Children can stop obeying their parents at any age. Growing up is not the same. When overcoming certain stages in development and mastering new skills, the baby’s behavior may change, and often not for the better. There is no clear answer to the question why a 5-year-old child does not obey his parents. General points in the disobedience of children of this age can be identified.
Why doesn't the child listen?
You've probably heard about the one-year crisis, the three-year crisis and the teenage crisis. When your 5 year old starts to rebel, you may start to wonder why this is happening. What is the reason for my baby’s disobedience? Psychologists don’t talk much about the five-year crisis. But parents want to know what is happening to the child.
All age limits and crises are quite conditional. You may not encounter crises at all, you may miss some, or you may collect everything. Turning points and difficult ages are associated with the baby’s transition to a new stage in development. He begins to walk, communicate, learn new skills, grow up, and demand freedom. For some it happens earlier, for others later.
Five years is an age of change; many children experience a major leap in development. The baby begins to test boundaries in a new way, he has already expanded his vocabulary and behavioral stock, and can defend his interests. He has already realized himself as a person. There is no such strong connection with my mother anymore. He has his own interests, and he defends them.
Basically, children's disobedience at any age is not associated only with the age of the child. The reasons are usually much deeper. The main reason lies in the incorrect behavior of parents with the child. Analyze your behavior, think, maybe something has changed in your attitude towards your child, maybe changes are happening in your life. The child projects your negative mood, your experiences onto himself, and gives it all back.
Often adults themselves begin to perceive a 5-6 year old child as an adult. Constant care and control is no longer needed, the baby eats, falls asleep, plays on his own and can now walk on his own. The parents finally exhale - the baby has grown up. They begin to pay less attention to the child. A simple mechanism works: if a child cannot get the attention of his parents in a good way, he does it in ways accessible to him. The easiest way to get your parents' attention is to behave badly.
When a five-year-old child asks to play with him or feed him, what answer does he most often hear? That’s right, “you’re already an adult, go ahead.” Often mom and dad don’t understand that the child still needs attention. Some time will pass and he will no longer ask you, but now he still really needs you. Children may not ask for anything, but behave badly on purpose. It becomes clear that a reaction from parents is needed, even if it is negative.
What is the simplest and most correct explanation for a child biting and fighting? It's simple - he needs attention, he needs a response and contact with you.
There is also an opposite reason for a child’s bad behavior. Parents who are guilty of overprotection of their child. They do not allow the child to take a single step on his own; they anticipate all his wishes and do everything for him. Just at the age of five, a child can react to such parental behavior - protest. So give him the opportunity to do at least some of the things himself. The little man is already ready for a certain amount of independence, he already knows a lot and wants to demonstrate it to you. Look for a middle ground. Hyperattention has a negative impact on a child's development, as does lack of attention.
Children have a developed sense of justice. If you broke your promise or unfairly punished your child, or took it out on him, then the child may well reveal his reaction to the insult.
Often, a child’s bad behavior is associated with inconsistency in the actions of the parents, if there are conflicts in the family, or if the parents have different views on education. Sometimes mom prohibits something that dad allows. Then the child may not understand how and with whom to behave correctly in each specific situation.
Another reason for a child’s bad behavior is the “good girl syndrome” (by the way, this also happens in boys). We can often observe this behavior when the child goes to kindergarten. There he behaves perfectly: he doesn’t conflict, doesn’t get hysterical, does everything he’s told. But at home, he can give out all the negative emotions that have accumulated during the day. Upon returning home, such children become hysterical. Talk to the teacher, find out how your son or daughter behaves in the garden. If your baby behaves excellently in the garden, but at home all emotions break through, then you need to talk about this situation with him.
One should not write off a very simple reason – the health and well-being of the child. The baby may simply not feel well. If something hurts, does your mood change, do you become irritable? Becoming moody when feeling unwell is also normal for a child.
The main reasons for a child’s disobedience at 5 years old:
- Poor health, illness;
- Another stage of growing up and a new skill;
- Desire to gain attention from adults;
- A way of self-affirmation, a protest against parental control;
- Reaction to injustice on the part of adults.
Outbursts of childish irritation. Life threatening?
