior. I feel that it is my duty to tell the story of how I became faithful. And maybe help you learn how to get over your wife's betrayal.

How could this happen to me, who madly loves my husband? I was ashamed and vowed not to cheat again. But ten years after the first time, I fell in love again and ran away with another man. She left her husband and two children, but then returned again. They say about such people: weak at the front, walking around.

How to survive your husband's betrayal? Psychologist's advice.

To survive something like this is the real prerogative of every person, as evidenced by the “glued” unions that suffered from the introduction of a third wheel. Necessity No. 1 is to completely get rid of emotional and psychological manifestations that just beg to come out. In particular, you need to put a barrier between you and depressive disorders (see How to cope with depression after your husband cheated?), but it is important to know that events may not develop at all the way you would like.

Examples (negative and positive):

• The man is forgiven, his wife carefully controls him, due to which he does not deviate from the family;
• The wife believes that he will not do this again, however, the adventures continue, but are kept under wraps;
• The spouse uses psycho-techniques and manipulations to bring you back, promising that he will not repeat such acts, in connection with which the family is restored, and the marriage is formalized again;
• Unable to withstand the emotional shock, you leave the union, completely breaking contacts and means of crossing with the traitor;
• The partners mutually come to the conclusion - to separate;
• In the event of a divorce and the presence of children, the ex-spouse acquires the title of “Sunday Dad”;
• As a result of a family breakup, children stop contacting one of their parents (depending on who they live with).

How to live with your husband's cheating ? The above-described outcomes are a reality that awaits all couples; what will happen to you and whether you can continue to live normally without or with a cheater depends on the correctness of the final decision, but you will have to completely turn off the emotional factor and remove the veil that prevents you from seeing the truth.

How to protect your relationship from cheating

To prevent possible betrayal, a woman should try to create a favorable mental environment and a warm microclimate in the family. You can introduce a tradition of having a weekly romantic dinner at home or in a restaurant. It is necessary to make all decisions together, to consider all difficult situations in order to prevent mutual claims and insults.

A married couple seeking to improve their relationship and paint their life with new colors should listen to the recommendations of psychologists:

• find a joint hobby that is interesting for both partners. Perhaps this will be tennis, horse riding, rock climbing or a more relaxing activity, such as learning foreign languages ​​or billiards.
• it is necessary to discuss the issue of personal time, when each spouse can solve their own affairs and watch news on the Internet or favorite TV series.
• regularly organize romantic dates with each other outside the home. A change of environment has a beneficial effect on improving relationships;
• you should not ignore the moments if a man gets into a quarrel with his partner’s adult children from a previous marriage;
• Psychologists do not advise being torn between the concepts of “mother” and “spouse”. Make an effort and diplomacy to create a comfortable environment in your home.

Support point.

You need to find a thread that you can cling to in order to save your family, this is done during a dialogue with a traitor, we recommend considering the following aspects:

• Determination to meet your husband halfway and, having forgiven, to comply with behavioral norms;
• Quantitative indicators of his attachment to “free” relationships;
• Determining the coefficient of your love for your spouse and his for you;
• Post-marital consequences and prospects.

You choose the final outcome yourself. The conversation may become optional if you want to break up after thinking things through on your own. Perhaps you will hear excuses, justifications... To divert you from the main idea, he will try his best, unfortunately, women are easier to “divorce”, so you need to not give in to emotions. In order not to fall for the tricks, we recommend reading the auxiliary material: Do loving men cheat?

“Noodles” and absurdity in men’s words:

• She didn’t pay enough attention to me!
• I didn't do it on purpose! It just happened that way!
• I wanted to know how you would react...
• I tried to find out if there is anyone better than you, but I realized that there is no one better than you!
• You had 15 men before me, I only dated three, this is not fair!
• You became different in bed...
• and other excuses...

If you hear the arguments described above, stop the conversation, since these aspects indicate that he does not regret what he did and, most likely, will repeat the treacherous act. If you understand that you are not able to destroy the connection with him, then just forget about the action. The main thing is not that he will be there, but whether he deserves this prospect. In addition, he must be punished (see How to punish a husband for cheating?), at least for the entire probationary period. Nothing will work without him!

