What to do if your husband wants a divorce: Advice from a psychologist on how to save the family

Unfortunately, in modern society, cases arise more and more often when couples, having lived together for some time, decide to separate and begin divorce proceedings. However, most citizens do not have the slightest idea about this procedure, which leads to delays and confusion in a process that cannot be called pleasant without it.

To avoid this, let’s understand the intricacies of the divorce process - where to start a divorce, what stages need to be completed to dissolve a marriage between a husband and wife.

Control your emotions

When you find out that your spouse wants a divorce, you will inevitably experience a lot of emotions such as sadness, anger and anxiety. Psychologists advise at the very beginning to be alone for a couple of minutes to pull yourself together. Letting go of negativity in the right way, such as through exercise, will clear your head so you can decide how to deal with it all. Depending on the problems before, the ability to not show initial emotions can be surprising in a good way.

If your husband wants to get a divorce, and you are really focused on saving the marriage, understand that negative emotions are contrary to this goal.

Section cost

Of course, the division of joint property will require certain material costs, and these costs will differ significantly for different methods of division.

Voluntary separation agreement . The most cost-effective partition option. When drawing up an agreement, the parties will need to pay a notary fee, which, depending on the amount of the agreement, can cost from three hundred rubles (if the price of the property being divided is up to one million rubles) to an amount exceeding 32 thousand rubles (if the value of the property exceeds 10 million rubles).

Division through court . With this option for dividing joint property, costs can become significantly higher. Few ordinary citizens will be able to independently draw up a legally competent statement of claim, so they will have to resort to the services of a lawyer. The cost of such services depends on the region, for example, in Moscow

• an oral consultation with a lawyer will cost from 1,000 rubles;
• for a written consultation you will have to pay from 3,000 rubles;
• drawing up a statement of claim and assistance in collecting documents will cost from five thousand rubles;
• the cost of complete case management will cost 35 – 40 tr.

In addition, the plaintiff will have to pay a state fee, the amount of which depends on the price of the claim. You can calculate the amount of duty using the table.

Table for calculating state fees when filing a claim for division of joint property

So, you are facing a divorce from your wife and division of jointly acquired property. Trying to negotiate should be your first step. This will allow you to maintain normal relations after a divorce, save a lot of money and speed up the separation process.

If a voluntary agreement on separation is impossible and the court remains, then the very first step should be to find a competent lawyer. Yes, this will slightly increase the cost of dividing property, but it will help avoid even greater financial losses in the event of improper management of the case.

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Don't tell anyone

After your husband says “we’re getting a divorce,” don’t talk to your friends and family about it. It's natural to want support, but talking openly to others about your problems in an attempt to seek their sympathy and support can only make things worse. Telling a close family member or friend about your spouse's wishes in general terms is one thing, but sharing more intimate details with them is quite another. This will most likely cause hostility.

In a situation on the verge of divorce from your husband, it is necessary that the relationship between your spouse and loved ones remain untouched by outsiders. The only way to do this is to not say anything that might prevent those close to you from seeing your other half in a positive light. Stopping a divorce is much easier if there are only two people involved.

Give more personal space

If your husband decides to divorce, you need to give him some personal space. Not too much, but enough to be comfortable and to give him time to get bored a little. Yes, you want him to stay, but the reason the person decides to stay is just as important. People should keep their family together because that's what they want. The decision should not be motivated by necessity or guilt.

Avoid separation if you can, but distance yourself a little when your husband asks for a divorce. Sometimes distance helps. The advantage is that some distance gives you time to work on yourself and decide how you can improve your marriage.

When is the best time to start a section?

You should not delay the division of joint property and put it off “for later.” There are various reasons, for example:

• over time, documents necessary for a fair division of property may be lost, witnesses may leave, forget the circumstances of the case (dates and specific facts);
• part of the property may be lost, its price may decrease;
• one of the spouses who still has joint property may try to hide it from division, for example, transfer it to someone else, or conclude a fictitious purchase and sale agreement;
• The plaintiff may miss the statute of limitations, which is three years.

Many lawyers recommend carrying out the division procedure in parallel with the divorce. This option will be optimal in cases where the husband is not confident in the moral purity of his wife and fears that she will try to hide the joint property from division. But it is necessary to keep in mind that in this case, the divorce may drag on for a long time. Everyone must decide what is more important to him in this case: a quick divorce and subsequent division, or the process of divorce in combination with division, which takes a longer time.

