08/06/2018 · Author: Psychosomatic Psychologist · Comments: ·
In this article we will share a story from our psychological experience on how to end a relationship with a man. We’ll also talk about whether it’s possible to break up with him painlessly and how to avoid abuse (and psychological pain).
A woman came to us with a similar request . At first she spoke in a firm, commanding voice, with emphasis. It felt like she was checking to see if we could handle it. I had to restrain her pressure, answering in the same firm voice.
She was over fifty, slightly overweight, but of a strong build. Loud, she loved noisy companies, fun, and feasts. She looked like a real "Colonel". The voice matched the content.
I had never seen a psychologist before.
It started with the fact that something strange was happening to her. Men are happy to communicate with her, but when it comes to intimacy, they stop communicating. She said that one reached the threshold of her apartment, could not cross it, turned around and left. This was the last straw.
This story went on for several years, and she really wanted to have a partner.
But the fact was that within herself she had not ended the past relationship.
Decide on a date
There is no need to talk about such a serious matter in a hurry. Not the best time - the eve of holidays - New Year, the birthday of one of the family members - so you will ruin everyone's holiday. You shouldn’t start this difficult conversation even when your husband is in a difficult situation - for example, he just got a new job. Remain human, even if the decision is final.
Speak without witnesses
Warn your other half that it is extremely important for you to talk. This conversation can take place at home if you are confident in your own safety - or on neutral territory. The main thing is that at this moment there are no children, parents or friends near you. If you think the reaction may be unpredictable, ask your husband to go with you to a therapist. But what you shouldn’t do is leave your husband by SMS or in notes - this is mean to a person with whom you were happy for at least a short time.
What to tell a guy when breaking up?
A beautiful breakup eases the subsequent torment after a breakup. And no matter what role you have - victim or executioner - watch your words.
Stooping to name-calling, reproaches, and insults is the lot of boors. Feelings are a more subtle phenomenon than a market squabble. Learn to be sincerely grateful.
With the universal phrase “Thank you for everything that happened between us,” we reduce the dose of subsequent disappointment in human relationships.
Speak directly
There is no need for unnecessary emotions - speak briefly and calmly. For example, you could say something like, “I've been unhappy in this marriage for years—and nothing is going to improve the relationship between us. No matter how difficult it is to admit, I made the decision to divorce.” You may not be so categorical - in this case, you can say the following: “I need a break from our relationship. I want to live separately to see if we can somehow improve the situation.” Psychologists specializing in relationships between men and women warn: about 13% of all couples who divorce start their relationship again.
Girls' mistakes
This, of course, is not about grammatical errors, although their absence speaks in your favor. But even a farewell letter can become not a point in a relationship, but a meaningless ellipsis. To prevent this from happening, keep a few points in mind.
- Don't write a letter if you'd rather talk. Still, it is difficult to convey all the intonations and nuances in writing. It may happen that a man will see in your message a completely different meaning than you intended. If you want to sort things out once and for all, do it in person.
- Don't wait for an answer to your farewell letter. The point is for them to end the relationship. If you want to use it to attract a man’s attention, to interest him, to show that you are offended, do not hope for results. Men think straightforwardly, but not even every woman will understand such a veiled hint.
- Don't threaten or blackmail. There is no need to turn the letter literally into a farewell message. Sending a guy notes in which you threaten to do something to yourself because of him is mean and pathetic on your part.
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Prepare yourself for any reaction in advance.
Each of us, at least approximately, knows how our loved ones react to certain words and actions. Therefore, you should carefully think through all possible reactions of your other half - and prepare for them. Your spouse may be surprised; it is possible that he will show aggression. Whatever the reaction, do not enter into conflict under any circumstances, do not even think about arguing or defending yourself. Stay calm and say that the situation cannot be fixed, no matter how hard you both try. Tell him that you are unhappy with him and have made your final decision.
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Remember safety
This is especially true in cases where you communicate your desire to divorce a partner who has previously shown violence towards you, insulted and humiliated you. The first thing you should take care of in this situation is your own safety, as well as the safety of children, if you have them. You must understand that the first days will be the most dangerous - the man will believe that he has nothing to lose, and therefore he will be ready for decisive action. During this period, you may have to move to a place where you will not be in danger.
Of course, it is very difficult to initiate a breakup. It is no less difficult to listen to this unpleasant news. No matter how the circumstances develop, before you talk about divorce, seek help from a psychologist, family and friends - they will help you get through this difficult period.