Otherwise, if you still want to “revive” your feelings, use the recommendations in the articles:

1. How to forgive your husband's betrayal?
2. How to love your husband again after he cheated?

Attitude to treason in Orthodox culture

No one gets married with the intention of cheating. Most adulterers begin their marriage with pure thoughts of love and fidelity. However, over time, these good intentions are destroyed. A man loses his desire or willpower in remaining faithful and ends up succumbing to temptation.

If a man cheated, this does not mean that he was actively moving towards this act. In most cases, betrayal happens spontaneously, thoughtlessly. Circumstances and motives will be different for each person.

Family infidelity does not lead to happiness. God created sex to be enjoyed in the perfect marriage relationship. When God brought Adam and Eve in marriage, He established a “one flesh” relationship. It is clear that there is something special about sexual relationships; it is not just a biological function.

Infidelity is destructive to a marriage because two people who become “one flesh” are connected by more than just physical intimacy. During sex, there is a connection of emotions, as well as organs.

The level of trust required for this act makes a person extremely vulnerable, and this is one of the reasons why sex should be limited to marital relationships. Marriage allows vulnerability without fear; each spouse is protected by the commitments of the others and the stability inherent in the covenant relationship. Violating that trust through infidelity is destructive to the individual and to the marriage. It's a betrayal of confidence

But, on the other hand, betrayal in the family does not automatically end the marriage. According to research, from 60 to 75% of couples who experience betrayal remain together. But this does not mean that the relationship is healed or that trust has been restored. In many cases, a couple stays together after adultery not because they are happy together, but because they are afraid of the alternative.

However, there are other couples who devote themselves to solving the problem, identifying weak points and correcting mistakes. Such couples have an excellent chance not only to stay together, but also to get a strengthened, strong, happy marriage as a result.

New life or preservation of the old one?

Since surviving a husband’s betrayal means dooming oneself to eternal suffering, as many people think, some people get used to the carelessness of their chosen one, others periodically “lull” the pain with the help of various means, none of which are useful. It’s more important for you not only to forget and live on in peace, but also to create a barrier between your adventures and your husband, otherwise psychology will develop into physiology (disease):

• Oncology;
• Psychiatry;
• Neurology;
• Cardiology.

We are talking about a situation in which most women find themselves: psychoirritants appear that affect the memories of the act, and the same thought begins to swirl: “Why did I save my family?” “What if he continues to cheat?” etc. That's why you should think, first of all, about your comfort, because sooner or later your brain and heart won't stand it and you'll end up in a hospital bed.

If you understand that irritants are not just reminders of infidelity, but signs of betrayal, then the shock will be much more serious than what you experienced today. The existence of common children should also not influence the decision, since they will receive much worse psychological trauma if you keep the family but demonstrate an unhealthy relationship than if you file for divorce. The main mistake is keeping the spouse until the children reach adulthood, if all this continues.

Reasons for female infidelity

Why did your wife decide to cheat? A man should understand that a woman who cheats for the first time cannot decide to commit a treacherous act for a very long time. Here you should see that this happened in your relationship for a very long period, because of which the wife became convinced every day that she could cheat on her husband. Let's consider some reasons for female infidelity:

• She takes revenge. If a husband cheats on his wife, then soon she herself may want to cheat on him. Resentment may not only consist of treason. A husband can insult his wife, beat him, ignore him, etc. All this offends and forces the woman to seek solace on the side.
• She fell in love. If feelings and hormones have not played out between spouses for a long time, then a woman can simply succumb to her own emotions, which suddenly arose when she paid attention to another man.
• She is looking for sexual satisfaction. If the husband never satisfies his wife, rarely has sex with her, and does not make sex varied and interesting, then the wife can look for satisfaction on the side.
• She is looking for certain sensations. These feelings can be love, a feeling of need, attention to oneself, etc. If a man no longer pays attention to his wife, treats her as a matter of course, then the woman may feel the need to receive certain feelings.
• She just relaxed. This applies to those betrayals that are one-time. The woman could have made a mistake if she actually cheated once.
• She remembered the past. Often women cheat with their exes, whom they accidentally met, called or texted. Old feelings may flare up again, the woman may think that she is still in love. Most often, in such situations, it is simply the passion that can arise between former lovers that rages.
• She gets what her husband doesn't give her. Anything can happen here.

Cheating on the part of a wife may be a consequence of the negative influence of her friends, who may themselves cheat on their husbands or be free women, therefore sleeping with a lot of men. If your wife has not yet had enough fun, then she may be influenced by such stories from her girlfriends.

