What to do when you don’t feel loved by your husband?
Question author: Anastasia Age: 34
Psychologist Ekaterina Igorevna Trofimenko answers the question.
Hello, Anastasia. Let's look at your situation with an open mind. You initially agreed to an unequal relationship, that is, you entered into marriage by paying an inflated price. Your spouse did not hide from you that you need this relationship more, that is, he will allow you to be around and love him, provided that you invest more love, attention, care and emotions. He honestly fulfills his part of the contract - that is, he fulfills the duties of a husband, built a house, bought a car. And you decided to reconsider the conditions.
Why am I saying this? My task is to proceed from your interests - you want to receive more love, affection and support. Where can he get all this for you if he didn’t have it in the first place? Love cannot be demanded by scandals. And conversations. There is no need to pester him with conversations (conversations are useless). In order to start receiving from your partner what he did not want to give before, you need to change the external conditions.
Suppose you decide to leave him. If this happens, you will feel bad, not him. He didn’t do anything wrong, he complied with the original conditions (where you love him, and he allows you to do it). That is, you can leave only if you firmly decide not to return. And if he is very guilty of something in front of you. Otherwise it will not be relief, but pain.
You expect passion from your husband in your direction. But wise people try to avoid passions in marriage, preferring warm family relationships. Because passion is a very unreliable thing (it’s not only kisses, but also fights, and a lot of insults and other unpleasant emotions). It’s not difficult to return warmth in marriage. First, you need to think about your husband’s needs (what can you do, family means caring about your partner, not just yourself).
The husband lay down on the sofa and fell into apathy - this means he feels bad, he is also not happy. We need to give him some air. That is, we must give him the opportunity, without violating the marital relationship (that is, within reasonable limits), to do what interests him. First of all, take into account his opinion in all family matters (be it repairs, rearranging furniture, raising a child). Give him time and opportunity for hobbies and self-development.
A mandatory item is gratitude. Thank you for everything he has already done (and if you think about it without offense, he has already done a lot). And be sure to express gratitude to him for every little thing, for every nonsense that he does for you and the child. Your husband desperately needs this.
It is advisable to reduce the number of requests and demands placed on him. Indeed, something is constantly required from him as a husband. He does not fulfill all requests right away, and as soon as you stop asking, there will be even less help. You will have to be patient for a short period of time, because soon you will see that he will begin to do many things at will, on his own, without requests or reminders.
Of course, self-development is a must. You need to shift your attention a little to taking care of yourself, your interests, your appearance. To become more interesting to my husband. Imagine. that this is not your husband, but a stranger, and you need to seduce him (and in fact, this is the case, the goal is to make him fall in love with you again). The result of all this will be a noticeable warming of relations with the family, the husband will become more attentive. You can always give up everything and go in search of happiness, but 10 years of relationship and a common child are worth any effort.
Source: What to do when you don’t feel loved by your husband? I am 34 years old. I've been married for 5 years. We were together for 5 years before marriage. We have a wonderful daughter. Last year we completed our house and moved away from my parents. Got a dog, bought a car. It would seem that everything is perfect, live and be happy. https://psycabi.net/vopros-psikhologu/semya-otnosheniya-mezhdu-muzhem-i-zhenoj/21156-kak-byt-kogda-ne-chuvstvuesh-sebya-lyubimoj
How to achieve serious changes?
I would like to say right away: don’t expect a miracle. If you were previously very far from femininity, you will not change in one day. Moreover, it will be very difficult to do it yourself. And the above tips can only point you in the right direction. I would really like you to seriously follow this path. They didn’t just read and forget, but began to transform their lives every day. Create miracles every day. Why do people so rarely decide to change something? Change always involves leaving your comfort zone. And I highly recommend finding some training in your city to reveal your feminine essence. There is nothing better than face-to-face training! Find some schools that will help you constantly move forward. As a last resort, just read a lot, watch videos. I recommend Margarita Murakhovskaya’s free course “Revival of Femininity” - it really helped me take a step forward in my time. Here is another good video of Margarita, here you can appreciate her fieryness and charm:
Whether you're married or not, feeling like a woman will make your life even more joyful. I hope my article was helpful. Share it with your friends. And don't forget to take action! Soon I will write about one important aspect of femininity - the transition to skirts. Therefore, subscribe to blog updates. I wish you happiness. See you again!