Create opportunities for communication

When you find out that your spouse wants a divorce, the relationship between you may become tense. People often close themselves during this period. It is necessary to eliminate barriers between you by creating opportunities for communication. Cooking him a meal he likes and inviting him over for dinner is a great way to create conversation starters.

When you and your husband are on the verge of divorce, it is very important to break the ice between you. To Say: “Do you remember the first time I did this for you?” Chances are there is a story to remember. Reminding yourself of the good helps create a positive mood and allows you to reflect on how the relationship began, how good it was, and perhaps create a desire to try again.

Two people don't stay together just for some reason, there needs to be love between them. Once you both open up and smile at each other, get creative: use the conversation to get closer again, then there will be a chance. Just talk, laugh and appreciate each other's company like before.

Leave the marriage alone and focus on communication. Consider this a new beginning. A number of such events will force the spouse to rethink the desire for divorce.

How to talk about divorce and not remain enemies for life?

Deciding to divorce is very difficult, especially when you and your wife have been tied together for many years together. But tormenting yourself for the sake of illusory hopes of renewing your former passion is not the point. Left with your unloved wife, you will experience daily moral suffering and will not be able to give her family happiness. Therefore, the best way to solve the problem is to talk about divorce. Only this conversation should be carried out sensibly and in order, which will minimize stress and come to a mutual agreement. How to tell your wife about divorce correctly? Follow our proven algorithm:

1. Consider your decision. Remember that at the registry office you promised to be together in sorrow and in joy. If you are currently experiencing a bad streak in your relationship, then there is a high probability that it will soon change to a white one. When deciding to break off a relationship, you must clearly understand that final separation is the only way out in this situation. Play through all the possible consequences of divorce several times in your head. If you and your wife recently had a big fight, think about whether this conflict could cause negative emotions and provoke you to think about divorce? Perhaps after a while you will cool down and realize that you rushed to make a decision. Listen to the voice of reason, otherwise you may regret the words spoken in a fit of anger.
2. Predict your wife's reaction. What kind of person is your spouse? There are very emotional ladies who can heat you with a frying pan out of anger and resentment. If you realize that your wife will react too impulsively to information about the impending divorce, you should think through your final speech even more carefully and choose words and expressions during the conversation. Does your spouse love you very much and has a hard time with conflicts? In this case, think about whether she will do something to herself after the news about the imminent separation? If you feel that your wife has even the slightest suicidal tendencies, you need to very carefully prepare her for divorce and act slowly. In such a situation, time and careful attitude will help you save the life and health of the person, as well as relieve you of the feeling of guilt for the tragedy that happened. Are you afraid of violent hysteria? Write a letter to your wife and hand it to her at home. Let her read it in your personal presence. There is a chance that this method of presenting information will prevent an explosion of emotions, and the woman will take the news of the divorce more calmly.
3. Have the divorce conversation at home. A hastily sent SMS or phone call is not the best way to convey your decision to your spouse. You should also not meet on neutral territory. There will be strangers around, in front of whom you need to restrain yourself so as not to catch puzzled and condemning glances. Think how difficult it will be for her to suppress her emotions in a strange environment! And getting home after shocking news is quite a challenge! Be respectful of her feelings, because, most likely, your spouse will be very upset and depressed. Therefore, it is better to personally tell your wife about your desire to separate at home, listen to everything she tells you, support her and let her express her grief from the destruction of her family. Choose an evening after work, or even better, have the conversation before the weekend. Be a gentleman, think about the fact that your wife needs to come to her senses after the news of an imminent divorce and gather her strength. And an extra couple of days before the work week will help the wife meet her new single life with dignity.
4. Don't blame her when voicing a decision. In family discord, both partners are always to blame. And no matter how much you would like to throw out all the accumulated negativity on your spouse, you should not do this. Obviously, you will hear similar reproaches in response. Believe me, after a separation, the wife herself, after some time, realizes what exactly she did wrong. And now she will be very hurt and upset. Perhaps your spouse will even see you as a traitor. Accept her statements, because she is now much worse off than you. Be a man, do not blame your wife for all mortal sins. Understand that this makes no sense, since you have already decided to go free swimming. Do not finish off a woman with whom you shared grief and joy. Try to separate without reproaches and scandals, although this is undoubtedly very difficult.

Women's self-esteem is a fragile thing. If you don’t want to ruin your spouse’s life, on the eve of the divorce, try not to blame her for all the troubles. Take some of the blame on yourself, say your mistakes out loud. Then your ex-wife will not develop complexes, will quickly come to her senses and regain personal happiness.