You should also pay attention to the fact that there are women who want to be equal to men. If men are considered polygamous, then women begin to consider themselves polygamous ladies. If men cheat and everything is forgiven, then women may want to cheat and be forgiven.

Therapy: getting rid of worries.

The following tips from a psychologist here will help you get rid of a moral shock. If your lover does leave the apartment (at your request or on your own), it is advisable to throw out all the items that could somehow remind you of his existence. Next, you need to empty your mind and pour out the love that you have left on yourself - this will help you regain high self-esteem, excellent mood and create an imaginary “platform” for selecting “personnel”.

The following procedures will help you clear yourself of the em splash:

• The shopping process is, more than ever, the best antidepressant and pill for any stress;
• Jogging in the park - sport will provoke an increased formation of endorphins, which are responsible for a good mood (Euphoria), and after inhaling, you will saturate the brain with oxygen;
• Hobbies (knitting, embroidery, beads, etc.);
• Reading literature will suck in the stream of consciousness and turn on the imagination;
• Funny music;
• Hen-party.

Remember the moments when you experience joy and happiness. Create such a moment and you will quickly get rid of the surging apathy. If you decide to leave everything as it is, not to hold a debriefing, not to run away, then read this: I suspect my husband of cheating. What to do? — the material will help to instantly “suppress” the onset of neurosis from surging memories.

Now let’s turn to women’s advice on the topic discussed today: “How to survive your husband’s betrayal?”

How to forgive your husband's betrayal and save your family?

A complex situation that requires careful analysis. On the one hand, the betrayal of her husband. On the other hand, the person is dear and you don’t want to lose him. In any case, upon discovering betrayal, a girl can fall into a deeply stressful state. At this moment, a woman needs to pull herself together, fight this stress, and not give in to it.

How to live after your husband's betrayal? Advice from women.

Don't want to change something in your life? Fine! But you need to rein in your hubby just as much as you need to calm down yourself. What actions will you burden yourself with:

• Don't do anything in a hurry. You should not shed a tear, become hysterical and “bomb” the traitor, moreover, resort to the same actions in revenge (see Is it possible to cheat on your husband?). Take a minimum of things, without saying a word to him, and leave the living space for a period of 7 to 14 days (the cheater is aware of the household loss during this period of time). If you have children together, leave them with your mother, and settle in a more peaceful place yourself: a dacha, a hotel, a friendly home.
• Next, try to find a secluded place (in nature) where you can give free rein to the manifestations of emotions: screaming, crying... After they fade away, buy yourself something that you have long dreamed of, but only had enough savings for your family. Visit salons that provide relaxation services (massage, manicure, pedicure, makeup, hairdressing...) and be transformed!
• After you have completely calmed down, you can look for ways to solve the problem: forgive and save the family or break the union to hell (use the instructions from the aspects described above and read the article: How to learn to trust your husband after his betrayal?).

These are the most common women's advice on how to survive your husband's betrayal. We completely agree with them, so don't neglect them.

Stages of experiencing betrayal

All our feelings change over time, acceptance of a situation goes through several stages, and what at first seemed completely impossible can at some point become the norm of life. Therefore, how to survive a partner’s betrayal can be guided not by the advice of friends, but by the stages necessary for our psyche to accept and respond adequately in any situation.

Shock stage

Making decisions in the first minutes and hours, when you are in a state of shock and at the stage of denying what is happening, is not recommended at all, because only a flurry of emotions close to affect is now available to a person. We do not consider the option when betrayal has become a relief and a logical analysis immediately begins on how to live further and divide property.

The shock manifestation of denial is possible in several ways. So, if a woman is just thinking about it or notices infidelity based on indirect signs, then a wide variety of excuses are typical, even if the facts practically scream to the contrary. The psyche does not want to be destroyed so much and tries to save resources to build a new concept of life that it is easier to turn on the protective mechanisms of rationalization and justify anything.

Even if adultery is directly reported honestly, it is possible to consider it all a joke or just thoughts; some even put forward versions that in this way the chosen one is testing their feelings. Depending on the feelings and structure of the psyche, such a state of shock can last several minutes, at most, reaching several days, then aggression begins. For an acute experience of shock, quite polar manifestations can be characteristic - someone will cry from acute mental pain, another will fall into a stupor and stop talking.