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How to break up if you have to live together: advice from a psychologist
All I know about the long-term doomed relationship is how my ex-wife ended it.
Our rare marital spats turned into endless quarrels. As a result, the wife said that this could not continue.
The only problem was that you couldn’t just pack your things and leave. Three children, a mortgage, joint property that would have to be divided, but, first of all, children - the youngest was only five at that time.
After such a statement from my wife, which sounded like a bolt from the blue, it seemed to me that it was still possible to argue and argue. It was in the evening at the hotel. In a rage, I let out a whole tirade and rushed to the reception to book a separate room. In the morning we met at a predetermined time to go to the airport together. I continued my fiery speech exactly where we left off the day before. My wife, who always put up with my rantings quite patiently, interrupted me and gently but clearly made it clear that no one would argue with me anymore. Never.
Oooh.
For almost twenty years my wife has been my faithful companion. And in just one night at the hotel she had become a casual acquaintance, consistent in her politeness, but at a safe distance, albeit in a friendly manner. She didn't discuss our past. We stayed together for several more months after her decision to leave before we could figure out how to start building two completely separate lives.
I didn’t immediately get used to the fact that there were no more showdowns and even tried to add fuel to the fire several times. I was terribly annoyed that my wife suddenly became coldly polite, but, remembering that difficult period today, I can say that it was the best thing she could do.
No fuss, no understatement, no false hopes that would have to be destroyed anyway, no delaying the ending or trying to start all over again. Analyzing everything that happened today, I understand that it was that night in the hotel that we became friends, and largely thanks to the sensitive leadership of my wife and the unshakable determination with which she showed what a qualitatively new level our relationship had moved to.
Nowadays, it has become easier and at the same time much more difficult to break up - easier because relationships are often built very spontaneously, and they do not necessarily imply the presence of children or partners living together. But in conditions of austerity, you have to pool available resources, and in the end, live with your ex for a long time until at least one of the partners is mentally mature enough to leave forever.
I would like to talk about five principles that will be useful to you in order to understand how to peacefully coexist and peacefully separate from your husband or wife if you live together.
The best thing you can do is to be welcoming.
Your ex-partner may try to provoke old conflicts or start making advances, as was the case in my case, and accuse you of being cold and indifferent. But if you decide to separate, don't give in. Let go of the past. Imagine that you are just renting a house together and you need to act as friendly as possible while maintaining a safe distance. This will make it clear that since a breakup is inevitable, it is important to you that everything goes as smoothly as possible. Yes, it may seem completely different to your partner. You may be accused of pathological indifference. You will be reproached with the limits of decency, as I did. But it's not right. When it's over, it's over, even if you have to live together. And it's best to make this clear.
Selective silence.
When people live together, they have to communicate anyway. Be polite. Don't provoke. And don’t respond in kind if they provoke you. As a rule, it is best to remain silent. There is no need to even explain that you are not going to answer. Just pretend like no one said anything. They may imitate you, but this is just a provocation. If you are consistent in your actions, your partner will understand that the topics that you previously discussed are not worth bringing up anymore.
Find a secluded corner.
If possible, let you have your own personal space in your apartment/house, a separate room where you can always retire - out of sight, out of mind.
Stop explaining to each other what happened.
To establish good relationships, we come to a common denominator, a common self-identification. This is where conflict arises: developing a relationship involves trying to resolve differences in understanding what it means to be partners. When a relationship breaks down, the vision of who the other people were is very different, with each partner focusing on the other's missteps. Even if one of you admits his mistakes, the disagreements will not decrease, because the offended partner will no longer hope for the best, while the guilty one will be in the mood for change. For example, if a person admits that he is an alcoholic, and the marriage can no longer be saved, he still has a glimmer of hope that he will be able to improve, but to his partner such a prospect seems dubious.
You may want to speak up.
Just don’t pour out your soul to your ex-partner. Everything is over. There is no longer a relationship, and let this thought become an ordinary objective fact for you, as an admission of incompatibility or irreconcilable differences. Don’t give in to the impulse to start your story together again, these are just echoes of the time spent together. From now on, each of you has your own, completely separate, dissimilar story. You are like ice and fire.
Take care of the children. Do everything you can to protect your children from arguments.
They will also have to learn to be a family, but in a different way. If you definitely broke up and dot the i’s in communication with your ex-partner, even while continuing to live together under the same roof, the children learn this: they begin to understand how family members will maintain contact in the future, how, if necessary, to set boundaries acceptable behavior. Such skills become valuable lessons for the future, including for children.
Jeremy E. Sherman, Ph.D.