1. Try to maintain friendly relations with your wife. You should not make enemies for yourself, especially in the person of your ex-wife. There’s a lot that binds you together, and it’s stupid to part ways, hating each other to the core. Tell her that despite the breakup, you are always ready to help in a difficult situation. To remain friends with your ex-wife, you need to be a skilled speaker, but we are sure that you will cope with this task with ease. It is especially important to have a friendly relationship with your ex-spouse if you have children. Children need to see that their parents have mutual understanding, even if they do not live together. Grit your teeth and fight to maintain your friendship even after divorce. It may not seem like a good idea now, but after a while you will thank yourself for your wisdom.
2. Be confident in your decision. “How can I tell my wife that I want a divorce if she immediately bursts into tears and promises that now everything will be perfect with us?” - this question worries many men who cannot stand women’s suffering. Indeed, it is difficult to cope with emotions and not agree to give your spouse a second chance when you see how upset she is by the news of the upcoming separation. But you have already thought it over, weighed it and made a decision, so you shouldn’t back down from it. People don't change, and love won't happen again because of your spouse's efforts. Think about the fact that you will not find happiness in your personal life by stepping on the same rake. Be confident in yourself and your decision and do not deviate from your intended goal. If, after talking about divorce, you still have doubts about the correctness of your choice, try to separate from your spouse at least for a while. This way you will understand for sure whether you miss her, and maybe, from a distance, you will become even more confirmed in your decision to get a divorce.

See also:
How can a husband get his ex-wife back after a divorce?

The number of divorces in our country is increasing every year. And this situation does not characterize the standard of living in Russia from the best side. Not everyone can survive a crisis in relationships against the backdrop of material and housing problems. Don't blame yourself and your wife for the fact that the family fell apart. There is a possibility that you met each other for a reason, but to gain invaluable experience of family life, albeit negative. Thank your spouse for all the good things that happened between you, and get ready for the divorce process.

Take the opposite approach

We all make mistakes, and your spouse has probably made mistakes too. No one is perfect, but for now, you need to focus on improving your behavior. If your husband asked for a divorce to save the family, determine what pushed you away or caused tension and do the opposite. Be more independent, less demanding, calm. So many women try to stop divorce by promising changes for the better, but men don't want to hear it. Action is what is needed.

There are no guarantees, but noticeable changes may increase the willingness to work on the marriage. You also need to apologize for your mistakes after making the necessary changes in your behavior.

You need to understand a simple truth: no matter what happens, you must learn from your mistakes.

This will not only be beneficial, but can also save the family. Keep working on the changes, regardless of whether your husband notices the efforts, even if he ignores you or ridicules you. It may save the relationship, but even if it doesn't, you will end up becoming a better version of yourself.

Psychological readiness for divorce

For a woman making a decision about the need for a divorce, it is important to be sure of her psychological readiness for this step. There is no point in doubt if there are the following signs characterizing the relationship between the spouses:

• common topics of conversation that were interesting to both husband and wife have disappeared; the desire to plan the future and discuss the past has disappeared;
• The husband’s shortcomings began to especially irritate him, with a similar feature on the other side; the proverb that a strong marriage is facilitated by wide open eyes before the registry office and half-closed ones after marriage, works only in a situation where the spouses completely trust each other, experience mutual love and respect; otherwise, the slightest flaws immediately catch the eye;
• intimate intimacy has ceased to bring satisfaction - with a harmonious relationship, even a long-term marriage does not cause a lack of attraction to your husband;
• Jealousy and suspicion come to the fore - strange, but the cooling of mutual attraction does not prevent spouses from being jealous of each other (for the most part - unreasonably);
• husband and wife no longer trust each other, and the first to learn news are from relatives and friends, but not from the closest person, which should be the spouse;
• The husband’s behavior style has changed - instead of the former cheerfulness and sociability, the husband became withdrawn and gloomy, and began to stay late at work for a long time;
• The usual reaction to any news or message was aggression.

The listed signs indicate that continuing the marriage relationship is inappropriate and will not bring anything good except mutual hatred and resentment.

Find out your spouse's wants and needs

No woman wants to admit it, but if your husband is talking about divorce, chances are you can't meet his wants and needs. Contentment is the key to a good marriage. To prevent divorce from your husband, try to look at marriage from your spouse's point of view.

Think about the kind of life he lives and ask yourself if that is enough. Then determine whether you are meeting his wants and needs. Then think about how you can help these desires come true so that he becomes happy. It is not uncommon for women to accidentally lose sight of their partner's needs.

Voluntary agreement

The agreement on the division of joint property is an official document. It must be notarized and signed by both parties, otherwise it will be considered legally void and illegitimate.