The first manifestations of aggression are directed at oneself and the search for reasons - here is a decrease in self-esteem, and remembering all the unprepared breakfasts and being late for a date. In fact, there is no objectivity in this analysis, but this is necessary in order to smoothly leave the shock stage and begin to navigate the situation. Finding the cause, the cause, possible solutions helps to get out of the feeling that the world is going to no one knows where.

Defense mechanisms continue to work independently, so the stage of shock self-blame normally does not last more than a week, and in order to preserve one’s own psyche and self-identification, aggression switches to external factors. This is where accusations and threats begin towards the partner and his new passion, affective outbursts with a desire for revenge and even the commission of similar acts are possible. Aggression is the norm for responding to situations that are dangerous to survival, as well as for all other events that violate needs. But this is the first primitive reaction, which is better to throw out on broken dishes or screaming in the forest than by burying the culprits of a nervous breakdown in the nearest planting.

Reboot stage

After the first strongest emotional reaction has passed, calm comes and you can begin to analyze. It is during this period that the opportunity arises to end the relationship or continue it at a new level, because... you can assess the situation from different angles. It may turn out that there has not yet been betrayal as such, but simply that the partner’s attention has begun to wander away more, or it may turn out that there is a long-term love affair, similar to a second family. This is a reboot of relationships in any case, because when making any decision they will not be the same, moreover, the reboot will also concern the value-semantic sphere.

The pain is still felt, but along with it other warmer experiences begin to appear, against the background of which you can analyze mistakes and understand under what conditions you can live on and whether you want to continue something. The emotional background, which completely guided the behavior before, now calms down, and the consciousness begins to gradually clear itself from the blow suffered. If we compare the resulting psychological trauma with somatics, then it is worth understanding that now it is necessary to make every effort to ensure favorable scarring, so that it does not turn out that as a result of one betrayal, trust in the world as such is lost.

There is no need to follow emotions, stay close to a person who no longer evokes feelings for the sake of revenge or to prove your superiority. All that this stage requires is a delicate attitude towards oneself and the search for the place where it hurts the most, the place where energy oozes. The more accurately the localization of pain and the point of energy loss is found, the more opportunities there are to replace it with something and begin to fill your soul with strength and new goals.

It is quite normal to feel little during such a period, because there is a lot of mental exhaustion in it. Those. those emotions that will always be available are on some serious edges, and it is better to avoid them altogether. It is necessary to search for new guidelines after assessing the situation.

You can get over betrayal faster if you optimally take care of yourself - tidy up your appearance, treat yourself to pleasant walks and food, meet those people whose meeting was constantly postponed because of your partner. It is necessary to decide what to do with a relationship while in a state of recovery, and after suffering a blow, only complete concentration on one’s needs and benefits will help restore strength. It’s better to think about how to survive betrayal and save your family a little later, after your own health has been preserved, your confidence tanks have been filled and you have a new plan for your future life.

Recovery stage

During this period, the pain from experiencing betrayal is still felt, but it is no longer constant and acute, as in the beginning, but appears periodically, one might say that it looks like something aching. It happens that somewhere the heart begins to ache or tears come, but these experiences quickly pass, and only arise when there is a reminder or similar situations. Life has already undergone a transformation, but the period of getting used to it begins. If the path of separation was chosen, then there is a need to learn new actions, change the daily routine and think about how to occupy a large chunk of freed up time. If the spouses remain together, then there are many moments to respond adequately, and possibly introduce new rules. At first, you may have to make concessions and live in complete control, communicate less with friends, and look for ways to regain confidence in your partner.

Recovery begins after updating values ​​and core priorities, replenishing vital energy. And the more you move towards what restores you, and not your partner or relationship, the more effective the way out of the crisis situation will be. The main task of this period is to monitor whether you are stuck in negative experiences - for this, it is recommended to regularly monitor the frequency of your memories of betrayal and the depth of negative experiences at the same time. Normally, the frequency and depth should gradually decrease; if the reverse process occurs, then it is better to go to a psychotherapist, because most likely we are talking about love addiction.

The emotional background stabilizes, time passes, and there is an opportunity to observe not only the reaction of your partner, but also yourself. The longest stage, lasting up to six months, but already in a stable state you can make the right decision about whether you want to continue and how to do it, whether you want to separate and on what conditions. Many are surprised to discover that, only after learning about the betrayal, they were ready to give their lives so that their loved one would choose them back, but after a month they became refreshed and would never accept this person back into their lives.