Outbursts of irritation in a child can occur for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it’s emotional overload, sometimes it’s a desire to insist on one’s own.
Very young children are unable to understand the consequences of their actions. In a fit of anger, they can act impulsively: banging a heavy metal typewriter on a computer keyboard, pouring paint on a wall.
In addition, the child understands what he wants and what he feels long before he begins to speak. Therefore, the baby begins to get angry and take out his anger on the people around him. This happens often to my middle grandson. Four-year-old Vanya, who is naturally hot-tempered, literally explodes when things don’t happen the way he wants, and does not at all know how to tolerate forced discomfort.
One day, when my grandson was two years old, he was trying to get a toy that was stuck under the sofa. His face was flushed with tension, and his angry muttering grew louder by the minute. After two or three unsuccessful attempts, the baby burst into a loud roar of protest. It took me a while to calm the boy down and fix the problem. I took him in my arms and asked: “Can’t you get the typewriter? Now I will help you.” Together we went to the sofa and pulled out the truck that was stuck there. Now, at the age of four, the grandson is already able to explain in words the reason for his anger.
To “let off some steam,” dad bought him a trampoline. When the baby is nervous and at the limit of patience, he and his father go to the children's room. There Vanya can gallop and jump as much as he wants, turn on loud music, and relieve accumulated fatigue.
Usually, after an outburst of irritation and jumping on a trampoline, the grandson calmly perceives the parents’ words and can explain what happened and ask for help.
Editorial opinion
Elena Kalita
Magazine editor
It is very easy to call a child disobedient or uncontrollable and thereby abdicate parental responsibility. But it is much easier to maintain your own calm if you understand the reason for the whims and remember the statement that the child does nothing out of spite.
What to do: advice from psychologists
To understand what to do, you need to determine the cause. Understanding the reasons is not easy, because sometimes you have to admit your mistakes, omissions and your wrong behavior. It is much easier to attribute bad behavior to age and crisis. Put aside your parental ambitions and find the real reason for this behavior.
Analyze when changes in the baby’s behavior began, what preceded it, what changes there were in your life. Does your child have enough attention or maybe, on the contrary, there is an excess of this attention. Stop for a moment and think about the reason. Remember your words, promises, conflicts lately. Once you discover the true cause, you can work out a solution to the problem.
The easiest way to understand the reason for the baby’s disobedience is to ask him. Your child is already five years old, he can talk, think, and has an excellent memory. He can fully explain his behavior. If he can’t, then it’s still worth listening to him. Choose the right time and talk calmly and in a conducive environment. Typically, children tend to chat and be frank before bed. Use this magical time to talk to your baby.
Have you identified the reason or reasons for your bad behavior? Great, now everything is easier. Little attention - pay more. Lots of attention - give freedom. If something hurts, go to the doctor and get treatment. If you are offended by an unfulfilled promise, fulfill it. And try not to promise anything you can’t deliver. If you and your husband cannot decide whose parenting style is better, decide and finally come to a common decision.
In general, everything is quite simple. The main thing is to want to correct the situation and not wait for everything to work out on its own. Bad behavior, of course, can go away on its own, but it can also transform in adolescence into such a rebellion and crisis that you will remember your child’s five years as a golden time. Don’t waste time, don’t hope that the situation will be resolved without your participation, change yourself, and the baby will respond to it. Don't be afraid to face the truth. Changes need to start with yourself. In raising children, this is a 100% true statement. Children are a mirror, they do not listen to what you say, but repeat your actions.
If the reason for bad behavior is excessive attention, let the child express himself, give him more independence. If you fastened the buttons on your jacket incorrectly, it’s okay, don’t scold me. If you haven’t washed your mug well, don’t wash it demonstratively right in front of him. Don't be afraid to let your child go, you still have to do it. Of course, we must act within reason. It’s hardly worth sending a five-year-old child without adults to the store on the next street, but you shouldn’t run after him on the playground either.
Try contacting a specialist if you cannot cope on your own. A competent psychologist will help you figure out why the child absolutely does not want to obey.
Some tips that can help cope with children's disobedience:
- Determine the rules of behavior and convey them to the child, explain to him how he should behave in different situations.