If the procedure for drawing up and signing an agreement, as well as its certification at a notary office, is followed, it is impossible to challenge the document.

The following information is required to be filled in:

• personal information about the signatories of the document;
• a list of joint property subject to division with a mandatory detailed description of each divisible item;
• the procedure and procedure for division, which indicate into what shares the joint property is divided, or what subject of division is transferred to whom.

Before certifying a document, the notary checks its legality and explains to each of the signers the consequences of the section they have agreed upon.

Sample agreement on division of property

How to behave

The husband may love someone else and want a divorce. Or he may feel controlled and simply wants to get away from his dominant wife. If everything you do seems to push him away even more, here are some more tips you should do if your husband has filed for divorce:

Don't cling

Many women do this, but it rarely works. An attempt to return by crying, pleading or manipulation usually ends in failure. Instead of pulling your spouse back into the relationship, compulsive clinging pushes your spouse further and further away. Not only is this unattractive, but it also implies that you will take him back anyway.

If a husband wants a divorce, this will not stop him leaving the family. If you want to save your marriage: don't cry, beg, demand, manipulate, or otherwise cling.

Don't agree to everything

Some wives give their spouses the freedom to do whatever they want. They tolerate adultery and other inappropriate behavior. Most give in to the wishes of men who want to leave to avoid their anger and making the situation worse. But this does not help and the opposite happens.

Don't control

Nobody wants to be controlled. Anyone who tries to save a marriage by making demands will fail. If you think your husband is unfaithful, or if you know he is, stalking him will likely backfire.

To convince your spouse not to divorce, treat him with respect and never impose your opinion or point of view. Marriage partners have the right to their own thoughts and feelings, even if the spouse has a different opinion. Conflict makes a person retreat, crisis helps him leave faster, and control disgusts both him and you. None of the above will help save the marriage.

Administrative divorce

This method of divorce is possible for the following reasons:

1. spouses who decide to divorce must come to this by mutual agreement;
2. The spouses, at the time of divorce, should not have joint children who have not reached the age of majority.

Having contacted the registry office at the place of residence, spouses whose situation meets the above requirements must fill out a general application using a special form, the form of which is approved by the state. In the event that one of the spouses is unable to appear at the registry office for a reason that would be considered valid, it will most likely be necessary to submit two separate applications. To do this, the application form of the absent spouse must be confirmed by his signature, which must be certified by a notary.

Valid reasons for the absence of one of the spouses include:

• the spouse’s illness is severe and does not allow visiting the registry office in person;
• his absence from the city or country due to a long business trip;
• the spouse is serving in the armed forces of the Russian Federation;
• the spouse lives in an area that is difficult to access or located in a territory remote from the registry office.

After submitting the application, in accordance with clause 3, art. 19 of the RF IC, spouses are given a period of one month to change their decision or solve the problems that led to such a difficult decision. After this period, if the spouses remain adamant in their decision and also want to get a divorce, the registry office employees hand over to them a document on the dissolution of their marriage and make marks in the spouses’ passports that indicate the dissolution of their marriage.

The divorce procedure through the registry office will cost the spouses 650 rubles or 350 rubles. This will depend on the following conditions:

1. the state fee for a divorce by a joint decision of both spouses will cost them 650 rubles;
2. unilaterally breaking the marriage bond will cost the spouse 350 rubles, respectively.

Unilateral divorce is possible if:

• one of the spouses is considered missing;
• the spouse is declared incompetent;
• the spouse has been convicted and is in prison. The term of his imprisonment must be at least 3 years.

Important! Without a receipt that will confirm payment of the required amount of money, you will not receive a document confirming your divorce.

What to do

Here are four things you can do to convince your husband not to get a divorce.

Please be patient

Patience helps you buy time and cope with situations that are currently insurmountable. Make one decision at a time, overcoming obstacles in your marriage one by one. Time is on your side. If your husband is having an affair, patience increases the emotional tension in the illicit relationship and provides an opportunity to demonstrate the changes you are willing to make in the marriage.

Contact a psychologist

If your husband asks for a divorce, ask him to participate in a psychological seminar on marriage issues. If he refuses, talk to his friend. A priest, a friend, a parent, or even an adult child can help convince him to seek professional advice despite his desire to end the marriage.

Offer a concession in anticipation of the divorce if he will take part in a family weekend. Only offer this in exchange for a really good chance of saving the marriage. And don’t refuse what he promised if he fulfills his part of the contract.