I don't feel loved in my marriage
I have been married to my husband for about 5 years, raising a 4.5 year old son and a 1.5 year old daughter. For the last six months I have been feeling emotionally depressed, very tired of everything, from everyday life, from children, from “Groundhog Day”, I am on double maternity leave, from maternity leave to maternity leave, my husband is a military man and I moved from my hometown to a military town for 150 km from home. It is extremely rare to escape to your parents to leave the children and take a walk. My husband works two jobs, he is practically not at home so that we have enough money and yet it is only enough for the most necessary things, that is, we do not wallow in luxury and there is also no money to hire a nanny to relieve me.
Question author: Iraida Age: 33
Iraida, good afternoon!
From your message, I understood that you are depressed due to emotional burnout during maternity leave and lack of attention from your husband. But you didn't ask me any question. You simply described the situation, so I will answer you according to your description.
“We went on vacation, I had great hopes for it, that we would relax and be together, have a good time, in the end we constantly fight over little things, I walk around with a lump in my throat and the constant thought of 'divorce'. in my head." - most likely we are talking about unexpressed emotions and feelings. If there is a lump in the throat, then there is something stuck there that has not been spoken. It could be anger, resentment, or something else that only you know about. In order to express this lump, use the following algorithm: List all your feelings. That is, this must be done without humiliating the personality of the other person, not saying what a scoundrel he is, but talking about himself and his feelings in connection with his actions.
And quarrels over trifles, since their cause is the lump that sits inside you, but for some reason you cannot express it. And in fact, every claim is a statement of some kind of need. For example, behind the claim “You don’t love me” there may be a need for attention, care and support. Also about your hopes for him on vacation. It could have happened that he also had some hopes for this vacation, and his hopes did not coincide with yours. And he also has the right to his hopes.
“he spent all his free time on games, constant whining and threats to leave, I got rid of this problem, but now his work has come first, he devotes 90% of his time to work, does not see the children at all, and practically does not participate in their upbringing.” “The fact that he was a former gambling addict and now a workaholic may indicate that in this way a person is trying to avoid reality, but this is just my hypothesis - the true reason can only be found out by hearing his version. Also, threats and constant whining lead to the fact that a person sooner or later wants to hide from it. It is impossible to keep a person with threats and whining. Perhaps it is possible for a certain period, but the effect will not last long.
Regarding emotional burnout while on maternity leave. His best therapy would be to devote time to yourself for an activity that inspires you and distracts you from everyday life. Perhaps you have the opportunity to send three children to kindergarten (the eldest for the whole day, and the youngest, perhaps, for at least half a day) or take them to some kind of developmental clubs, that is, come up with an activity for them during which you could highlight time just for yourself. But this does not mean that during this time you should quickly run home and collect toys or wash the floors, it means doing something that fills you, even if it is a simple banal bath or watching a movie, but so that it is only for you.
“But the most offensive thing in all this is that my husband stopped paying attention to me as a woman, he began to be rude to me and constantly get irritated, he doesn’t come over, he doesn’t hug or kiss, there are no tactile caresses at all.” - if you asked him why he behaves this way, he would definitely have a reason why everything happens this way. Both partners always invest in a relationship. And it will never be the same as before, because the status of your couple has already changed (you are no longer just newlyweds, but you are already parents), and you are already different. And it happens that a person can ask another person to give something, he simply cannot, because he does not have it.
Apparently, your family relationships are going through a crisis. Crisis is good. But it’s only good if the couple goes through it, transforming themselves and, thus, transforming their relationships, taking them to a higher level. So to get started, consider the following questions:
1) How has my partner changed over the 5 years of my marriage?
2) How do I feel about this?
3) What reactions does this cause at the level of my desires?
4) What would I like to ask, say to my partner right now due to the fact that I realized this?
5) What do I want to give this person today that was not relevant yesterday?
I hope I helped you and clarified the situation a little according to the information you provided me. Know yourself and you will definitely succeed! Knowing yourself always bears fruit! If you need help - contact us! If you have the opportunity, give me feedback on how much I was able to help you. Thank you!
Source: I don’t feel loved in marriage. I ’ve been married to my husband for about 5 years, we are raising a 4.5-year-old son and a 1.5-year-old daughter. For the last six months I have been feeling emotionally depressed, very tired of everything, from everyday life, from children, from “Groundhog Day”, I am on double maternity leave https://psycabi.net/vopros-psikhologu/semya-otnosheniya-mezhdu-muzhem-i -zhenoj/25861-ne-chuvstvuyu-sebya-lyubimoj
How to feel like a woman?
- Body care . Make it more intense and conscious. Don't forget to use creams, lotions, face and hair masks, scrubs... The list is almost endless. And I’ll tell you one important secret: the point is not to make your skin “unrealistically young”, smooth and radiant. It’s about filling your body with love. When you lovingly apply cream to yourself, you learn to love and appreciate your body. And this is very important for a woman. Therefore, pay enough attention to body care procedures.
