If you are ugly, you should not rush to conclusions and give up on a happy life. Beauty is a relative concept. If you consider yourself ugly, this does not mean that others think so. Considering that beauty is needed to attract the opposite sex, it should be noted that not all men are handsome. In addition, there is a proverb “Don’t be born beautiful, but be born happy!” Before doing anything, you need to assess the complexity of the problem. In one case, a psychologist will help, in another - a surgeon, in the third - a loved one.
What is dysmorphophobia?
First of all, this is a serious mental disorder in which people perceive themselves as catastrophically ugly, having some critical flaw - even in cases where they fully comply with existing standards of beauty. People with body dysmorphic disorder obsessively focus on the details of their appearance and have extreme difficulty seeing the full picture of their appearance.
But although many people experience similar problems, dysmorphophobia itself is an extreme condition that only a few percent of people reach (in Russia there are no exact statistics; in the USA, approximately 2.5% of men and 2.2% of women have a diagnosis). But in a milder version, its symptoms are extremely common. Trained to look for shortcomings in themselves, people (especially women) become absorbed in one or another imaginary defect and unconsciously bring their preoccupation to the point that it begins to interfere with communicating with people around them, making decisions and simply living.
Preoccupation with imaginary problems in appearance often manifests itself in various rituals and obsessive habits. For example, people view themselves in all reflective surfaces they come across or actively avoid them, endlessly compare themselves to others, and refuse certain items of clothing, hairstyles or makeup that, in their opinion, make them look worse. And we are not talking here about a calm, balanced decision, but rather about a refusal to try something new, accompanied by acute fear or even panic.
Do you actually like who you are?
Self-love is truly the best love. Truly liking who you are, regardless of flaws, serves as one of the most attractive qualities a person can have. People around you can sense when you carry yourself with confidence, and this makes you irresistible. So, if you are in tune with yourself and truly feel confident, there is a good chance that other people will be drawn to you.
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Why is this happening?
The secret of the reflection in our mirror, however, is that our brain constructs this picture. And he does this, relying on... our own feelings and emotions about our appearance. As American professor of neurology and psychology Randy Nelson says, hormones often take part in shaping our reactions and behavior. One of the impetus for their development is a certain emotional and/or mental state (for example, chronic stress with persistent dissatisfaction with one’s appearance). Accordingly, in response to our emotional state regarding appearance, the brain produces the corresponding hormones - and if it leaves much to be desired, then it will clearly not be endorphins, oxytocin and dopamine.
Hormones, in turn, influence what kind of picture the brain builds for our eyes. Therefore, all the loved ones of those people who, looking at themselves in the mirror, claim that something is wrong with them, should be asked: do not devalue their suffering! They don’t lie or dissemble – they really see these shortcomings! And they are actually unable to see what you tell them, no matter how hard you try to convey it to them. The best thing to say in this case is that you accept the way they see themselves, but you cannot agree with it because you see them differently. And at the same time explain the principle of operation of our perception of the world.
How to deal with complexes
The concept that a person is ugly appears in childhood. Classmates at school tease the girl with scary, ugly, scary and other unpleasant words. In adolescence, guys do not pay enough attention to her, ignore her or flirt with her for fun. The girl begins to feel embarrassed about her appearance and develop complexes. At the same time, the attitude towards oneself is not always fair. Peers may call and bully a girl for various reasons. Even the prettiest classmate can become ugly because of the envy of her girlfriends who have set the boys on. Before drawing conclusions and taking action, you need to assess the current situation.
Help from a psychologist
A specialist helps you understand a non-existent problem and tells you how to love yourself. There is a statement: “Love yourself, then others will love you too.” When a girl begins to treat herself with respect, to see her advantages and not her disadvantages, the opinions of others about her change. Psychologists help to increase self-esteem, after which she begins to see herself from a different perspective.
Finding your own strengths
Sometimes the idea that a girl is ugly is suggested to her by a friend. Banal female envy can become a problem. But your attitude towards yourself changes if you change your environment and look at yourself from a different perspective.
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First of all, you need to see the advantages. You should stand in front of the mirror, take a blank sheet of paper and a pen, look at the reflection, note the positive points, and then write them down.
To slightly change your appearance, you can use cosmetics. In the future, you need to highlight your positive traits and hide your negative ones. The figure is corrected with the right clothes, facial features with well-chosen hairstyle and makeup.
Changing the external image
Girls endowed with natural beauty may not like themselves. In this case, cosmetics that highlight the eyes and lips and smooth out skin imperfections will help. To change the appearance you will need:
- pencils for eyes, lips, eyebrows;
- shadows for eyebrows, eyelids, brushes;
- lipstick or gloss;
- Foundation;
- powder;
- blush.
When choosing makeup, you should take into account the time of day, the place where you are going, and your age. A properly chosen hairstyle completes the look. You can change your look yourself, using a master class on the Internet, or seek help from hairdressers, stylists and makeup artists.
If a woman has obvious defects in her appearance, she needs to consult with a plastic surgeon to understand what to do about her defects. Typically, in such cases, experts advise correcting problem areas surgically.
Positive emotions
It is wrong to say: “If I’m scary, I won’t have friends or a loved one.” Not all people have an ideal figure and correct facial features, but this does not prevent them from being happy. Girls with standard appearance, on the contrary, are often unhappy and lonely.
Positive emotions help you enjoy life and forget about problems. Communication with other people gives you self-confidence.
What can you do to love yourself?
- Learn to see the whole picture. Yes, every time the eyes are eager to once again see a certain “flaw”, which is obviously terrible! But try to gradually adjust to looking at yourself as a whole, without focusing on any parts. If it doesn’t work out yet, focus better on what you like about yourself. If everything about you is “objectively ugly” - look again. Once again. Once again. And further. Ultimately, if you don't assume the worst, your brain will still allow you to see how beautiful you really are. All/entirely.