Focus on yourself

If your husband decides to get a divorce, exercise, eat healthy, and do something to avoid focusing on marital problems. Attend individual psychological counseling if your husband refuses marriage. Every marriage is unique, however, the above tips can give you a better chance of saving the union. And even if the relationship ends, you will be physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually healthier.

Divorcing your wife if you have children

There are two ways to divorce your wife: by contacting the registry office, filing a claim in the magistrate's court or in the city court.

You can file a divorce at the registry office in the following cases:

• if the procedure occurs by mutual desire;
• the wife is considered missing and is in prison with a sentence of at least three years.

In such cases, divorce occurs quickly. If the situation relates to the second option, then you can divorce your wife on your own initiative. In addition, in this case, divorce is possible even without the consent of the other half. The procedure will be quite quick and will not take longer than a month. Within a month you will receive a divorce certificate.

However, it is not always possible to get a divorce in the registry office.

Often you have to get a divorce in court:

• In the event that there is no dispute regarding joint property, there is an agreement on the future fate of the child, the spouse has not filed a counterclaim, and there is an agreement regarding alimony payments. Or there is a requirement for the division of property, the value of which does not exceed 50,000 rubles, then such a case can be considered by a magistrate;
• If the situation is different, then you will have to get a divorce in the city court.

In order to avoid a long divorce procedure in the district court, it is best to reach an amicable agreement with your wife. The agreement must be drawn up in writing and certified by a notary. The agreement should include a decision about who the child will live with in the future, who will raise him, and how alimony will be paid for his maintenance. This agreement on children can be downloaded here.

The law does not provide for the regulations and form of such an agreement. Therefore, it can be drawn up in any form and certified with signatures. If the agreement stipulates monetary payments for the maintenance of a child, then certification by a notary is required. It should be taken into account that the judge must read the text of the agreement. If it does not meet the requirements of the law, it may be rejected.

To consider divorce proceedings in court, a correct drafting of the claim is required, which is filed at the place of permanent residence of the spouse. If it is not known, then you can contact the judicial authority at the place of registration that was previously known.

In exceptional cases, you can apply at the place of residence of the plaintiff. As a rule, this is how couples who live together with small children who cannot be left file for divorce. Or if the plaintiff is sick. In this case, the trial will take place at the place of permanent residence of the plaintiff.

The application for divorce indicates:

• Name of the judicial authority;
• Place of actual and official residence (of both spouses), telephone number for contact;
• Where did the marriage take place and when?
• When the life together was over;
• Information about a minor child, if there are controversial issues concerning him;
• Does the spouse agree to divorce;
• What requirements are put forward during the divorce process, the reasons for divorce;
• Are there any additional requirements? This applies to the division of acquired property and alimony payments.
• Make a list of documents that are attached to the application.
• Date and signature.

The form for filing a claim with the court if you have children can be downloaded here.

After the application is accepted for consideration, both parties receive a notice indicating the date, time and place of consideration of the claim. If the notice is not received, you need to call the court and find out the reason. As a rule, the first meeting is scheduled in a month.

Personal presence at divorce proceedings is not required by law. You can file a petition or appoint a representative who will attend court hearings.

The divorce procedure in court will take about a month. However, the matter often drags on for up to three months. This is due to the fact that the courts are trying to preserve the family. If there are several children in the family, then this will not affect the procedure in any way. The truth will affect the amount of alimony that will have to be paid for children.

In the event that parents cannot agree among themselves about the children, the guardianship and trusteeship authorities will be involved. In addition, other experts may participate in court hearings. They find out the living conditions of the children, the income level of the parents, psychological factors, and to which parent the children are more attached.

After this, the court makes a final decision on the case under consideration. At the same time, he takes into account all factors, for example, the personal characteristics of the spouses, how good his health is, whether the housing is suitable for the child.

Then you need to wait another month until the decision of the judicial authority comes into final force. However, each party has the right to appeal and request a review of the case. In this case, the trial will be delayed indefinitely. If the court’s decision suits everyone, then in a month it will be possible to finalize the divorce at the registry office.

Agree to a temporary separation

What to do when your husband wants a divorce? You must agree to break up. This counterintuitive approach will sound completely crazy at first, but it is effective. This is a powerful step forward because it helps show that things will actually change. Faced with the reality of consent, your husband may begin to doubt whether his desire to end the marriage will bring more happiness, which is what you want.

Did your calls, SMS or prayers lead to the desired effect? Most likely no. At a certain point, you have to believe in your marriage and love for each other and trust that everything will work out. You need to let go of the situation for a while. This is an effective strategy when a family is on the verge of breaking up.