- Often a child behaves badly because he does not know how to behave correctly. Everything needs to be talked out.
- Before you get into conflict with your child, think about whether what you want to achieve from him is really important.
- Show by example. If you don’t like cleaning the house, you shouldn’t scold your child for the mess.
- Even when you are in a bad mood, try not to ignore your child. Explain to your baby that you are upset and tell him why.
- Look for opportunities to distract your child from the conflict and what to shift his attention to.
- Give your child the opportunity to make choices on his own, let him experience the decision-making process.
- Be consistent. If today you allow something, and tomorrow you prohibit the same thing, it is difficult for a child to understand and come to terms with injustice.
The holiday of disobedience, or why was Dasha called “harmful”?
For seven-year-old Dasha, the holiday of disobedience happened only because her parents for a long time did not pay attention to her persistent desire to have a budgie at home. Our Dasha is a serious girl, and her desire to have a pet could not be called a whim, a childish whim. Galya’s mother, unfortunately, more concerned about looking after her younger children, did not pay her due attention and did not listen to the girl. Dasha “stammered” several times about the parrot, but in response she heard that “now is not the time,” she needs to wait until the younger children grow up a little. In the end, my eldest granddaughter's reserve of patience was exhausted.
Once, when asked by her parents to help look after her little brother, Dasha said only one word “no”! Mom called her “bad,” which upset and angered the first-grader even more.
Dad Andrey saved the situation. He realized that having a pet in the house is important for a girl and explained to Dasha that a budgie in the apartment is a great responsibility and privilege. The granddaughter also agreed that it would be fair if, through good behavior and studies, she proved that she could independently care for the bird and would not let her parents down in this regard.
At least a month passed before Dasha received a budgerigar as a gift . The girl realized that her wish may not be fulfilled immediately and it is important to learn to be responsible for her choice. Because with privilege comes responsibility.
Practical advice
Since the main reason is lack of attention, parents should devote more time to the baby. Don't just sit next to each other, staring at the phone or TV. Time spent together should be quality. Think about what interests both of you, find common interests. Involve your child in what you are doing. Cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping - all this can be done together and with pleasure.
Be interested in what your son or daughter likes. Talk about your hobbies. Tell us about the games you loved to play as a child, play together. Do a common activity that interests the whole family.
Fill your life with traditions and rituals. A child in anticipation of something interesting will not behave badly. Drinking tea together with board games in the evenings, hiking in the forest, keeping an album with sketches of pleasant events of the day. Show your imagination and support traditions and rituals, don’t forget about them.
If your child suffers from overprotection, come up with independent tasks for him. He can feed a pet or water flowers. Entrust him with some important task. Let him feel important and mature. Show him that you trust him.
It is important to explain to your child what you expect from him. Often it seems to us that this is already clear. But explaining to the baby what behavior parents expect at this particular moment is very important.
What is not recommended to do
Recommendations on what not to do when a five-year-old child does not listen are quite simple. They are suitable for any age. After all, a child, no matter whether he is three years old, five or thirteen, is already a person. What methods of education should not be applied to this little person:
- Don't yell at your child. Don't you like that your child throws tantrums? Don't raise your voice then either. By shouting, you demonstrate that such displays of emotion are normal in your family. Then you shouldn’t be surprised that your son or daughter also raises their voice and actively shows their negative emotions.
- Do not be too strict if you punish a child - try to ensure that the punishments are adequate to the offense.
- Do not take out your negative mood on your baby; try to prevent your own emotions from harming your relationship with your children. It is very easy to lash out at a child, but it is much more difficult to regain trust later.
- Never hit children. Physical punishment has no meaning. They will only increase alienation. The problem won't go away like that. A 5-year-old child considers himself an individual and may harbor a grudge. Accumulated grievances transform into bad behavior.
- Don't compare your child to other children. Neighbor Masha’s son behaves perfectly at the age of five, and at the age of five, according to your parents’ stories, you were calmly alone and did not make trouble. Such stories will tell you a lot. Firstly, all children are individual, they may all have different reasons for bad behavior. Secondly, many people tend to exaggerate and embellish reality. Your naughty child is actually not much different from the rest.