- Stop comparing yourself to others. Sounds like something out of science fiction, yes. But one simple thing is important here: the beauty of others does not make you less beautiful! Would you compare, for example, red and blue and think that if one of the colors is beautiful, then the other is necessarily terrible? And if you don’t like one color, this doesn’t mean that no one else likes it.
- Take your time. And don't rush to be disappointed. Don't forget that you are fighting against years and decades of habit of looking at yourself as the ugliest. A week, a month or even a year, alas, is often not enough to destroy something that took so long to build. Be patient, make the new way of perceiving a habit - and it will work.
The fact that you can and should love your body does not mean that you should try to force yourself to do it. As practice shows, this still works a little worse than nothing. But you can get closer to harmony with yourself by starting to understand what appearance standards are and why it is impossible to meet them, how we are all (especially girls) from childhood taught to determine our value through the compliance of our bodies with these same standards, and evaluating how strong this worsens our quality of life. So maybe we can take away from the system the ability to determine how we see ourselves and what we do in connection with this, and make this opportunity ours?
What beauty should be
At all times, beauty standards have changed. For example, in the Middle Ages a woman with appetizing curves was considered beautiful. If you look at the artists’ paintings, the ladies in them are by no means thin. They have a double chin, a round tummy, luxurious hips and buttocks.
Gradually, the donuts were replaced by skinny ones. The development of the modeling business contributed to the establishment of modern standards. You don't need round buttocks, wide hips and size 4 breasts to show off your outfit. The 90*60*90 standard appeared, which is still considered the standard.
Ideal figure
A girl who is not overweight is considered beautiful. The type of figure does not matter, but the standard is the hourglass model: breasts of size 3-4, thin waist closer to 60 cm, hips up to 90 cm. However, a girl with larger or smaller volumes can also be considered beautiful.
Thus, there is no exact answer to the question of what the ideal figure should be. Everything is relative. If a girl decides to go into the modeling business, then certain standards apply; if not, she needs to stay in shape and avoid excess weight.
In addition, there is a standard for so-called silicone dolls. Girls correct their breasts, changing their shape or increasing them to unrealistic sizes. They pump up the buttocks with silicone and remove the ribs to make the waist narrower. Not all men appreciate artificial beauty. These are mostly rich businessmen who need mistresses. Silicone dolls are associated with kept women, girls of easy virtue, fashion models and hunters for profit.
Slim stomach
Many young women consider a flat stomach ideal. But polls show that men don't think so. Representatives of the stronger half of humanity like a round tummy, because on a subconscious level it is associated with pregnancy and procreation.
In pursuit of beauty, you need to take into account the structural features of the body. Some women have a flat stomach genetically, others have to do special exercises every day, but there is no desired result. Of course, in female athletes it will be flat, but at the same time they develop broad shoulders, small breasts, and narrow hips.
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There is only one conclusion: if there are no folds on the stomach and it does not hang, then everything is in order. You need to do exercises to strengthen your abs, but without fanaticism and unnecessary self-harm. You should not resort to surgery or liposuction, since the results from such procedures will be temporary.
Beautiful facial features
In this case, the proverb “There is no friend according to taste” is appropriate. If you ask men which girls they consider beautiful, the answers will be different. Some representatives of the stronger half of humanity consider natural shapes and moderate makeup attractive, others are supporters of silicone lips, a corrected nose and drawn-on eyebrows.
The standard of natural beauty is grooming and neatness. The shape of the nose, lips, cut or eye color does not matter. Naturally sized lips, a small straight nose, slightly adjusted eyebrows, natural eyelashes, and a minimum of makeup on the face are considered beautiful.
Appearance of “artificial” beauties:
- eyelash extensions;
- silicone-pumped lips;
- thin long nose of regular shape;
- glued or tattooed eyebrows.
Girls also resort to surgery to highlight the cheekbones on their faces. In this case, only one thing can be said: fashion changes, but the distorted face remains.
Toned buttocks
Men love with their eyes. When they see a girl, they first of all pay attention to her chest, hips, and long legs. Tight buttocks look seductive, so women work to ensure that the “fifth point” meets the standards. In pursuit of beauty, you need to take into account the fact that everyone's body type is different. With a pear-type figure, the hips are always wide, while with a triangle-type figure, the hips are narrow. However, you need to strive to keep your buttocks free of fat deposits and cellulite.
Down with laziness!
Do you think “if I’m ugly, then nothing can be fixed”? In vain. Perhaps 100 years ago many agreed with you. But not today, not these days. Plastic surgery is at the level where a person with the most serious deformities can become quite attractive in appearance. Of course, such operations are expensive, but who promised instant results?
You have your whole life ahead, you need to strive for your goal. As you know, there is no limit to perfection. The sooner you start changing, the sooner you will see visible results. Do not be lazy:
- keep your body clean;
- your clothes should always be fresh, neat, and fit you;
- take care of your hair, don’t forget about manicure and pedicure;
- apply makeup according to the place and time;
- take care of your health, undergo a preventive examination;
- eat right, give up fast food and quick snacks;
- take care of your physical fitness - do exercises, run in the morning, sign up for a gym or swimming (any other class);
- do all kinds of hairstyles, experiment.
Practical task. Think about what flaws in yourself you can correct. Develop a plan to change yourself and take action!
In conclusion, one more rule should be recalled. If you constantly say about yourself “I’m ugly, fat, stupid,” then very soon those around you will believe it. Remember - you are special, with a lot of advantages. And everyone has shortcomings. Love yourself and be happy!
Alina, Moscow