- Dress nicely , and not only when you go somewhere with your husband. Dress nicely, even if you are alone at home. Do your own hair, makeup and nails. And be sure to buy good loungewear. Not only charming, but also pleasant to the body.
- Be slower . Vanity kills femininity. Next time you go to work or to the store, deliberately slow down. There is a great practice: concentrate on the area of the uterus, feel that it is there that your main energy is located... And it is this energy that moves you forward, makes you take a step... As if the uterus is pulling you forward. Or simply imagine a beautiful flower in your lower abdomen and walk, feeling its beauty. Such exercises help soften your step and change the way you perceive the world.
- Another good practice: use a juice straw. And drink juice or just water through it... At the same time, again imagine a flower in the area of the uterus, imagine how water from the tube flows through your body into the uterus. Imagine that you are watering your flower, that it is blooming, becoming prettier... This practice must be done every day. Within 1-2 months. Then it will give good results.
- To feel beautiful, also use exercises to increase your self-esteem.
- Learn to be weak . Learn to let others take care of you. Accept other people's help: let men open the door for you and let you through. Make it a rule: don’t refuse if they give up your seat or offer to help you in some way... It’s difficult. But probably! This is why it is sometimes easier to learn femininity during pregnancy. You need help more often, and the rhythm of life is already different.
- Allow yourself feminine weaknesses . A girl has the right to sometimes watch tearful melodramas, read novels, leaf through magazines and do some stupid things.
- Learn to enjoy . There was a separate article about this. This helps you feel desired, loved, and happy.
I don't feel loved in a relationship
Asked by: Elena
Question category: Family
Elena, you are communicating with an adult, established person. He's already like that. It is useless to be offended by him, and the man sincerely does not understand the reasons for your dissatisfaction. It’s the same as if you were making a scandal for him that he is exactly that height, and not taller. The person simply does not understand what you want from him. He is with you, you are together. He cannot give you more, because... doesn’t know how, isn’t accustomed and doesn’t want to. Try to explain your experiences to him - and do it calmly, without falling into hysterics, otherwise he will stop hearing you again. In order to convey information to such a person, you must be calm and logical. At the same time, having heard you and tried once, he will return everything to normal again - it’s more convenient and comfortable for him. All you have to do is either accept him as he is or leave.
Davedyuk Elena Pavlovna, psychologist in St. Petersburg
Good answer 1 Bad answer 0
Replies on the site: 4204 Conducts trainings: 7 Publications: 37
Your young man gives you what he can. The more you demand, the less he is ready to give you. Accept him for who he is, appreciate everything he does, then he will want to give more.
It is also worth finding out whether your constant need for manifestations of love is a consequence of not being loved in childhood. If this is so, then the young man will never be able to satisfy this need. You will always want more.
If you need help, come for an individual consultation.
Stolyarova Marina Valentinovna, consulting psychologist, St. Petersburg
Source: I don’t feel loved in a relationship Good evening! I'm concerned about the topic of my relationship with my boyfriend. I am 26 years old, my boyfriend is 27 years old. We have been dating for almost 2 years, living together for a year. We often quarrel, the reason for the quarrels is my complaints, my mood. But, https://www.all-psy.com/konsultacii/otvet/193802/
Why do you need to feel like a woman?
To be honest, before my first pregnancy I didn’t think about this topic at all. In my life I’m somehow not used to thinking... I just went ahead and knocked down everything in my path, causing myself problems. At school I fought actively and aggressively with boys. At the institute I already tried to sometimes wear short skirts and be attractive to men... But men were not particularly attracted to me. True, at the age of 21 I got married very successfully, but there is one small detail... We met my husband during a very difficult depressive period for me. I had no strength then, I was lethargic, weak and disarmed. Of course, this is not the best state for a woman, but then my husband admitted that he saw femininity in me and did not want to let me go.
In most cases, men want to see women as women. And not a sexless masculine creature. This is male psychology. I think this is no secret to anyone. And until you discover the woman in yourself, many men will pass by. In addition, even if you are already married, you will definitely benefit from discovering your feminine energy. Your spouse will begin to perceive you differently, and the relationship will improve significantly.
But most importantly, we need to feel like a woman for ourselves. Because this feeling is mind-blowing. This allows us to soar through life and paint our everyday lives with new colors.
Often, young mothers realize that after giving birth they have turned into a machine serving the child. That even being next to a man, they cannot feel desired and attractive. But if you begin to change in the right direction, motherhood will take on new dimensions, postpartum depression will go away, and your spouse will begin to help you more actively with your baby. Great, isn't it?
